DH has checked out of family life due to his mental health

[99WithTwoFlakes]

Name changed for this. I don’t know what to do anymore. I basically feel like I’m a single parent.

DH suffers with depression, panic disorder and generalised anxiety disorder, he’s been diagnosed within the last year but I think I have known for a while that there were some mental health issues. He’s never been massively hands on as a dad, and in the past has blamed it on his demanding job, which saw him out of the house for most of the day. But he would do things with the kids when he could, like take them to their hobbies, to the cinema, do some school and nursery runs, and during lockdown he did his fair share of home-schooling etc.

But in the past couple of months it’s got to the point where he cannot even be in the same room as them. (They are aged 1, 3, 6 and 8). He says the kids’ noise exacerbates his mental health conditions. I try to keep them as quiet as possible as I understand the noise is a particular trigger for him and as you can imagine at those ages the kids have their moments, though I would also say the older three do keep relatively quiet for long periods if told to. We also have a large enough house that he can escape to other parts of the house when it all gets too much for him. But what I’ve found is he will do that in the morning and then we won’t see him for the rest of the day. He usually comes back to spend time with me after they’re all asleep.

In the past week he’s also said he won’t be able to do the things he used to do anymore (examples above). He’s said that given his deteriorating mental health I’m expecting too much from him. For what it’s worth I rarely ask him to do anything anymore, everything he does is because he feels like it. And I do everything else including all the housework and trying to work a full time job (from home due to Covid). He won’t do any of the housework but will cook the occasional meal. I still can’t get my head around why he won’t do any housework as that has nothing to do with listening to the kids’ noise....let’s just say that when I bring things up I’m accused of being insensitive or uncaring and on a really bad day I’m blamed for giving him a panic attack.

I feel utterly miserable. Part of me feels like this isn’t the life I signed up for, and then I feel like a complete bitch for feeling that way, because it’s his mental health and although he’s getting regular treatment for it, it’s not working yet and he doesn’t seem to be able to cope with any aspect of family life. We never go anywhere as a family, we never play games with the kids together, he doesn’t even help with bedtimes and hasn’t read any of them a bedtime story in ages. He’s either sitting upstairs in the bedroom feeling depressed or anxious, or he’s just too tired from work. Are these just excuses? How will I ever know if he’s perfectly capable but very ill, or whether he’s just plain lazy?

On top of looking after four children I have to be constantly mindful of his conditions and do everything I can not to trigger a panic attack. Having a conversation with him about something I’m feeling upset about is impossible, there is almost no emotional support back, it’s all one way. It is exhausting and I’m forever walking on eggshells. Lord only knows how the kids feel - probably the same way.

Here’s the AIBU part.... I know this is a ridiculous question but at what point would you cut your losses and go your separate ways? AIBU for considering leaving someone who is clearly very ill? I am already basically a single mum and if I’m honest I feel so much relief when he’s not around. Obviously I love him and miss him at times but it’s one less person to look after and the kids are happier too. But I’m conscious I feel this way because of his deteriorating mental health. So I would feel like I’ve left him just because of a disability ...does that make me pure evil? I sometimes wonder how I’d feel if I had post-natal depression and he left me. But then I realise I’d still be expected to parent and look after my baby if I had PND....and he literally is saying he can’t do ANYTHING now, it’s like he’s got a get out of parenting free card which he now uses daily.

YABU - he’s ill and you need to be there for him even if he can’t contribute to family life anymore.
YANBU - you can’t be expected to do everything / he’s using his mental health as an excuse.

Any thoughts or comments would really help me right now...even if it’s to tell me I’m being an insensitive and uncaring bitch!! Thank you

Hi OP,

Just wanted to say that although it must have been a difficult decision I think you've absolutely done the right thing.

I've posted about this before on a different thread but I hope my family experience might help you.

We have a family member (FM) who suffers from poor MH - anxiety being the most prominent aspect of their diagnosis.

Obviously everyone wanted to help and be kind and went out of their way to do so.

The FM found social situations triggering so at any family events (birthdays, christenings etc) everyone went out of their way to make sure the occasion was "tailored" to make it easier.

At first this was about locations, seating arrangements, that sort of thing but as time went on the demands from FM increased - by way of example the timing of the event, when everyone should go home (because they didn't want to miss anything if they left "early"), what food was served, what if any music could be played and when, what the dress code was (because if they only felt comfortable in jeans they didn't want to be under dressed) etc

Looking back it sounds ridiculous but we all got caught up in the need to make life easier for FM (even at the expense of everyone else) and additionally if I'm honest we were scared of the push back if we didn't - "you don't care about me", "you like me being ill", "you're finding excuses not to include me", "you don't know what it's like to be ill and you're making me get worse not better" etc etc

The break point was a family wedding where the usual process of appeasement was being discussed until the Bride and Groom simply asked "what about what we want? What about our plans? Why should we not be "allowed" to have music at our wedding or decide the seating plans, what food is served, what the dress code is etc?".

