DH has checked out of family life due to his mental health

[99WithTwoFlakes]

Name changed for this. I don’t know what to do anymore. I basically feel like I’m a single parent.

DH suffers with depression, panic disorder and generalised anxiety disorder, he’s been diagnosed within the last year but I think I have known for a while that there were some mental health issues. He’s never been massively hands on as a dad, and in the past has blamed it on his demanding job, which saw him out of the house for most of the day. But he would do things with the kids when he could, like take them to their hobbies, to the cinema, do some school and nursery runs, and during lockdown he did his fair share of home-schooling etc.

But in the past couple of months it’s got to the point where he cannot even be in the same room as them. (They are aged 1, 3, 6 and 8). He says the kids’ noise exacerbates his mental health conditions. I try to keep them as quiet as possible as I understand the noise is a particular trigger for him and as you can imagine at those ages the kids have their moments, though I would also say the older three do keep relatively quiet for long periods if told to. We also have a large enough house that he can escape to other parts of the house when it all gets too much for him. But what I’ve found is he will do that in the morning and then we won’t see him for the rest of the day. He usually comes back to spend time with me after they’re all asleep.

In the past week he’s also said he won’t be able to do the things he used to do anymore (examples above). He’s said that given his deteriorating mental health I’m expecting too much from him. For what it’s worth I rarely ask him to do anything anymore, everything he does is because he feels like it. And I do everything else including all the housework and trying to work a full time job (from home due to Covid). He won’t do any of the housework but will cook the occasional meal. I still can’t get my head around why he won’t do any housework as that has nothing to do with listening to the kids’ noise....let’s just say that when I bring things up I’m accused of being insensitive or uncaring and on a really bad day I’m blamed for giving him a panic attack.

I feel utterly miserable. Part of me feels like this isn’t the life I signed up for, and then I feel like a complete bitch for feeling that way, because it’s his mental health and although he’s getting regular treatment for it, it’s not working yet and he doesn’t seem to be able to cope with any aspect of family life. We never go anywhere as a family, we never play games with the kids together, he doesn’t even help with bedtimes and hasn’t read any of them a bedtime story in ages. He’s either sitting upstairs in the bedroom feeling depressed or anxious, or he’s just too tired from work. Are these just excuses? How will I ever know if he’s perfectly capable but very ill, or whether he’s just plain lazy?

On top of looking after four children I have to be constantly mindful of his conditions and do everything I can not to trigger a panic attack. Having a conversation with him about something I’m feeling upset about is impossible, there is almost no emotional support back, it’s all one way. It is exhausting and I’m forever walking on eggshells. Lord only knows how the kids feel - probably the same way.

Here’s the AIBU part.... I know this is a ridiculous question but at what point would you cut your losses and go your separate ways? AIBU for considering leaving someone who is clearly very ill? I am already basically a single mum and if I’m honest I feel so much relief when he’s not around. Obviously I love him and miss him at times but it’s one less person to look after and the kids are happier too. But I’m conscious I feel this way because of his deteriorating mental health. So I would feel like I’ve left him just because of a disability ...does that make me pure evil? I sometimes wonder how I’d feel if I had post-natal depression and he left me. But then I realise I’d still be expected to parent and look after my baby if I had PND....and he literally is saying he can’t do ANYTHING now, it’s like he’s got a get out of parenting free card which he now uses daily.

YABU - he’s ill and you need to be there for him even if he can’t contribute to family life anymore.
YANBU - you can’t be expected to do everything / he’s using his mental health as an excuse.

Any thoughts or comments would really help me right now...even if it’s to tell me I’m being an insensitive and uncaring bitch!! Thank you

Honestly - it’s because I’m too afraid to suggest these things. I get accused of being uncaring and then it turns into an argument because I explain how I struggle to see why he can’t do little bits and bobs to help ease the burden on me (even if those tasks have nothing to do with the kids) and then because I have caused an argument there is the risk of bringing on a panic attack. It sounds ridiculous I know...

I am going to bite my tongue here and just be very very practical.

You have four children to care for.

And two jobs.

And a house to run.

One person out of the two cannot do six of those seven tasks.

And four of them are absolutely essential tasks.

If you have a breakdown, there will be literally no one to care for the children.

