DH has checked out of family life due to his mental health

[99WithTwoFlakes]

Name changed for this. I don’t know what to do anymore. I basically feel like I’m a single parent.

DH suffers with depression, panic disorder and generalised anxiety disorder, he’s been diagnosed within the last year but I think I have known for a while that there were some mental health issues. He’s never been massively hands on as a dad, and in the past has blamed it on his demanding job, which saw him out of the house for most of the day. But he would do things with the kids when he could, like take them to their hobbies, to the cinema, do some school and nursery runs, and during lockdown he did his fair share of home-schooling etc.

But in the past couple of months it’s got to the point where he cannot even be in the same room as them. (They are aged 1, 3, 6 and 8). He says the kids’ noise exacerbates his mental health conditions. I try to keep them as quiet as possible as I understand the noise is a particular trigger for him and as you can imagine at those ages the kids have their moments, though I would also say the older three do keep relatively quiet for long periods if told to. We also have a large enough house that he can escape to other parts of the house when it all gets too much for him. But what I’ve found is he will do that in the morning and then we won’t see him for the rest of the day. He usually comes back to spend time with me after they’re all asleep.

In the past week he’s also said he won’t be able to do the things he used to do anymore (examples above). He’s said that given his deteriorating mental health I’m expecting too much from him. For what it’s worth I rarely ask him to do anything anymore, everything he does is because he feels like it. And I do everything else including all the housework and trying to work a full time job (from home due to Covid). He won’t do any of the housework but will cook the occasional meal. I still can’t get my head around why he won’t do any housework as that has nothing to do with listening to the kids’ noise....let’s just say that when I bring things up I’m accused of being insensitive or uncaring and on a really bad day I’m blamed for giving him a panic attack.

I feel utterly miserable. Part of me feels like this isn’t the life I signed up for, and then I feel like a complete bitch for feeling that way, because it’s his mental health and although he’s getting regular treatment for it, it’s not working yet and he doesn’t seem to be able to cope with any aspect of family life. We never go anywhere as a family, we never play games with the kids together, he doesn’t even help with bedtimes and hasn’t read any of them a bedtime story in ages. He’s either sitting upstairs in the bedroom feeling depressed or anxious, or he’s just too tired from work. Are these just excuses? How will I ever know if he’s perfectly capable but very ill, or whether he’s just plain lazy?

On top of looking after four children I have to be constantly mindful of his conditions and do everything I can not to trigger a panic attack. Having a conversation with him about something I’m feeling upset about is impossible, there is almost no emotional support back, it’s all one way. It is exhausting and I’m forever walking on eggshells. Lord only knows how the kids feel - probably the same way.

Here’s the AIBU part.... I know this is a ridiculous question but at what point would you cut your losses and go your separate ways? AIBU for considering leaving someone who is clearly very ill? I am already basically a single mum and if I’m honest I feel so much relief when he’s not around. Obviously I love him and miss him at times but it’s one less person to look after and the kids are happier too. But I’m conscious I feel this way because of his deteriorating mental health. So I would feel like I’ve left him just because of a disability ...does that make me pure evil? I sometimes wonder how I’d feel if I had post-natal depression and he left me. But then I realise I’d still be expected to parent and look after my baby if I had PND....and he literally is saying he can’t do ANYTHING now, it’s like he’s got a get out of parenting free card which he now uses daily.

YABU - he’s ill and you need to be there for him even if he can’t contribute to family life anymore.
YANBU - you can’t be expected to do everything / he’s using his mental health as an excuse.

Any thoughts or comments would really help me right now...even if it’s to tell me I’m being an insensitive and uncaring bitch!! Thank you

[GlassMarble]

*sake

[CaptainNelson]

[quote 99WithTwoFlakes]@PiataMaiNei Honestly - it’s because I’m too afraid to suggest these things. I get accused of being uncaring and then it turns into an argument because I explain how I struggle to see why he can’t do little bits and bobs to help ease the burden on me (even if those tasks have nothing to do with the kids) and then because I have caused an argument there is the risk of bringing on a panic attack. It sounds ridiculous I know...[/quote]
OP, I could have written your post, only my kids are older. I also really recognise this: the ability to turn anything on its head and back round to how terrible he is feeling. And while I don't deny he felt terrible, he could never recognise that other people might feel terrible too (me, the kids) and that not everything was done with the intention of worsening his mental state.
OP, I got out. I felt horribly, horribly guilty for stepping away from someone who was ill, but it was making all of us ill, and my youngest particularly. My ex is ok; the kids and I are a hundred times better. Even though there is no less to do, it's so much easier to manage without a shadow on your back and having to watch every step.
Big hugs, I know how hard it is.

