Step son allergic to cat

[CatNappers]

DSS has developed an allergy to our cats (2). It's only a recent thing in the last year, he never seemed to have a problem before.

DH is determined that we are rehoming them. I don't want to.

His argument is that his son is suffering and he's not having it. Which I understand, however, my argument is that DSS is always letting them sleep on his bed!

I've said time and time again we need to keep the bedroom door closed. I've gone to buy night lights so we can close the door at night, I've said I'll wash the sheets more regularly (just do them after normal amount of time atm) and was going to go this weekend to buy a 'top sheet' which we could put over each morning and take off each night to keep the sheets underneath fresh.

However, neither DH or DSS ever remember to close the bedroom door and so every day when I go past after they've got up or DSS has been in his room, the cat goes on the bed and then DSS suffers.

I don't know what to do. It really doesn't sit right with me just getting rid of an animal we committed to having (and which I love and the kids do too) before we've actually made an effort to do something about it i.e. being vigilant with keeping the bedroom doors closed.

He's now suggested we get an insulated shed in the garden with a few cat beds, blankets etc... And see if the cats will sleep in there at night and not let them in the house anymore.

I don't want SS to be ill but at the same time I feel like no one is making any effort to help themselves and every suggestion I make is just shot down with 'we won't remember to do that' or 'it just won't work'. I feel like he just wants the easy way out which is to get rid of them.

I don't want to re-home them.

On the other hand, if DSS was not enjoying having the cats around I would have rehomed asap.

I think this is very important. The DSS could be very hurt by rehoming the cats, so it must surely be important to find out whether they really are the cause of the symptoms. And that means shutting them out of his bedroom. It needs to be made clear to him that if he won't cooperate with this then the cats will need to be rehomed. Then he might well agree to keep the cats shut out.

Then if he still has these symptoms it will be clear that the cats aren't causing the problem and you can then find out whether it's do do with mould or dust mites.

At 11, he's old enough to understand. It would be entirely different with a toddler.

@minimike if he had hayfever would you tell OP she needs to pave over her back garden? You are acting like the situation is dangerous and life threatening. Most people that are a bit allergic to something don't need to totally banish it from their lives, they just need to avoid scenarios that will set it off, and get on with it. Thousands and thousands of kids will live in a house with a pet they have an allergy too. It's only a major problem if the allergy is severe or continues to flare up despite all reasonable precautions being taken. You absolutely cannot claim that is the case if you're still letting the animal into your bed all night.

@minimike

In the early posts the emphasis was not on the laziness of the boys father but on the allergy. If he were a super parent and partner the boy would still have the allergy. I thought the allergy was a fact. The paramount priority still has to be the child. Whilst that boy lives in your house it is for you as an adult to ensure his safety and well being. It is also the responsibility of the father, but he did not write in. OP has the choice. To keep OH or stand him down. That was not obviously the main point in the early pages. If she keeps him she must get rid of her cat. Because the child is part of the deal, and automatically becomes the most important factor because he is a child. Yes it will be difficult to convince the boy himself that it is for his health. Parenting has these difficult decisions about safety and well-being. We as adults accept those responsibilities and must disregard being less popular with our children.

You're also missing the fact that they're not HER cats. They're the family pets, which they got at her husband's suggestion because the kids wanted a pet.

@minimike

It is difficult to believe that adults are still trying to justify harming a child. Or are victim blaming by saying it's the boys fault somehow. There must be some sort of order or supervision of the children if there has been a separation. They would not like it and steps would be taken against the custody (or whatever). Get rid of the cats. Get the house professionally cleaned, rugs soft furnishings etc PROOVE to the child you care.

Oh my god, the humanity! The kid has a runny nose and itchy eyes, your hyperbole is ridiculous.

I said from the very beginning, in the OP actually, that my husband is not making any effort whatsoever to assist me with the things I've suggested to help DSS. And neither is DSS.

I'd get rid of 'D'H and the child and keep the cats.

Some posters are completely ignoring the point that the DSS adores the cats. He'll be much more upset to lose them than about his mild symptoms when in his bedroom.

I'm not saying that action shouldn't be taken, but whatever action is taken shouldn't be knee-jerk. The dad needs to get his act together rather than just moaning from the sidelines and refusing to help in any way.

It’s not true the DH is refusing to help. He’s rightly said that closing doors and washing sheets will do fuck all for the cat allergy because the dander gets everywhere and can even float in the air. The OPs ideas are laughably idiotic. But he has proposed making the cats outdoor cats with their own heated cat house to get shelter when wet/cold. That’s actually a smart idea.

@PlanDeRaccordement

It’s not true the DH is refusing to help. He’s rightly said that closing doors and washing sheets will do fuck all for the cat allergy because the dander gets everywhere and can even float in the air. The OPs ideas are laughably idiotic. But he has proposed making the cats outdoor cats with their own heated cat house to get shelter when wet/cold. That’s actually a smart idea.

No a smart idea would be to actually make sure that the childs reaction is actually to the cats and not something completely different. Making suggestions as drastic as getting rid of two beloved pets without even knowing for sure that they're the issue is irresponsible, both to the cats and his son

But closing doors will help, as it will keep the cats out of the bedroom and give them the opportunity to find out if the symptoms continue once the cats are kept out, in which case the problem isn't the cats. (DSS will have to cooperate with this, as he's the one who encourages the cats to come into the bedroom.)

