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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think I can save my marriage after infidelity(mine)?

257 replies

Shehz21 · 16/08/2020 10:37

I'm posting here for traffic and want to get opinions/read about experiences from anyone who has cheated in their marriage.

I have cheated on DH who I've been married to for 4 years during lockdown. I have always been the exemplary wife, mother(we have a 3 year old DD) and everyone always looked up to us as being the ideal couple. I started feeling extremely lonely during lockdown and think I got caught up in the whole "new man giving attention to me" situation. I extremely regret and came clean to my husband few days ago about the emotional side of the relationship and the next day he spoke to OM and OM told him about the physical side of it. DH is totally broken as he genuinely loved and cared about me so much. He says he can never trust or love me again and staying in this marriage will only make me miserable as he won't be able to be the old him again. I really want to save my marriage and need to know whether it is possible to survive this together? Will he ever be able to love me again? Is there anything I can do from my side to bring that love out of him again?
The affair lasted 4 months and ended because I was feeling extremely guilty about cheating on DH which is why I came clean to him the same day I ended the affair. Only thing is I failed to tell him about the times I slept with OM and he had to hear it from him. Can anyone who has been through this situation help me please or share your thoughts/experiences?

OP posts:

zingally · 16/08/2020 11:12

I don't feel sorry for you.

You told him about the "emotional" side, but decided to withhold the "physical" side, so he had to hear about it from the other man? That's low.

It's entirely up to your DH if he wants to save the marriage. But you screwed this one up, and only you.

Pasghetti · 16/08/2020 11:14

To be honest, in my experience men tend to be less forgiving of affairs than women are. I think women often have good friendships and other people to emotionally lean on but men often have their wife as the one person who they feel able to be open and vulnerable with. Because of this, betrayal feels even more like having their guts ripped out. There are exceptions of course - I know a couple of men who were able to compartmentalise and acknowledge that it was a symptom of issues that weren't being dealt with. It sometimes helps here if they are the cool, rational type.

The ball is very much in your husband's court on this. You have not been married long and clearly things weren't right between you. It may be the obvious time for you to walk away.

The alternative is you both commit to doing the difficult, painful work of exploring your relationship, warts and all. Using the word exemplary is interesting - almost as if you've been trying to act in the role of perfect wife, rather than being authentic and being who you are. I think this is a trap a lot of women can fall into, especially when a young child is on the scene.

But I repeat - this is for your husband to decide. He is telling you that what you had is gone forever. It's up to him to decide if he wants to try to build something new.

Viviennemary · 16/08/2020 11:14

You are a cheat. And also broke lockdown rules. Some people can forgive and move on. You don't sound very remorseful to me. Why not leave and give it a go with your other man.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 16/08/2020 11:15

Where was your DD whilst this was going on?

If you did love your husband, you wouldn’t have had an affair in the first instance let alone carry on for four months.

Even now the focus of your post is about you and not your husband and daughter. The cynic in me would suspect you don’t want to lose your lifestyle.

Dahlietta · 16/08/2020 11:18

I am also intrigued as to how you managed this. Do you work for the government?

MzHz · 16/08/2020 11:20

Poor. 2/10.

When are the schools back?

wildcherries · 16/08/2020 11:20

Only thing is I failed to tell him about the times I slept with OM and he had to hear it from him.

That's a pretty fucking big omission, OP. He's told you he can't forgive it. At least respect him now and listen to it.

Takingontheworld · 16/08/2020 11:20

Let him go... he deserves happiness.

SpilltheTea · 16/08/2020 11:20

He's said he won't love or trust you again, so no, he obviously doesn't want to fix your fuck up. The least you can do is be respectful of his decision.

81Byerley · 16/08/2020 11:21

My first husband had an affair. I was desperate for it to work. I see now it never would have. I couldn't trust him. Once you have broken that trust things can never be the same again.

SexyGiraffe · 16/08/2020 11:21

OP, it's possible, but you don't get to decide whether you can rebuild things, he does. Be honest, be remorseful and be humble. Don't lie, don't manipulate and don't guilt. It still may not work, but it's your only chance.

SacreBleeurgh · 16/08/2020 11:22

I agree that you absolutely chucked the already minuscule chance of saving your marriage when you didn’t tell him the whole truth straight off and he instead had to hear from the other man that he had slept with his wife....... I hope he’s able to rebuild with the support of his friends and family and find happiness again. Please have the decency to allow him to do that.

