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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Husband invited work colleague and son to stay

768 replies

Delatron · 14/08/2020 20:41

Just got back from holiday. Am knackered and have a mountain of washing to do. I’m working in the morning. DH has said his work colleague and son are flying back from a local airport and she’s asked if they can see us for dinner and stay over tomorrow. So one day’s notice. Then get up bloody early on Sunday to get their flight, wake us all up on the only day I get a lie in.

I mean how cheeky is this? DH has said yes. I’ve told him he can do all the beds/towels and cooking but I’m furious my chilled weekend has been taken away. He says he is just being kind and I’m so ‘hostile’.

Also the coronavirus risk? I’ve only had my parents overnight. Nobody else. We have no idea where they’ve been and whether they have been social distancing. They are not even close friends!

So am I being unfriendly and hostile?

OP posts:
mumsiedarlingrevolta · 21/08/2020 20:53

@Delatron I completely agree with you.

I am very sociable and love hosting/dinner parties/having ppl stay but we are in a bloody pandemic. So not now.

We have been to the pub -outside- for drinks and DC who are late teens early 20's have seen friends outside-not in our house- but we are all being very careful and I would not be impressed to have someone come from America and stay in my house!!

I also think your DH is being inconsiderate and thoughtless and missing the bigger picture and he should never put another person's needs above yours.
Ever.
That is it in a nutshell.

forrestgreen · 21/08/2020 21:21

I'd draw up a list of things that need doing if someone is staying, long and involved, loo and bedding on there! And agree if he wants to host he shops, cleans and does breaks the next morning. Perhaps you'd enjoy it more if you weren't skivvying around after everyone. Tell him you're happy with the normal household load, if wants to add to the load he can step up. When you invite someone you do it all.

Catmaiden · 21/08/2020 21:28

@Delatron the point of my post was, I totally agree with you!

Delatron · 21/08/2020 21:33

Thanks @Catmaiden.

Sorry I was replying to another post but appreciate your comments 💐

OP posts:
daisychain01 · 21/08/2020 21:33

@Delatron

No it’s not going to be in the garden. It’s 9.30am in a Sunday and I had other plans.

Yes to be honest I don’t want lots of people inside my house every week at the moment.

I don’t think it’s controlling to check whether I’m free before he invites people over.

Don't take any notice of the snidey comments @Delatron.

Your home is not a B+B and definitely not somewhere for randoms to wander in and out of your home with an uncontrolled virus on the loose. You need your home to be your own private territory. That's a very reasonable expectation, so don't doubt yourself.

Delatron · 21/08/2020 21:36

Yes I think going forward if heinvites people he does all the work. It’s just last time I made him do that he didn’t even out clean sheets in the guest bed. He wouldn’t clean the bathroom etc. I think I’d have to go somewhere else so it didn’t reflect on me.

Anyway thanks all. I’ve been told off for dragging this out in to 29 pages and being over dramatic when I just wanted to update those that have helped.

OP posts:
Davros · 21/08/2020 21:42

I've read the thread and I say YANBU. Gavel 🔨

OliviaBenson · 21/08/2020 22:14

No clean sheets or clean bathroom - yuck! I'd be asking him if he goes to stay elsewhere he'd be expected to sleep in a bed that others had before with no change and use a 'used' bathroom.

He clearly doesn't get it does he.

WhereamI88 · 21/08/2020 22:47

OP I read the whole thing and YANBU. He’s infuriating.

InDeoEstMeaFiducia · 21/08/2020 23:09

@Delatron

Yes I think going forward if heinvites people he does all the work. It’s just last time I made him do that he didn’t even out clean sheets in the guest bed. He wouldn’t clean the bathroom etc. I think I’d have to go somewhere else so it didn’t reflect on me.

Anyway thanks all. I’ve been told off for dragging this out in to 29 pages and being over dramatic when I just wanted to update those that have helped.

So then that's what you do. You do just that. Stop enabling it by cleaning up. Funny how he tidied up for his special lady, eh?

Who told you off? Fuck that. You're not over-dramatic, your h has the EQ of a Pritt stick.

GarlicMcAtackney · 21/08/2020 23:53

Your husband sounds really low intellect, he needs to educate himself on the virus and question himself on why exactly he keeps exposing his wife and children to the worst possible risk factors to catching it, bringing random runners and woman he fancies into your property? And running his mouth at you? Scumbag behaviour.

