DH has checked out of family life due to his mental health

[99WithTwoFlakes]

Name changed for this. I don’t know what to do anymore. I basically feel like I’m a single parent.

DH suffers with depression, panic disorder and generalised anxiety disorder, he’s been diagnosed within the last year but I think I have known for a while that there were some mental health issues. He’s never been massively hands on as a dad, and in the past has blamed it on his demanding job, which saw him out of the house for most of the day. But he would do things with the kids when he could, like take them to their hobbies, to the cinema, do some school and nursery runs, and during lockdown he did his fair share of home-schooling etc.

But in the past couple of months it’s got to the point where he cannot even be in the same room as them. (They are aged 1, 3, 6 and 8). He says the kids’ noise exacerbates his mental health conditions. I try to keep them as quiet as possible as I understand the noise is a particular trigger for him and as you can imagine at those ages the kids have their moments, though I would also say the older three do keep relatively quiet for long periods if told to. We also have a large enough house that he can escape to other parts of the house when it all gets too much for him. But what I’ve found is he will do that in the morning and then we won’t see him for the rest of the day. He usually comes back to spend time with me after they’re all asleep.

In the past week he’s also said he won’t be able to do the things he used to do anymore (examples above). He’s said that given his deteriorating mental health I’m expecting too much from him. For what it’s worth I rarely ask him to do anything anymore, everything he does is because he feels like it. And I do everything else including all the housework and trying to work a full time job (from home due to Covid). He won’t do any of the housework but will cook the occasional meal. I still can’t get my head around why he won’t do any housework as that has nothing to do with listening to the kids’ noise....let’s just say that when I bring things up I’m accused of being insensitive or uncaring and on a really bad day I’m blamed for giving him a panic attack.

I feel utterly miserable. Part of me feels like this isn’t the life I signed up for, and then I feel like a complete bitch for feeling that way, because it’s his mental health and although he’s getting regular treatment for it, it’s not working yet and he doesn’t seem to be able to cope with any aspect of family life. We never go anywhere as a family, we never play games with the kids together, he doesn’t even help with bedtimes and hasn’t read any of them a bedtime story in ages. He’s either sitting upstairs in the bedroom feeling depressed or anxious, or he’s just too tired from work. Are these just excuses? How will I ever know if he’s perfectly capable but very ill, or whether he’s just plain lazy?

On top of looking after four children I have to be constantly mindful of his conditions and do everything I can not to trigger a panic attack. Having a conversation with him about something I’m feeling upset about is impossible, there is almost no emotional support back, it’s all one way. It is exhausting and I’m forever walking on eggshells. Lord only knows how the kids feel - probably the same way.

Here’s the AIBU part.... I know this is a ridiculous question but at what point would you cut your losses and go your separate ways? AIBU for considering leaving someone who is clearly very ill? I am already basically a single mum and if I’m honest I feel so much relief when he’s not around. Obviously I love him and miss him at times but it’s one less person to look after and the kids are happier too. But I’m conscious I feel this way because of his deteriorating mental health. So I would feel like I’ve left him just because of a disability ...does that make me pure evil? I sometimes wonder how I’d feel if I had post-natal depression and he left me. But then I realise I’d still be expected to parent and look after my baby if I had PND....and he literally is saying he can’t do ANYTHING now, it’s like he’s got a get out of parenting free card which he now uses daily.

YABU - he’s ill and you need to be there for him even if he can’t contribute to family life anymore.
YANBU - you can’t be expected to do everything / he’s using his mental health as an excuse.

Any thoughts or comments would really help me right now...even if it’s to tell me I’m being an insensitive and uncaring bitch!! Thank you

[katmarie]

Hi OP, I kind of understand how you are feeling. My Dh has chronic, treatment resistant depression, a couple of anxiety disorders, and agorophobia too. I often have to pick up the slack when he can't cope, and one of the things he finds exceptionally difficult is noise, particularly things like children screaming or screeching.

