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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I can save my marriage after infidelity(mine)?

257 replies

Shehz21 · 16/08/2020 10:37

I'm posting here for traffic and want to get opinions/read about experiences from anyone who has cheated in their marriage.

I have cheated on DH who I've been married to for 4 years during lockdown. I have always been the exemplary wife, mother(we have a 3 year old DD) and everyone always looked up to us as being the ideal couple. I started feeling extremely lonely during lockdown and think I got caught up in the whole "new man giving attention to me" situation. I extremely regret and came clean to my husband few days ago about the emotional side of the relationship and the next day he spoke to OM and OM told him about the physical side of it. DH is totally broken as he genuinely loved and cared about me so much. He says he can never trust or love me again and staying in this marriage will only make me miserable as he won't be able to be the old him again. I really want to save my marriage and need to know whether it is possible to survive this together? Will he ever be able to love me again? Is there anything I can do from my side to bring that love out of him again?
The affair lasted 4 months and ended because I was feeling extremely guilty about cheating on DH which is why I came clean to him the same day I ended the affair. Only thing is I failed to tell him about the times I slept with OM and he had to hear it from him. Can anyone who has been through this situation help me please or share your thoughts/experiences?

OP posts:
KrabbyPatties · 16/08/2020 11:30

What do you expect?

You’re finished

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 16/08/2020 11:31

Would you trust someone who had been lying and sneaking about and fucking someone else for 4 months? Then you lied about the situation whilst 'coming clean', then to top it off you had to hear the news from the person you were fucking.

You have managed to be an 'exemplary' wife and mother for 42 months, then went and lied and cheated for 4 months. Hardly medal worthy.

He probably won't forgive you. He should go and find someone who respects him tbh.

Even if he stays with you then he wont trust you, and you will never totally get back what you had.

Nannewnannew · 16/08/2020 11:31

My DIL had an affair and my DS forgave her and they tried again. It was never the same and my DS just couldn’t forgive her in the end and they divorced. It still messes with his head now.
As a pp said, it’s harder for men to forgive infidelity, so I don’t think there’s a lot of hope for your marriage.

Manolin · 16/08/2020 11:31

@Sunflowerlover20

If I am reading this correctly then you had an affair during lockdown when everyone was suppose to be indoors or at work only. How?????? You would also have had a child to look after??? When did you get time for a affair? If somehow this is true not only did you cheat on your husband but you also put your family at risk of covid by your stupid actions of meeting another man. Your marriage is over.
Was it with the postman, five days a week through the letterbox?
katy1213 · 16/08/2020 11:32

Why on earth did you confess? I can never see the point of unloading your guilty conscience onto the innocent party to deal with. If you really wanted to save your marriage, you could have ended the affair and moved on without causing all this fall-out. Or would the other man have told anyway?

ThePluckOfTheCoward · 16/08/2020 11:34
Biscuit
QuestionMarkNow · 16/08/2020 11:34

It’s not your choice but your DH.

If you read the relationship board, you will see that what can help is

  • taking full responsibility for what you have done (and yes it should have started with telling him the whole truth)
  • be proactive in changing your behaviour/getting counselling/joint counselling. Basically trying to prove you DO want to make it work
  • of course, stopping any contact with OM
  • then anything that will make it easier for your DH.

But in the end, you can’t make it work if your DH feels his trust is to broken and not be repaired.
You’ll have to talk to him.

Itsabeautifuldaytosavelives · 16/08/2020 11:34

As someone whose exH had an affair, I should think that ship sailed when you shagged someone else.

You have no respect for him and it’s all very well being sorry now he knows. I doubt very much that you did at the time.

You should leave and let him find someone who doesn’t shag around 4 years in because they felt ‘lonely’. Did you not think about having a conversation with him? Like grown ups do?

loudev · 16/08/2020 11:35

All you can do is tell him your sorry, that you want to do whatever it takes to make your marriage work and earn his trust again, and mean it. Then it's up to him. Be prepared for a lot of hard work.

TalkingOutOfMyBottom · 16/08/2020 11:36

Only thing is I failed to tell him about the times I slept with OM.

What do you mean that's the only think you didn't tell him! That's really quite important - so now he's been lied to again.

SerenDippitty · 16/08/2020 11:36

@katy1213

Why on earth did you confess? I can never see the point of unloading your guilty conscience onto the innocent party to deal with. If you really wanted to save your marriage, you could have ended the affair and moved on without causing all this fall-out. Or would the other man have told anyway?
This. I think that when infidelity has occurred and the cheating partner wants to save the marriage the only justification for telling their partner is if there is a high probability that they’ll find out about it anyway.
Jeremyironsnothing · 16/08/2020 11:37

Yes it's the double betrayal

Lweji · 16/08/2020 11:37

You cheated and then lied again about it.

