DH has checked out of family life due to his mental health

[99WithTwoFlakes]

Name changed for this. I don’t know what to do anymore. I basically feel like I’m a single parent.

DH suffers with depression, panic disorder and generalised anxiety disorder, he’s been diagnosed within the last year but I think I have known for a while that there were some mental health issues. He’s never been massively hands on as a dad, and in the past has blamed it on his demanding job, which saw him out of the house for most of the day. But he would do things with the kids when he could, like take them to their hobbies, to the cinema, do some school and nursery runs, and during lockdown he did his fair share of home-schooling etc.

But in the past couple of months it’s got to the point where he cannot even be in the same room as them. (They are aged 1, 3, 6 and 8). He says the kids’ noise exacerbates his mental health conditions. I try to keep them as quiet as possible as I understand the noise is a particular trigger for him and as you can imagine at those ages the kids have their moments, though I would also say the older three do keep relatively quiet for long periods if told to. We also have a large enough house that he can escape to other parts of the house when it all gets too much for him. But what I’ve found is he will do that in the morning and then we won’t see him for the rest of the day. He usually comes back to spend time with me after they’re all asleep.

In the past week he’s also said he won’t be able to do the things he used to do anymore (examples above). He’s said that given his deteriorating mental health I’m expecting too much from him. For what it’s worth I rarely ask him to do anything anymore, everything he does is because he feels like it. And I do everything else including all the housework and trying to work a full time job (from home due to Covid). He won’t do any of the housework but will cook the occasional meal. I still can’t get my head around why he won’t do any housework as that has nothing to do with listening to the kids’ noise....let’s just say that when I bring things up I’m accused of being insensitive or uncaring and on a really bad day I’m blamed for giving him a panic attack.

I feel utterly miserable. Part of me feels like this isn’t the life I signed up for, and then I feel like a complete bitch for feeling that way, because it’s his mental health and although he’s getting regular treatment for it, it’s not working yet and he doesn’t seem to be able to cope with any aspect of family life. We never go anywhere as a family, we never play games with the kids together, he doesn’t even help with bedtimes and hasn’t read any of them a bedtime story in ages. He’s either sitting upstairs in the bedroom feeling depressed or anxious, or he’s just too tired from work. Are these just excuses? How will I ever know if he’s perfectly capable but very ill, or whether he’s just plain lazy?

On top of looking after four children I have to be constantly mindful of his conditions and do everything I can not to trigger a panic attack. Having a conversation with him about something I’m feeling upset about is impossible, there is almost no emotional support back, it’s all one way. It is exhausting and I’m forever walking on eggshells. Lord only knows how the kids feel - probably the same way.

Here’s the AIBU part.... I know this is a ridiculous question but at what point would you cut your losses and go your separate ways? AIBU for considering leaving someone who is clearly very ill? I am already basically a single mum and if I’m honest I feel so much relief when he’s not around. Obviously I love him and miss him at times but it’s one less person to look after and the kids are happier too. But I’m conscious I feel this way because of his deteriorating mental health. So I would feel like I’ve left him just because of a disability ...does that make me pure evil? I sometimes wonder how I’d feel if I had post-natal depression and he left me. But then I realise I’d still be expected to parent and look after my baby if I had PND....and he literally is saying he can’t do ANYTHING now, it’s like he’s got a get out of parenting free card which he now uses daily.

YABU - he’s ill and you need to be there for him even if he can’t contribute to family life anymore.
YANBU - you can’t be expected to do everything / he’s using his mental health as an excuse.

Any thoughts or comments would really help me right now...even if it’s to tell me I’m being an insensitive and uncaring bitch!! Thank you

I think you have to consider your own health (mental and physical) and the well-being of your children. Children need to be allowed to play and be noisy, they shouldn’t be walking on egg-shells. They deserve a mum who is not exhausted by working full time, doing all the cooking and cleaning and all the child rearing.

He may well be unwell- but I do wonder if some of the behaviour is actually pure manipulation- e.g. blaming you for triggering a panic attack when you ask for help or to discuss something with him. Sounds like he uses this to dodge any conversations he does not like or if he is asked to help at all. If he is so sick that he can’t do anything at all, ever, then I question how he is well enough to work Full time in a demanding job with long hours (I think you said he was still working)?

Even if he were very ill, I still think everyone has their limits and a relationship which is totally one sided in the longer-term may not last.

What's the point of having him around?

Just ask yourself - if the shoe was on the other foot, would he be doing everything that you are? Would you even expect him to?

Honestly, my father was this man and my mother enabled the behaviour - we live permanently on egg shells. I had no relationship with him (he's dead now) and I struggle to maintain one with my mother. You do not want this for your children, trust me.

Ah OP I’m sorry. I think you need space, for him to move out for a while and your own counselling. What you’re living with is emotional abuse regardless of what is causing it. Your DH doesn’t sound serious about getting well. Why wouldn’t he try a different medication if the first one made him aggressive. His behaviour sounds very manipulative. Perhaps him moving out will guv him the space to try a new medication and more intensive therapy. Is he seeing a properly qualified, good therapist? You can’t go on like this indefinitely and as others have said it’s not a good environment for your DC.

