Dh keeps breaking my stuff

[DimidDavilby]

Dh has just broken the butter dish, which was a gift from my stepdad, who had it from his great aunt (sadly departed). He has form for breaking my precious possessions by not treating them with care. He will then say, oh it was an accident, its a clean break but makes no attempt to ever fix.

He shouted through from the kitchen that he had done it and then came through about 5 min later to the front room. I was a bit off with him- didn't have a go, just a bit quiet - and now he's annoyed at me.

AIBU to not be instantly over the breaking of a precious thing?

Yep, window keys kept hidden incase I opened the windows and aggravated his Dyson filter but my sons birth certificate scrunched back in the drawer and folded over when he'd been searching for something else.

Leave, Leave, leave!

I'm clumsy and would hate it if my husband had 'precious' mugs and butter dishes etc. Maybe he doesnt break anything of his because his 'precious' items are more robust than crockery.

Really if you dont want it broke dont use it simple really

Buy something old fashioned from a charity shop and say it’s from an elderly relative. Say how much you like the colour, pattern or anything that you can think of. Place it somewhere it can be seen, but not easily broken, such as a shelf, back of a worktop, etc. See if it gets broke.

Also take note if things are broken within a few days of any disagreement or when you’ve done something you know he doesn’t like. Keep not to see if there’s a pattern and that should help you decide if he’s deliberately targeting your stuff or just being an inconsiderate prick. The fact that it’s only your stuff that gets broke, would make me suspect these things are not accidents.

@LillianBland That's a very good idea! At least, you would not lose something that you are attached to and you may discover it to be a pattern of passive-aggressive behaviour.

If it's that precious to you then don't use it, there's always a risk of it breaking. Unless he purposely broke it, I think you're being a little ott.

For all those that are clumsy or have partners who are clumsy have you read about dispraxia. This is where you are not good at judging distances relative to yourself and don't always quite grip objects or get a good hold before you pick them up. You can also bump into things a lot.
I have a daughter with it and she is also sensitive to noise and likes to do repetitive things like cycle around the house for ages to switch off before going to bed. She is also lovely and at University and living on her own fine.

This is not of course the same as deliberately breaking a loved possession to cause upset to your partner.

[quote Krampusasbabysitter]@LillianBland That's a very good idea! At least, you would not lose something that you are attached to and you may discover it to be a pattern of passive-aggressive behaviour.[/quote]
It's an absolutely insane idea for anyone over the age of 5 in an adult relationship.

@80sMum

YANBU. My DH is also very clumsy and breaks or chips things.

I had a favourite china mug that was a gift from a friend and I had been using it at work for nearly 16 years. When I retired, the mug came home with me.

A few days ago I was looking for it in the cupboard and couldn't find it, so I asked DH if he'd seen it. He then admitted that he'd broken it and thrown it in the bin about a week before! I was a bit miffed that he couldn't be bothered to tell me about it at the time. Perhaps he was hoping I wouldn't notice!

But if he had told you about it it would be a case of "classic abusive behaviour" according to half this thread.

[quote Starsabove1]@Beautiful3 if you’d taken time to read the OPs post rather than immediately leaping to the defence of her ‘poor husband’ you would have seen that it’s about more than a butter dish and mug.
He breaks her things, never his own - so he can be careful when things are of value to him.

He was annoyed at OP for being upset at his carelessness and has form for punishing her for calling him out on it.

But all you took was a poor man being the victim of an unreasonable woman.[/quote]
Ineed with butter dishes and mugs, heck ceramics in general being famous for their difficulty to break, there is absolutely no way someone could ever break a mug without extreme and deliberate effort.

Bastard probably planned it for years even going so far as to install a hard or tiled floor in the kitchen to help make the final destruction easier when he finally hurled it to the ground in a fit of rage...

This reminds me of my late husband, he systematically over more than 20 years either broke or gave away anything my family gave me and reacted like I was being unreasonable about it. However, things from his family, no matter how cheap or bin worthy had to be treated like the Crown Jewels and if anything got scratched he would kick off. Now I can see this was just another one of his controlling behaviours where it gave him satisfaction to put me down and deny me nice things. I think if you think it through OP there are probably other things happening. A nice person feels bad when they accidentally break something a person they care about likes, whereas a bad person makes others feel bad because it gives them power.

