To think I can save my marriage after infidelity(mine)?

[Shehz21]

I'm posting here for traffic and want to get opinions/read about experiences from anyone who has cheated in their marriage.

I have cheated on DH who I've been married to for 4 years during lockdown. I have always been the exemplary wife, mother(we have a 3 year old DD) and everyone always looked up to us as being the ideal couple. I started feeling extremely lonely during lockdown and think I got caught up in the whole "new man giving attention to me" situation. I extremely regret and came clean to my husband few days ago about the emotional side of the relationship and the next day he spoke to OM and OM told him about the physical side of it. DH is totally broken as he genuinely loved and cared about me so much. He says he can never trust or love me again and staying in this marriage will only make me miserable as he won't be able to be the old him again. I really want to save my marriage and need to know whether it is possible to survive this together? Will he ever be able to love me again? Is there anything I can do from my side to bring that love out of him again?
The affair lasted 4 months and ended because I was feeling extremely guilty about cheating on DH which is why I came clean to him the same day I ended the affair. Only thing is I failed to tell him about the times I slept with OM and he had to hear it from him. Can anyone who has been through this situation help me please or share your thoughts/experiences?

You would be absolutely dead to me. It’s completely unforgivable

Be a decent person, ask your husband what he wants you to do to make this better for him eg you move out, he move out, where contact drop offs happen etc and you bloody do it. Then you give him a quick divorce. Poor man.

You do realise during lockdown, youre suppose to stay within youre family unit, not going off having an affair. I've been really low during this period borderline feeling depressed but I didnt cheat on my husband. I hate that excuse men use as some excuse like the women are at fault when it reality it all down to the cheater. No wonder he doesnt wanna give it another go. I wouldn't.

You didn't come clean to him, though, you still lied. You shagged another person during lockdown and put your H and child at risk, too. It's not up to you if the marriage is over, you broke the vows by cheating. Your h has no obligation to stay with you. He deserves so much more than this.

It’s entirely up to your husband.

Maybe you should be looking to define yourself in ways other than an “exemplary wife”. Whatever decade that comes from, it ain’t working for you.

"Will he ever be able to love me again? Is there anything I can do from my side to bring that love out of him again?"

Interesting how your focus is on getting love for yourself. I think you're going to be struggling if that's what you expect to get from cheating on him. Suggest you focus on him and some self-abnegation if you're serious about fixing this. But his love for you wasn't enough in the first place so I think it's probably a waste of time trying, sorry.

There isn’t really anything you can do now. It’s not just the cheating, it’s the fact that you didn’t tell him about the sex. That will just have reinforced to him that you can’t be trusted.

Only he can decide whether he can forgive you and move on. You can’t now prove your honesty or fidelity, because you’ve already proven not to have those things. He would have to take a massive leap of faith, and you would have to spend the rest of your life living up to that.

Your best bet is to apologise sincerely, take full responsibility both for the affair and for lying about it, and let him know that you want to try again. Then leave him to make his decision, and respect it when he does, even if you don’t like it.

If I am reading this correctly then you had an affair during lockdown when everyone was suppose to be indoors or at work only. How?????? You would also have had a child to look after??? When did you get time for a affair?
If somehow this is true not only did you cheat on your husband but you also put your family at risk of covid by your stupid actions of meeting another man. Your marriage is over.

The “only” thing that you failed to tell him, is that you fucked another man.
Are you having a laugh?!!!!

Could I forgive my partner for cheating on me? Maybe. If I understood the reasons and saw a return to honesty, and ownership of the behaviour.

Could I forgive my partner for supposedly coming clean but actually still lying, and letting me be humiliated by someone else telling me? HELL NO

He needs to LTB (itch)

That's for your DH to decide. Personally I wouldn't remain with a cheat and a liar and you would be out the door.

Why did you post on here?
No-one will support you, and you will be flamed, and rightly so.

If he’s got any sense he’ll show you the door. Cheating is bad enough but you also put your families health at risk by breaking lock down rules.

