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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dh keeps breaking my stuff

219 replies

DimidDavilby · 15/08/2020 12:50

Dh has just broken the butter dish, which was a gift from my stepdad, who had it from his great aunt (sadly departed). He has form for breaking my precious possessions by not treating them with care. He will then say, oh it was an accident, its a clean break but makes no attempt to ever fix.

He shouted through from the kitchen that he had done it and then came through about 5 min later to the front room. I was a bit off with him- didn't have a go, just a bit quiet - and now he's annoyed at me.

AIBU to not be instantly over the breaking of a precious thing?

OP posts:
ILiveInSalemsLot · 15/08/2020 14:02

I was out once and came home. Dh looked so upset and said ‘I’m so sorry but I’ve got some bad news. Your mug smashed. I dropped it by accident’ This was a really special mug to me and I can’t replace it. But he looked so upset that I just shrugged and said ‘these things happened. It’s only a mug’ (I was actually relieved as I thought he was going to tell me something really awful)
If, however, I thought he was deliberately smashing my stuff, I would seriously smash stuff of his and not care.

lottiegarbanzo · 15/08/2020 14:03

Go out and have fun today if you can. Don't let his arseholery ruin your day.

Then apply the same thinking to the rest of you life.

browneyesblue · 15/08/2020 14:04

Obviously you are not being unreasonable, and I think other posters are right about your DH. Have you seen kintsugi? It's a Japanese method of repairing pottery using gold to make the cracks beautiful.

You can buy home kits on Amazon

Porridgeoat · 15/08/2020 14:06

Break something of his in a weeks time when this has blown over.

JoysOfString · 15/08/2020 14:06

My ex was like this. It was a combination of clumsy and careless, resenting being expected to do any housework, and deliberate (but maybe unconsciously so) PA twattery. The reason I think this is because it got worse towards the end of the relationship and the more I called him out when he was lazy, lied or gaslighted me which he did a lot. It was a way (one of many) of expressing his anger while being able to claim it was an accident.

One time I remember well he stacked a delicate cup, that was a present to me from DS, on top of another cup on the shelf in a way that no-one ever does, he never did, and that was clearly unstable. I said I think you did this on purpose, that is not on. And of course he denied it and was furious with me - but it was so weirdly, obviously put there to make it likely to fall and break – it was not something anyone, not even him, would normally do.

But he had such difficulty being honest with himself, let alone me, that it was just part of a huge morass of delusion and gaslighting and PA nastiness and I could never work out how much of it he was conscious of. It wasn't worth trying to get to the bottom of in the end, as he just wouldn't go there. I just had to get out.

I'm not saying your DH is exactly like him OP, but that this kind of PA crap can be well-buried and not simply a matter of deliberate cruelty. It can be suppressed and self-denied anger or resentment that ends up being channelled in all kinds of PA ways.

SirGawain · 15/08/2020 14:06

@Glamazoni

I think it’s time you started breaking his precious stuff.
Don't be so childish. Are you five years old.
BertiesLanding · 15/08/2020 14:08

This is the height of passive aggressive behaviour - and very difficult to confront because it is so easily deniable. But there are method and intention behind it and they are aimed at you, by proxy.

HomeTheatreSystem · 15/08/2020 14:10

He has form for breaking my precious possessions by not treating them with care.

He doesn't break his own stuff. Probably because he values it more than mine.

I think it's the being annoyed at me for being upset part that's pissing me off the most.

He'll punish me all day now.

OP the hills are that way >>>>>>>>>>>

ScabbyHorse · 15/08/2020 14:10

I had one like this and I could never work out if it was deliberate or not, drove me mad! He was a prick though, so got rid.

JoysOfString · 15/08/2020 14:11

(But btw I'm definitely NOT saying that therefore it's OK or he can't help it! Just that there can be a large, murky grey area between "accident" and "consciously, deliberately breaking your stuff" and you need to look to the dynamics of the relationship and what he's like in other ways, to try to make sense of it. But if you are dealing with what I was, I can definitely recommend LTB!

ForeverRedSkinhead · 15/08/2020 14:12

I'm going to agree with pps , op. Someone breaking your things and getting cross or telling you that you're over reacting is often an abusers tactic. My exh was always breaking/losing/giving away my things, it took me years to realise that this was the tip of iceberg when it came to his disrespect of me. He always looked after his things btw.

Campervan69 · 15/08/2020 14:13

My husband is the same. He's really rough and quick with everything. I always say when he's unloading the dishwasher the plates are screaming in terror. He slams everything around and is always breaking stuff. Always smashing his own phones as well so its just that he's so careless rather than deliberately destroying stuff. Then he complains that nothing is made well any more!

ddl1 · 15/08/2020 14:15

If he is generally physically awkward, and breaks or damages his own stuff as a result, then YABU to some extent. Depending on whether he just fiddles with everybody's stuff (he shouldn't if he knows he's clumsy) or accidentally breaks things while trying to clean or tidy.

If he is careful with his own things, but a bull-in-the-china-shop with everyone else's , then YANBU at all.

Original poster
DimidDavilby · 15/08/2020 14:16

Thanks for that @joysofstring that all rings very true.

