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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dh keeps breaking my stuff

219 replies

DimidDavilby · 15/08/2020 12:50

Dh has just broken the butter dish, which was a gift from my stepdad, who had it from his great aunt (sadly departed). He has form for breaking my precious possessions by not treating them with care. He will then say, oh it was an accident, its a clean break but makes no attempt to ever fix.

He shouted through from the kitchen that he had done it and then came through about 5 min later to the front room. I was a bit off with him- didn't have a go, just a bit quiet - and now he's annoyed at me.

AIBU to not be instantly over the breaking of a precious thing?

OP posts:
RedHelenB · 15/08/2020 14:28

If hes doing it on purpose yanbu and leave him.

If he isnt and is just clumsy then yabu.only you know which he is, not strangers on an internet.

blacksax · 15/08/2020 14:31

@Butchyrestingface

Have you posted about this before?

If not, your pain is shared.

I don't know whether the OP has posted about it before, but I have!
Seeingadistance · 15/08/2020 14:31

Make the broken butter dish your symbol of a decision to leave him and have a home that is safe from breakages, a reminder that you are worth so much more, that you are loved by people who only want the very best for you.

Do this, OP. ^

Fix the butter dish, and take it with you when you LTB. Keep it as a reminder of your own courage and strength, and enjoy your freedom.

JoysOfString · 15/08/2020 14:31

If you are considering leaving, can I suggest taking all your precious breakables and giving them to a friend for safekeeping?

I packed a bag with all my favourite crockery and precious sentimental items carefully wrapped up and cushioned, and hid it at the back of the garage. He never mentioned things being missing. I remember retrieving it when we'd split and moved out and the house had been sold, and I was clearing out the garage. Unwrapping those precious things in my and the DC new home was such a joy.

Original poster
DimidDavilby · 15/08/2020 14:32

He hates his mother & she is very overbearing. They fell out when he was a teen and the relationship has never really recovered.

OP posts:
Hotandknackered · 15/08/2020 14:32

My partner is quite clumsy he's broken a few things over the years which were more special but mainly its glasses and plates etc. I know it's accidental, he's quite tall with vey long arms and leg. I often think he lacks control of them. But I know he never does it out of spite. The thing that stood out for me in your updates was that yiu think he might be deliberately reckless out of spite. Does he do other things like that? It's not normal to behave in that way.

Starsabove1 · 15/08/2020 14:32

@Beautiful3 if you’d taken time to read the OPs post rather than immediately leaping to the defence of her ‘poor husband’ you would have seen that it’s about more than a butter dish and mug.
He breaks her things, never his own - so he can be careful when things are of value to him.

He was annoyed at OP for being upset at his carelessness and has form for punishing her for calling him out on it.

But all you took was a poor man being the victim of an unreasonable woman.

1WildTeaParty · 15/08/2020 14:32

If he is breaking things on purpose - then you need to ensure that he shares in the suffering in some way each time.

If he is clumsy and breaking things accidently but loves you, then he will want to make -up for his error in some way.

I suggest that you decide that he should buy something (expensive) that you would like - after every 'accidental' breakage and that you get to choose what this is and how much it costs.

(It is not intended to replace the valued item but to make you feel happier and to ensure that he feels the original loss.)

It should be something that is a luxury/pleasure for you - not for you both or for the house and not just a replacement item.

DoulaDaisy · 15/08/2020 14:36

People saying break something of his to show him how much it hurts, the man is a grown adult, if he doesn't realise that by now then he'll never get it. She shouldn't have to resort to petty revenge (even if it does feel good...).

Sounds like there's bigger things going on in your relationship OP. I hope you get them sorted or if you can't that you end it.

1WildTeaParty · 15/08/2020 14:36

It does all look exhausting to live with OP.

I might be tempted to pack up all my treasured things and take them away to somewhere that we would not incurr danger of 'accidental' or spiteful damage.

1forAll74 · 15/08/2020 14:37

I have had a lovely old glass butter dish broken,and two old treasured wine glasses broken, Broken by people who have been drying them after being washed, they just seemed to have slipped through their fingers, and smashed onto the floor.. All silly accidents, but when they are gone, they are gone, end of story.

EatsShootsAndRuns · 15/08/2020 14:37

OP the more I read, he is not a nice person. If my husband broke something of mine by accident, he would apologise profusely and look to find a replacement or mend it, not try to be a victim!

Please think hard if this is really how you want your life to be.