The difference between my situation and yours is that my DH is still a dad. We work as a team, when he has a bad day I step up, when I have a bad day, he steps up. I had PND after both my kids, and not only was he there, supporting, being a hands on dad, but he also booked me doctors appointments, made sure I got help, made sure I got time to myself.

We manage his mental health the same way we manage everything else in the family, together. If I'm worried about something I can sit down and talk to him about it, likewise he will do the same with me. If I need him to do something, or do more of something, I can tell him, and expect him to listen and be rational and reasonable about it. Even with the mental health issues he has, he still manages to be a decent and reasonable person most of the time (we all have our moments of being unreasonable).

OP I think you and your kids deserve a better life than this.

[TitianaTitsling]

@99WithTwoFlakes what do you think would happen if you were incapacitated, accident or illness and your children needed cared for, would he still place his need for quiet and peace above their basic needs?

[Phbq]

If he has only been getting help for the last six months and has had to deal with lockdown too then it seems harsh to not give him more time. Mental health can and does make some people ‘selfish’. I’m shocked at some of the replies on this thread tbh.

First thing I’d do would be to get some help in the home.

Is there any way you and your husband could have some counselling together.

I’m definitely not saying you shouldn’t split up with him just that I think you should explore all the options and see if there is a way to help your husband manage his mental health and start becoming a fully functioning member of the family

[user1481840227]

@Sobeyondthehills

I am the one with severe mental health problems in our relationship and on some days I do check out of family life and stay hidden under a duvet. These days are rare, but the can and do happen.

My partner has stuck with me, but I think alot of it is because he can see me getting help, trying a shit ton of ADs, therapy and our most important thing, is we talk, I know the signs of me going downhill and I talk to him about it, see what we can do. It is probably what has made sure our relationship has survived, without talking it probably wouldn't have done

You sound like a great team and that is how it should be handled.

Communication, honesty, support when it's needed and then getting back to family life as best as you can, as soon as you can.

[99WithTwoFlakes]

@TitianaTitsling I’m not sure. I’m fairly certain he would step up for a short time, as he has done following the births of each of our babies and also whenever I have had to recover from an injury/illness. But we’re talking no more than a few days or at the most a week and then when he can see that I’m managing well enough again, he goes back to doing only what he feels he can/wants to. So I think if something happened to me he wouldn’t last very long without full-time help. He would probably move in with family or pay for an au pair or something.

[99WithTwoFlakes]

@user1481840227 exactly how it should be! I’m glad there are people out there who can successfully navigate this stuff

[user1481840227]

@Phbq
If he has only been getting help for the last six months and has had to deal with lockdown too then it seems harsh to not give him more time. Mental health can and does make some people ‘selfish’. I’m shocked at some of the replies on this thread tbh.

The impact of the people dealing with a family members mental health is very rarely discussed. It is all about the person who has the mental health issues initially. The impact on the other people involved can be just as severe. The OP will have been dealing with issues related to his mental health for probably as long as he has, along with lockdown herself! She needs to look after her own mental health also, and that of her kids.
It's not unusual for the 'healthy' person to crash and burn after dealing with something like this.
If he's as bad as he says then we clearly don't want the same thing to happen to the mother. In that case no one will be able to look after the children!!

[99WithTwoFlakes]

@Phbq I definitely agree. The lockdown has only made things worse. That and the recent heat which was a massive trigger for him. Counselling is a great idea. I have actually thought about this and my MIL suggested it too as she knows how much I’m doing and how unsustainable it all is, I think she’s also a little afraid to speak to him for fear of setting him off. So suggested we talk to someone together. I do think it won’t be long before he feels criticised or anxious if we have therapy together. He’ll probably end up blaming me for another panic attack if I try to voice things to a therapist that he thinks portray him in a negative light. But it’s definitely worth a shot.

[rvby]

@Owleyes16

I have to add, please DO NOT suggest or attempt exposure therapy unless a doctor is monitoring it or the person themselves feels it will help. I was exposed to triggering levels of noise every day for 6 months and guess what? It didn't cure me, it nearly fucking killed me.

I was too afraid to leave my room and hence nearly starved. I was malnourished, dehydrated, and a fucking mess. I ended up so much more ill than if I'd been able to get away from those triggers.

