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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Absolutely livid

468 replies

Whathastheworldbecome · 16/08/2020 08:09

My dp (3 years) went to work yesterday. We have only recently moved in together.

Before he went to work I got up with him at 7am and made him breakfast. While he was out I cleaned the house, hovered, mopped, dusted, walked the dog, cleaned the bedroom, cleaned the ensuite and the main bathroom and put fresh bedding on. I watered the lawn for him at his request. I ironed him clothes for work and made a slow cooker dinner. I also did a food shop. I worked all day trying to get the place in decent order so when he came home he wouldn’t have to do anything, he could just put his feet up.

I put one note on the fridge asking him to empty the kitchen bin. The reason I didn’t do it is because the outside bin needs compacted down, otherwise I’d have done it myself.

He comes home and goes straight to the fridge, looks at the note and states “do you not know how to empty a bin?” It wasn’t said with any sarcasm. He was being serious.

I was completely taken a back, I thought he’d be chuffed with all the work I’d done. I told him what I’d done all day and why I hadn’t emptied the bin. I then opened the fridge told him I’d gotten his favourite dessert in and I’d put water in the fridge for him as it was such a hot day.

His response was “yeah because that was really hard to do.”

I ended up taking the rubbish out myself and went for a bath and had a little cry. His response to this was to tell me he does housework all the time and doesn’t cast up about it which is what he felt I was doing. I just feel like crap today and has really put me off living with him.

OP posts:
Emeraldshamrock · 17/08/2020 20:25

Come live with me. I will treat you better!
Or me. I think I'd be all gooey eyed if DP took the intuitive to do all those things for me every day even some days He doesn't and I definitely don't but I would really appreciate the effort.

ScrapThatThen · 17/08/2020 20:29

You are definitely at risk of getting into a dynamic where you do all the wifework and he criticises you for whatever. Because you are actually a thoughtful person pulling your weight and he is not.

LJenn · 17/08/2020 20:31

I don't really understand why anyone is asking about OP having a job. It doesn't actually matter. It's not an excuse for his behaviour. Period. He's a thoughtless selfish git. I'm not surprised you got upset OP, it's just the shock sometimes, when you've been so thoughtful and someone turns around and is so ungrateful.

"Yeah cause that was really hard to do.."
What the actual F is his problem? Where does he think he gets the right to belittle you like that? You need to put him right in his place OP, he doesn't appreciate you & if that's the way he behaves when he's asked to do ONE job.. can you imagine how things are going to go??

Wonderwoman550 · 17/08/2020 20:31

Thank you for that

jwpetal · 17/08/2020 20:34

A good conversation with him about how the work is split. It is fine that you want to have the house a certain way, but then as your life gets more complicated the division of labour and expectations get more complicated also. Asking him to take the bin out could have been handled much better than it was. Since this is a new relationship, I would be concerned about all of this reaction. Also, if the house was not great before you moved in, I would say this may have long term implications. Have the conversation on the outset. It was lovely that you made the breakfast, but if he is not recognising this with a thank you and lots of love, this may also require some thinking on your behalf.

good luck. Stand in your strength of who you are. If he has you doubting yourself already, I would say get out while you can.

Spinakker · 17/08/2020 20:40

He doesn't value you. Simple as that. You need to leave xx

UnshakenNeedsStirring · 17/08/2020 20:54

Whatever you do, dont get pregnant! He sounds awful. And you dont need to clean or iron his shirts, dear lord, you are nto his maid. Maids get paid

Kateguide · 17/08/2020 20:58

This is replicated in so many houses around the country. Both people in the household work full time yet (usually) the woman does the lions share of the chores.

This happened to me when I first moved in with my now husband. He did virtually nothing. I said that I wasn't his maid and I said we either do a 50:50 split or we get a cleaner as I was not willing to sacrifice my spare time to clear up his mess. We got a cleaner. That worked and works for us.

WaltzingBetty · 17/08/2020 21:07

@Kateguide

This is replicated in so many houses around the country. Both people in the household work full time yet (usually) the woman does the lions share of the chores.

This happened to me when I first moved in with my now husband. He did virtually nothing. I said that I wasn't his maid and I said we either do a 50:50 split or we get a cleaner as I was not willing to sacrifice my spare time to clear up his mess. We got a cleaner. That worked and works for us.

