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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Absolutely livid

468 replies

Whathastheworldbecome · 16/08/2020 08:09

My dp (3 years) went to work yesterday. We have only recently moved in together.

Before he went to work I got up with him at 7am and made him breakfast. While he was out I cleaned the house, hovered, mopped, dusted, walked the dog, cleaned the bedroom, cleaned the ensuite and the main bathroom and put fresh bedding on. I watered the lawn for him at his request. I ironed him clothes for work and made a slow cooker dinner. I also did a food shop. I worked all day trying to get the place in decent order so when he came home he wouldn’t have to do anything, he could just put his feet up.

I put one note on the fridge asking him to empty the kitchen bin. The reason I didn’t do it is because the outside bin needs compacted down, otherwise I’d have done it myself.

He comes home and goes straight to the fridge, looks at the note and states “do you not know how to empty a bin?” It wasn’t said with any sarcasm. He was being serious.

I was completely taken a back, I thought he’d be chuffed with all the work I’d done. I told him what I’d done all day and why I hadn’t emptied the bin. I then opened the fridge told him I’d gotten his favourite dessert in and I’d put water in the fridge for him as it was such a hot day.

His response was “yeah because that was really hard to do.”

I ended up taking the rubbish out myself and went for a bath and had a little cry. His response to this was to tell me he does housework all the time and doesn’t cast up about it which is what he felt I was doing. I just feel like crap today and has really put me off living with him.

OP posts:
Joeblack066 · 17/08/2020 17:41

Sometimes I wish I wasn’t single, then ....!!

Holothane · 17/08/2020 17:41

Get rid we both have health issues our wonderful cleaner has been a godsend, otherwise we help each other, dh will hoover or help doing bins.

sabbii · 17/08/2020 17:43

OP, a constant grind of these "little things" can absolutely destroy someone. It's certainly not a trivial matter!

padsi1975 · 17/08/2020 17:45

Start as you mean to go on is a great bit of advice. You doing so much might seem loving and caring now but years down the line, especially if you have kids, it will feel like drudge. Drudge is bad all on its own, feeling unappreciated or disrespected or taken advantage of makes it thousands of times worse. It's boring and not sexy but I'd advise at this early stage that you divide up chores and get a cleaning lady. That has saved countless arguments in my house. Do your fair share and no more. He's a grown up, he now lives with someone so agreeing chores and standards now (i.e. you can't bear a dirty bathroom, however much he doesn't mind it) is the best way to swerve conflict. Be careful op, I know a lot of people where the domestic workload is not shared in a fair way and it's a quick way to kill off a romance. Good luck.

GingerWit · 17/08/2020 17:45

Are you his partner or his Mother combined house maid?

Don't enable his behaviour. Move out while it's still early days. Don't waste your tears in this mental abuse. It almost sounds like narcissistic gaslighting.

You are a human being- You deserve to be valued. You're nobodies monkey.

None of this, "Oh but he was working" etc. Get out now.

Teddybear27 · 17/08/2020 17:54

My feeling is that some men, not all by any means, will move in with a partner because they want all their washing, ironing and dinner done like their mummy would do for them.
In other words lazy, let the little woman do the housework...
In fairness he may not have realised how much you had done that day? Men tend not to notice stuff like that or make the assumption that “you like doing it” yeah, right, like I LOVE lugging the Hoover about and listening to the sound of the washing machine all day. 😳
It’s called Thankless Tasks...
This isn’t going to get any better and he will expect you to do this. If you are happy with that fine, if not move on... he will just have to do it himself or get mummy to do it again.... Move on.... it is 2020, not 1720!

Mmpip · 17/08/2020 17:54

Ugh. Leave before you have a life of misery and please don't beg for approval. Be strong and independent & do what pleases you, not wasting your precious time and energy on arseholes.....

MollyMinniesMum · 17/08/2020 17:55

This is what it’s like the first year of living with someone

Teddybear27 · 17/08/2020 17:55

Mmpip - couldn’t agree more....

Sandii · 17/08/2020 17:56

Errr....are you his employee ? Stop trying to people please. He sounds horrid .