People using MH as an excuse fur abusive behaviour is a real issue, as if MH is a green light to be as terrible as you like to everyone around you, regardless of how traumatising it is to them. You deserve to live free from abuse and manipulation. You didn’t make him ill and you are not required to suffer this.

Whilst I'm sympathetic to anyone with anxiety and depression, I think the the main red flags here are you not being able to discuss things openly with him, you and the dc walking around on eggshells, and him not being terribly hands on with parenting before he became ill. That doesn't sound right at all somehow. And its controlling for sure.

Would the dc be safe with him for the day if you suddenly walked out of the house tomorrow morning saying you had reached your limit and that you needed some space?

When you return in the evening you could suggest writing a list allocating him x3 non-negotiable tasks a day that would help you the most; ie emptying the dw, doing one school or extra-curricular run, and reading one bedtime story per day at the very least (and maybe cooking one main meal on Sat or Sun too). Its not much but at least it would be a start. After a couple of months of him doing that successfully, I would write out another list detailing all the domestic and childcare related things you do - every single thing - and then share out the tasks more evenly between you. If he protests, you can explain that he will no longer have the space and time to exercise and attend therapy if you become ill , overwhelmed and depressed too.

He will certainly have days where he feels better and more capable of doing stuff...and a good parent would jump at the opportunity to use their little boost to put some effort in! It doesn't sound like he's bothered at all. He is absolutely wallowing and manipulating you.

If he can't deal with family life and makes such a big song and dance about how he can't deal with kids making noise and general things that happen in a home with kids then the best thing for him to do is move out.

Bless you, you’re too hard on yourself. I don’t want to add any pressure but I think the kids are your first priority, quite rightly, and they deserve not to live in this uncomfortable situation. I grew up with a father who had a vile and unreasonable temper (no MH issues, just spoilt) and my lovely Mum was always having to sssshhh us. This could last for weeks on end and it was horrible, never speaking or laughing near him. Or anything that made a sound! You’ll all be happier if he can “stay” elsewhere, including him.
I hope it all works out well for you soon.

Sorry I missed the bit where you said he can't handle the dc by himself? Really? He is capable at work, so what would happen if you just left him to it for a day?

Tbf - I think you should point out that if you break up and he wants access to the kids, he will be doing that without you. Noise and all. He will have to learn to cope. Might as well start now.

What a lovely thing to say, sums it up for me.
So many here are just “ not getting it”

(haven't read full thread so sorry if I've missed something)

Firstly YANBU for wanting things to change or wanting to leave. And you never have to take responsibility for someone else's mental health, no matter who they are.

But from my own experience, depression and anxiety, at least at the level I've experienced them, very much can literally stop a person from doing very basic things. It's not laziness or an excuse. The spoon theory is a good thing to read up on, he may prioritise the use of his 'spoons' on washing, dressing, driving, working, for example. And sometimes, if he's lucky, he might be able to do one or two more things. That's all. Of course everyone has different levels, but if things really are bad, you have to understand that he physically can't do more. Even if he lived alone he wouldn't be able to do basic housework, let alone anything else. Of course this is just my experience, but I know a lot of people suffer in the same way.

Noise is also a massive trigger for me. Yesterday I ended up in tears and so overwhelmed by noise from kids in the upstairs flat that I ended up in bed with earplugs in for an hour, and when I came back out I was very "foggy" for another several hours. My DP had to do everything for me that I'd planned on doing that day in the house.

I'd say the choice is yours really. Weigh it up. Can you carry on for a few months to see if he begins to improve with therapy, etc.? Or is this the end of the line? Remember you're not selfish for doing what's best for you, but also that he isn't selfish for doing only what he is able.

Op you've had some great advice here, I don't 'think' you should ask him to leave, you need to, for your and DC mental health- after all, from what you have written just your and their existence is so harmful and distressing to him...

@Nsky I think posters are getting it. But why is ok for ops husband to ensure his needs are met at literally the physical and mental expense of his wife and probably his children. Yes he is Very I’ll, yes he needs support. But should op keep going until she is run into the ground and her children are miserable? Just because someone has any kind of illness, it does not mean those around them have to offer unconditional support until they are on their knees.

I can’t stand this expectation that because a partner or loved one is experiencing a mental illness that those around them are awful people if hey ever take a break from the support they provide. Op can’t help anyone if he’s dragging her under with him and ultimately she’s a parent first and a partner second.

OP, I had the same experience for years, I was working full time and more, plus doing all household chores and taking care of the children exclusively including all night waking. He complained he was stressed at work and tired and spent most weekends in another room. I had the higher earning more stressful job. He didn’t care that I was so run down I ended up in hospital, when i came home it was to a messy house and he continued to do nothing. Like a PP he had been cheating and spending time alone in the house facilitated an additional porn habit. Any claims of mental health were him giving himself permission to treat us badly. That was a choice he made. It suited him to keep me so busy I wouldn’t notice. Be smarter than me and get him to move out. Once he does you will feel so much relief and calmness and it will be because you will no longer be getting manipulated. They do it so deceitfully and it”s a game to them. Emotional abuse is so hard to recognise when you’ve been conditioned to accept it and over the years every little new thing you have had to do or tolerate has become your new normal. Being made to feel guilty for someone else’s behaviour is so draining, other comments you may have had are “you don’t care about my problems, why don’t you want to help me, it’s not my fault I’m this way”. Please put your children and yourself first OP.

