Dh keeps breaking my stuff

[DimidDavilby]

Dh has just broken the butter dish, which was a gift from my stepdad, who had it from his great aunt (sadly departed). He has form for breaking my precious possessions by not treating them with care. He will then say, oh it was an accident, its a clean break but makes no attempt to ever fix.

He shouted through from the kitchen that he had done it and then came through about 5 min later to the front room. I was a bit off with him- didn't have a go, just a bit quiet - and now he's annoyed at me.

AIBU to not be instantly over the breaking of a precious thing?

After 22 years of marriage, which I thought was happy, my husband and I divorced due to him having a relationship with some one else, looking back I realised that lots of things which I cared about, had been accidently broken or 'thrown out in error', at the time, I had accepted that these were accidents or mistakes, it am now convinced they were not.

What happened when he found his MacBook?

BaconsLaw, oddly enough it didn't ever work right after that
I just shrugged and said "well, you were pissed last night and smashing up everything" He couldn't dispute it because to do so would be to admit he didn't actually fuck it around the room like he did with my stuff. And I think I actually gaslighted him for a change. I'm sure he realised it was me at some point but at the time I don't think he thought I'd have the balls to do it - and he was probably right as I surprised myself, so probably thought that maybe he did accidentally kick it or something.

Break something of his. Act all apologetic (for a minute and a half) and then just shrug, after all you did say sorry. What more does he want?

I predict his favourite mug and something hobby related, should do it.

@Purpleartichoke

Just to be clear, his reaction is not okay.

I do take issue with your assessment that he is at fault for breaking these things. I am very careful with my things and I break things all the time. I’m just clumsy. I drop things. I clip the edges of counters. It’s not just objects. I bump my own body into things And injure myself pretty frequently. So a person breaking a mug or a butter dish every few years seems like a ridiculously low breakage rate.

So if he's just clumsy, why doesn't he ever break his own stuff?

Of course it's deliberate, and a well known tactic of abusive partners. Plus the fact that he's angry with OP, and she knows he'll punish her for the rest of the day, suggests this happens more than the two instances OP described.

OP, I hope you're planning on leaving him. You deserve to be able to have sentimental items without the worry that he'll break them, then blame you for his anger.

Another breakage. We were given matching Auntie and Uncle mugs by our niece. Guess whose mug broke and guess who by? I fail to understand how a mug placed on a table fell on the floor.

[quote FizzyGreenWater]@CarolVordermansArse you're leaving him soon, right?![/quote]
Sadly, I can't.

So sorry about your butter dish. I agree things need to be used, that is how they stay ‘alive’.
After you have binned the not so ‘D’P ;) have a look at the Japanese art of Kintsugi. Things are fixed in such a way that the break becomes part of it’s history. I’m sure I have read about someone in Oxford that does it, there must be others too. Just save all the bits carefully.
Best wishes to you x

My ex broke dozens of things of mine. A cup and some crystal wine glasses given by one sibling, about 7 items from a tableware set given by another sibling, liqueur glasses given by friends living far away. Any time I protested, he would sulk all day. He also shortened the vacuum cleaner cable while I was away and pretended he hadn’t, and ruined some table mats. There was a general lack of respect from him. It’s why he’s an ex.

My DH is like this - clutsy but its not deliberate as such although he is what I call blase and slack handed with things I have learnt if I want to keep things that are breakable they need to be out of the way and not used

I'm not a good enough actress for this relationship.
Nor should you need to be.

He ONLY breaks your stuff. It may not be deliberate, but he's certainly not careful with your things.

I wouldn't put up with someone being careless with my stuff

That aside, him bring angry with you now is also something that I wouldn't put up with. He really doesn't sound good enough for you! Time to seriously consider him moving back out.

