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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dh keeps breaking my stuff

219 replies

DimidDavilby · 15/08/2020 12:50

Dh has just broken the butter dish, which was a gift from my stepdad, who had it from his great aunt (sadly departed). He has form for breaking my precious possessions by not treating them with care. He will then say, oh it was an accident, its a clean break but makes no attempt to ever fix.

He shouted through from the kitchen that he had done it and then came through about 5 min later to the front room. I was a bit off with him- didn't have a go, just a bit quiet - and now he's annoyed at me.

AIBU to not be instantly over the breaking of a precious thing?

OP posts:
LillianBland · 16/08/2020 08:48

So many women coming on this thread, justifying the op’s husband’s actions by completely ignoring his responses. Even trying to belittle people. It makes me wonder what they are actually like as people, when they excuse breaking precious items belonging to someone else and then being awful and hurtful to the person about it.

So many PEOPLE. Unfortunately we get a lot of men that pop in to belittle any woman in distress, though I have to agree with you, regarding the rest of your statement. They’ve completely ignored the fact that the OP’s husband never breaks his own stuff and reacts in an angry and bullying manner towards the OP when she appears upset about it. Their attitude towards OP and anyone that believes him to be deliberately targeting her stuff is very suspect.

Pobblebonk · 16/08/2020 08:52

The fact that he punishes you for being a bit quiet, and that he does things out of spite, surely must make you re-evaluate whether you want to stay with him?

C152H · 16/08/2020 09:02

YANBU - treating your things with such little care is extremely disrespectful; as is showing no understanding or concern that you're upset about his behaviour.

Constantly showing little concern about my own things (and breaking them, then not bothering to repair or replace them, even when asked) is one of the many reasons I left my ex.

Porridgeoat · 16/08/2020 09:41

For me it’s his reactions around the breaking which are the main issue. He’s not learning or apologetic or mending or caring. He uses breakages as a platform for mind games

Porridgeoat · 16/08/2020 09:46

If it was dyspraxia he would be breaking everyone’s things not just ops

TimelyManor · 16/08/2020 11:07

This is such an interesting thread. My otherwise nice dh is careless of my things and is never sorry when he damages them

Is he really otherwise nice, deep down, StraffeHendrick? Sometimes it's difficult to see other 'unkind' behaviours when we've lived with them for a long time and they become our normal.

LillianBland's idea is very good.

JoysOfString · 16/08/2020 11:32

My ex was “nice”, it was a huge part of his self-image and he always promoted this idea of himself as Mr Lovely. He’d move heaven and earth to help people, lend stuff, do favours, be oh so generous, and get loads of praise and adoration for being So Lovely. I fell for this for a long time, and of course it was lovely to be on the receiving end of the “lovely” behaviour.

But he was actually, deep down, incredibly selfish and angry - all the nice behaviour was to get the adulation he craved, but if there wasn’t the prospect of that, he was a lazy, gaslighting twat. Living with him, I expected that he’d do his share around the house, doing admin etc and not for any special praise but out of a sense of responsibility and because he wouldn’t want to dump it all on his partner who he lived. I think this was one of the roots of his deep, PA anger towards me. That being in a relationship wasn’t about being praised and adored all the time, but being expected to be an equal partner. He was also I think angry about my (not mind blowing) career success and getting any attention for it at all.

But as a modern man and Mr Lovely, he couldn’t admit to himself that all he really wanted was to be king of the castle with a little wifey who did all the housework and constantly adulated him. This is where so much PA shit comes from I think. Men who deep down cannot cope with women being their equals, but who would also never admit to such sexism.

ithinkiveseenthisfilmbefore · 16/08/2020 12:09

It's contempt. For you. And you're not allowed to call him out on it.

Very unhealthy relationship.