My DH has had allergic reactions in guest houses, and in the past the bedroom we slept in when staying with my BIL and SIL. They had no pets, so it was probably dust mites.

There's been a knee-jerk assumption that this is being caused by the cats, which really might not be the case. It needs to be established either way whether DSS's symptoms are a reaction to the cats, otherwise they would be upsetting DSS (who loves the cats) for no reason.

I'm not against rehoming cats when there's no alternative. I rehomed our fourth cat because he was aggressive towards our DDs and I was worried that he might be aggressive to their friends as well.

@PlanDeRaccordement then why does the child react only in his bed and also at his mum's?

What's idiotic is suspecting your child has an allergy and not get them tested for it.

Some cat haters always pop up on these threads insisting that the cats must be to blame when the reality is that they might not be.

@YetAnotherSpartacus, I was about to say the same thing! 😂

Rehome the dh and ss...keep the cats.

@PlanDeRaccordement

It’s not true the DH is refusing to help. He’s rightly said that closing doors and washing sheets will do fuck all for the cat allergy because the dander gets everywhere and can even float in the air. The OPs ideas are laughably idiotic. But he has proposed making the cats outdoor cats with their own heated cat house to get shelter when wet/cold. That’s actually a smart idea.

Yeah and he's done absolutely nothing to begin with this... Or re-homing. All be does is moan at me about it. I've already said to him if he wants to do the shed thing or re-home it'll be down to him to sort it out and he's not even looked into it. Unlike me.

And even if he did, it won't happen in 5 minutes so why isn't he doing anything I've suggested in the meantime?

All he's done is tell me about it and then acted like none of the rest is up to him to sort out.

I don't get how he can say he's oh so concerned about his sons assumed cat allergy and then do absolutely fuck all about it.

I'm the only bloody one trying!

They are such laughably idiotic ideas... That seem to have worked for people on this thread

@PlanDeRaccordement Closing doors and washing sheets can do plenty to combat allergies, actually. People react differently to different irritants and there is a sliding scale of how bad a person's allergies might be. This was exactly what my sister did growing up with a cat allergy and 90% of the time she was unaffected. Yes it being in the air might still irritate him but only in the same way that dust mites or pollen might. I have hayfever and in summer am affected daily but if I left my bedroom doors and windows open and rubbed my duvet in the grass before bed it would be a hell of a lot worse. The rest of the time, antihistamines and eye drops suffice.

People are totally overestimating how much of a hindrance having a minor allergy is and are reacting as though it's something that cannot and should not be lived with. It is highly probable that OPs step son would much rather put up with being a bit sniffly every now and then than get rid of the beloved cats, and if he doesn't feel that way and it is worse than that, then not encouraging them to come into his bedroom would be a solid indicator.

And like I said, I would understand his wiping his hands of responsibility attitude if they were my cats, that I'd brought to the relationship. But they aren't, they were his bloody suggestion on the first place for his kids.

And now somehow the whole responsibility of sorting this out falls to me even though he's apparently concerned about his son. Yeah right.

@Hoggleludo I'm with you. Non allergy sufferers don't realise just how grim it can be. It's not just "a sniffle and itchy eyes" I feel like I'm hungover and it's just awful. I'm seriously allergic to cats and can't imagine anything worse than living with one.

However, in this case I really wonder if it's the cat causing the issue. You'd expect some reaction to the dander in the rest of the house, and what's he reacting to at his mums?

I suffer from allergies myself and hayfever, I know what it's like. I don't rub my face in dust or sleep with it under my covers though and with a little bit of effort, keeping the house clean and hoovered, it is perfectly manageable which is why I'm trying to take the same sort of measures to see if it helps DSS.

I don't know about his mum's, she has a dog so could just be a general pet allergy and it's not as bad there because he doesn't bring the dog to bed with him?

@Ohwhatbliss

That's just it. My DH has had a really bad reaction in places where we've stayed. It's blighted some of our times away together. But it isn't an allergy to cats, as he's fine with our 3. With dogs it's a different matter. (It's good to be able to say that when one of our DDs says she wants a puppy, as I wouldn't want one even if my DH wasn't allergic.)

I suspect that the DSS is allergic to something else, as he's reacting to something in his mum's house. They need to find out what he's allergic to, the cats appear to be a red herring.

@CatNappers Fwiw it sounds like you care about both dss and kitties

Shutting doors, an air purifier and washing sheets does wonders for mild allergies. I have a friend who is perfectly fine for a week staying, until she let's the bloody cat in her room for the last few days of her stay as she loves cats, despite the allergiesThe cat then sleeps on her pillow to really make sure those allergies kick in

Fwiw it sounds like you care about both dss and kitties

Obviously, if I don't just give the cats to the first person I see on the street immediately then I'm awful.

I had a boyfriend once with a cat allergy (eyes swelled up, nose running within minutes of coming in the house).

The only room in the house he could tolerate was mine, with an air filter on. Mind you, I didn't let the cat in my room/on the bed so there was a lot less to filter I suspect.

As a low-effort (given the lack of co-operation) thing to try, it would be worth a go (perhaps it was the white noise, but I always felt I slept better with it in my room too)