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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I can save my marriage after infidelity(mine)?

257 replies

Shehz21 · 16/08/2020 10:37

I'm posting here for traffic and want to get opinions/read about experiences from anyone who has cheated in their marriage.

I have cheated on DH who I've been married to for 4 years during lockdown. I have always been the exemplary wife, mother(we have a 3 year old DD) and everyone always looked up to us as being the ideal couple. I started feeling extremely lonely during lockdown and think I got caught up in the whole "new man giving attention to me" situation. I extremely regret and came clean to my husband few days ago about the emotional side of the relationship and the next day he spoke to OM and OM told him about the physical side of it. DH is totally broken as he genuinely loved and cared about me so much. He says he can never trust or love me again and staying in this marriage will only make me miserable as he won't be able to be the old him again. I really want to save my marriage and need to know whether it is possible to survive this together? Will he ever be able to love me again? Is there anything I can do from my side to bring that love out of him again?
The affair lasted 4 months and ended because I was feeling extremely guilty about cheating on DH which is why I came clean to him the same day I ended the affair. Only thing is I failed to tell him about the times I slept with OM and he had to hear it from him. Can anyone who has been through this situation help me please or share your thoughts/experiences?

OP posts:
TalkingOutOfMyBottom · 16/08/2020 11:44

everyone always looked up to us as being the ideal couple. That's nonsense for a start.

PurpleFlower1983 · 16/08/2020 11:45

Sorry OP but I think your husband is right and it’s good that he knows this about himself now rather than trying to make it work but there being that awful, niggling doubt that inevitably sticks with the vast majority of those who have been cheated on.

Having a physical affair in lockdown must have taken some effort! Confused

FortunesFave · 16/08/2020 11:46

"Always been the exemplary wife and Mother"

Ha! Your child is THREE! Not given it much of a go have you? always indeed!

Weak minded. If you wanted another man then you should have ended things with your husband.

ZooKeeper19 · 16/08/2020 11:49

@Shehz21 my mother used to say (a wise woman) that "if you are an idiot and you cheat, don't be an idiot twice and spill the beans".

Realistically I do not know, a 4m affair is not a drunken one night stand so probably no.

PhilCornwall1 · 16/08/2020 11:50

@MiddleClassProblem

It certainly adds an additional level of shitness to the situation, that's for sure. The OP must have misheard what it was called, it was lockdown, not bloody cockdown.

The marriage for me would be dead in the water after this.

JudyGemstone · 16/08/2020 11:51

I think generally men are less likely to stay after being cheated on, especially physically.

Maybe it's because they tend to hold more economic power so leaving has less of an impact on their quality of life, unlike a lot of women.

I think it was a strange choice to tell him, but only tell him half the story. Either you were fessing up or you weren't.

CHIRIBAYA · 16/08/2020 11:52

Your question is, is it possible to survive this together? Yes, of course it is. Huge numbers of partnerships survive infidelity. Some end, some stay sour because the partner who has been cheated on uses it as leverage over the guilty partner; this state of affairs (excuse the pun) can carry on for decades. Others move on, learn from it and grow. Some end up with something better and sronger. You ask is there anything you can do from your side? This will take time. I can imagine this is incredibly raw for him and you are going to have to allow him to work through the difficult feelings this has thrown up. It's not all up to him either as other posters have suggested; if he decides to leave then yes, it will be, but if you both decide that you want to save your marriage then you will have to do that together; that is ultimately what marriage and partnership is about.

LeftMyOtherUsernameAtHome · 16/08/2020 11:52

It's up to your DH to decide if he wants to stay. You've done something that is unforgivable to many people, including me. Personally I think that if you're only four years in and already having an affair (not that it's ever acceptable) then the marriage is beyond saving.

CelestialSpanking · 16/08/2020 11:52

I came clean to him the same day I ended the affair. Only thing is I failed to tell him about the times I slept with OM and he had to hear it from him.

And that must have hurt a lot. Be honest. If the OM hadn’t told your husband about you having sex with him would you ever have told your husband yourself? Or would you have just stuck with the emotional affair “he gave me attention” (insinuating that if your husband had given you more attention you wouldn’t have embarked on an affair)?

You weren’t honest with him at all. You left out a massive part of the affair. No wonder he’s saying he won’t be able to trust you again.

Disabrie22 · 16/08/2020 11:53

I don’t believe this post is real - no one describes themselves as an exemplary wife or mother and then talks about having a four month affair.

CremeEggThief · 16/08/2020 11:53

Well, you're not a good wife, let alone 'exemplary'.

