Absolutely livid

[Whathastheworldbecome]

My dp (3 years) went to work yesterday. We have only recently moved in together.

Before he went to work I got up with him at 7am and made him breakfast. While he was out I cleaned the house, hovered, mopped, dusted, walked the dog, cleaned the bedroom, cleaned the ensuite and the main bathroom and put fresh bedding on. I watered the lawn for him at his request. I ironed him clothes for work and made a slow cooker dinner. I also did a food shop. I worked all day trying to get the place in decent order so when he came home he wouldn’t have to do anything, he could just put his feet up.

I put one note on the fridge asking him to empty the kitchen bin. The reason I didn’t do it is because the outside bin needs compacted down, otherwise I’d have done it myself.

He comes home and goes straight to the fridge, looks at the note and states “do you not know how to empty a bin?” It wasn’t said with any sarcasm. He was being serious.

I was completely taken a back, I thought he’d be chuffed with all the work I’d done. I told him what I’d done all day and why I hadn’t emptied the bin. I then opened the fridge told him I’d gotten his favourite dessert in and I’d put water in the fridge for him as it was such a hot day.

His response was “yeah because that was really hard to do.”

I ended up taking the rubbish out myself and went for a bath and had a little cry. His response to this was to tell me he does housework all the time and doesn’t cast up about it which is what he felt I was doing. I just feel like crap today and has really put me off living with him.

I haven't rtft. It sounds like you adopted him. Stop being his DM don't set yourself up looking after him like he is a delicate egg, it is lovely if he appreciated it, he does Not.

He’s a dick. This won’t end well. Move out (or chuck him out, whichever).

Get out now. This is how my ex started and three years later it ended with him beating me with a frying pan.

You're not being anywhere near unreasonable and he's a massive twat

Kick him to the kerb . And in future stay in bed let him get his own bloody breakfast . Get out now as it will only get worse and harder to leave

Thank goodness he showed his true colours within a few weeks! Imagine being 10 years down the line with a full-time job, 3 children AND a lazy, ungrateful twat. At least you haven't wasted years of your life!

I’m a fella replying to you - leave him!

Next time, tell him you're going out for the day and leave him a list of all the things you'd like him to do, because none of them are hard to do! This works best at a weekend, because he can't complain that he was at work.

If that was me I'd be thanking you for all the housework you had done plus shopping and everything else you did ! I bet you never got a minute to yourself that day! Just write it off and start again and if it keeps happening or similar then you have to ask yourself if you want to live like this? Take care of yourself and be strong 💪

Sounds like a massive twit - get out while you have no other ties to him!!

@Shedpaint

Don’t do things in order to gain his approval

If you want your shared accommodation to look clean and have fresh sheets and a nice meal in then great crack on and have it so

But putting water in the fridge FOR HIM and HIS favourite desert and getting up to do breakfast when you don’t need to be up at the weekend FOR HIM is all seeking constant praise and thanks which this man won’t give you.

In some ways I see his point even if he was an arsehole about it. When I work weekends if I get in and DH has cleaned the house I don’t expect I need to instantly heap ok the praise.
Because I’m a decent person I would notice and say ooh you have been busy it looks lovely but I won’t thank him- it’s not my job he’s done for me it’s a shared responsibility as is earning the money to live on.

Your self worth sounds very low.
It’s lovely to treat a partner sometimes and little things done with love are really important to show we care but spending all day like a slave and mopping his brow and being his servant then feeling crestfallen when he is a shot about it suggests you need validation in an unhealthy way.

Absolutely ditto Shedpaint!

You're not his lapdog to be sitting at its master's feet waiting for a perfunctory pat on the head like a 'good girl'! Works both ways.. and when you get a little respect and appreciation from him then you can start by making or buying his favourite dessert as his 'reward' for being a good boy! Don't put yourself in shackles at such an early stage - he'll expect it and more as time goes on and you'll feel resentful.

If the bathroom was gross, I personally think the right response would be something like, "bathroom's not fun to clean, why don't we go halves on a cleaner when I move in. They could also do X y and z in the hour we have them in."