You can say to him - I can just about manage these six out of the seven tasks.

What I can't do is have your ADDITIONAL demands - what you require to be able to undertake your one task - be laid all over the top of those six tasks and add an extra layer of total stress. Bring up the children and manage the house and do your job IN SILENCE. Do not stress me, do not allow the children to play or interact normally, they must be silent.

Not only is that unachievable (thus putting even more stress on you), it is also absolutely outrageously unfair on the children. Your first responsibility is to them. This is damaging them.

If he cannot manage his condition under normal family circumstances, then he is going to have to live elsewhere in order to do his one task.

And as that can't continue indefinitely, he also has to be proactive in sorting medication better.

He needs to stay with family, because quite frankly the childrens' need to be children comes before him. Their mental health is suffering now too.

Personally I think that this will be the first step to splitting up because I think a. you will be too relieved to be out of it to want to go back and b. I think you will see more clearly from a distance that there is a big dollop of plain old selfishness and navel-gazing here. Bottom line: a good person who is depressed can still look at the person they love and can see that they cannot opt out completely. A good parent and a good partner would still strive to do what they could, to still be part of the team, to understand that there is no way that it is ok to tell your wife who is looking after four kids alone with a job that you can't even fold washing (or indeed, to even need to be asked to take on small tasks).

Selfish entitled immature people get depression too.

I disagree with the above poster, you're not being unfair.

In fact you've been very fair by giving him plenty of time and support to help him heal and get better whilst you do all childcare, chores and work.

I also have a DP with severe mental health problems (although no DC) and it's exhausting and you never have time for yourself or to look after your own mental health. I can't imagine what that is like with 4 DC in the mix too. I can also relate to the snapping, swearing and getting very angry/irritable. Every time DP increases his Citalopram, this happens to me too.

It's not fair for your children, they shouldn't be walking on egg shells around their dad or feeling rubbish because he won't even stay in the same room as them.

I think after a year, something needs to change whether that's ending the relationship or giving him an ultimatum. If he is able to work full-time despite mental health issues then he can help with chores or with the children.

What medication is he on?

I'm also a bit cynical about people who use their mental health to opt of their responsibilities, knowing full well that someone else will pick up the slack for them. If you leave - or get him to leave - and he wants to maintain contact with his four children - and his mental health didn't seem to get in the way of their conception - then he is going to have step up massively. He needs to start taking medication/ therapy a lot more seriously and maybe separation will give him a kick. But it's not right to have little children walking on eggshells in their own home. If you do decide to cut your losses, don't feel guilty. Nobody's mental health stopped them running round with a hoover and we'd all love to get out of cleaning the bathroom by having a panic attack!

@curlymacv Thank you. I agree with everything you say (though I don’t feel like superwoman...more like failing at everything woman!)

What a terrible situation OP I really feel for you. I’m in no way minimising what he’s feeling (I suffer from anxiety and OCD myself and had bad PND) but to be honest it sounds like a genuine problem is being exacerbated by laziness and manipulation. You are not responsible for his MH. Yes he can expect you to Be supportive and understanding, but not to the detriment of the whole family.

His problems do not justify him not helping out round the house at all or spending time round the children. Fair enough if he needs time out etc but you can’t just check out of family life as a resident parent! There have been many times I’ve wanted to run away and not have to deal with screaming kids, especially when my anxiety is really bad, but it’s just not an option. My DH is hands on and is always happy to give me a break when I need it, but I couldn’t and wouldn’t expect him to parent solo full time!

Unfortunately you doing absolutely everything has (unwittingly) enabled him and perpetuated the cycle (not your fault at all as someone has to look after the kids!)- it sounds like you’ve fallen into a pattern of him saying he can’t do anything and you stepping up to do it. It works out well for him so he’s doing his best to maintain it and being frankly manipulative on the way, blaming you for him feeling bad, threatening an imminent panic attack etc

I wish I had some practical advice but it does sound like you are at the point you want to be apart. If you do want to stay together, I would sit him down and explain once and for all how his behaviour makes you feel and why it cannot go on. Perhaps if he realises how close you are to giving up on the relationship he might reassess his priorities. Good luck!

I was you!!!!
13yr relationship, 2kids, mortgage, both good jobs.
But he stopped wanting family life really when DC were 6 & 2.
I did everything.
Park dates, activities, bed time, story time, games.., ect!

