Step son allergic to cat

[CatNappers]

DSS has developed an allergy to our cats (2). It's only a recent thing in the last year, he never seemed to have a problem before.

DH is determined that we are rehoming them. I don't want to.

His argument is that his son is suffering and he's not having it. Which I understand, however, my argument is that DSS is always letting them sleep on his bed!

I've said time and time again we need to keep the bedroom door closed. I've gone to buy night lights so we can close the door at night, I've said I'll wash the sheets more regularly (just do them after normal amount of time atm) and was going to go this weekend to buy a 'top sheet' which we could put over each morning and take off each night to keep the sheets underneath fresh.

However, neither DH or DSS ever remember to close the bedroom door and so every day when I go past after they've got up or DSS has been in his room, the cat goes on the bed and then DSS suffers.

I don't know what to do. It really doesn't sit right with me just getting rid of an animal we committed to having (and which I love and the kids do too) before we've actually made an effort to do something about it i.e. being vigilant with keeping the bedroom doors closed.

He's now suggested we get an insulated shed in the garden with a few cat beds, blankets etc... And see if the cats will sleep in there at night and not let them in the house anymore.

I don't want SS to be ill but at the same time I feel like no one is making any effort to help themselves and every suggestion I make is just shot down with 'we won't remember to do that' or 'it just won't work'. I feel like he just wants the easy way out which is to get rid of them.

I don't want to re-home them.

Also change the bedding. My SIL is allergic do downs and wool and any pillows or bedding with even a tiny bit of this in it will make her itch.

I'd be rehoming the husband...what a knob !!!

@minimike many of us suffer from minor allergies and don't think it's akin to "harming" a child or not caring about them to choose not to throw away your responsibility to an animal (which should be taken seriously) rather than expect them to try the many solutions available to people with minor allergies. There are many over the counter products that could make this a non issue, as well as just a reasonable degree of diligence (keeping the door shut).

I actually think it sets a terrible example to a child to discard an animal the second there is a hint they are allergic, without first trying anything to control it/confirm the problem. That's something that should only be considered if you've tried everything and symptoms remain unmanageable.

@minimike

It is difficult to believe that adults are still trying to justify harming a child. Or are victim blaming by saying it's the boys fault somehow. There must be some sort of order or supervision of the children if there has been a separation. They would not like it and steps would be taken against the custody (or whatever). Get rid of the cats. Get the house professionally cleaned, rugs soft furnishings etc PROOVE to the child you care.

Why not prove it's a cat alkergy first? It might be dust mites or the bedding or anything else in that room. It's strange that he only has it in his bedroom and I doubt it's a cat allergy. Why not be a proper adult and investigate what the child is allergic too? If it is the cat, yes rehome. But it would be awful to rehome the cat and then it turns out to be dust mites. It won't help the boy either to refuse to investigate.

I'm allergic to cats. It's miserable. Poor poor kid.

The step son obviously doesn't feel like a "poor kid" if he's still actively encouraging the cat to come into his bedroom at night. What happened to teaching an understanding of natural consequences?

@minimike

It is difficult to believe that adults are still trying to justify harming a child. Or are victim blaming by saying it's the boys fault somehow. There must be some sort of order or supervision of the children if there has been a separation. They would not like it and steps would be taken against the custody (or whatever). Get rid of the cats. Get the house professionally cleaned, rugs soft furnishings etc PROOVE to the child you care.

You're still ignoring the fact that he lets the cat in his bed ffs.

Why not be a proper adult and investigate what the child is allergic too?

I have said a few times that I, personally, cannot take him for an allergy test. He is not my child. I will speak to his dad about doing it but I doubt he will agree.

I have also ordered an air purifier and some anti allergy pillows and will gut his room this week and give it a really good scrub.

I'm not victim blaming to say that my DSS doesn't help himself by sleeping with the cats right by his face. It's a fact, he does do that despite being told not to as it could be what is making him react. He is 11, he isn't a baby. He understands that having a cat sleep by his head probably contributes but he loves the cats and keeps doing it and my DH is useless in managing it.

@minimike that’s just plain old ridiculous MN rabid ness. Get a grip. It proves no such thing. Firstly, no one is sure it’s a cat allergy so getting rid of the animal seems severely extreme and possibly won’t solve the problem long term. Secondly there are different degrees of being allergic and it may be something that clears up ( hooray!), stays the same and can be managed, or sadly may gets worse. I’m Positive that if OP puts some measures in place and it doesn’t improve or worsens, that she will reassess the situation. Like a normal person. Please refrain from being so reactive and histrionic. The OP has recognised the problem and is dealing with it in a sensible manner. No one is ‘harming a child’.

I’m Positive that if OP puts some measures in place and it doesn’t improve or worsens, that she will reassess the situation

Yep I've said over and over actually that if it doesn't help or it gets worse, I will of course do more even if it comes to rehoming.

I don't see why we can't just try a few different things first though which may allow us to keep the pets that DSS himself absolutely loves. If it doesn't work, it doesn't work. But at least we can say we tried before just dumping them at the first sign of a stuffy nose.

the poor child is clearly not suffering immensly and being harmed if he keeps cuddling the cats under his blanket

Allergies can be very different and OP has said DSS is otherwise fine and not suffering. I have a cat allergy - I get an itchy rash if I let a cat rub their head against my face. So I don't let them do that and I'm fine. Should have sent social services to investigate my parents who apparently harmed and damaged me by always having cats.