Planesmistakenforstars · 16/08/2020 12:45

*For all those that are clumsy or have partners who are clumsy have you read about dispraxia. This is where you are not good at judging distances relative to yourself and don't always quite grip objects or get a good hold before you pick them up. You can also bump into things a lot.
I have a daughter with it and she is also sensitive to noise and likes to do repetitive things like cycle around the house for ages to switch off before going to bed. *

Oh wow. This has really struck a chord. I would roller skate round in circles in our garage for ages, or spend HOURS just on a swing as a child to switch off. Also the noise sensitivity. Thank you, I will look into this.

StraffeHendrik · 16/08/2020 14:49

Yes, he is indeed otherwise nice. I think maybe the thing about not being careful with things in our house could somehow be due to growing up with a mother who controls everything in the house and somehow he is making a point to himself subconsciously about being allowed to not be careful in his own house (he is also careless with his own things but not his mother's). The thing is I have often felt quite bad thinking "it feels like he doesn't respect me as he is careless with my stuff" but also it is incongruous with the rest of his behaviour which I would definitely not say is unkind or disrespectful at all. Maybe this gives me some insight...?

MadameMeursault · 16/08/2020 15:01

He'll punish me all day now. I'm not a good enough actress for this relationship.

What am I reading? He sounds like a manipulative, and possibly abusive, shit. This is a worse problem than him breaking your stuff.

MulticolourMophead · 16/08/2020 15:11

Anyone who is careless about other people's things, but never their own isn't going to be a nice person.

My ex didn't give a shit about my stuff, but would go on and on at me if I so much as shifted anything og his out of line. He threw out stuff of mine, once even cutting up one of my jumpers he really hated.

Once you realise they don't care about your things, you start to see patterns in their behaviour and realise they don't care a lot for you, either.

That's one reason why he's an ex.

Boredbumhead · 16/08/2020 15:32

I don't think your dp is nice OP.. or he would be on eBay right now funding and finding you a replacement.

LakieLady · 16/08/2020 15:45

Can I suggest you use his stuff and don't take care and shrug when it breaks

My DP is careless and always breaking stuff and he simply wouldn't give a toss if I broke things of his. He can't put the plates away in the cupboard without chipping them. He often breaks his own stuff, too.He simply doesn't get attached to "stuff" and doesn't get it.

He also "loses" stuff, ie puts it away and has no idea where. Two pairs of hair straighteners and an almost new saw are somewhere in the loft and he can't find them. And garden tools are left lying around under bushes and stuff and I find the rusted relic of them years after they went on the missing list.

He's careful with money though. I often make a point of how much money we've had to waste on buying a new X or Y because he lost or broke the old one, and it doesn't make any difference, he simply doesn't get it.

He's broken a couple of things that came from my late parents' house, too. I was very upset about one, a ceramic umbrella stand in a pattern that my mother particularly loved. He dropped a big bunch of keys on it and a 2" x 3" bit broke off the top. I was really upset.

Then he almost made things worse by offering to glue it back together. Disregarding that anything glued together by him would like it had been done by a 5-year old, he has no conception of how it's now spoiled for me, and that I was emotionally attached to it.

And if I ever find where he's left the best pliers I ever had, that used to live in the "messy drawer" in the kitchen, I may just have to ram them up his arse.

Techway · 16/08/2020 16:10

@JoysOfString, could be the same Ex. He was Mr Nice, charming and appeared so gentle. In some ways he was...only if he was getting what he wanted. He needed constant adulation which doesn't happen in long term partnerships.He definitely had mummy issues as had an abusive mum and disengaged Dad. As a result he was a covert misogynist as his career in corporates never allowed him to be overt.

It is so hard to spot the pattern as it doesn't appear in early stages of a relationship. Then you doubt yourself but years down the line you realise how his moods dominate your life and his agenda and needs dominate. My stuff wasn't broken but he would always prioritse getting rid of my things over his. Emotionally he was extremely stunted, very shame based so couldn't handle any perceived slight or criticism. He is very successful in getting new partners because the initial outward appearance is so positive but it is very superficial.

