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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Dh keeps breaking my stuff

219 replies

DimidDavilby · 15/08/2020 12:50

Dh has just broken the butter dish, which was a gift from my stepdad, who had it from his great aunt (sadly departed). He has form for breaking my precious possessions by not treating them with care. He will then say, oh it was an accident, its a clean break but makes no attempt to ever fix.

He shouted through from the kitchen that he had done it and then came through about 5 min later to the front room. I was a bit off with him- didn't have a go, just a bit quiet - and now he's annoyed at me.

AIBU to not be instantly over the breaking of a precious thing?

OP posts:
BlingLoving · 15/08/2020 13:45

Breaking the odd thing is an accident. Regularly breaking things is not.

Also, how does he respond? DH broke something precious of mine once. He was horrified, apologised profusely. Asked me 100 times what he could do to make it better. Completely got it when I was a bit quiet and sad for a bit. I told him I wasn't cross with him and I accepted his apology but I was upset and he respected that.

Doesn't sound like any of that is happening here.

lottiegarbanzo · 15/08/2020 13:47

The anger with you for being upset sounds familiar - and it a BIG red flag, Completely not ok.

The rationale for it, is that he is someone who cannot cope with criticism, even entirely justified, calm or constructive criticism. Your upset is preceived as criticism. He CANNOT be criticised, it makes him feel horrible and angry. So he will direct that anger into punishing you for making him feel bad. Is he vindictive in other ways?

He will believe he has the right to punish other people for making him feel bad. Possibly even for being present when he experiences his own, internally generated, frustrations.

He will never apologise or offer recompense, because he CANNOT admit to being wrong.

Unfortunately, I don't think people like this are truly capable of love, for another adult anyway, they might love their own child, because they are too self-centred and lack the empathy necessary to perceive other people as important in and for themselves, rather than only as satellites who service their interests.

Put your precious things away. Decide whether you want to live a poorer, blander life, without ever having nice things that matter to you out and useable in your home.

Break something of his if you feel like doing that experiment. (He will hate you for it and fail to make the connection with your actions, emotionally, so it won't 'work' as an educational act). He will remember it as you being exceptionally nasty, because you did it deliberately and it will undermine your case, as he will always have your malice to refer back to, to kill your argument.

Look after yourself. I suspect that, ultimately, he will not.

Dennysheart · 15/08/2020 13:48

Does he ever accidentally break anything of his?

Is there any back story to your relationship?

HopeClearwater · 15/08/2020 13:48

I'm not a good enough actress for this relationship

Life is short. Break the relationship, never mind the butter dish. Then you won’t have to wonder any more whether it’s spite or carelessness.

ithinkiveseenthisfilmbefore · 15/08/2020 13:49

Your relationship doesn't sound great, OP. Are you ok?

CatbearAmo · 15/08/2020 13:51

@dimidavilby i wouldn't want to live in a home where the things i need to use every day are breakable and important to another person. That just would put me under a lot of unnecessary pressure in life. I would be resentful that instead of simply being able to butter my toast, im presented with a whole history of how this object is important and supposed to act differently around it. Its an object i need to use, and it should be practical for me to use it without fear of breaking it and my spouse being upset with me. What's the point?
If my dh has valuable objects he puts them out of the way and I will never touch them and so we don't have that problem.
Life is for living, not for staring at objects.

Devlesko · 15/08/2020 13:52

Make sure you break something precious to him. Whoops, just slipped.
Or put stuff away and don't use it.
I have a few pieces like this and they come out at xmas/ special occasions only.

speakout · 15/08/2020 13:52

My OH is clumsy too- as am I in fact!
I don't use special things as I know they would get broken. Anything fragile of sentimental value is packed away carefully in boxes.
White Ikea all the way, so when ( not if) stuff gets broken replacements are easy to find.

lottiegarbanzo · 15/08/2020 13:53

Sorry, I meant that if you break something of his, 'he won't make the connection with your experience, emotionally, so it won't work as a learning point.' His emotions are real. Youres either aren't, or don't matter to him.

Feralkidsatthecampsite · 15/08/2020 13:53

A taste of his own medicine..
Ime x boxes don't work if you spill lemonade on them...
Dc accidently ruined exh's and he went batshit..

Serin · 15/08/2020 13:54

There is no way you should start breaking his things for revenge. How petty is that.
If you really suspect he is doing this deliberately then you have more to worry about than a broken butter dish.
If you are afraid of him and his "punishment" (wtf) then just leave, get the hell out of there OP. You are worth so much more than this.

PrincessBuggerPants · 15/08/2020 13:55

I think YABU. Accidents happen and you are being quite controlling. Being clumsy isn't really something a person can help and being patronising about it isn't going to fix him.