I will speak to his dad about doing it but I doubt he will agree

He wants you to get rid of cats but can't be arsed to even prove it's cat allergy? It could be dust mites or something else in his bedroom.

minimike

Did you read this by the OP?

The thing that is really annoying me about DH in this situation is it feels like he's told me about it then wiped his hands of any further involvement. Like now he's let me know, it's my problem to sort out. Even if I agreed to re-home straight away, he'd do absolutely nothing to arrange it, it would be down to me. He knows DSS is suffering and yet all he does is moan to me about it, he doesn't actually help changing the sheets or reminding him to close his door or checking the cats aren't in there etc etc... He's made no effort whatsoever to actually do anything about it.

OP, frankly, having read all your posts i think you have 2 options:

1. DSS sleeps in the shed and the cats aren't allowed in
2. rehome the DH who is a useless piece of baggage who is doing nothing at all to help the situation.

I'd carry on as you are, carry on telling DSS not to let the cats in his bed and if your DH says he'll rehome the cats and then expect you to do it... sit back and relax!

TBH if he loves the cats that much, he'll be heartbroken if they're rehomed due to his allergy and possibly feel really guilty too.

^This definitely. It might not even be the cats the DSS is allergic to. I would have thought the allergy would continue during the day, as they will be coming and going during the day as well.

My DH thought he was allergic to cats, because he remembered helping a female friend from his old church with DIY and the cat smell was overpowering and made him sick. But we found that he wasn't allergic to my cat and we were able to keep her. We now have 3 furry friends and he's fine.

I think the place he went to probably stank because her cats soiled the carpets. As I explained to my DH, I would wretch at that smell as well. It isn't an allergy.

My DH is genuinely allergic to dogs.

The DSS is old enough to understand at 11 and he's creating the problem for himself by having the cats under his covers. He'll also be very upset at the cats being rehomed.

I agree with Bregugee I'd rather get rid of the husband than the cat based on that extract. Are you sure he just doesn't like cat? It's shocking that he's so keen to rehome and isn't bothered about trying anything first. If it's not that, he's lazy to the extreme and I'd be very surprised if it didn't cause other issues between you.

www.everydayhealth.com/hs/managing-respiratory-allergies-children/manage-pet-allergy/

Theres a few different ideas there.

Put a closer on his door so that it automatically closes!

No way you should be re homing the cats until it's, as a minimum, confirmed that the SS has cat allergy!
His father needs to take him to a doctor and get him tested! Getting rid of pets without confirmation is ridiculous and cruel to the cats!

Does your DH normally leave all the parenting to you? Sounds like he's a bit lazy or just wanting to get rid of the cats. I hope your strategies help DSS, but have a good think about your DH attitude.

@CatNappers

Why not be a proper adult and investigate what the child is allergic too?

I have said a few times that I, personally, cannot take him for an allergy test. He is not my child. I will speak to his dad about doing it but I doubt he will agree.

I have also ordered an air purifier and some anti allergy pillows and will gut his room this week and give it a really good scrub.

I'm not victim blaming to say that my DSS doesn't help himself by sleeping with the cats right by his face. It's a fact, he does do that despite being told not to as it could be what is making him react. He is 11, he isn't a baby. He understands that having a cat sleep by his head probably contributes but he loves the cats and keeps doing it and my DH is useless in managing it.

Please don't get me wrong. It wasn't meant to put you down. I fully agree that your DH should do this. I actually find it a bit neglectful that he doesn't tbh. You DH should do the proper thing here.

So my comment was actually meant for your husband.

I think it's pretty bad form of your Dh to say he wants to get rid of your cats without even being sure that it is actually an allergic reaction to them. That's ridiculous

Are you 100% sure it’s the cats? If it’s reasonably sudden and only the bedroom where he is having the problem could it be something else like mould?

In the early posts the emphasis was not on the laziness of the boys father but on the allergy. If he were a super parent and partner the boy would still have the allergy.
I thought the allergy was a fact.

The paramount priority still has to be the child. Whilst that boy lives in your house it is for you as an adult to ensure his safety and well being. It is also the responsibility of the father, but he did not write in.

OP has the choice. To keep OH or stand him down. That was not obviously the main point in the early pages.
If she keeps him she must get rid of her cat. Because the child is part of the deal, and automatically becomes the most important factor because he is a child.
Yes it will be difficult to convince the boy himself that it is for his health.

Parenting has these difficult decisions about safety and well-being. We as adults accept those responsibilities and must disregard being less popular with our children.

I don't particularly like cats and would never have one as a pet, but surprisingly I don't think your being unreasonable. I think if you and your family did the things you have suggested then the problem would probably be a lot better managed. How long have you had the cats? I would usually be the first to say rehome them but it can't be affecting DSS that much if he is willing to still let them sleep in his bed, that would be my argument. I think if things don't improve after trying the rules you have laid out in regards to the cats then you should rehome. Until then I would tell my husband that you are willing to rehome them if it doesn't work maybe? On the other hand, if DSS was not enjoying having the cats around I would have rehomed asap.