My DP is like this, and when stuff bothers me it annoys him, and I have to pretend it doesn't matter. When he's upset/annoyed about something it's perfectly understandable and he has to be fussed over

@DimidDavilby you deserve better that this. His breaking of things sounds calculated to me, and his reaction afterwards is pretty abusive too. You don't have to stay with him you know

@Thisismytimetoshine I think you need to find Puritanical Mothers Net not Mumsnet. BTW some of us like nice things

@Ghostlyglow

My DP is like this, and when stuff bothers me it annoys him, and I have to pretend it doesn't matter. When he's upset/annoyed about something it's perfectly understandable and he has to be fussed over

Hope you're joking!!!!

If you read 'Games People Play' by Eric Berne, theres a game called ''Schlemeil ''. The player makes a point of breaking things that are precious to you, to provoke a reaction and play the victim.
If you refuse to get angry they carry on breaking your things and loudly announce each one, until you snap.

@Thelnebriati

If you read 'Games People Play' by Eric Berne, theres a game called ''Schlemeil ''. The player makes a point of breaking things that are precious to you, to provoke a reaction and play the victim. If you refuse to get angry they carry on breaking your things and loudly announce each one, until you snap.

Take note of this.

Because of this.

He doesn't break his own stuff. Probably because he values it more than mine.

This is such an interesting thread. My otherwise nice dh is careless of my things and is never sorry when he damages them. Instead I get an angry 'I said sorry' when he has said a cursory sorry at best. If I try and explain why the thing is special so that he will be careful with it in future, I'm 'going on at him'. Yet he will always claim he didn't know. Eg my grandma's favourite mug that I inherited, used to catch descaling liquid from the coffee machine'I thought it was just an old mug'. My lovely alpaca blanket that lives on the sofa - even my 3 year old knows that we don't use it for picnics in the garden because it can't go in the washing machine - he was in the middle of giving me the 'you are so unreasonable how was I supposed t know' treatment when she explained it to him ( he did have the decency to be embarrassed by that). He has, rarely, deliberately kicked my stuff in anger. I'm not going to ltb or anything like that as it's more of a low level annoyance but I am so happy to see that lots of others agree it's not ok. It's not the damage per se, it's a) the lack of care for my stuff and by extension me (anything of his mother's is treated with kid gloves - he can be careful - although admittedly not with his own things in general) and b) the aftermath - being told I am unreasonable instead of getting an apology. If I broke anything special of his, I'd be so apologetic and sad that I'd made him sad - I find it really horrible that he is not.

I think it conveys that you're a necessary inconvenience. He wants some things from you but he doesn't really want to live with you.

anything of his mother's is treated with kid glove

Oh my god yes @StraffeHendrik his mums is really nice and he's always so careful there. Much more careful than he would ever be here!

How fucked are people relationships that the first thought is to deliberately destroy your partners stuff in "revenge!!!" For an accident

My last BF was like this - completely anal about being really careful about his stuff, but really careless with anything of mine.

It's really irritating so I feel your pain !

YANBU. Make him pay for professional repairs, he'll soon start being more careful.

@Elsewyre

How fucked are people relationships that the first thought is to deliberately destroy your partners stuff in "revenge!!!" For an accident

Because this isn't likely to be 'an accident '.

Reading the thread helps.

Alarm claxons going off OP. His temper when you show justified upset rings alarm bells. I had an abusive ex. At first, I didn’t really understand what he was doing, I just felt confused and doubted my own perception a lot of the time. But he ‘accidentally’ broke a lot of things that had sentimental value, especially gifts by loved ones. He ramped up his abuse eventually for me to recognise it but knowing what I know now, I would really try to work out if there is a pattern to his ‘clumsiness’. Incidentally, I met my ex’ new partner who was a lovely woman and I passed on a message to her via mutual friends to let her know if she experienced a lot of confusing things and found her precious stuff accidentally broken, to get in touch. She called me the very next day and it was chilling when we compared notes. It’s very insidious because it makes you sound paranoid and a bit neurotic to assume someone would do this deliberately but just be aware of it.

I also think you should go. @Vodkacranberryplease covered it:

First things first. Put anything valuable if yours away now. Second break something of his in the next few days. Then something else. A fight will start no doubt and you will know it's time to go (or for him to go)