Then if he doesn't want to get a cleaner you could then talk about division of chores.

Tell him to F the F off. Then pack up
and leave. He won’t get nicer, he’ll just get more awful.

YANBU but a note would have pissed me off. Was there a reason you couldn’t have said, ‘after dinner would you mind taking the bin out as it’s really full and I can’t / don’t want to crush it down.
Why a note?
You did a lot of housework. Is that because you don’t work or are you just on a day off.
If living together is a new thing perhaps you should have a chat about your expectations / devision of household chores.
It really shouldn’t be this much of an issue.
Sounds like you’re both being dramatic to me.

I'm sorry to say but you should probably look up the definitions of narcissist and misogynist. Sounds like he wins awards in both camps.

Life is too short to be running round after pricks like that. I did it when I was much younger for about 4 months and the guy basically did what yours did. I told him to F off, packed his bags and threw him out whilst I moved on. He went to live with his mother. Probably still there now for all I care.

Narcissists use and use and use and have NO idea they are being unreasonable. He may 'grovel' or shower you with gifts but that's only so he can trample you again shortly.

Get rid. Be happy.

You need to leave him right now. Don’t stop to listen to any excuses he might offer, just get out as fast as you can. He will not change his behaviour and will make you very unhappy. There are lovely men out there - go find one and have a happy life. Good luck! x

WTF? Men are such arseholes. He needs educating on how to live with someone else. Also make sure he does his share of the chores and value yourself!

@Whathastheworldbecome,
Wow! You know what I would wait a few days to see what his excuse would be or even if he does try to apologise. Then leave now out gracefully and tell him you're not a mug.
Wish you all the best @Whathastheworldbecome

That's bow out. Bloody predictive texting!!

RUN, run as fast as you can! You are too good to waste yourself on this twat. A normal response would be, 'Thank you for all your hard work.'

He thinks you're a doormat and the love is very much one-sided. This should not be happening at this stage of the relationship. Don't cry. Be assertive, make a plan. Tell him exactly what you did, how long it took you. Tell him what you don't like about the bathroom, what you expect him to do. Be VERY clear.
If he doesn't care, leave him.

"I put one note on the fridge asking him to empty the kitchen bin. The reason I didn’t do it is because the outside bin needs compacted down, otherwise I’d have done it myself."

He comes home and goes straight to the fridge, looks at the note and states “do you not know how to empty a bin?” It wasn’t said with any sarcasm. He was being serious."

Tbf I'd be a bit if I came home to a note asking me to empty the bin, I'd wonder why my boyfriend hadn't just done it instead of writing me a note asking me to do it. Stop doing his ironing though!

"I worked all day trying to get the place in decent order so when he came home he wouldn’t have to do anything, he could just put his feet up."

Also this is going to sound bitchy, but all day?! As in something like 8 hours on cleaning, some ironing and a food shop?! He either needs to pull his weight more if he does so little around the house that it takes a whole day to get it back into order, or you need to lower your cleaning standards a bit.

He sounds like an absolute arsehole, I wouldn’t want to live with him either

I wouldn’t be doing so much for him in the first place though - Me & DH have been together nearly 10 years, I don’t think I’ve ever ironed a thing of his 😂🙈

@AnytimeIsWineTime

What a totally ungrateful sh*it head! You do more than what I do that’s for sure! My dad pointed out that mum and made a double crease in one of his work shirts once. She said she would never do it again. That was 30 years ago. To this day, mum has not ironed a single item of his clothing.

Love this good on your Mother exactly what needs doing here you either never do any housework again or leave him.

@Whathastheworldbecome

You are NOT a martyr. But I fear you have made an error of judgement. Start making plans to leave in case you need to.
And IGNORE the ignorant, cruel posters on here. They’re hiding behind their keyboards & live to bully others.

Maybe you are not speaking each other's 'love language'. Before you jump to conclusions, it may be worth finding out what your love language is, and what is one is?
www.5lovelanguages.com/