It was what everyone needed to recognise that the situation was ridiculous and unsustainable.

From there the fog lifted and we also came to realise that (much like your DH) the FM had over the years only made half hearted (put nicely) efforts to get well and we were more than likely part of the problem by centring their "needs" above and beyond all reason.

We realised this was how FM "managed" their relationships, essentially by using their MH issues to feel in control and getting well meant losing the mechanism by which they did this.

So it was a vicious circle in the sense the more we "helped" the less incentive to get well FM had.

Upshot is we realised that continually centring FM and putting them first wasn't helping anyone and whilst I'm not going to pretend it was easy, everyone is in a much better place now - including FM who finally did become proactive in their treatment and is now doing really well.

So good luck OP and whilst I know it's hard you're right to prioritise yourself and your children

He goes to bed around 3am most days and doesn’t wake up until 11ish so I know he gets enough sleep but the quality of it could improve

That's ridiculous. What's he doing til 3am? Don't get me wrong I'm usually awake at 3am too and it's horrible but I'm in bed much earlier trying to sleep. Does he game/do stuff on a computer/phone until then? If he's not getting up, he's basically in a different time zone to the rest of you.

There is a plethora of sleep hygiene things he can do to regulate his sleep pattern. That's a cop out. Finding the right medication and taking it also helps. There is so much he could have done but chose not too.

And I say this as a PTSD and GAD sufferer.

I completely agree with both the PPs, his sleep is a problem and yet another one that he’s not addressing. He acts like he is really anti-medication, because of side effects (aggression) and inability to focus which he says affects his job, despite knowing full well he needs it, that there are alternatives which might suit him, which he hasn’t tried, and despite having medical professionals in his family telling him there’s nothing wrong with taking this type of medication for life!

@DeRigueurMortis Gosh that sounds like an absolutely unbeatable situation, I’m so glad it’s improved for you all. FWIW DH’s expectations/needs at social events aren’t that bad. If he feels anxiety bubbling he will just quietly leave the room, or most recently he went and sat in the garden to cool down because it was too hot and stuffy indoors when we visited family. That didn’t work and so I suggested he go and sit in the car with the AC on which he did. He didn’t ask us to leave early or anything like that. He just waited for us and we continued to have a good time. However I can imagine the social anxiety will get worse if he doesn’t get proper treatment. Thankfully the demands haven’t yet been as ridiculous as the ones in your post but thank you for giving those examples as it is a good indicator of where we may end up if things don’t change.

Oh and yes he sits looking at his phone or computer all night, Netflix movies/series, YouTube videos. Complete waste of time and totally unproductive.

Which is why he can't sleep..... Don't need to be a scientist to Google blue light theory and why you should remove all transmitting devices from your bedroom to aid sleep. Putting phones away an hour before bed so the brain can relax etc.

I take venlaflaxine, I didn't get on with sertraline at all, and it was a game changer in my life. The medicine side is trial and error but he will find something that suits but if he gives up within the first few weeks because of the initial side effects then he will be back to square one.

Your welcome OP and sadly I think your absolutely right about escalating behaviour.

Interesting you mentioned sitting in the car - this was exactly an early tactic of FM.

Sounds reasonable doesn't it? But even so it takes some of the shine off the occasion because even if you're not expected to leave a part of your mind is worrying how the person in the car is and how long you can realistically stay for without looking callous/uncaring.

Looking back it was very much "boiled frog syndrome" for the family.

Once we'd started agreeing to - in the face of it - reasonable accommodation for FM's well being the "needs" just kept increasing in number and the impact they had on everyone else, but you just don't see it so clearly when it becomes normalised over time.

I think already you've gone way beyond what is reasonable to expect of anyone and have done for some time.

As I said I genuinely wish you well

I have every sympathy for the incredibly difficult situation you are in op. I think its positive that your husband is agreeing to seek help i.e different medication / more therapy etc but I want you to seriously think about what changes You would like to happen in order for the marriage to continue. I think he has to want to make a meaningful change and a more proactive approach to dealing with the fact that he is unwell. Its absolutely OK to start making alternative plans if he still isn't willing to fully contribute to family life and love and support you as you have a right to expect. I woulf make clear to him that just making half hearted pacifying gestures isn't enough.

Interpretation besides, there are a few things from what you’ve said that stand out to me. The first is that he has made you feel like you are impacting him by expecting him to help or be around his children. He does not seem at all apologetic for this so I can understand why you feel he may be milking it a bit. That’s not saying that he doesn’t have issues because he is diagnosed, so he does. But there are warning bells ringing there. The other thing is, whilst you can support him as much as possible to seek help and try and improve his situation, you matter too. It’s not ok to just say you and your kids have to get on with it whilst he does whatever he wants. So whilst you support him how you can, for the sake of your own mental health and your children’s, he has to also accept that it’s ok for you to do what you need to there also.