Also to posters saying that mental health issues aren't an excuse to opt out of responsibilities 🙄🙄 no one is 'opting out', when they physically CAN'T. When given no other options, those responsibilities will STILL go unattended. When I was that ill, I couldn't eat, wash, clean my space, let alone anything else. Maybe educate yourselves on mental health problems and have some compassion, and understanding that everyone experiences things differently.

But see, when there are 4 young kids involved, having 1 parent who needs the other to do everything in the household, including forcing the children not to make a noise, just isn't going to work. It isn't sustainable.

I'm sad for the man if he is genuinely ill - its not fair, its shit he has such a limited life - but there is something more important than that, which is that his children need a household where they are allowed to exist. And ideally one where their mother isn't treated like a housekeeper and nurse above all other things.

I have a chronic pain condition... I also lived alone with small dc for 3 years... I didn't have the luxury of diving under the duvet when I ran out of spoons. I had to get on with it.

This guy sounds, to me, like someone who has assessed his home life and noticed that he doesn't need to get on with it. His wife will sort it.

Not saying he is happy or not ill... just that he probably does have the ability to do more, and by relying on the OP, his mh will just deteriorate more over time. Which doesn't help anyone.

[Embracelife]

Op you say he loves them for 5 minutes day but could not cooe with them on his own

"loving time with their dad even if it’s for 5 mins every day ..... he can’t handle the kids by himself."

So he is Bout as much use as doting uncle who fusses over foir 5 minutes but takes no responsibility.
He may as well live elsewhere and pop over for half an hour a day to pat the dc head.

You have 4 dc.
You havd to care of you.

Csn you also tiptoe around another adult?
Put you and dc first.
Maybe weekend visitation will be the making as time with dc in one 24 hour burst or day time six hours.
Let him go to family member for few weeks. Tell him its so he gets on top of his mh.
Drop the kids off each saturday 10 a.m . Let him get on with it. If he seeks famly to help him fine. Let him orhanize it. You need a break .

Anne sheffield s depression fallout book has good insights.
Dc will be affected.
I left dc dad with his anxiety and much more.
The freedom fior dc to be children was immensely liberating.

[IseeIsee]

This may have nothing to do with his mental health. Is it possible he just sees rearing children and housework as women's work and that children should be seen, not heard. There are plenty of men that think like this. He might just be hiding behind his mental health.

[EinsteinaGogo]

Oh my goodness, OP. You have the weight of the bloody world on your shoulders.

You're doing an AMAZING job of looking after your children's well being. Hats off to you.

How was your DH before his mental health issues? Was he a loving, hands on, equal split father and partner?

[UndertheCedartree]

He does sound very unwell. It also sounds like he is seeking treatment. Not quite sure what you meant about the medication? Did he stop it himself because of side effects? Many psychiatric meds have side effects but they often get better over time or there are other meds you can take to relieve symptoms. It's not good to just stop as you need to be weaned off and then weaned onto a new medication. Is his psychiatrist doing this?

Tbh when I had a mental breakdown I couldn't cope with anything. Hopefully it won't go that far with him but if he isn't able to do what he needs now to save his mental health it could go that way. Then he could end up in hospital for many months/years.

Having said that I have also dealt with my ex-husband and his mental health and it was extremely stressful. He was too unwell to have insight, though. You need to look after yourself too. Someone else suggested it but is there somewhere he could stay for a while to give you a break and while his psychiatrist gets him settled onto a new medication that will hopefully help?

[Rumbletumbleinmytummy]

I myself have mental health conditions, many of the same your husband has, and a few extra. My mental health has taken over my life at times, im explaining this because I feel awful thinking what I currently am and it may sound like I dont understand.
He needs to do a better job of being a parent or go away. It is not fair that your children do not understand why their dad can not be around them, and they will grow up confused, and what if they know the minute they go to bed he is downstairs enjoying company with you?
This isnt one day, this reads like a routine whilst hes creeping further and further away from being part of the family.

