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Original poster

To think I can save my marriage after infidelity(mine)?

257 replies

Shehz21 · 16/08/2020 10:37

I'm posting here for traffic and want to get opinions/read about experiences from anyone who has cheated in their marriage.

I have cheated on DH who I've been married to for 4 years during lockdown. I have always been the exemplary wife, mother(we have a 3 year old DD) and everyone always looked up to us as being the ideal couple. I started feeling extremely lonely during lockdown and think I got caught up in the whole "new man giving attention to me" situation. I extremely regret and came clean to my husband few days ago about the emotional side of the relationship and the next day he spoke to OM and OM told him about the physical side of it. DH is totally broken as he genuinely loved and cared about me so much. He says he can never trust or love me again and staying in this marriage will only make me miserable as he won't be able to be the old him again. I really want to save my marriage and need to know whether it is possible to survive this together? Will he ever be able to love me again? Is there anything I can do from my side to bring that love out of him again?
The affair lasted 4 months and ended because I was feeling extremely guilty about cheating on DH which is why I came clean to him the same day I ended the affair. Only thing is I failed to tell him about the times I slept with OM and he had to hear it from him. Can anyone who has been through this situation help me please or share your thoughts/experiences?

OP posts:
MiddleClassProblem · 16/08/2020 16:20

@Wester have you been putting odd cocks on too?

celticmissey · 16/08/2020 16:22

Sorry OP, my OH cheated on me for the same length of time. Never once did he speak to me about feeling lonely or unhappy in the relationship when I was working my arse off with my DD, stressful job and doing everything in the house to near breaking point or did he give me the opportunity to suggest ways we could improve things. No opportunity, no honesty, no respect, just pure selfishness...

I would never have expected him to be the kind of person who would cheat. It nearly destroyed me and I know how your husband feels. He didn't think you were capable of it either by the sounds of it. I'm a year on, trying to mend it for the sake of my DD but the love has gone from me and I'm thinking of throwing in the towel shortly. It's not something you can delete from your mind or your heart is it? You can't undo what you did....

However, in your defence you did come clean in the end but even that was only partially - still showed him no respect and lied about the sex because you thought it would be a deal breaker to get back with your husband - cheaters do that a lot! it's called hedging your bets - well you know what? even then you lied to protect yourself and didn't even show him the respect of giving him the entire truth!

The sad thing is you have broken his heart. I get where he is coming from. Things will NEVER go back to the happy times without a load of work on both sides but he doesn't want to try so you must let him go so he can find happiness with some one he can trust. Concentrate on working on yourself and be the best parents you can to your dd. She didn't ask for this situation either.

QuacksInTheDark · 16/08/2020 16:22

I think Wester is on a wind up 😂

PhilCornwall1 · 16/08/2020 16:27

Everyone cheats. Get real.

In 21 years of marriage and 24 years together, I've never cheated, never considered it and never will.

lynsey91 · 16/08/2020 16:28

@Wester no not everyone cheats. Been married 40 years, never cheated and never will. Never cheated on boyfriends before I married.

2bazookas · 16/08/2020 16:32

So, you cheated. An affair always involves lies to cover the absences etc.

Then to assuage your own upset you told him you'd been unfaithful and immediately followed that up with an even bigger cheat and lie , that there was no sex. Then he had the humiliation of finding out the truth from the OM.

   And you're still pretending you "came clean"  ?

" the Only thing is I failed to tell him about the times I slept with OM"

   Even your lies are lies.
Notredamn · 16/08/2020 16:58

Nah, you've fucked it up. You can't salvage it by yourself. Your husband sounds like he has some self respect but even if you manipulate him with what love he has left for you, while he is devastated and vulnerable, things won't be the same. It will always play on the poor bloke's mind and yours, as well.

Rubbleonthedouble1 · 16/08/2020 17:04

No sorry it’s unforgivable to cheat and then tell a half truth

Hayyancairo2 · 16/08/2020 18:30

@DioneTheDiabolist

Try sending a 'Sorry' card.
Seriously....... Or are you being sarcastic...
SleepingStandingUp · 16/08/2020 18:32

Everyone cheats. Get real. Yeah, please don't project your morals on to the rear of us eh.

You can salvage your marriage. It's not for him to choose, it should be a joint decision. So if he wants a divorce and she doesn't he has to stay in a marriage with a cheat who has no respect for him? What if she hot her partner and didn't want a divorce, would he still have to stay?

Easylikesunday · 16/08/2020 18:37

Of five close friends all have cheated so I do think it's more common than MN wouldnlike t think.

SleepingStandingUp · 16/08/2020 18:39

@Easylikesunday

Of five close friends all have cheated so I do think it's more common than MN wouldnlike t think.
Over how long marriage out of interest? I wonder if it's just seen as more acceptable in some circles. Danny does it, Lucy forgives him. Steve's wife Sandy says she understands why Lucy forgave him. Steve feels like it's now ok to do so etc. Or if people with similar values just find each other
Easylikesunday · 16/08/2020 18:43

1- theyve been married for almost 20 years, he cheated first.

2- she's been married for almost 25 I think but she's already checked out of her marriage.

3- maybe 10 years? He's very abusive though.

4- they're not even married.

5- 7 years left her husband for the OM.

Leaannb · 16/08/2020 18:51

@Wester

Everyone cheats. Get real.

You can salvage your marriage, your husband will probably need to spend some time processing it, and you need to recommit and make it obvious to him you want to stay.

Good luck and if you want to stay with him, you can make it happen. It's not for him to choose, it should be a joint decision.

What he's feeling now can be fixed with time xx

30 years married and never cheated. Even when we were separated many, many times for many,many months in very scary situations. Never cheated
trappedsincesundaymorn · 16/08/2020 18:58

It's not for him to choose

The only choice exh got was which suitcase to use to pack his stuff and get the feck out.

DisneyMillie · 16/08/2020 19:22

I think he might be able to learn to live with it but it’s a bloody hard road ahead for you as well as him if you try to make it work. My dh cheated for about the same amount of time and a year after finding out I’m still a mess and still need to talk about it regularly / be reassured.

My advice to you would be really soul search as to why you did it and work out if there’s things you need to change about the relationship or things you need to change about you.

Do not tell any part truths - be as honest as possible as for me it’s the drip drip of info that’s been the hardest to move past.

WB205020 · 16/08/2020 19:41

I don't think @Shehz21 is coming back now her ass has been handed to her......I thinks he may have expected a magic potion to reverse her fuck up.

A 1 night stand is one thing (not acceptable though) but a 4 month fucking affair. FFS.....you don't deserve another chance OP!

KarmaStar · 16/08/2020 19:59

Op has gone,could this be a reverse?..If genuine,op at least acknowledge the advice given by pp.

SimplySteveRedux · 16/08/2020 20:20

She's probably busy being an exemplary wife to mingle with us rabble Grin

KarmaStar · 17/08/2020 14:51

😀

RumpoleoftheBaileys · 17/08/2020 19:14

This has been picked up by the Fail.

wildcherries · 17/08/2020 19:22

Yeah, came back to say that.

MiddleClassProblem · 17/08/2020 21:12

@Shehz21 I would ask for this to be taken down due to it being in the press and you haven’t name changed.

lockdownbreakdown · 17/08/2020 22:08

Maybe OP saw this www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-8634837/Woman-affair-lockdown-asks-trust-infidelity.html

Effing daily fail fishing

MrsTerryPratchett · 18/08/2020 01:53

@RumpoleoftheBaileys

This has been picked up by the Fail.
Picked up by the Fail or...
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