@Elsewyre A normal healthy adult relationship does not involve a partner consistently breaking someone's cherished belongings. However, it is a very common trait of abusers who gaslight their victims by framing it as an accident as a very insidious form of control. The lack of genuine contrition by the OP's DH is a red flag. LillianBland offered a good solution to check if those 'accidental' breaks are a coincidence.

PS: Of course, there are reasons why people might accidentally break things, like anyone with dyspraxia. But the whole point is that OP's DH is very careful with and never breaks his own stuff. His 'clumsiness' only manifests itself when it comes to things his wife treasures!

Op, does he do anything else which upsets you? You've mentioned him breaking things precious to you but no other examples. Is he passive aggressive in any other ways?

He sounds abusive but equally he could be clumsy. Are there any other spiteful behaviours?

Wait a few weeks. Use his phone and let it slip from your freshly anti bac gelled hands into the floor as you are multi tasking. Or rest his iPad on the floor by the sofa, trip and accidentally make sure your foot in shoe lands on it (claim yo have hurt your wrist stopping yourself do you don't even notice the damage😈), or drop it in the while watching you tube on it. Put his phone in the washing machine from the bedside table with the bundled sheets. All normal household accidentsql😂. Oh well these things happen. Put your precious things away.and be absent minded for a bit after you have "got over" his damaging period! Then strike!

^ alternatively, you could act completely non pulsed, just say never mind (even though you are really upset) and see what he does. If he is trying to provoke a response he will be perplexed and you will have yo see what happens and if he tries to escalate it. That way you can see if it is a deliberate act and you will know he has to go.

Don’t do anything to his stuff unless you want an escalation of his behavior to prove to yourself that you should leave.
Just make a plan and finish with him.
Not because of the butter dish; because of the constant threat of bad temper from him that’s keeping you cowed in his presence and making you act in a way that isn’t natural to you.

My ex smashed a Christmas present from my adult child, two wall pictures (trampled them), punched a hole in a door, smashed my phone, and lashed out at the dog (I kicked him out at that point). He always turned it into being 'clumsy, unintentional, an accident!'. But amazingly when I did genuinely accidentally drop his phone he cried like a fucking baby, said I'd done it on purpose 😐 and I spent £120 to fix the very minor crack on the back... Accidents happen! But when it's only ever 'your stuff', ask yourself why is that?

Is there any chance he's breaking your stuff deliberately?

I was going to mention Berne's 'Schlemiel' game but a PP beat me to it.

It's a form of gaslighting.

You suspect deep down that the breakages are not accidents. It seems too insignificant to bother keeping an eye peeled. You wonder if you are just being petty or too attached to inanimate objects. But you notice that it's only your things that are being broken all the same.

The insincere 'Sorry' or the defensive 'It was an accident!' make you wonder even more if you are being unreasonable or if he is following a consistent pattern.

I recommend doing what LillianBland suggested.

You even thinking for a second that he will punish you, or does it out of spite, means this is not the loving relationship you deserve. Please take a deep, honest look in to yourself - do you feel cherished and respected?

OP your husband is a spiteful cunt

The relationship is what's most broken here. Get out and you could still save your beautiful possessions.

[quote Krampusasbabysitter]**@Elsewyre* A normal healthy adult relationship does not involve a partner consistently breaking someone's cherished belongings. However, it is a very common trait of abusers who gaslight their victims by framing it as an accident as a very insidious form of control. The lack of genuine contrition by the OP's DH is a red flag. LillianBland* offered a good solution to check if those 'accidental' breaks are a coincidence.[/quote]
This.

So many women coming on this thread, justifying the op’s husband’s actions by completely ignoring his responses. Even trying to belittle people. It makes me wonder what they are actually like as people, when they excuse breaking precious items belonging to someone else and then being awful and hurtful to the person about it.

@EatsShootsAndRuns no, I'm not joking.