He sounds like he needs some help with additional medication and therapy. I'd give him support to access the right help, but ultimately, it doesnt read like hes trying to help himself here. He needs to atleast seem like he is trying to get better to have that support from you.

My husband also suffers with MH issues. He has his chores, I have mine. Sometimes he will get down, i tend to get more overwhelmed, we still work at things together.
I'll moan at him he hasn't taken his medication properly, then I'll be his sound board, we always come up with plans of action for each other to try and get past the fog. We always know we have each others support to get through the shit to tide us over until slightly happier times but it only works because were open to supporting each other. It doesnt read like you're getting any support back though.

I have a list of things my gp tells me to do each day if youd like to know what they are I can send them, they do help to transform the way you think fairly quickly. They read a bit hippydippy but often I roll them out as family conversation pointers when everyones a bit fed up.

[Patriciawentworth]

I would be hugely worried about the effect on your children - their self esteem & the consequences for their future relationships. They will already be learning that they have to tiptoe round other people, and that asserting their own needs & personalities causes problems. They are likely also to be learning a negative message about the female role in relationships - that a mother works to exhaustion and does not receive any support.

As they get older, yes, they will be quieter, but will have a huge range of other needs - practical, intellectual and emotional. These are onerous: how will your husband cope? And if he still opts out, what effect will that have on the children?

Relationships are meant to be about partnership - love, trust, companionship, mutual support. If that’s not what you have (and it clearly isn’t), what example are you setting?

One of my parents had mental health problems. It made my childhood miserable and frightening, & has been a big issue for me in life. So I’m prejudiced - but I think parental mental health problems can be such that children’s well-being is really best served by their parents living separately.

[UndertheCedartree]

Oh and I always thought having DC meant I would just ''have to get on with it'. I did 'get on with it' for many years. It is devestating when you are actually so unwell that you are unable to look after your DC. I will never stop feeling guilty about that. When I was sectioned I always said there was nothing worse than being in hospital when you didn't need to be...except being in hospital when you knew you really needed to be there.

[Sobeyondthehills]

@user1481840227

Thank you, I made it sound fairly simple, but it has taken a lot of work to get us to where we are, however it has taken the both of us working together and in this case, its the OP who is carrying everything and being shut down. That builds up a shit ton of resentment and gets to the point where you think its either my mental health or theirs

[ithinkiveseenthisfilmbefore]

He's opting out of his responsibilities.

Sorry, but just like parents who refuse to pay child maintenance for whatever reason: the children still need to be looked after, fed, cleaned up after, shuttled around, read with, played with, cleaned up, and given lots of love and attention. Not to mention the house still needs to be cleaned, the food and clothing and 'stuff' still needs to be bought, the cooking still needs to be done, clothes still need to be washed.

It's unfair to dump it all on the other person, expect everyone to walk on eggshells constantly in their own home and continue to expect to be catered to on top of it. It just is. he should instead be busting his butt trying to actively get better so he can be there for his own wife and kids. If his meds aren't working, he should be at the GPs asking to try something else. He should be doing what he can do best under the circumstances, such as housework in rooms that the children aren't in when he can't cope with noise. Laundry is quiet. Cooking is quiet. He needs to try.

I'd tell him you want to separate. Tell him you're open to having a conversation in x number of months if he gets help, shows a real effort to sort himself out, but right now, it's incredibly unfair on you and the DCs to have him there.

[99WithTwoFlakes]

Thank you all, you’ve given me a lot to think about. Bottom line is, the kids need to be able to be kids and be happy, they deserve nothing less, and he needs to try harder to get better. And I need a bloody break!! On that note I’m off to bed. You have all been utterly brilliant.

[Neves7]

Sometimes in life you need to be a bitch. Women are conditioned not to do this but to protect you and your children’s mental health you need to set some hard lines. Children are a lot more observant than they seem and it will impact them. His mental health is not more important than yours and it doesn’t really sound like he is trying to anything to get help except give it lip service.
Do you really want to live like this? For the next 20 years?
Trial separation sounds like a great idea - you have incredible patience and understanding to have lasted this long. Time to be a bitch for the sake of your children.