I decided that as I was a single parent living with a lodger, I might aswell be a proper single parent!!
7yrs on Best decision. DC also now have a Dad who is hands on!!!

Most mental health problems are episodic. I think it is reasonable to expect him to recover back to previous functioning. Talking about this backseat role of his being the new normal might be unhelpful.

Hi op I’m not buying this really from him. He’s not too depressed to have sex and keep re producing children he is unable to care for.
Depression lifts even without medication after a period of time.
What about family therapy - the nhs can supply this.

What’s made him depressed. Has he always been like this.
He has no right to stop children being children.
Let him move out. I’m sure YOU will feel a whole lot better.
To help his depression he needs to do something. He has all day to ruminate on himself.
Don’t put up with it - you deserve better.
🌺

Google exposure therapy for DH

But in the main, I would suggest you stop thinking about whats best for you or DH (as that is unclear and muddies the waters) and just think about what is best for the dc. To live on eggshells, being shushed and not able to play games or use certain toys because they are noisy, to have a mother who is at her wits ends and a father who is basically absent yet controlling everything, is not a good way to live.

Can you ask him to move out for 8 weeks, so you can all have some breathing space and rebalance. Then work on a contract between the two of you for him moving back in (before he moves back in). Write it down, so must be taking meds and participating in therapy, must spend x mins each day with the dc, must take on x household jobs, etc etc

I also strongly recommend that if he is struggling to engage in difficult conversations (which can be difficult at the best of times for some people) that you write him a letter and ask that he replies in writing to you. It might help with the intensity of managing your communications

Get him good quality noise cancelling headphones. He’s sensitive to the kids noise so have a few hours a day when the kids can play noisily while he wears them and then the kids can plan but know they must be quiet outside that time. They can’t be silent all the time. They’re kids!

This is no way for a family to live. Kids are noisy and annoying and unpredictable and when we choose to have them we choose to accept the impact this will have on us. Your kids are getting the message that they are too hard for one parent. This is awful for them. I think a trial separation is a great idea. On the basis that he can get well without the stresses of daily family life (although it seems he is very sheltered already) and the kids can lead a normal life. You are allowed to put this in place. There are 4 DC whose needs matter, not to mention you.

I had awful panic attacks post baby, could not leave the house. Took myself off to doctors for meds. I felt so guilty that OH was taking on responsibilities on top of a demanding job that were mine. Did not want my baby to be cooped up either. Your OH is wallowing in his condition, reading books, having therapy, dicking about with his meds. yes they do cause side effects, tough titty, better than the black hole.

He can find himself a quiet room in another building if he does not want to help himself. I am so sad for your children this is an awful way to be raised.

You need to consider two things:

1. Your mental health, and the strain of shouldering everyday mum stuff AND the stress of keeping the household at an acceptable level for your husband

1. The impact your husband’s depression has on the children. The older ones especially will know that he finds their very existence intolerable. That’s a heavy burden for a child to carry.

He does sound controlling. His panic disorder and anxiety - while very difficult for him - should not mean that his family has to walk on eggshells around him. You are not responsible for managing his feelings, other than treating him with the respect and kindness you would give anyone.

You can't go on tip-toeing around trying not upset him and making your children be quiet for hours. That's not a happy, functional home for your children to grow up and it's not a healthy relationship for you. I can't imagine a mother of three children deciding to opt out of all parenting and household duties like this and it's very shabby to make you the scapegoat for all his negative emotions.

Don't think of leaving as being evil. Think of it as protecting your children and giving them a home where they can be themselves.

I haven't read all responses, though I have read your posts op.

Please leave him for the sake of your children, it's no way for them to grow up. It will do them untold damage to live with a disengaged father. It's also no way for you to live. Yes, he may be ill, but it's time to put yourself and your children first.