GarlicMcAtackney · 21/08/2020 23:56

How will this gormless NiceMan sterilise your house after having a group of exercising people in it? A wee wipe of a kitchen counter? Nah, he should be paying for a company to spray your drop in house with antiviral spray, as a bare minimum. Ugh, how can you bear such a vile male.

Vodkacranberryplease · 22/08/2020 00:39

You haven't been told off. Sheesh.

Anyway if he won't do the work then YANBU. He doesn't get to make extra housework for you without your explicit consent. No one does that, it's just disrespectful.

So it may be that, shock horror, people will see you house not at its best, but you will be in one of the many perfectly decent hotels near Heathrow enjoying room service and a nice bubble bath.

Maybe pack up an overnight bag and keep it ready? Pack a book, charger, travel size face stuff, spare toothbrush, maybe a face mask, bath stuff (the hotel stuff will be like dish soap) and anything else you might need/want.

Then a cheery "Bye! Have fun! See you tomorrow" and off you go before he has time to answer. Phone off of course. His credit card also of course!

You'll get back to a mess so you'll not be able to cook for him because of course you will be busy. In fact you'll be too busy to do much at sll for him. I'm sure he's perfectly capable of ironing though. And he can make himself a sandwich for supper.

Then you simply look confused and said 'but I told you I didn't want to have overnight guests. It's too dangerous right now. I didn't want to spoil your fun so went to a hotel, I told you I would dont you remember? It was lovely too. Hope you enjoyed it!'

And I'd be looking at cleaners if you can bear to have someone there (not being facetious btw). Or just say to yourself that you would usually spend x time On housework so you won't go extra and until you catch up it's his stuff that suffers. His washing, cooked meals etc.

But you do sound very pissed off with him at the moment. If he's not pulling his weight he needs to start because it's shit to expect your wife to be your servant.

Pobblebonk · 22/08/2020 08:04

Look this is 29 pages of you absolutely furious because he invited a work colleague to stay (if she invited her) and he invited people for breakfast.

Don't be silly, @Vodkacranberryplease. Of course it isn't 29 pages of OP. Are you seriously suggesting she has written 740 posts all by herself?

BunnyLovesBananas · 22/08/2020 08:19

@Pobblebonk

Look this is 29 pages of you absolutely furious because he invited a work colleague to stay (if she invited her) and he invited people for breakfast.

Don't be silly, @Vodkacranberryplease. Of course it isn't 29 pages of OP. Are you seriously suggesting she has written 740 posts all by herself?

Yes exactly!
Friendsoftheearth · 22/08/2020 09:06

delatron The one issue with the visitor from USA is just reflective of a much deeper problem in my view:

a) Dh has very little respect for you, all arrangements should always be discussed in advance with you, this should have always been the case. We are not students anymore, it is not okay to use your house as a crash pad. It highlights his lack of maturity.

b) You are not very compatible, and not living your best life. Marriage should be about compromise, but not to the point that you are constantly fielding stuff.
It is no joke if you are idea of a great weekend is a run, relax and decompress, and his idea of fun is to invite as many people as possible every weekend for endless entertaining and catering.

It would be my idea of hell, and I am sociable.

You are going to have to really discuss the root of the problem, and agree a way forward. ie meeting friends in pubs or restaurants instead of hosting etc. No overnight guests particularly not in a pandemic. Or you will spend your life dreading 'the next thing' and never really having the time and space to enjoy your own life.

Flowers
Delatron · 22/08/2020 10:36

I know @Friendsoftheearth and this is what is making me sad. It wasn’t about this one night but the whole lack of respect that it is my house too. Plus putting another woman before me.

We won’t be having overnight guests for a while but that is mainly because of COVID not because he has listened and understood and taken on board my feelings.

He has basically agreed under duress and is a bit annoyed about the whole thing.

OP posts:
Igotthemheavyboobs · 22/08/2020 10:58

I don't think either of you wbu. It just sounds like the two of you aren't really compatible. I am like your DH, would welcome people to stay anytime even with short notice unless I had other plans already. Hosting and socialising is a big part of my life so I wouldn't be with someone who didn't enjoy that.
You're nbu though as he surely knows you don't like guests staying so shouldn't have arranged it.
I would hate the long dragged out conversations about this though. I would feel like a told off child that was getting punished over and over again.
Maybe you need to think if this is the relationship you want to be in if you both have such extreme opposing views in how you like to spend your free time.