[1Morewineplease]

@Babamamananarama

Having a mental health condition doesn't alleviate you from responsibility.

You are not unreasonable to consider leaving. Perhaps, if he is trying to always put space between himself and the family, a separation might actually allow him the space and time to address his issues and start to improve.

It is so so hard living with someone who is depressed. You have my sympathy and basically sound like you've been superwoman to keep it together thus far.

This.
It sounds like your partner is using his mental health problems to run away from what is expected from him.,
You can’t cure that so you need to find the best way forward.
Mental health issues are very difficult but they shouldn’t absolve yourself from life.
If they do then interventions are needed.

[movinggoalposts]

If he has the money, I’d pay to get a raft of tests done, e.g. zinc levels. I recommend using the Calm app to wind down at bedtime. Between that and activated charcoal, I feel loads better. I can’t believe such simple changes have boosted my mental health so much.

[BlackSwan]

This is awful for you - do you think this is his way of abandoning his family without being the one to walk out?

[BelieveInPeople]

Please don’t feel ashamed, honestly no one tells you how to deal with this kind of thing - I did the best I could to be kind but it wasn’t until I left that my exH realised he couldn’t go in that way anymore. It was intolerable - he would always say that the ‘mean’ version of him wasn’t really him and that he didn’t mean the horrible things he said - but I don’t think he ever got that I had to live with both versions of him and that you can’t just un-say things. I’m divorced and in another relationship now and the joy of not walking on eggshells is astounding.

[ShesMadeATwatOfMePam]

I've had some horrendous struggles with my mental health over the last few years. But no matter how bad I'm feeling, I'm a mother. I still need to take care of my children. I've got a very supportive husband who takes over and i can take a break if i need to but i can't just check out for the entire day. i wouldn't want to. Sometimes people get too comfortable using their mental health to get an easier life and sometimes, getting on with things while hard, is very necessary to keep the family going. Obviously everyone's struggles are different etc. But that's my thoughts. If you're so ill youre competely checked out of your family then perhaps you should be seeking much more intensive forms of therapy or treatment especially if your current ones arent working.

[99WithTwoFlakes]

@Linaya the abusive behaviours are thankfully a thing of the past - at least I hope so. It was mainly aggressive behaviour, snapping at me over minor things, angry overreactions, swearing and name calling and at its worst it involved throwing things (never harmed me and never in front of the kids). Not that that makes any of it acceptable. He blamed that on the SSRIs he was taking. A common side effect of those was aggressive tendencies. That is the main reason he stopped taking them and has tried to manage on therapy alone. But yes I completely agree he needs to find alternative medication because the therapy alone isn’t working.

[ScrimpshawTheSecond]

OP.

You cannot sacrifice your own well being in support of your husband's.

This. I say this as someone with experience of all of the mental health issues your husband is dealing with, so I can understand some of what he's going through and understand it's not easy. But it's not up to you to fix him or tiptoe around him. Your priority is your own self care, and that of your children, sorry to sound blunt. But he is an adult and capable of looking after himself.

I think a trial separation is a pretty good idea - might give you both a bit of a breather and a chance to recover. All the best, OP, hope you get a break soon.

[99WithTwoFlakes]

@Craftycorvid He’s been in therapy less than 6 months, so yes it could just be that he needs to give it more time. Here’s hoping...

[rvby]

I have to be constantly mindful of his conditions and do everything I can not to trigger a panic attack - if you keep doing this, it will make his MH issues worse over time. Panic attacks in particular will worsen if he avoids his triggers.

Has he told you that you're meant to tiptoe and prevent his panic attacks? If he has, he either has no clue how to manage his MH issues, or, he knows and is lying to your face.