I’ve been really surprised how many still seem to be dating new people, having affairs etc given social distancing is still in place.

OP, people can only ever give you an answer from their own perspective. At the end of the day, if you want to rebuild things after an affair then you need to be completely honest with your DH. Not give him half the truth in the hopes that he won’t find out the rest of it.

Also, if you believe there were issues in the marriage which led to you having an affair these do need to be addressed or you will be back here a year or two from now.

I speak as someone who had an affair, and my DH would have taken me back, but in my case there was abuse involved and so for me it was me who chose to leave the marriage (I did not leave for OM). But I actually did tell my H the whole truth about everything because an affair wasn’t the way I’d wanted it to end, and I make no excuses for it.

But ultimately people will judge be they your DH, your DH’s family, your friends, and those are the things you have brought on yourself through your actions.

it’s up to you now to put the work in to make it right, and it’s up to them whether they can move forward.

Depends how your partner feels about it I guess

My OH cheated on me, we got over it, that was many years ago. We talked about it, we moved on. Think it was about 12 years ago

Did you confess to ease your conscience? Is so that was wrong, as it helped you but not him.
If this is true, why did you only tell your husband a half truth. You have shown yourself up to being a liar as well. No wonder your husband feels he cannot trust you.
Also this was during lockdown, I dont care about you and him, but you put your husband and child at risk with your cheating. That is so very wrong.

It’s entirely up to your husband @Shehz21

However he’ll never look at you quite the same, even if he tries to.

You’ve spoilt everything and you need to accept that.

Sorry OP, but what you have done probably isn't forgivable.

You made a choice to end your marriage when you had an affair when you knew your husband loved you and you say he is a good man.

I would be advising him to get away from you and to co-parent his child.

You both sound young and don't have to have your lifes ruined by your choices.

Be kind to your husband and don't make separating any worse than it has to be.

Respect his choice not to be a mug.

Good luck.

Why didn’t you tell him the whole truth

I'm not a believer in hammering someone automatically for an affair because there are thousands of different situations and I'm not arrogant enough to know what I would do in each of them.

However two thing spring out that aren't saveable. You have only been married for 4 years. That isn't a long time which suggests that this isn't something born of out of a decades loneliness and benign neglect.

Also you lied when you told your DH . That's not something for me that would be remotely saveable. You still tried to manipulate him by only telling half (and no before you say it you did not lie to save him the hurt or any other number of reasons the only possible reason for lying at that point was to make yourself seem better).

On those grounds it does not sound like there could be any getting past this.

Firstly no judgement from me. Its not up to you if this is fixable. He has to decide if he can trust you again and if he wants to work on this.

If it took you four months to realise it was inappropriate to cheat on your husband, then when you came clean you didn’t even tell him the whole story (leaving out the physical aspect), then I really don't see what is left to salvage. That's just horrible.

People who have affairs have a ability to lie and compartmentalize their lives, in a way that people who don't have affairs cannot. I suggest you work on your own issues as opposed to expecting your husband to get over it.

I'm still with husband after his affair but let me be clear, things are not the same, I feel differently about us, I don't love him like I did before his affair. If he decides to stay with you, you have a very rocky road ahead, you will not be trusted for a very long time, you will have to be open and transparent at all times, expect his anger to last a long time and don't expect your relationship to be ever be the same. You must be honest, answer all his questions, he may want all the sordid details and if you hide things now it will only be worse for you. He will have lost all respect for you and that will need to be earned back along with his trust.
It may be better for you both that you just split.

You didn’t tell him everything and made it sound like an emotional affair. That’s made it even worse.

Although I am impressed you managed a physical affair during lockdown. Where the fuck did you find the bloke? Where the fuck did DH think you had gone?

Come on OP, tell us, how did you go off shagging during lockdown?
Anyway, your DH should show you the door. You should be the one to leave.
Amazed you think you have been an exemplary wife purely for keeping your knickers on to other men for 4 years. Well done you!!