I think for him to spend time away in another location would be the best decision perhaps for now. That way, there is no pressure on him or expectations. It also means that you won’t have resentment or daily contact with him. Because whilst you know he needs to be in a quiet place to recover, you will also resent that when you are run off of your feet.

My own home always runs so much better when my husband is at work etc. This lockdown situation is not doing any of us any good. We’re all forced into this limbo of trying to cope with not much routine.

I hope you find a solution that works for you. Do not feel guilty for wanting to do what’s right for you and your family, OP.

Thank you both.

Yes he’s well aware about the blue light effect and he claims that it’s not stimulation from devices that keeps him up He says it’s anxiety. There was a period in time when he requested I take all the electronics away and put them in another room in order to help. I did this for a while and it helped regulate his sleep until he said he didn’t want me to anymore and just wanted to stay up watching crap. God just writing this I realise what an utter man child I’m married to He’ll be back to early starts again soon though - he has some early meetings (virtual) in a few weeks’ time that he won’t be able to reschedule. Hopefully it won’t be my problem to wake him up on time for those meetings as he’ll still be away from home; besides he’s been perfectly capable in the past of setting an alarm and getting up early.

I completely agree with everyone who has posted. And your posts are so so helpful and making me feel much stronger. I wish I could go back and “like” every single comment, thank you all.

you sound more like his mother.

what on earth do you get out of this relationship?

not trying to be rude but i'm so frustrated reading your posts - YOU MATTER TOO!!!!

Absolutely astonishing that anyone with 4 kids sleeps in to 11am everyday I’m so shocked at that , I have the same amount of children with my husband and none of us could do those hours . Very selfish indeed .

There was a period in time when he requested I take all the electronics away and put them in another room in order to help. I did this for a while and it helped regulate his sleep until he said he didn’t want me to anymore and just wanted to stay up watching crap.

He really did have you dancing to his tune, didn't he . He couldn't even be bothered to move things out the room for himself. It's so easy to see from the outside but when you're in the middle of it and it's your norm it's less clear.

So depressing to think, what do I actually get out of this “relationship”. The honest answer, right now, is money. That’s it. He’s always been wonderful at providing for us, goes above and beyond and thankfully finances have never been one of our many problems. I know what you’re all thinking. He pays me off so he can behave atrociously....

It used to be much much more than that of course. Historically, I was happy, we would spend lots of time together, with or without the children, he was fun to stay in with or go out with, had some lovely date nights both before and after the kids were born. He’s very intelligent, has been a great person to talk to about anything, and before all of this he was good company, romantic, affectionate, loving, caring and a laugh. Most of that has gone now of course...and I suppose the point of this thread was to figure out if it’s really because of his mental health or whether there’s more to it. So I think we’ve concluded it’s a mixture of the two... that he’s unwell and therefore he’s changed but also that doesn’t excuse that he’s now lazy/selfish/abusive/controlling .... I sometimes doubt very much that fixing the mental health issues will fix the other problems. But I’m an optimist, and I think back to how he used to be...much kinder / nicer and it’s hard to accept that he might never be that way again.

It's very sad, 99. At least your children will be able to relax in their own home.

Yes - the massive silver lining in all of this is I can see just how happy and relaxed they all are now, it really is liberating. Live for these babies!!

Be aware he may a) make all sorts of promises to get you to resume the status quo or b) threaten some level of self harm.
He will be stunned at the loss of control over you and will try anything to get it back.

This ^^

Yes this... His behaviour mirrors so closely the hold my brother had over my mother right up until her (early) death. Then he tried to turn it on me. Oddly enough, it didn’t work to his great surprise and disappointment. He tried other people as well and discovered than no one else was quite as heavily invested in his bullshit as my mother had been and that manipulation didn’t work. He’s pretty lonely these days.

Thank you for the heads up. He won’t be seeing the inside of this house again if he expects the status quo. I’m guessing the police would take seriously any reports of a man abusing his whole household by using his mental health as a weapon for coercive control. Pretty sure they don’t care if an abuser has anxiety and panic attacks. He’s still blocked on my phone so he can’t contact me and he needs to work on himself before I decide anything. Feeling strong today, one of those days I can absolutely see myself quite happily living without him.

Good for you. I’m very proud of you. While I imagine you will feel rather unsure of who you are without him for a while (given how much and energy - physical, mental, emotional, etc...) once you realise that this can be spent on yourself and kids without feeling guilty of anxious, the sense of lightness it brings will be profoundly liberating. Please don’t waste time with guilt or remorse.... just revel in freedom and move into new life with joy.

Good for you, OP. I imagine your house is a much more relaxed place with him out of it.

Well done OP - you sound strong and have clear boundaries

Thank you. Just ashamed and embarrassed I let it continue for this long.