YABU

InDeoEstMeaFiducia · 16/08/2020 11:54

@PhilCornwall1

Come on, everyone asking how did you do this during lockdown, how hard is it? Any excuse can be made, going out for a walk when the other can't because they are working for example. It wouldn't be at all difficult.

There was no time limit on how long you could take for your daily "exercise".

And if you were working and your affair partner was someone you worked with (common as muck there).
BastardGoDarkly · 16/08/2020 11:54

You've blown it.

OhCaptain · 16/08/2020 11:54
Hmm
LEELULUMPKIN · 16/08/2020 11:55

So you not only shagged another bloke but when coming clean to your DH you really didn't. You lied again.

How on earth do you expect him to trust you?

It would be over for me too. I couldn't get past the thought of my DH putting his dick in another woman.

Your marriage is over.

minimike · 16/08/2020 11:56

It is serious but not unforgiveable. Not much is.
It seems as if you are surprised by what you have done and really want to change and rebuild.
Christianity tells us that God will forgive us. If you are not a Christian still read on; treat it as quotes from Gurus or philosophers. There is much agreement.
We all make mistakes because we are human. We are not expected to be perfect.

We are though expected to be truly sorry and face what we did. We are not to kid ourselves about reasons and motives. We might realise this best by 'confessing' to a priest, or a close friend that we can rely on to keep confidentiality. It makes us search ourselves. You may prefer to spend time by yourself, confess to yourself or your car or your dog.
Admitting more to DH may not help any more. Obviously you must never see OM again.
If you want to repair and rebuild with H then you will have to consider how he wants to do this.
The other aspect of confession is atonement, putting thing right. You can't unfuck the other bloke but you can repair the causes for your behaviour, most of which seem to be from within you.

Do not give up on yourself, You have worth as a person. You can change. You will be a nice person very soon.

ProfessorFrockdown · 16/08/2020 11:56

It's perfectly easy to have an affair during lockdown. Lockdown isn't house arrest.

I disagree that affairs are "unforgivable". However, they very, very rarely come about as a result of someone fancying a shag on the side. There are invariably complex reasons for them.

What is unclear here is how long the OP had known the OM before lockdown, and what their relationship had been beforehand.

JulesCobb · 16/08/2020 11:56

Only thing is I failed to tell him about the times I slept with OM and he had to hear it from him
You didnt fail to tell him. You chose not to tell him.
What happens if he has to go away with work, or visit relatives, or go away with friends, and you get lonely again?

Everytime on here when women come on and say their dh admitted to an emotional affair and people are ridiculed for saying he will be withholding the physical bit and of course they had sex... That’s you. Lying again.

JulesCobb · 16/08/2020 11:57

Pressed post by accident.

People move on from affairs. But they have to want to. And your dh doesnt.

corythatwas · 16/08/2020 11:59

Relationships can survive cheating- if the cheated party can trust that it will not happen again, that the partner who cheated does actually care about them, and that they will be upfront and honest from now on.

From your own showing, OP, you used the opportunity of the confession to lie to your husband a second time. He then had to go through the humiliation of getting the truth not from the wife he is now expected to trust, but from the Other Man. Who now also knows the poor bloke is still being lied to.

And you don't show any awareness or remorse that you were risking your family's health during a pandemic- again, a clear signal to your husband about how much he matters to you.

MiddleClassProblem · 16/08/2020 11:59

@PhilCornwall1 😂

InDeoEstMeaFiducia · 16/08/2020 11:59

It's unforgivable to her husband, mini. He doesn't want to be in a marriage with a cheater who lied about the affair.

VinylDetective · 16/08/2020 12:00

Even the confession was dishonest. That’s the part I wouldn’t be able to forgive.

nc600 · 16/08/2020 12:02

Haha, soz husband, shagged my workmate...chose to give you little bits of info to ease my guilt. Didn't give a shit about the effect on you or our child but I feel better now because I've confessed to my car Hmm

Yeah, that'll help. No, he'll never forgive you. You should leave him alone and let him have space to think

InDeoEstMeaFiducia · 16/08/2020 12:02

@Disabrie22

I don’t believe this post is real - no one describes themselves as an exemplary wife or mother and then talks about having a four month affair.
Why not, though? Plenty of men do the same and think they're good husbands and great dads. They're deluded, but they honestly believe what they did isn't a big deal or even their spouse's fault - they were lonely, bored, not enough sex, etc. People who cheat often re-write history to suit their conscience.