OP posts:
lottiegarbanzo · 15/08/2020 14:17

Yeah, don't bother trying to psychoanalyse him. Just think of your needs and what it takes for you to have a happy life.

Just to offer one example - I'm sure there are multilple potential causes for this shit. It may be he has some sort of mummy issues and has cast you as his new mum, to obey but rebel against, in a weak, PA way. An example I've encountered of this sort of behaviour was like that. He had a nice but very dominant mother and had never really gone through the teenage rebellion necessary to establish himself as a separate entity. So remained in thrall to mummy and, rather than assert his own opinion or preferences like a grown-up, with an expectation of being heard and treated like one, would 'accept' being 'told to do' things he disliked then express resentment through sulking and undermining. Of course his partner was cast as 'new mum' and treated the same way.

Everydayimhuffling · 15/08/2020 14:19

I'm really clumsy, so have broken things of DP's a few times (as well as my own things), but I am always apologetic and replace things if I can. The fact that he is annoyed that you are upset about it is the problem to me.

justasking111 · 15/08/2020 14:20

Oh so his own stuff not broken. That is deliberate. OH has dyslexia and associated clumsiness, I have learnt not to sweat over stuff because he feels worse about it than I do. He cannot fill the dishwasher carefully because does not recognise exactly how it needs to be filled to avoid breakages. Strangely he is an engineer and precision stuff he has no problems with, but butter dishes etc. he has reglued many times.

Thisismytimetoshine · 15/08/2020 14:21

Can't believe someone suggested breaking his gold clubs in retaliation Confused .
It's quite disturbing that some people have this sort of mindset, tbh.
A butter dish is a household object; if your one is precious to you it should be in a glass case or displayed on the mantelpiece, not in use in a family kitchen.

Zilla1 · 15/08/2020 14:21

Sentimental items aren't replaceable so:

  1. an uncomfortable conversation asking why he only breaks your items and putting him on the spot again and again;
  2. telling him he can't touch certain identified items;
  3. you buy something painfully expensive using shared money or his money if not shared for each sentimental item broken so for the butter dish he broke, he pays for something so disproportionately expensive that hurts him even if money is shared;
  4. you start using his precious/hobby/sentimental items like cars, cameras, phones and so on carelessly; and
  5. asking if he wants one hard kick in the groin or two medium kicks in the groin for the item he just broke to ram the message home.

Ignore him getting angry with you as this is just passive aggressive foolery trying to make you feel bad for his disregard for your property.

Good luck.

ConflictedDilema · 15/08/2020 14:22

No relationship should ever have spite as an element. That's appalling.

LynnThese4reSEXPEOPLE · 15/08/2020 14:23

If you are considering leaving, can I suggest taking all your precious breakables and giving them to a friend for safekeeping?

This sounds awful. You shouldn't have to act in a relationship.

A few years ago I broke a special mug from an art gallery belonging to DH. I called the gallery and had a new one sent, but had that not been an option, I would have 'fessed up and felt terrible. That's what normal kind people usually do when they break someone else's precious things.

FizzyGreenWater · 15/08/2020 14:23

Get rid, OP.

Original poster
DimidDavilby · 15/08/2020 14:24

@lottiegarbanzo if I stayed mad he would also stay angry and the horrible unpleasant atmosphere would stay too. He would never ever give in an apologise first. He will only ever apologise very very occasionally if he's been an absolute twat out of nowhere and I haven't said anything about it but just quietly left him to it. The second I respond or show upset, even if it's not angrily, then he sees himself as right. You're right he cannot be criticised.

I've decided I will fix it myself. He won't do it I know, and if I pushed it he'll just hide it away to "do later". That's what happened to my mug.

OP posts:
SchadenfreudePersonified · 15/08/2020 14:27

@DimidDavilby

It was out being used. I don't break my things when I use them though? Because I take care when handling precious items.

He doesn't break his own stuff. Probably because he values it more than mine.

I think it's the being annoyed at me for being upset part that's pissing me off the most. I would have got over it but I don't see why I should pretend that it's fine when it's not. He'll punish me all day now. I'm not a good enough actress for this relationship.

And so it should be being used!

That way it brings joy every day when you see and touch it. Obviously you are careful if it has sentimental or monetary value, but it is there to be enjoyed, not stuck on a shelf somewhere you hardly ever notice it.

I'd do what others' have suggested Dimid

"Accidentally' break something of his - and do the same every time he breaks something of yours.

I would start with his balls . . .

JoysOfString · 15/08/2020 14:27

The resentment at the mother thing makes a lot of sende to me too.

My ex always had to be the victim so he could be all outraged and self-pitying. So he'd do things to make me angry, but where he could make out it wasn't deliberate, or that it hadn't happened (e.g. gaslighting me that we hadn't agreed on a plan when we had). Then I would get angry, both because of the behaviour, and the denials/avoiding responsibility. Then he could wheel out the "poor me" act because I was so mean.

It took me a long time to work out that a LOT of what he did somehow magically led up to me being annoyed and him grabbing the victim role. Then me feeling like a bitch and ending up apologising.

Life without all that shit is so nice.

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