Delatron · 22/08/2020 11:17

I enjoy having people over to dinner and socialising and we do this lots. But yes if he feels that not having overnight guests is dealbreaker in his life then no we are not compatible. Just to be clear though we host and have people over at least once a fortnight. I don’t want to be painted as antisocial because I don’t like frequent overnight guests!

OP posts:
InDeoEstMeaFiducia · 22/08/2020 11:42

@Delatron

I enjoy having people over to dinner and socialising and we do this lots. But yes if he feels that not having overnight guests is dealbreaker in his life then no we are not compatible. Just to be clear though we host and have people over at least once a fortnight. I don’t want to be painted as antisocial because I don’t like frequent overnight guests!
You worry a lot about what other people think, him, randoms on here, his overnight guests that you didn't invite.

You really need to learn to detach. You are not anti-social. He doesn't want to compromise, he wants it his way and you put up with it and like it or he gaslights you. It's not on. So either you realise you're not compatible or grey rock his entertaining by doing nothing for it, including cleaning up after them.

Go out today, get some Bio Ears ear plugs. Sleep in another room, get all your supplies in there, set your alarm for what you want, turn on a fan full blast for white noise. Get up, get suited up for your run, come downstairs, wave at guests and leave. Come back, wave again, go for a shower and leave him to it.

As regards this woman, I'd be fucking furious still, mostly at the way he put this woman ahead of all of you and then dancing round her setting a scene - funny how he doesn't do work for any other guests but he went over and above for her.

That wouldn't leave me soon.

SmellsLikeFeet · 22/08/2020 11:45

I completely agree with you OP

Nanny0gg · 22/08/2020 11:50

[quote cansu]@Delatron you have already said that the colleague asked if you were free for dinner and was intending to stay in a hotel so they are guilty or nothing more than asking if an old colleague would like to have a meal! You are being a real pain. Your dh should probably have checked first but I would also think that he is allowed to ask an old friend to spend the night?? You sound a bit miserable tbh.[/quote]
And you don't seem to have read the thread.

Igotthemheavyboobs · 22/08/2020 11:51

@Delatron

I enjoy having people over to dinner and socialising and we do this lots. But yes if he feels that not having overnight guests is dealbreaker in his life then no we are not compatible. Just to be clear though we host and have people over at least once a fortnight. I don’t want to be painted as antisocial because I don’t like frequent overnight guests!
That's understandable but then you had further issues with the breakfast. It just sounds like you both enjoy different things.
Nanny0gg · 22/08/2020 11:52

@Horehound

Lol why are you so obsessed about popularity on here?! You have no idea who these posters are. They could be utter scum or they could have a brain. None of us know. Like I'm not angry at your choices I just don't see what your husband is doing as such a big deal and not to really get worked up about in the way that you seem to. There's bugger fish to fry imo but maybe if this is all you have to worry about then that's a good thing. I don't want to argue with you, there's no need. K don't have any issue with you I just don't really understand what's so bad. My family have people round for breakfast so to me what your husband is doing isn't bad.
But it's not about you!!

We are all different and the OP has made room for her husband's wishes.
Not so sure he does the same

Friendsoftheearth · 22/08/2020 11:53

and is a bit annoyed about the whole thing

Is he annoyed with you or with the woman that tried to stay?

Agreeing under duress is the not the same as understanding your POV.

I hope he doesn't take you for granted Delatron that he has you banked, and doesn't need to try/take your feelings into account now. I would be hurt if my dh put any one else first, much less someone he hardly knows from an office thousands of miles away. What does that say? That almost everyone comes before you? That isn't right.

Most people I know find having overnight guests tiring, hard work and dread it, and very few of my friends enjoy actively enjoy it.

I hope he is loving, generous and appreciative of you, and simply making small missteps because he is thoughtless rather than uncaring, because otherwise this does open up a much bigger problem.

I would refocus your discussion on priorities (each other) rather than socialising.

You have to come first, it is not up for negotiation