DH has checked out of family life due to his mental health

[99WithTwoFlakes]

Name changed for this. I don’t know what to do anymore. I basically feel like I’m a single parent.

DH suffers with depression, panic disorder and generalised anxiety disorder, he’s been diagnosed within the last year but I think I have known for a while that there were some mental health issues. He’s never been massively hands on as a dad, and in the past has blamed it on his demanding job, which saw him out of the house for most of the day. But he would do things with the kids when he could, like take them to their hobbies, to the cinema, do some school and nursery runs, and during lockdown he did his fair share of home-schooling etc.

But in the past couple of months it’s got to the point where he cannot even be in the same room as them. (They are aged 1, 3, 6 and 8). He says the kids’ noise exacerbates his mental health conditions. I try to keep them as quiet as possible as I understand the noise is a particular trigger for him and as you can imagine at those ages the kids have their moments, though I would also say the older three do keep relatively quiet for long periods if told to. We also have a large enough house that he can escape to other parts of the house when it all gets too much for him. But what I’ve found is he will do that in the morning and then we won’t see him for the rest of the day. He usually comes back to spend time with me after they’re all asleep.

In the past week he’s also said he won’t be able to do the things he used to do anymore (examples above). He’s said that given his deteriorating mental health I’m expecting too much from him. For what it’s worth I rarely ask him to do anything anymore, everything he does is because he feels like it. And I do everything else including all the housework and trying to work a full time job (from home due to Covid). He won’t do any of the housework but will cook the occasional meal. I still can’t get my head around why he won’t do any housework as that has nothing to do with listening to the kids’ noise....let’s just say that when I bring things up I’m accused of being insensitive or uncaring and on a really bad day I’m blamed for giving him a panic attack.

I feel utterly miserable. Part of me feels like this isn’t the life I signed up for, and then I feel like a complete bitch for feeling that way, because it’s his mental health and although he’s getting regular treatment for it, it’s not working yet and he doesn’t seem to be able to cope with any aspect of family life. We never go anywhere as a family, we never play games with the kids together, he doesn’t even help with bedtimes and hasn’t read any of them a bedtime story in ages. He’s either sitting upstairs in the bedroom feeling depressed or anxious, or he’s just too tired from work. Are these just excuses? How will I ever know if he’s perfectly capable but very ill, or whether he’s just plain lazy?

On top of looking after four children I have to be constantly mindful of his conditions and do everything I can not to trigger a panic attack. Having a conversation with him about something I’m feeling upset about is impossible, there is almost no emotional support back, it’s all one way. It is exhausting and I’m forever walking on eggshells. Lord only knows how the kids feel - probably the same way.

Here’s the AIBU part.... I know this is a ridiculous question but at what point would you cut your losses and go your separate ways? AIBU for considering leaving someone who is clearly very ill? I am already basically a single mum and if I’m honest I feel so much relief when he’s not around. Obviously I love him and miss him at times but it’s one less person to look after and the kids are happier too. But I’m conscious I feel this way because of his deteriorating mental health. So I would feel like I’ve left him just because of a disability ...does that make me pure evil? I sometimes wonder how I’d feel if I had post-natal depression and he left me. But then I realise I’d still be expected to parent and look after my baby if I had PND....and he literally is saying he can’t do ANYTHING now, it’s like he’s got a get out of parenting free card which he now uses daily.

YABU - he’s ill and you need to be there for him even if he can’t contribute to family life anymore.
YANBU - you can’t be expected to do everything / he’s using his mental health as an excuse.

Any thoughts or comments would really help me right now...even if it’s to tell me I’m being an insensitive and uncaring bitch!! Thank you

[mathanxiety]

While he might not actually want sole custody, he has a chance to really hurt you for quite a long period of time by fighting for it, and after the questions of custody and visitation are settled, by causing untold trouble for you - asking for exceptions to whatever agreement you have, refusing to allow you to take the children on holiday abroad, not bringing them back at the agreed time, accusing you of breaches of the agreement, threatening to haul you back to court, etc. He will punish you for pulling the trigger here.

You need to fight for the minimum visitation and supervised contact. If he utters one peep about wanting visitation he will be awarded it. In order to reject his petition for visitation your H would have to have been proven to deliberately break his child's leg, and even then he would have a fair chance of getting away with it.

[justilou1]

He won’t want sole custody, but he won’t want to pay “You” for the “benefit” of doing the hard yards and raising your kids either. He is going to punish you every way he can - especially financially.

[Theluggagerules]

How are you doing now @99WithTwoFlakes?

[99withtwoflakes]

Thank you for asking @Theluggagerules

Things are good. I’m happy and the kids are happy. Legal matters are moving along, but slowly, particularly because of Covid. I’m not too bothered. It is such a relief not to have to walk on eggshells in my own home every day! Honestly I am glad I gave it as much time as I did, to make sure he was actually a selfish twat. And now I know I made the right decision at the right time for me. If I hadn’t given it all those years I wouldn’t have these beautiful children and I would always have wondered if it could have worked. No regrets now.

[Moviestar]

Glad to hear you doing well and happy :)

[Reearry]

My MH issues were so bad at one point that it was a struggle to get out of bed and brush my teeth. I would just lay on the couch all day. So while I understand how awful it is ... the reality is that he is also a father to four children and his kids and you need him to be there. He is able to hold on to the job so that's a great plus. To begin with you need to outsource all the home work you can as you are in a position to do so. As for not bringing in certain topics to his attention or for discussion... That is absolutely not acceptable. No matter how awful he feels... He cannot shut down the conversation. Sit down and have a chat to come up with a plan. Tell him very clearly that while you understand how difficult it is for him at the moment, things are very hard for you too and you need to find a way to work so both of you and kids are able to manage and be happy. Figure out what are the next steps. Does he need to change medications? Find new therapist? Find ways to help with house work when kids are not around? Engage one on one with kids? Take the kids out of the house and give you a break some time?

Take the time to discuss, plan and come out with possible solutions. If he chooses not to engage then it's best to just separate as it's not fair to put your and the kids mental health on the line to prop your husband's. Like they say you have to wear your oxygen mask before you help others wear theirs.

[Reearry]

Sorry. Didn't see your updates. Please ignore my last post. Wishing you and the kids the best for your future 💖