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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU or is DH over this petty argument?

985 replies

StupidArgument · 16/08/2020 21:57

For background, DH has a brother in law, Brian, who is quite pedantic, he likes things his way, he doesn't like windows or doors open or unlocked, even in the recent hot weather.

DH and I today have had a nice day, went for a long dog walk and made a nice dinner, watched a film etc but towards the end of the day we were both feeling a bit bored.

DH asked if we could go to bed early tonight, it was 8:30, I said fine shall we finish watching this program and go up at 9? He said "I have to be up really early" so I said should we just go up now then, but I was slightly irritated because we ended up having a conversation about it with him being a bit funny with his answers to me and me having to guess what he was hinting at instead of just saying "can we go to bed now as I have to be up really early".

Then, I was locking up and he had a moan at me about where I put my keys for the night and that I shouldn't put them there, I should put them there instead, and how I didn't lock the bolt properly. I didn't really say anything to him about it in reply.

He went upstairs before me, and as I was walking up he called to me "I wish you'd be a bit more security conscious" and I said "what do you mean?" and he said "you've left all the windows open up here". Five windows are open, 3 are just on the latches so can't be opened more, one was fully opened by him and one by me. I told him this and he started saying "don't come crying to me when someone robs you" and I just snapped and said "sorry, Brian"

He called me a sarcastic bitch and then he called me "Doreen" - my Mum's name. He said it was disgusting that I'd called him Brian and that I'd really hurt him. I said "Look, I'm sorry I called you that--" and he cut me off and said "you need to apologise to me". We got into a stupid, petty argument then with him saying "you need to apologise to me" and me saying "I just did" over and over, and writing all this down it just sounds absolutely ridiculous. He told me I can fuck off and that he doesn't accept my apology and went to get in the shower. I changed the bed sheets and when he came back I apologised again but he still told me to fuck off and that he doesn't accept my apology as I really hurt him. I left him for half an hour watching TV in bed while I came in another room and then tried apologising again but he said the same.

I do feel bad now for saying that as I only said it because I was annoyed and my temper flared, but I felt like I had kept my cool about the stuff before and having a go about open windows, when it is still warm and stuffy here, it just pushed me over the edge and I snapped at him.

AIBU or is he? Or are we both just BU and childish? He's gone to sleep now, what should I do in the morning?

OP posts:
RandomMess · 08/09/2020 12:08

What would he say if you told him you are looking for another job and will be applying for them?

I think his reaction will be an indicator of just how badly he will react when you leave.

Giraffey1 · 08/09/2020 12:09

This phone thing is a great metaphor for your life, my lovely. You can’t have what you want, you can only have what he deems appropriate. He wants to control what you have, when you have it and dictate all your choices. If you divert from the path he has laid out for you, then he gets angry, because his way is the only way.

It is only natural that you are finding the scent of freedom confusing, you’ve never had it before so don’t really know how to handle it. I really think you would benefit from going to your sister’s if possible, or if. It you mum’s, and just give yourself some time and space to breath and think. Then you can ask yourself what YOU want, how YOU feel and what matters to YOU without having the closeness of him and all his crap around you.

forrestgreen · 08/09/2020 12:51

"Let you"
"Give me permission"
Not great language.

Worst case scenario-you hate teaching, but you'll have a degree and can move into another role. Or you'll love it!
But to not try is awful!

Atalune · 08/09/2020 13:00

Please do not give in to his very meagre concessions to you.

He still wants you to be the little wifey and it’s horrible. Please don’t let him take the wind out of your sails.

updownroundandround · 08/09/2020 15:33

@

I said "I'm not sure but you know I've always wanted to be a teacher, I could look into that" and that's when he said about people wanting to leave the profession and that I don't know my own mind

How the Hell can he ''know'' your mind better than YOU ????
You know your own mind FFS !!!