Why do you want to save a marriage you clearly don't value?

And if you felt lonely during lockdown, why do you think this is a marriage worth saving?

Giraffey1 · 16/08/2020 11:39

Goodness. You have only been married for four years and have had an affair during lockdown? How did you start this relationship, and how did you sustain it during lockdown? Presumably you were breaking lockdown rules too? You say you were emotionally lonely. Ok, but you don’t say if you talked to your H about this. Did you try and work together on this? Doesn’t really sound like it.

Then you told him, presumably that you’d had an emotional affair, but omitted the sex bit? And then your H spoke to the OM who told him the full whack? It all sounds very iffy.

Of course, forgiveness is possible and it does happen, but it isn’t yours to command. And even if the other partner can forgive, that still doesn’t mean the relationship is viable. I think most times, infidelity results in break up, as once trust has been broken, it is very hard to rebuild.

Only your H can decide. In the meantime, I think you need recognise more clearly what you have done and accept that your marriage may now be over.

jessstan2 · 16/08/2020 11:39

@katy1213

Why on earth did you confess? I can never see the point of unloading your guilty conscience onto the innocent party to deal with. If you really wanted to save your marriage, you could have ended the affair and moved on without causing all this fall-out. Or would the other man have told anyway?
I agree with that.

Unless he was likely to find out, why on earth did you tell him?

I doubt you can recover from this.

Cantshitalone · 16/08/2020 11:40

Tried again but the universal signal was sent and they came hoarding to the bathroom like fucking zombies from that film world war Z.

"MUUUUMMMMMMMMM"
"FFS WHAT???"

nothing. Waaa fuck off. I might just shit my pants just to complete the process of uninterrupted shitting!!!!

If course sods law would allow that process to happen of course.

Mum uses bathroom to poop. Not happening, everyone cares etc.
Mum shits herself, nobody cares.

custardbear · 16/08/2020 11:40

Is that you Mary Wakefield? 🤔

4 month affair over a less than 5 month lock down period - you get lonely, and jump into bed very quickly for an exemplary wife!

4 years married - that's hardly any time at all!
Lies
Cheating
Inconsiderate to your child as well as your husband
Breaking lockdown
Putting your family at risk

In all honesty, I think it's hanging by a thread and if he forgives you then you're very fortunate - yet I suspect you'll do it again ... leopards and all that

Grapewrath · 16/08/2020 11:40

Op there was a reason you were unfaithful, wrong as it was there was obviously something leaving you feel unfulfilled. You now feel bad and want things to go back to ‘normal
Your Dh does not want this which is absolutely understandable. This marriage may not be salvageable and tbh, that might very well be the right thing for both of you.
I hope you find your peace.

PhilCornwall1 · 16/08/2020 11:41

Come on, everyone asking how did you do this during lockdown, how hard is it? Any excuse can be made, going out for a walk when the other can't because they are working for example. It wouldn't be at all difficult.

There was no time limit on how long you could take for your daily "exercise".

Bells3032 · 16/08/2020 11:42

I'm gonna go against the grain here. I think relationships can survive infidelity but the guilty party needs to be prepared to accept its their partners choice. The person needs to be honest (it sounds like you weren't) and prepared to accept full responsibility and be contrite.

I think you need to tell your dh that you are sorry for both the affair and lying to him and that you will do anything you can do fix your relationship but you fully understand if he feels I cannot trust or love you ever again and you will give him space to decide that.

But honestly this soon into a relationship and not coming fully clean with him afterwards and I am guessing he knows the OM too from your post it's very unlikely hell ever forgive you.

Fluffycloudland77 · 16/08/2020 11:42

Men don’t tend to forgive.

trappedsincesundaymorn · 16/08/2020 11:42

You lied, cheated and lied again. You clearly have no respect for your husband and you want him to love you again??? Why should he? why would he? If I was him I would have packed your bags and kicked your sorry arse out.

Tistheseason17 · 16/08/2020 11:43

See if he will agree to marriage counselling.
But, you made HUGE mistakes in everything you did and you have to consider that he may not want to stay married - I am not sure how I'd react.

TokyoSushi · 16/08/2020 11:43

One single time, maybe I could work through it, but 4 months, I'm afraid I couldn't stay with you.

MiddleClassProblem · 16/08/2020 11:43

@PhilCornwall1

Come on, everyone asking how did you do this during lockdown, how hard is it? Any excuse can be made, going out for a walk when the other can't because they are working for example. It wouldn't be at all difficult.

There was no time limit on how long you could take for your daily "exercise".

But isn’t that worse? Leaving DH at home with DC to go for a shag?

It’s not like they are taking advantage of an opportune moment. They were making it.