Unless he only breaks your things, or tends to only break things he knows to be precious to you. But you haven't specified.

user1471538283 · 15/08/2020 13:55

I would go mental and stay angry. Things are meant to be used but it's not hard to be careful with stuff. Accidents happen but he sounds like he's got form. I would break something he is fond of and see how he likes it. See how he gets over it. Then punish him for his real and valid feelings

IDidntChoseThePondLife · 15/08/2020 13:56

I'm sorry to have to say this OP, but either this man doesn't understand 'sentimental value' or he doesn't care about your feelings at all. He wasn't even contrite.

madcatladyforever · 15/08/2020 13:57

My ex husband was very clumsy and would do this all the time. In the end I decided my things were more important to me than him. Which is quite sad really but I'm glad he's gone.
He used to treat his own things with similar contempt.
After he left I found an entire box of really expensive specialised tools he'd left out in the rain for a whole winter all ruined and completely rusted, they must have cost over £500 but he's just go and buy new ones rather than be bothered to clean and dry them and put them carefully away in their box.
This kind of couldn't care less attitude about your things can chip away at a marriage until nothing is left. You should tell him that.

LannieDuck · 15/08/2020 13:58

He'll punish me all day now.

Does he normally punish you (I assume by being angry?) when you don't react to things the way he wants? Sounds like there may be a bit more going on than a clumsy partner.

...and insist he mends the butter dish. Today.

EmbarrassingAdmissions · 15/08/2020 13:59

He doesn't break his own stuff. Probably because he values it more than mine.

Let's just say that this saying of mine has become a cliché for a reason:

Just because something has no value to you doesn't mean it has no value.

Fefifofaff · 15/08/2020 13:59

As is so often the case on MN, it's not really about the butter dish. It rarely is. Because if it was, there would be no need to start a thread about it.

This is not a good, supportive dynamic OP. Consider ending things.

1WildTeaParty · 15/08/2020 14:00

Why would someone you love break something precious out of spite?
That would be really mean.

Breakages do happen here - and I've lost things I value - but they happened due to accidents rather than lack of care. They are never broken out of spite.

This seems to be a post about something more than a broken butter-dish.

Drinkingallthewine · 15/08/2020 14:00

He doesn't break his own stuff. Probably because he values it more than mine.

My ex was like this. He was abusive in other ways and it took me a long time to realise that his accidents were anything but. They were about causing me upset, destroying something precious. Like the poster above, I put away anything precious after that. One night he absolutely trashed the house. Dishes smashed, loads of my things broken over some invented shite. When he passed out, I spotted that his prized macbook was 'tossed' onto a sofa cushion on the floor, with another cushion 'tossed' on top of it to conveniently protect it from his destruction of my home. That was the moment I realised it was ALL deliberate. And ALL designed to stealthily abuse me. I brought the laptop outside to the path, wrapped in lots of padding and twatted it off the concrete until I was sure it was truly fucked, then replaced it back (without a scratch on it) exactly as it had been originally 'tossed' in his rage. That was my cue to start planning my exit out of the relationship as well - and I had fuck all to pack thanks to him. I've never destroyed anything before or since belonging to another person but I have no regrets. He fucking deserved it.

Make the broken butter dish your symbol of a decision to leave him and have a home that is safe from breakages, a reminder that you are worth so much more, that you are loved by people who only want the very best for you.

lottiegarbanzo · 15/08/2020 14:01

What happens if you express your emotions honestly and hold your ground? If you stay upset and angry until he apologises sincerely AND offers suitable recompense?

Have you ever held him to account for his actions? Asserted your feelings as being as important as his?

If not, why not? Can't be bothered with the never-ending unpleasant atmosphere? Worse? What?

PrincessBuggerPants · 15/08/2020 14:01

If you honestly think he is deliberately breaking your things, leave the bastard.

If you would contemplate breaking his things to give him a 'taste of his own medicine', then leave him because he deserves better.

espressoontap · 15/08/2020 14:02

@DimidDavilby why will he punish you? Is everything ok? Why do you need to be an actress?

This is throwing up so many red flags Sad

Beautiful3 · 15/08/2020 14:02

He broke a butter dish and a 10 year old mug?! I accidentally break plates/glasses/mugs. In fact I dont have any mugs/glasses more than 2 years old! It's not malicious, just an accident. If it's too precious then dont use it, or announced e that only you can wash it. Why on earth are some posters offering examples of revenge?!!! Your poor husband!

Dohorseseatapples · 15/08/2020 14:02

YANBU to be annoyed.

He doesn't break his own stuff. Probably because he values it more than mine.

THIS is the problem.
I would tell him this and say that he needs to replace things he breaks. If he laughs it off, I would be tempted to break something of his.
Deliberately.

My DH is always breaking or ruining my stuff,. I can’t have anything nice.

I thought he was being careless and thoughtless when I first met him. I soon realised that unfortunately, he breaks his own stuff the minute he gets it too. It’s strange and he gets really annoyed with himself. It’s awful :(
I am inwardly mad when it happens but he’s good at replacing things and is mortified every time it happens.

Not so with your DH.

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