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Original poster

To think I can save my marriage after infidelity(mine)?

257 replies

Shehz21 · 16/08/2020 10:37

I'm posting here for traffic and want to get opinions/read about experiences from anyone who has cheated in their marriage.

I have cheated on DH who I've been married to for 4 years during lockdown. I have always been the exemplary wife, mother(we have a 3 year old DD) and everyone always looked up to us as being the ideal couple. I started feeling extremely lonely during lockdown and think I got caught up in the whole "new man giving attention to me" situation. I extremely regret and came clean to my husband few days ago about the emotional side of the relationship and the next day he spoke to OM and OM told him about the physical side of it. DH is totally broken as he genuinely loved and cared about me so much. He says he can never trust or love me again and staying in this marriage will only make me miserable as he won't be able to be the old him again. I really want to save my marriage and need to know whether it is possible to survive this together? Will he ever be able to love me again? Is there anything I can do from my side to bring that love out of him again?
The affair lasted 4 months and ended because I was feeling extremely guilty about cheating on DH which is why I came clean to him the same day I ended the affair. Only thing is I failed to tell him about the times I slept with OM and he had to hear it from him. Can anyone who has been through this situation help me please or share your thoughts/experiences?

OP posts:
Bridecilla · 16/08/2020 10:38

I'd never trust you again and wouldn't stay with you.

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 16/08/2020 10:41

It's up to your husband surely? No one here can tell you what he will do

Original poster
Shehz21 · 16/08/2020 10:41

Sad I fo understand how hard this must be on him...

OP posts:
heartsonacake · 16/08/2020 10:41

This is the end of the marriage. He can never trust you again, he can’t respect you anymore, and he will resent you forever.

You’ve taken away so much that can never be earnt back no matter how much you want it.

howmanyroads · 16/08/2020 10:43

Unforgivable

devildeepbluesea · 16/08/2020 10:43

I rather think you abdicated your right to decide if your marriage will work when you fucked another guy.

IWantT0BreakFree · 16/08/2020 10:43

Why did you tell him half of the truth? What was the logic behind that?

Whether or not the marriage is salvageable is entirely up to your DH. I would suggest that until you have enough respect for him to not minimise and lie about what you've done, there is no chance. In his shoes, I'd end things. You've betrayed him by being unfaithful and then to add insult to injury you've lied about the nature of that infidelity, and forced him to find out the truth from your bit on the side. That's so cruel.

Lockheart · 16/08/2020 10:44

Whether you have a marriage now depends on your DH. If you still love him then you need to give him the time and space to work through it and make his own decision.

Beyond that, there is nothing else you can or should do.

NYMM · 16/08/2020 10:44

I just want to know how you managed to have a secret relationship through lockdown? Confused

Did you wear protective masks, wash your hands with soap and water for at least 20 seconds?

Fatted · 16/08/2020 10:44

Be honest OP, is it really worth saving. Your DH is rightly upset and cannot trust you. But there had to be a reason why you cheated in the first place surely? You were bored and lonely. Was the relationship actually fulfilling your needs before the affair? It's time to start being honest with yourself about the relationship.

Noneformethanks · 16/08/2020 10:44

I would never trust you again. Sorry.

I would be finished. Over. Done.

Tinkywinkydinkydoo · 16/08/2020 10:44

So even when you “came clean” to your poor Dh, you still lied and told him it was an emotional affair when in reality it was a full blown sexual affair? It’s like a double blow, why would he ever trust you again?

GinGinHooray · 16/08/2020 10:44

No, I don't think this is a forgivable offence. You ended the marriage when you slept with another man.

FizzyGreenWater · 16/08/2020 10:45

I don’t think there is anything you can do. He’d be a fool to trust you again, you can see that surely? Imagine if it were the other way around.

NeutralJanet · 16/08/2020 10:46

Sounds like his mind is made up and I don't blame him. Not only did you cheat, you put him and your child at risk during a pandemic all because you wanted a shag on the side. I'd find that impossible to forgive too.

Soundbyte · 16/08/2020 10:46

Always been an exemplary wife? You’ve only been married 4 years and already had an affair!

It would be over for me if I was in your husbands shoes but I’m not your husband, he’s the only one who can make this decision now.

Dumbie · 16/08/2020 10:47

Whether or not he can love you again is irrelevant.
He can't trust you, even when you are meant to have told the truth.

DollyDoneMore · 16/08/2020 10:48

I wouldn’t want to be married to someone who fucked another guy four years in, then lied about it.

SimplySteveRedux · 16/08/2020 10:48

@Shehz21

Sad I fo understand how hard this must be on him...
Sure you do, were you thinking of it whilst in the four month throes of your affair. I'd be out the door already.
AnneLovesGilbert · 16/08/2020 10:49

During a pandemic and a national lockdown you were going out and fucking another man? Were you really Hmm

BaconsLaw · 16/08/2020 10:49

How were you shagging someone else during lockdown anyway?!

audweb · 16/08/2020 10:50

From someone on the other side, the half truth would have been the deal breaker if there had ever been a chance to save the marriage. You were still not truthful, so how can he ever trust you again? It would have been better to have been completely honest and then perhaps their might have been a chance, but you let your other man tell him about the sleeping together? Pretty unforgivable - or at least, you made it almost impossible to move on from.

Also, how on earth did you manage this in lockdown?!

SchrodingersImmigrant · 16/08/2020 10:51

Of it were a one night stand, but 4 months?

I don't think he will be able to move from that. I wouldn't.

gamerchick · 16/08/2020 10:51

@NYMM

I just want to know how you managed to have a secret relationship through lockdown? Confused

Did you wear protective masks, wash your hands with soap and water for at least 20 seconds?

Kinda wondering that myself since I can't even get alone time with my own husband.

You've gone arse over tit with this OP. You don't chest because you're feeling lonely in you relationship. You speak to the person in the relationship and work out if it can be fixed from there. You don't cheat to get attention.

Pinkdelight3 · 16/08/2020 10:51

Am not one to rage against all affairs regardless of human complexities, but it's a really bad move to only tell him the emotional side. Why did you do that?? It's like the cheating men who claim they never had sex with the OW, it add insult to injury, like you think your DH is dumb. I don't think you can expect forgiveness when you haven't even come clean and don't have any understanding of the reasons behind why you did it. You've only been married 4 years and have a 3yo. It can't just be new male attention that made you cross the line. Taking on an affair at that stage takes some real will to make it happen. Given that, I'd say you're not that into the marriage and you're better off splitting up. You don't even sound that upset about it really, like you don't get the gravity of what you did - for four months. You must have been unhappy. And now your DH is too. Seriously consider the benefits of breaking up while your DC is young enough to adjust to an amicable co-parenting set-up and you can please yourself partner-wise.

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