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AIBU?

DH has checked out of family life due to his mental health

482 replies

99WithTwoFlakes · 14/08/2020 21:40

Name changed for this. I don’t know what to do anymore. I basically feel like I’m a single parent.

DH suffers with depression, panic disorder and generalised anxiety disorder, he’s been diagnosed within the last year but I think I have known for a while that there were some mental health issues. He’s never been massively hands on as a dad, and in the past has blamed it on his demanding job, which saw him out of the house for most of the day. But he would do things with the kids when he could, like take them to their hobbies, to the cinema, do some school and nursery runs, and during lockdown he did his fair share of home-schooling etc.

But in the past couple of months it’s got to the point where he cannot even be in the same room as them. (They are aged 1, 3, 6 and 8). He says the kids’ noise exacerbates his mental health conditions. I try to keep them as quiet as possible as I understand the noise is a particular trigger for him and as you can imagine at those ages the kids have their moments, though I would also say the older three do keep relatively quiet for long periods if told to. We also have a large enough house that he can escape to other parts of the house when it all gets too much for him. But what I’ve found is he will do that in the morning and then we won’t see him for the rest of the day. He usually comes back to spend time with me after they’re all asleep.

In the past week he’s also said he won’t be able to do the things he used to do anymore (examples above). He’s said that given his deteriorating mental health I’m expecting too much from him. For what it’s worth I rarely ask him to do anything anymore, everything he does is because he feels like it. And I do everything else including all the housework and trying to work a full time job (from home due to Covid). He won’t do any of the housework but will cook the occasional meal. I still can’t get my head around why he won’t do any housework as that has nothing to do with listening to the kids’ noise....let’s just say that when I bring things up I’m accused of being insensitive or uncaring and on a really bad day I’m blamed for giving him a panic attack.

I feel utterly miserable. Part of me feels like this isn’t the life I signed up for, and then I feel like a complete bitch for feeling that way, because it’s his mental health and although he’s getting regular treatment for it, it’s not working yet and he doesn’t seem to be able to cope with any aspect of family life. We never go anywhere as a family, we never play games with the kids together, he doesn’t even help with bedtimes and hasn’t read any of them a bedtime story in ages. He’s either sitting upstairs in the bedroom feeling depressed or anxious, or he’s just too tired from work. Are these just excuses? How will I ever know if he’s perfectly capable but very ill, or whether he’s just plain lazy?

On top of looking after four children I have to be constantly mindful of his conditions and do everything I can not to trigger a panic attack. Having a conversation with him about something I’m feeling upset about is impossible, there is almost no emotional support back, it’s all one way. It is exhausting and I’m forever walking on eggshells. Lord only knows how the kids feel - probably the same way.

Here’s the AIBU part.... I know this is a ridiculous question but at what point would you cut your losses and go your separate ways? AIBU for considering leaving someone who is clearly very ill? I am already basically a single mum and if I’m honest I feel so much relief when he’s not around. Obviously I love him and miss him at times but it’s one less person to look after and the kids are happier too. But I’m conscious I feel this way because of his deteriorating mental health. So I would feel like I’ve left him just because of a disability ...does that make me pure evil? I sometimes wonder how I’d feel if I had post-natal depression and he left me. But then I realise I’d still be expected to parent and look after my baby if I had PND....and he literally is saying he can’t do ANYTHING now, it’s like he’s got a get out of parenting free card which he now uses daily.

YABU - he’s ill and you need to be there for him even if he can’t contribute to family life anymore.
YANBU - you can’t be expected to do everything / he’s using his mental health as an excuse.

Any thoughts or comments would really help me right now...even if it’s to tell me I’m being an insensitive and uncaring bitch!! Thank you

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HotelRoomforOne · 22/08/2020 06:22

No no no. This is not acceptable OP. If being around the children is too Hard for him then give him an ultimatum:
He puts on noise cancelling headphones and listens to music or mental health podcasts ( there are heaps of good ones) while he does ALL the housework. All of it. While you deal with the children and your work.

He dies the cleaning, washing, ironing, cooking. The lot. Physical activity and accomplishments are a great way for him to manage his depression.

You are doing enough with 4 children and a job. Stop doing any more. Either he puts on his headphones and does everything house work related or you cut your losses and go it alone. He has no excuse. If he lived alone he would have to clean up after himself.

But he doesn't live alone. He has the benefit of living with you and your 4 children. So he can get over himself and do his part. He still wont have to engage with anyone, but he will be contributing. He must do this at least, and continue therapy and find an effective medication as well.

This is not fair on you OP.