I’m just so shocked by some of these views!
I have mild bi polar, 58 and in the last 14 months have had post menopasal hormonal depression.
I had a very bad bi polar episode that triggered it, prescribed one antidepressant, then to get any further help my go had to phone a team between 12 and 2, finally after 4 months they did .
I had no reactive reasons why, took no two meds gave me tremors and dizziness, med one made me choke ( once enough).
Med three works well, gave me sensitive swelling feet and hands, now trying reduced dose.
I did have one physiotherapist session, at my eldest sons request ( private ) and have a phyatrist app if needed.
Tough living alone too, depression I’d not chosen, makes you feel very tired, tearful and crap.
I was luckily able to keep working

You both have bad mental health right now yet only one of you gets therapy and only one of you gets to opt out of wifework.

Get your own weekly counselling. You need to talk to a therapist regularly about this.

Perhaps he is being this way because of MH problems currently beyond his control that will somehow resolve even though he seems to be unbothered about your feelings. Nevertheless the result is that you and the children are today in an emotionally abusive household.

I would say you are right to suggest he goes to stay with family for a while. Do get counselling for yourself even if he does go.

Having mental health issues does not excuse selfishness

You can have mental health issues AND be a poor partner/dad.

When I had PND I never had the option to “opt out” of parenting. Yes at times I’d tell DH I felt overwhelmed and needed a few hours off

But I never checked out. I was I’ll but not that selfish

Separate the two issues: his mental issues and his general personality/behaviour/selfishness

Perhaps he needs a warning, that this life is not bearable for you and your putting a time limit on it, so say he’s got 6 months to change things around massively or you have to part

Don’t feel bad for self preservation

I have had depression. Its crippling. You can't think straight, have no motivation to do anything and just want to lock yourself away and sleep.
He's getting treatment. Meds take approx 6 weeks to kick in and even then they may not be the right ones.
I am so grateful to my dh for sticking by me and being patient. If you love your husband please support him and do the same.

This sounds very similar. My husband was so depressed he couldn't work- he couldn't look after the kids or do any housework either. I struggled for years doing everything, me and the kids tiptoeing round him. I will never forget the feelings of anxiety I had trying to keep babies/toddlers quiet in case they set him off.

Anyway, what happened with us is that he had an affair and left is. With hindsight this was the best thing ever to happen, although I was distraught at the time. I have realised that he did is the biggest favour as I never would have had the courage to leave him / break up the family. I feel ashamed now that I didn't leave him and that I put myself and the kids through that. My eyes are open now and what he portrayed as anxiety and depression is actually narcissistic and controlling behaviour.

I don't mean to offend anyone who genuinely has depression or anxiety - I do myself and it's hideous. But don't let him use it to mask other traits you perhaps don't want to see.

You do a lot to help him and for the sake of his feelings.

Does he understand the impact on you? Does he say it just be really tough? Does he understand a family is a responsibility and he’s passed it all to you? Does he ever show that he cares about the situation?

Some absolutely amazing suggestions here. Thank you all so so much. I definitely feel like a single parent living with a lodger for the most part. But I suppose there are three things stopping me from cutting my losses just yet:

1. I love the affection the kids get from him. In that one way he is incredibly kind caring and hands-on, he cuddles them and kisses them daily and really makes them smile. I know they would miss that if he was just never in the house. Part of me wonders if having that loving time with their dad even if it’s for 5 mins every day makes up for any shushing and i know it is better than having it just at weekends! I don’t even think he would be able to cope with visitation if we got divorced because he can’t handle the kids by himself. So then they would lose out massively. This is a big factor for me but of course I wouldn’t tell him that.

1. I don’t really know what would happen to the house or finances if we divorced - I could probably just about afford to keep this house and pay the mortgage on my salary alone and I know my parents would help me but I don’t know if he would keep paying towards the kids (I know he loves them but let’s say one day he is too depressed to work and stops) then we especially the kids could really suffer financially. I’m quite scared of all this.

1. Of course, I love him and don’t really want to divorce him. This is all so shit because I realise that this probably isn’t enough on its own.

Honestly it sounds like you need a trial separation.

Your kids need space to be kids, and you need space to have fun with them.

I’m sympathetic to mental health issues as I’ve had massive issues in the past, but your kids mental health comes first here. It also sounds like he’s manipulating you to be honest - which I’ve experienced from a very depressed partner in the past. Trial separation to give you all space and I bet it’ll be a massive weight off your shoulders.

Cut your losses, he's massively taking the piss. It doesn't sound as if he brings anything to your life at all. Let his family put up with him and have a lovely, happy life with your children.