[AmICrazyorWhat2]

Like @Patriciawentworth, I grew up with a Dad with MH problems. He also didn’t take medication and gradually opted out of family life ( and eventually financial responsibility). There were odd behaviors, suicide attempts, including one where I would have found him when I got home from school. Luckily a neighbour stopped by and found him before I did. My own anxiety started around that time, I’ve had a diagnosis and take medication - a huge motivation is that I’m NOT putting my own DC through a similar experience.

My Mum was just like you, shouldering the family responsibilities and trying to keep things normal. They loved each other, but perhaps she should have left him, I know she almost did once.

He did have therapy, was sectioned a few times and eventually on medication- but the truth is, he’s never been mentally OK nor taken real responsibility for his behavior. It’s hugely impacted our family.

I’m only relating all this because your DH needs to think of his children as well as himself. His behavior WILL have an impact on them. If he’s not coping with normal family life, things are escalating and he must take action before it worsens. He probably needs medication to help him so he must ask to try something different- and keep trying until something works.

If he won’t, I think you’ll have to opt out of your marriage, for yours and your DC’s sakes.☹️

[EKGEMS]

Your husband sounds flat out manipulative and lazy as fuck-he's not off trying to improve his MH he's probably fucking around on his damn phone living the life of Riley. Did his doctor say the Rx caused the aggressive and abusive behavior or is that yet another excuse he's using to absolve himself from acting like a mature human being? You need to actually think long and hard about your relationship dynamic and whether he's even capable of thinking of you or your children because the picture you've painted is pathetic

[BitOfFun]

@Owleyes16

I have to add, please DO NOT suggest or attempt exposure therapy unless a doctor is monitoring it or the person themselves feels it will help. I was exposed to triggering levels of noise every day for 6 months and guess what? It didn't cure me, it nearly fucking killed me.

I was too afraid to leave my room and hence nearly starved. I was malnourished, dehydrated, and a fucking mess. I ended up so much more ill than if I'd been able to get away from those triggers.

Also to posters saying that mental health issues aren't an excuse to opt out of responsibilities 🙄🙄 no one is 'opting out', when they physically CAN'T. When given no other options, those responsibilities will STILL go unattended. When I was that ill, I couldn't eat, wash, clean my space, let alone anything else. Maybe educate yourselves on mental health problems and have some compassion, and understanding that everyone experiences things differently.

I think you are probably correct about making sure any exposure therapy is medically monitored.

Owleyes, it sounds as though you suffered terribly. I'm so glad you are out of that dark place.

In this situation though, we are talking about a man with a full time job. He is not entirely incapacitated. To some extent, he is choosing which parts of his life he is prepared to participate in.

99WithTwoFlakes, I think everyone who has advised you to separate so that your DH can establish himself on treatment, perhaps at his parents' home, is right. The priority here is the mental health of ALL of you, especially the children. The situation as it stands is completely untenable.

[badtime]

As someone with depression and a number of anxiety disorders, I didn't have to get very far down your OP before I had concluded that you need to leave, for the sake of your children's mental health. It will give them all sorts of anxiety to be constantly checking themselves and blaming themselves for daddy being unwell. They must already spend their days walking (tiptoeing!) On eggshells.

[BiblioX]

I’m going to be harsh here - he IS using his diagnoses to check out of family life. You say he has medication and therapy, well that’s great but there are levels of seriousness of declining mental health and believe me that combination is the still-capable-of-functioning level!!!
I have weekly visits by a community psychiatric nurse and six-weekly appointments with my psychiatrist, I am classed as disabled due to my mental health disorders and receive more than the minimum of PIP. I also have a 1,3, 11, 12 and 15 year old and social work are happy that there is absolutely no need for involvement as everything, everything, I concentrate on is them and being a good Mum. It terrifies me at times, the pain and chaos inside me, I get terrified it will consume me and my mind will not be able to keep control enough to be Mum but I have a wonderful husband who is also my carer. I do NOT check out of family life.
Your husband has really angered me on your and your children’s behalf. You do not have to accept this as your life.