MaxNormal · 16/08/2020 11:23

Why would you do something like that if you still loved him and wanted to be with him? I can't wrap my head around that at all.

Unless there are problems with your marriage that you're not admitting to here because suddenly it seems great when you're about to lose it? Because if not, I can't understand your actions at all.

lynsey91 · 16/08/2020 11:23

You couldn't even manage to stay faithful to your husband for 4 years! You obviously don't love him or even respect him.

I would never forgive you if I were him It's your poor child that is the real loser though. Hope you are proud of yourself

AnnaFour · 16/08/2020 11:25

No one can answer for your husband and how he might come to feel in time.

But right now he has told you he can’t forgive you so you need to respect what he says. I think infidelity at any time is very hard to come to terms with but if you were my partner the nail in the coffin would be you fucking someone else during a pandemic and potentially putting our shared child at more risk.

SleepingStandingUp · 16/08/2020 11:25

Why were you lonely @Shehz21

whereverwhenevernone · 16/08/2020 11:26

Only thing is I failed to tell him about the times I slept with OM and he had to hear it from him

well, that is not an 'only' thing that is a big thing. Made bigger by the fact that you were essentially deceiving him, whilst telling him you were coming clean.

You may have compartmentalised your affair from your marriage, but he won't. You may be able to have sex with your husband whilst not thinking of OM but he won't be able to have sex with you without thinking of you too together.

He has the right to end the relationship. You need to respect him on this.

You get people here that are anti-adultery in all circumstances. I am not one of those. But if you cheat you have to accept that if you are found out your life will implode.

SerenDippitty · 16/08/2020 11:26

Your OP suggests the OM was someone your DH knows well - friend? Neighbour? Relative even? If so that’s an even bigger betrayal and humiliation for him. And you think there’s a way back?

CarterBeatsTheDevil · 16/08/2020 11:27

Only thing is I failed to tell him about the times I slept with OM and he had to hear it from him.

Personally I could forgive an affair (possibly) but I don't think I could forgive being put in the position of hearing the full truth from the other woman. I wouldn't be able to stand the drip feed. I have had a couple of friends whose blokes dripfed the truth and waited to see if they could get away with it and in both cases my friends just ended up feeling utter contempt for their inability to be straight about anything.

Normalmumandwife · 16/08/2020 11:27

A friend of mines husband had an affair...sound very like yours just the other way around. She found out. He admitted it and wanted to save their marriage...she felt the same so they worked in it. They had counselling and he had to have full disclosure. Unfortunately while necessary, full disclosure can hurt the innocent party as well.

After several years she had an epiphany and called it a day. She confided heavily in me and just said that here wasn't a day that went when she didn't think about it and the loss of trust. Things never were the same again and when in bed she couldn't let go....all she could think about was her husband having sex with the OW...to the point of imagining him when inside the OW.

He was gutted etc and there was the usual bitter divorce. However, she had time alone and got over it and has now met some new who is delightful and they are getting married.

What she regrets was wasting those years trying as once there has been an affair it is never the same and for most it is gone

Sailingblue · 16/08/2020 11:27

You have betrayed him and at a time where you should have been at home protecting your family. This wasn’t a one night stand but a 4m affair during lockdown. You chose to do that and end the marriage. I don’t think there would be many that could forgive you.

Metallicalover · 16/08/2020 11:27

Sounds like his mind is made up and I don't blame him. Not only did you cheat, you put him and your child at risk during a pandemic all because you wanted a shag on the side. I'd find that impossible to forgive too.

^this (also broken your marriage vows!)

Always been an exemplary wife? You’ve only been married 4 years and already had an affair!

^and this!

Chanjer · 16/08/2020 11:29

Something that made it easier to move on for to me was the fact that only me, my partner and OM knew

If it had been widely known then I reckon societal pressure might have played a part

julybaby32 · 16/08/2020 11:30

I can't figure out if the casual and indeed callous tone indicates a particularly unpleasant post or a troll one. However, if you are real, Op you haven't really earned back anyone believing a word you say yet, have you?

DioneTheDiabolist · 16/08/2020 11:30

Try sending a 'Sorry' card.

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