I didn't tell him about the course or about the issues I have with him, it was more centred around work. I did tell him how unhappy I've been feeling, how stressed and anxious. I told him about the physical side effects I've had with it all.

Any yet he STILL wants you to continue to work for him
Even though it's making you very unhappy and unwell...........well ain't he a peach ??
He'd rather his own wife was unwell and unhappy than he was inconvenienced in any way !

I think deep down I was hoping he'd say to me "I understand, you should go and be a teacher as I know that's always been what you've really wanted" and give me permission to do it and then I could justify not leaving him. But really, the conversation went how I would have expected it to.

You were hoping for his PERMISSION.................Confused
You do NOT need anyone's 'permission' because you are a grown ass woman

Not surprisingly, you were not surprised at what he said. Of course you're not, he's spent years perfecting his domination of you.
It's always worked before, so why would he ever stop ?

I really need a new phone, I've had mine for 6 years now and it's just not working very well. I dropped it and smashed the screen and the battery started expanding and splitting the phone in two. I had a conversation with DH about it and we looked at phones together, he said why don't you get this Samsung? I said I'd think about it but the next day I decided actually I just wanted another iphone and it was the same price as the other one so I ordered it. I told him when he came home from work and he really kicked off and said we couldn't afford it and I would just have to repair my old one. But he was fine with me getting a Samsung, it was because he doesn't like Apple products, he didn't want me to have an iphone. I could have easily afforded to buy it out of my wages.

This ^..............just has me in tears...................I would never speak to anyone like that.............not my DH, not my DC, no-one*.
He will never treat you like a human being, never mind an adult.

He can't even let you choose a phone because HE doesn't like that brand ! It's got fuck all to DO with him !!!!

You MUST leave this disgusting bully ASAP................If you don't You'll never be allowed to be a person, who has opinions, thoughts, emotions etc .........................and that's heartbreaking.

You DESERVE to be HAPPY, you deserve for YOUR thoughts/ ideas/ feelings to MATTER !

Keep making your plans to leave, arrange when you're leaving, but do NOT discuss ANY of it with him!

Send him a text once you have left, then delete him from your phone. You have no kids, so there's NO reason to keep communication lines open with him, as this would only help him to try and confuse/ upset you to try to 'make' you go back. Never go back to him.

Catmaiden · 08/09/2020 15:37

I suspect he wanted you to get an Android based phone because i phones are harder to hack into.

LannieDuck · 08/09/2020 16:11

I hope you kept the iPhone.

I think you need to go against his wishes once or twice - to demonstrate to yourself that you can, and that your decisions won't result in economic collapse or the end of the world ;)

Start small - buy the phone you want, even if he doesn't like it.

ithinkiveseenthisfilmbefore · 08/09/2020 16:20

He really is a controlling arsehole. You don't know your own mind? You can't have a phone that costs the same as another one because he doesn't like it?

You need to get out of there. You will be so much happier doing what you want to do when you want to do it.

I hope you start a new thread so we can keep pulling for you.

BluebellsGreenbells · 08/09/2020 16:21

OP - please go back a few read some of your messages.

Look at the things you’ve said

*andd start a new thread

Catmaiden · 08/09/2020 16:36

Oh yes, new thread needed, if you want to keep posting

RandomMess · 08/09/2020 16:39

@Catmaiden that was my thought exactly!!!

Catmaiden · 08/09/2020 16:48

@RandomMess, what the hacking comment?

RandomMess · 08/09/2020 16:55

Yes the hacking comment but thought I was being paranoid and because I don't understand technical things like that Blush

Disfordarkchocolate · 08/09/2020 17:38

He's like Tom in The Good Life, lovely as long as Barbara is doing what he wants. Bloody pottery course.

Catmaiden · 08/09/2020 17:58

Glad it's not just me!
God I loved the Good Life when it first was on, but viewed with the optics of The Freedom Programme and escape from an abusive first husband , I do find Tom creepy, now!