Really?

I don't know any functioning couple where the primary method of communication when both adults are in the household is a written message on the fridge followed by a 'justifying' diatribe of 'all the things I've done today'...

Happygirl79 · 17/08/2020 21:19

He doesn't value you
Why are you with him?

cakewench · 17/08/2020 21:20

You posted this because you were (rightly) livid about his reaction to your very basic request.

You’re now incredibly upset with everyone here because they’re telling you what a piece of work this man is.

Kateguide · 17/08/2020 21:22

I wasn't there so don't know the context of the post it or the 'diatribe, ' but in the past, if I haven't managed to talk to him, I have left him a note to remind him to do something. Likewise he has left notes for me. Now we have WhatsApp so I don't even need to speak to him 😂

sjonlegs · 17/08/2020 21:33

What a dick! Hmm Why on earth did you marry him? Confused Time to make it clear that keeping house is a 'joint' responsibility!! Buck up, shut up or ship out!!

WaltzingBetty · 17/08/2020 21:48

@Kateguide

I wasn't there so don't know the context of the post it or the 'diatribe, ' but in the past, if I haven't managed to talk to him, I have left him a note to remind him to do something. Likewise he has left notes for me. Now we have WhatsApp so I don't even need to speak to him 😂
That's fair enough but in this situation both people were home and using notes as the primary means of communication seems a touch unusual and assume aggressive. Not common at all
WaltzingBetty · 17/08/2020 21:49

*passive aggressive

copperoliver · 17/08/2020 22:27

I don't blame you ungrateful bastard. X

LovelyIssues · 17/08/2020 22:27

Bless you OP Flowers you sound so lovely and thoughtful. That would have made me cry too

echodot · 17/08/2020 22:28

@Whathastheworldbecome

Just to be clear, I didn’t do it to get “praise” I just didn’t expect him to come home and take that reaction.

It wasn’t until he made the comment about the bin that I told him what I had done all day. I was trying to make the comparison, that yes, I might not have taken the bin out but I have done pretty much everything else. Not looking for praise

I completely get where you are coming from. Next time you have a day off, get up late, do fuck all, don't make dinner or clean the bathroom.

Just take the bin out
This is what I would do but then I can be a bitch too

empiricallyyours · 17/08/2020 22:50

Have a serious think about what this man does for you. Anything at all? If not, call time on this one-sided relationship.

Zoejj77 · 17/08/2020 22:56

You did too much and he’s an arse hole

Bettybott · 17/08/2020 23:09

The bitter butter is better.

Bettybott · 17/08/2020 23:10

Sorry, that was meant for something else lol. No yanbu. X

Annieconn · 17/08/2020 23:41

Is he helpless, don't do another thing for him. Pity you moved in with him.

ThinkWittyThoughts · 18/08/2020 00:08

Is anyone else getting pissed off with these "are you his mum?" Comments? Frankly I find that just as insulting as "don't be a wife to your boyfriend".

  1. a mum is not a fucking slave, no more than a wife is a skivvy. Rude.

  2. it's the responsibility of parents to raise grown adults, i.e. who share household chores and say thank you when someone has put a lot of effort into improving joint living space

  3. it's the responsibility of every adult to be an adult - you don't get the blame your parents for all eternity

--

OP, I get it. You felt like doing some nice things for your boyfriend : you made him breakfast, got in a few bits for dessert he'd like. You also did him a favour and watered the grass for him. And then, you cleaned loads of the house. You didn't ask for heaps of praise and adoration for this.

But then you were on the receiving end of a disrespectful jibe, so you defended yourself.

So far, so good. Next came an couple of errors.

  1. you put the fucking bins out for him!
  2. you quietly went off to lick your wounds in the bath
  3. you forgot to look in the mirror and realise your deserve more respect from your life partner
  4. you totally forgot to make arrangements to move out.

This is that clarity moment. Y'know, the one that creates a fork in the road of life and you get to save yourself from years of disrespect and heartache: you get to dodge the bullet.

YOU DESERVE MORE THAN THIS

merlynred1 · 18/08/2020 00:10

@ AnaadiNitya
Absolutely spot on!