TheRobotsAreComing · 17/08/2020 17:57

Don't listen to all the martyr comments, he was ungrateful and frankly a bit of a shithead for all the nice things you did that day.

Take it as a lesson learned. Stop doing all the extra nice bits and only do what's needed or what you have time for. Set your bounderies. If he carries on being an arse re housework and distribution of chores then count yourself lucky you got a glimpse of what potential married/parent life would be with him. Flowers

SummerNamechangeHappened · 17/08/2020 17:59

LTB

Exquisite · 17/08/2020 18:00

Pack your bags and get out of that relationship, surely you can see what the road ahead holds for you if you stay. You sound like a kind and loving young lady. DON`T waste your life on a twat like him babes, you deserve sooooooooo much better. Please leave him, he will only get worse...

TrishTeres · 17/08/2020 18:05

Yes. Move out. But make it positive. People who abstain from sex and financial entanglements with each other or others before marriage are far more likely to last the distance if they decide to marry. Marriage preparation helps couples to discuss and review their expectations so they can really form a great foundation for life. Laugh it off and tell him you think it's better for your chances for the long run that you both continue to date? You will at least find out his reaction!

Lovely13 · 17/08/2020 18:06

If this situation was in Victorian times, would understand. But we are in 2020. Tell this horrible man where to stick his breakfast, rubbish, lawn, etc and get out.

earnshaw47 · 17/08/2020 18:06

anyone have dogs that live next door to them please and if they have pro blems

Attitude84 · 17/08/2020 18:07

I’d have thrown his cheese cake in said bin. Ungrateful fucker.

Petlover9 · 17/08/2020 18:08

Move out - he definitely won't change

Mumgonenuts2020 · 17/08/2020 18:08

Does his mum live nearby? 💙🌈

LadyofTheManners · 17/08/2020 18:10

Is he mistaking you for his fucking mum?
Cheeky bastard
I would've refused, point blank to empty that bin. I would taken my dinner out the slow cooker and binned the rest. And I certainly would NOT have left his clothes all neat either.
What a knob.

Tiredwiththeshits · 17/08/2020 18:12

I think my response to that would be, ‘Well I won’t bother again then if your going to be like that (optional ‘you cunt’), then let it lay in the air as you run yourself a hot bath, order your fav dinner and pour a glass of wine. If he’s a real nasty chap he’ll kick off if not he’ll laugh it off and apologise for his rudeness

LittleMissH13 · 17/08/2020 18:12

I’m astounded by some of the comments people have made Hmm The poster has made it clear that she works full time & wasn’t seeking praise. Personally I’d sit & have a talk together about expectations/divide of chores & try to come to an agreement on who does what so it’s clear.
I would have appreciated a “thanks” for your kind gestures though as he sounded ungrateful Smile

Margerine78 · 17/08/2020 18:13

Was he this rude pre-moving in? I'd be wary, he might be one of those men who once you move in thinks zero effort needs to be made further on their part. Also, plain mean of him. I got red flag vibes tbh.

pollymere · 17/08/2020 18:15

He reminds me of my EX. Unappreciative and emotionally abusive. However, my DH isn't that appreciative either so it could be a man thing - DH is different in that whilst he doesn't truly appreciate certain foods or cleaning, he also wouldn't care if I'd spent the day reading in bed eating snacks.

Madremia2019 · 17/08/2020 18:18

My husband started behaving like this soon I move in with him. I was exactly like you, first time I was buying everything he likes and making dinner for him at 9 pm because he only would eat late at night. Shopping on my way back home ( I didn’t drive , he has a car, never offer to get shopping done) I just had a little cry was the norm on the first years that after years I run out of tears. That’s how all started. The ungrateful would said that how hard is to do housework it’s not all day ! it’s less than couple hours, but wouldn’t clean his coffee stains or wipe the toilet. Now I put the bin full by the door if he need to get out he need to empty, no notes , no asking . He can’t move out of the way and just leave because he would basically agree on how lazy he is. So he does. We are on the path of divorce! Just waiting for him to move out because apparently he packed but still not found a place to move out.