LakieLady · 16/08/2020 16:22

@StraffeHendrik, this really resonated with me:

I think maybe the thing about not being careful with things in our house could somehow be due to growing up with a mother who controls everything in the house and somehow he is making a point to himself subconsciously about being allowed to not be careful in his own house

DP's late father was a tyrant and made his kids' lives hell. We're bloody sure he had OCD or something, he was incredibly particular about where things were kept and perfectionist in everything. He was a motor mechanic with his own business, and his garage was immaculate, tools all neatly arrayed in order of size, everything in its place, everywhere spotlessly clean. DP hated him and left home as soon as he'd done his A-levels. His brother appeased their father and is very organised and really looks after stuff. (DBIL also has a fair few behaviours that make me suspect he may be "on the spectrum" and both his daughters have been diagnosed with Asperger's)

I could well imagine that the way DP treats things is a reaction against the control freakery of his father.

JoysOfString · 16/08/2020 16:32

Techway solidarity!

Yes the shame thing very much applied to mine too. He could not handle criticism at all and would try to deal with any questioning of his actions by immediately blustering and lying.

And yes after I left him he went straight out and got a new girlfriend, despite the fact that he's not especially stunningly attractive or anything, because he is SO good at being charming and self-deprecating and making you feel like he's a soulmate because he really understands you etc. He's not with a woman who is nice, but very different from me politically etc - and he has basically changed all his view and interests to match hers.

It really hurt and made me feel so stupid, because I realised that's of course what he will have done with me. Every time I thought "oh wow we have so much in common" it was because he was manufacturing a persona to make me think that and to think he was so great. Gah.

JoysOfString · 16/08/2020 16:33

Sorry that should be "He's now with a woman..."

CakeandCoffeeQueen · 16/08/2020 16:53

I have to say OP he doesn’t sounds like a nice person to live with, are you sure you want to spend the rest of you life with him?

SunshineCake · 16/08/2020 17:13

@Ghostlyglow

My DP is like this, and when stuff bothers me it annoys him, and I have to pretend it doesn't matter. When he's upset/annoyed about something it's perfectly understandable and he has to be fussed over Grin
Why the hell are you grinning at such pathetic behaviour ?
dustybluebell · 16/08/2020 20:08

Mine is the same. Funnily enough he broke our butter dish, which I was rather fond of, and the same as you OP, I was miffed, and unhappy with his carelessness. He also broke an ornament getting a book out of the bookcase. He really doesn't care, and he's much the same with his own things. Nothing has any meaning to him to be honest.

EatsShootsAndRuns · 16/08/2020 20:11

Ghostlyglow
My DP is like this, and when stuff bothers me it annoys him, and I have to pretend it doesn't matter. When he's upset/annoyed about something it's perfectly understandable and he has to be fussed overGrin

Why the hell are you grinning at such pathetic behaviour?

I wondered this too. Not something I'd be grinning over! Hmm

Vodkacranberryplease · 16/08/2020 20:22

I'm very clumsy and break things all the time BUT I am extra careful with precious things and especially other people's special things. So the whole 'just clumsy' thing doesn't apply here. This is pure passive aggressive.

Brefugee · 16/08/2020 20:24

Gosh there are some twatty replies on this thread, but this one takes the cake
Life is too short to be worried about breaking stuff, especially if it isn't really yours, but your partner's.

I agree things should be used, and we have several old things that have come down through both our families that are in regular use. The difference is that if we break one, there are tears (usually me because I'm a sentimental old trout) and comforting and profuse and genuine apologies.

It's the lack of genuine apology that many pp mention that is the real issue, rather than breaking things.

alfagirl73 · 16/08/2020 20:40

This was a favourite tactic of my sister's - who could give masterclasses in gaslighting & manipulation. She always managed to break/ruin things of mine - from items to clothes to my car - would "accidentally" cause damage - but it happened far too often and her giveaway was the look of almost joyful glee on her face when she did it. Y'know how whassisname on Dragon's Den always looks when he breaks the "invention" being presented? Like that! I'm nc with her now due to many things - but it was all part of her "subtle" bullying and gaslighting - she was on another level with that. If it's always your things and there's an unreasonable reaction when you call him out on it (rather than an apology and efforts to make amends) then it's deliberate - and it's nasty.