StrangeLookingParasite · 15/08/2020 14:41

Life is too short to be worried about breaking stuff, especially if it isn't really yours, but your partner's.

This is so extraordinarily selfish to me I can hardly believe someone wrote it.

He's an abuser, especially with the loud, pointed sulking. Leave, you will feel like you can fly.

AmandaHoldensLips · 15/08/2020 14:41

Sounds like it's time for a laundry accident. A red sock went in with all his whites and turned them pink. It could happen to anyone...

Purpleartichoke · 15/08/2020 14:55

Just to be clear, his reaction is not okay.

I do take issue with your assessment that he is at fault for breaking these things. I am very careful with my things and I break things all the time. I’m just clumsy. I drop things. I clip the edges of counters. It’s not just objects. I bump my own body into things And injure myself pretty frequently. So a person breaking a mug or a butter dish every few years seems like a ridiculously low breakage rate.

NoMoreReluctantCustodians · 15/08/2020 14:57

If he doesnt break his own stuff, only yours, I doubt very much its accidental all the time.

lottiegarbanzo · 15/08/2020 14:59

So let him stay angry, why not? Saves you from having to listen to his his 'spite' for a few days, doesn't it?

Then in a week or so, you can say, 'just checking, are you still angry with me because you broke my butter dish? Maybe time to apologise for your clumsiness and move on, eh?'

You could even mix it up a bit if you're feeling mischevious. '...still angry with yourself because...', or 'still feeling deeply ashamed of yourself because...'

I think inability to process shame can be a big part of this habit of behaviour.

ThePluckOfTheCoward · 15/08/2020 15:03

Can you snap his cock?

Planesmistakenforstars · 15/08/2020 15:10

If you think he is deliberately breaking your stuff, or doing anything else out of spite, then off course YNBU.

Some people are really clumsy and accident prone though. I'm one of them. I can't go a week without breaking or spilling something everywhere, and the more careful I am the more likely it is to happen. It frustrates me to tears though, I don't do it on purpose, and I break just as much of my own stuff as I do of DP's.

billy1966 · 15/08/2020 15:13

So your husband is abusive OP and he also breaks your things.

You know exactly who you are married to.

A nasty piece of work.

Protect yourself.

You deserve better.
Flowers

Bargebill19 · 15/08/2020 15:16

Time to start being careless with his stuff.

BaconsLaw · 15/08/2020 15:18

@Drinkingallthewine

He doesn't break his own stuff. Probably because he values it more than mine.

My ex was like this. He was abusive in other ways and it took me a long time to realise that his accidents were anything but. They were about causing me upset, destroying something precious. Like the poster above, I put away anything precious after that. One night he absolutely trashed the house. Dishes smashed, loads of my things broken over some invented shite. When he passed out, I spotted that his prized macbook was 'tossed' onto a sofa cushion on the floor, with another cushion 'tossed' on top of it to conveniently protect it from his destruction of my home. That was the moment I realised it was ALL deliberate. And ALL designed to stealthily abuse me. I brought the laptop outside to the path, wrapped in lots of padding and twatted it off the concrete until I was sure it was truly fucked, then replaced it back (without a scratch on it) exactly as it had been originally 'tossed' in his rage. That was my cue to start planning my exit out of the relationship as well - and I had fuck all to pack thanks to him. I've never destroyed anything before or since belonging to another person but I have no regrets. He fucking deserved it.

Make the broken butter dish your symbol of a decision to leave him and have a home that is safe from breakages, a reminder that you are worth so much more, that you are loved by people who only want the very best for you.

What happened when he found his MacBook?
Beautiful3 · 15/08/2020 15:22

OP how does he punish you? Do you mean he is ignoring you because you're being off with him? Some readers have come to the conclusion that he is abusive?! Does he ever hurt you mentally/physically?

lottiegarbanzo · 15/08/2020 15:26

Sulking is a deliberate, manipulate behaviour designed to punish the other person by making their life difficult and unpleasant, thus harming them emotionally and mentally.

80sMum · 15/08/2020 15:29

YANBU. My DH is also very clumsy and breaks or chips things.

I had a favourite china mug that was a gift from a friend and I had been using it at work for nearly 16 years. When I retired, the mug came home with me.

A few days ago I was looking for it in the cupboard and couldn't find it, so I asked DH if he'd seen it. He then admitted that he'd broken it and thrown it in the bin about a week before! I was a bit miffed that he couldn't be bothered to tell me about it at the time. Perhaps he was hoping I wouldn't notice!