Please don't make the kids tiptoe around him. You'll end up with children with MH issues, on top of a lazy, checked-out husband. Kids need to be allowed to make noise in their own house.

[99WithTwoFlakes]

Thank you all for your replies! I wish I could keep up with them all and reply to everyone individually. I really really appreciate every single poster. Thank you all.

[99WithTwoFlakes]

@rvby I told him the other day, because of something I had read, that the best thing is not to avoid all triggers all the time. He got upset and asked me not to say that again

[ShawshanksRedemption]

@99WithTwoFlakes If the SSRIs were not working for him due to side effects he should've gone back to his GP and tried something different. Did he do this do you know? If he feels his mental health is worsening he should see the GP again anyway to discuss.

I have to say, if he's working full time, then he should be able to do some things around the house to help out. Routine could be useful here eg he cooks on Tues/Thurs.

[Mistystar99]

How convenient he can do fuck all, citing mental health. You would be better off on your own.

[rvby]

[quote 99WithTwoFlakes]@rvby I told him the other day, because of something I had read, that the best thing is not to avoid all triggers all the time. He got upset and asked me not to say that again [/quote]
So sorry op. This guy sounds unbearable. Not surprised you're at the end of your tether.

[ShawshanksRedemption]

Have you discussed leaving him @99WithTwoFlakes?

[99WithTwoFlakes]

@rvby I suppose the one good thing about him leaving the room so soon after joining us, is that the kids really don’t have to tiptoe around him and they don’t have to keep quiet all day. It’s true they can’t always go upstairs and be loud and noisy whenever they want, I usually ask him if it’s alright for them to go and play upstairs and most of the time he says it is. Then if they get too loud he lets me or them know. They know not to go into the room where he usually is. I don’t know how that must make them feel. He views our kids as incredibly resilient; he also gives them a lot of love and affection whenever he is around them. So I just don’t know.

[Nsky]

I think you are bring unfair.
Just recently come ( ok managed ) out of hormonal depression, I ached constantly, I went to work. ( I add not reactive)
Constantly in tears and live alone, it took months , 9 to get the right meds via nhs, last time I threatened to go private if no joy.
I just had to cope.
Ok irs tough for you, maybe part is reactive and part chemical, no one gets blamed for being so unwell.
Tho I do feel for you too

[99WithTwoFlakes]

@ShawshanksRedemption No he hasn’t been back to the doctor. I 100% agree he has to do this if he wants a marriage

[curlymacv]

Would it not be best to split, just temporarily? Or rather, live separately, until his mental health improves?

It is tough because having been through similar myself, incl the hypervigilance making noise/light/stimulation kind of unbearable, I wouldnt wish it on anyone. But I also think that your husband is relying way, way too heavily on you. You are being a superwoman and it isnt sustainable.

I was raised in a household where everyone had mental health issues. It was horrible. It has left me with my own very deep-seated issues that will now require a lot of therapy to fix. Please look out for your children. Being so young, they are especially vulnerable.

I hope things look up for you soon OP

[99WithTwoFlakes]

@ShawshanksRedemption Have talked about leaving him in the past, but not recently. I think explaining how I feel despite him inevitably making me feel guilty about it and then suggesting the trial separation will all have to be done at some point now

[Porcupineinwaiting]

I dont think it's fair to call him lazy, he works full time which is quite impressive if you are that I'll. Nevertheless I think a trial separation is the way forward because if you go know like this the relationship will break down altogether (if it hadnt already). Better to take a break now, whilst there is still some affection left, even if what follows is divorce rather than reconciliation.

[99WithTwoFlakes]

@Nsky Thank you for your post, it is so important that I hear all these different perspectives

[Lillygolightly]

I told him the other day, because of something I had read, that the best thing is not to avoid all triggers all the time. He got upset and asked me not to say that again sad

He can be upset about it sure, for years when I struggled financially it upset me opening the post. However ignoring the post didn’t do anything to address or solve the problem. If he truly wants to get well he can not stick his head in the sand and not confront things he struggles with. Yes it’s hard confronting things we all get that, but in order to get well this is exactly what he has do so that he can find the coping strategies he needs to deal with life and to be an adult/partner/parent etc.