@Nsky

What a lovely thing to say, sums it up for me. So many here are just “ not getting it”

Don't assume that you know anything about peoples circumstances or what we get or don't get based on our responses.

There's many people on here who have lived with poor mental health, or had partners with poor mental health, or parents or so on. There's many single mothers on here who had to look after their kids full time while going through the worst period of mental health in their lives or after suffering breakdowns, even during the breakdowns. Single parents (mothers mainly) generally have no choice but to learn how to cope.

Hi
I had 4 primary aged kids when. My (ex) dh had a massive mental health breakdown, I was left to do every thing ,including running our business.

I did this for 2 years , he completely clocked out of family life, was vile to me but charming to others, ",unable" to help at home but able to go for hour long walks/ out for coffees/ hobbies

The kids were never quiet enough, the house was never tidy enough etc it all "affected" him

In the end it came to a choice .

I could care for him in the way he ",needed" for his life to be "ok"

Or
I could care for our children/ run the house/,make a living

I tried to do it all for 2 years and it nearly, literaly, killed me.

I chose my children.

I watched how he was with others vs how he was with me /our home/,our kids and I could see he was making choices??? Iykwim. And the choices were always in his favour / detrimental to me and the kids.

Though if you spoke to him I'm sure he would tell a very , very different story.

I have to add, please DO NOT suggest or attempt exposure therapy unless a doctor is monitoring it or the person themselves feels it will help. I was exposed to triggering levels of noise every day for 6 months and guess what? It didn't cure me, it nearly fucking killed me.

I was too afraid to leave my room and hence nearly starved. I was malnourished, dehydrated, and a fucking mess. I ended up so much more ill than if I'd been able to get away from those triggers.

Also to posters saying that mental health issues aren't an excuse to opt out of responsibilities 🙄🙄 no one is 'opting out', when they physically CAN'T. When given no other options, those responsibilities will STILL go unattended. When I was that ill, I couldn't eat, wash, clean my space, let alone anything else. Maybe educate yourselves on mental health problems and have some compassion, and understanding that everyone experiences things differently.

I am the one with severe mental health problems in our relationship and on some days I do check out of family life and stay hidden under a duvet. These days are rare, but the can and do happen.

My partner has stuck with me, but I think alot of it is because he can see me getting help, trying a shit ton of ADs, therapy and our most important thing, is we talk, I know the signs of me going downhill and I talk to him about it, see what we can do. It is probably what has made sure our relationship has survived, without talking it probably wouldn't have done

OP, I get the fact that you and the dc feel happier when he's out, but I cant help thinking that separation could be a bit of a nice holiday for him and a way of avoiding his parental responsibilities even further. No therapist , as far as I know, ultimately recommends avoidance as a form of treatment for anxiety , especially when the avoidance centres around the dc. Even if a temporary respite could be helpful, it needs to have clear boundaries and limits set around it.

'Mental health issues' used to be a way of talking about recognised medical conditions. Now it is also an excuse for all sorts of shitty behaviour.

Also to posters saying that mental health issues aren't an excuse to opt out of responsibilities 🙄🙄 no one is 'opting out', when they physically CAN'T. When given no other options, those responsibilities will STILL go unattended. When I was that ill, I couldn't eat, wash, clean my space, let alone anything else. Maybe educate yourselves on mental health problems and have some compassion, and understanding that everyone experiences things differently

When I was that ill I had no choice to look after my kids because no one else was going to.
There are so many single parents out there living with those kind of mental health issues. It is only the tiniest amount of them who would ever receive help with their kids.
For the rest of them there is no support.....and they get on with it...because they force themselves to...and more often than not they get through it and there's brighter days.

There are parents out there every single day who force themselves to do these things even when they feel just as bad as the OP's husband. They do it for their kids.

@0wleyes as soon as I hear 'educate yourself' all I hear is 'i'm the only one that matters, you need to do what I want/think what I think'.

There are plenty of women, btw, who have mental health issues but strive to put their kids first. He's being a twat.

@PickAChew

There are plenty of women, btw, who have mental health issues but strive to put their kids first. He's being a twat.

Basically this!

This is all so very eye-opening. Thank you again to everyone who has responded. I’m sorry to hear so many of you have gone through similar issues whether it’s to do with the deterioration of a loved one’s mental health or your own.

@Owleyes16 @Nsky I hear everything you’re saying and I think this is why I have been so cautious. I don’t want to make things worse of course. But I guess what I’m wondering is how much of this is truly down to mental health problems and how much of it could be him “milking it”.... now that he’s got his diagnosis. For example, perhaps he’s not actually burnt out and CANNOT help (there are several days or weeks when he doesn’t work or has very little on his plate - his own words) and maybe he is CHOOSING not to do his share... how do I know if it is laziness or whether as you say, he’s used all his spoons? I suppose it boils down to trust doesn’t it...