Disfordarkchocolate · 08/09/2020 18:14

To many we are heretics @Catmaiden but once you see this it cannot be unseen.

Stay strong @StupidArgument. He's just sensed you breaking away from his control.

Catmaiden · 08/09/2020 18:56

@Disfordarkchocolate, yes. I do still watch it, but with a somewhat jaundiced viewpoint.

Cismyfatarse1 · 08/09/2020 19:15

I bloody love teaching. Always have. I have been doing it nearly 30 years and it gets better!! Follow your dreams because he is making you follow his.

Racinglikeapronow · 08/09/2020 19:32

@StupidArgument it’s time for you to paddle your own canoe. Your DH is abusive and controlling. Please please go ahead with separation and your college course.

Re your mothers comments. I remember when I was just finished college I was visiting my gran. My aunt rang and told her she was thinking about doing nursing. My aunt has 4 kids, no college education, was a SAHM mother for 20 years. My gran said oh no you would never manage to finish the course, you’re too busy, X (other aunt) would be a good nurse she’s so caring whereas I can’t see you being a good nurse.

I took the phone off her and told my aunt if she wanted to do the course then do it and I would help her with proof reading of essays etc. She only asked me to do that once. She completed the course and has now been a nurse for the past 7 or so years and is great at her job and more importantly she loves it.

You want to be a teacher. Be a teacher. Go for it. And get rid of the millstone around your neck that is your DH.

Time to start living your life!!!

MusicTeacherSussex · 08/09/2020 23:40

OP please start a new thread and oh my goodness. You have come so far. He is controlling and he is damning you to a life of boring subservient drudgery.

Go
Be a teacher.

Leave his disgusting power drama behind PLEASE.

justilou1 · 09/09/2020 01:28

Hi OP, I'm new to this thread, but I have read the full thing. When I started reading your story, I thought that you and your DH were in your 60's. I was shocked to read that you are only in your 30's. When you described Brian and your husband, I failed to see the difference. Your DH and he probably don't get along because they're exactly the same person. You can't continue to live like a pensioner with your bloody parole officer DH. Get out while you are young enough to study and start a career. I'm 48 and studying now and I'm definitely not the youngest in my course. You will LOVE your life!!! You have the support of your family. When they find out how abusive your DH REALLY is, (You will open up over time and tell them things - and you will unfurl your true personality as your confidence grows - with your course and as you allow yourself to expand socially as well, they will also see for themselves how stunted you have been by this horrible man!!!). You are not elderly! You are young and who knows? There's plenty of time to move on and fall passionately, deeply in love with someone who sees you for who you are, not what you do for them. Someone who appreciates YOU and nurtures YOU. You've got this!!! Start loving your LIFE and being free!!!

KimMarie34 · 09/09/2020 01:58

So you can't call him 'Brian', but he can tell you to 'fuck off'? He's being unreasonable. Tell him you'll talk to him when he's done with his period.

Mustbethewine · 09/09/2020 02:12

Your DP is trying to control you OP. If DP told me to go to bed when he sees fit we'd be having words. My DP always heads up before I do and says goodnight and it's completely my choice whether I accompany him or tell him I'll head up later on.

footprintsintheslow · 09/09/2020 07:22

When does your course start OP? That's the date to focus on here.

(Ps I'm a teacher and love it). Go for it!

ReallySpicyCurry · 09/09/2020 08:37

Christ love. I'm delighted you're getting out. Well done for getting on the course. Your man is an absolute space slice, and you need to leave ASAP. I actually can't get over the fact you have to ask permission to do basic things. It's not the 1850s. I haven't asked anyone for permission to do anything since I was about 16. That's just crazy. My husband would think I'd absolutely lost the plot if I asked permission to choose a phone for myself or go to a pottery class. Literally no future life will feel worse than the one you're currently living, because having your freedom is absolutely priceless, and no money can buy that.

Please for the love of God get away from this man, and go and create the life you deserve