Husband invited work colleague and son to stay

[Delatron]

Just got back from holiday. Am knackered and have a mountain of washing to do. I’m working in the morning. DH has said his work colleague and son are flying back from a local airport and she’s asked if they can see us for dinner and stay over tomorrow. So one day’s notice. Then get up bloody early on Sunday to get their flight, wake us all up on the only day I get a lie in.

I mean how cheeky is this? DH has said yes. I’ve told him he can do all the beds/towels and cooking but I’m furious my chilled weekend has been taken away. He says he is just being kind and I’m so ‘hostile’.

Also the coronavirus risk? I’ve only had my parents overnight. Nobody else. We have no idea where they’ve been and whether they have been social distancing. They are not even close friends!

So am I being unfriendly and hostile?

Yep, he’s free to go out as much as he likes and socialise. Just stop with the constant house guests.

You don’t need to get sarcastic as soon as someone doesn’t completely agree with you.

It’s unreasonable for him to invite people without asking you and then also expect you to do the work for it. But if he does the hosting I can’t see the issue? To be honest if you are very anxious about the COVID issue (I’m not having people round at the moment as flat is v small), you probably need to put a blanket rule down about it because otherwise it’ll seem like you’re using it as an excuse some times and not others.
All the updates of “I haven’t even filled my own wine glass, I’ve yawned and she hasn’t left yet” just seemed like dragging out something that really wasn’t that big of a deal.

Doesn’t seem like you’re able to hear anything other than that you’re completely right, though.

I have taken all the comments on board. But I don’t think there have many claiming that I was ‘dragging jt out’ and being ‘dramatic’.

She was rude and I was hospitable to her.

I do think it’s a big deal if my DH puts another woman’s wishes above mine. If he doesn’t listen to my worries and concerns. That he calls me unkind and hostile. That is a big deal which is why I came in here to gather opinions.

Our family was in a situation last night where DD invited her friend over- I was out so I’m assuming she asked DH first- and it was awkward. DD “hosted” her friend completely, but poor DS had changed into his pajamas and felt embarrassed in front of a teenager; I came back from a swim and felt abit awkward showering and getting into nightwear while this girl was there. This is a close friend we’ve known for years and one of the few friends DD is currently socializing with.

But, it was bad timing and we didn’t want her in our house right then...so yes, I think ppl do need to respect their family’s wishes when they don’t want guests!

No hon. You did right. You are tired, you have a lot to do and he should be checking with you. X

I basically have a list of people who can stay. Close friends and family. More of his friends on this list. Then people who definitely can’t.

I would put your list in writing on the fridge! include this rude woman as well (she is not typical - all the Americans I’ve met have been kind and generous and would always bring a gift). Please do as another poster suggested and continue your routine as normal on Sunday and be out when the next guests are invited. He needs to clean thoroughly after them - door handles, arms of chairs, toilets if used in this Covid time. I have had similar over the years - complete strangers invited at last minute - can leave you feeling very uncomfortable in your own place. The answer is to already have your own plans which you stick to and/or to be out. He is assuming you’ll be available and will go along with his plans. Good luck

Final., non drunk discussion has been had. Have said post COVID happy to have people on the preferred supplier list over from time to time! I was specific who couldn’t stay overnight (rude women and another of his friends who has been rude).

He still insists he just loves to host and offer a bed to anyone who needs it. Why should they pay for a hotel he asks? He insists his other work colleagues put up other colleagues all the time! It put the fear of God in me! I just don’t get it. I reiterated of course it’s nice to host when you do zero of the work involved.

I said we all have families now, most at least two children. We just aren’t staying over as much as we used to pre kids and that is normal. He accepts this.

Right. Sorry for the long, never ending thread. Thanks to all those who helped me put my foot down!

I shall be going out for a run on Sunday as it turns out DH was out for dinner with the same friend last night that he’s invited over on Sunday morning. He’s really not short on social events...

How are they colleagues if she lives in The US? Sorry I am confused!

They work on the same international client. So he used to travel to the US lots. She was based over here for a few years then moved back but they still work for the same company. Big international company.

@Delatron you have already said that the colleague asked if you were free for dinner and was intending to stay in a hotel so they are guilty or nothing more than asking if an old colleague would like to have a meal! You are being a real pain. Your dh should probably have checked first but I would also think that he is allowed to ask an old friend to spend the night?? You sound a bit miserable tbh.

Well I don't know why you don't just tell him it's his housework if he wants to host. It's not that hard. I certainly wasn't saying you were being dramatic. I wouldn't put up with a load of extra housework so he could host work friends.

Unless this is a Covid thing which is the conversation you have with him. No visitors cause Covid.

But tbh you sound a bit miserable. It might be that you are not very well suited if he loves people and socialising and you don't. He's not going to cancel his whole social life and inviting people over gives you the chance to join in. If he goes out you are home alone with the kids. Which is not ideal either..

Maybe you have just outgrown each other? Perhaps you'll post here in a year saying he's having an affair? Maybe he's not having much fun at the moment either?

I have said I am sociable and love having people over to dinner which we do often.

I don’t love having people to stay often but I’m pretty sure most of our friends feel the same. We can still socialise! I’m not sticking him in a cupboard under the stairs!

Just asking him not to invite people over night at the moment with little notice. Not sure if that makes us so incompatible that we need to divorce!

@Vodkacranberryplease at no pint have I said I don’t love people and I don’t like to socialise. I’m a very sociable person with lots of friends and we host all the time. Please don’t twist it and make out I’m miserable and stopping him from seeing friends. I’m not and he does.

@cansu have you read the thread?

She asked to ‘crash at ours’? Do you understand what that means?

You have to learn to stop enabling this by cleaning and towels and bedding and detach completely so he has to do all the work and grey rock it all.

He knew you didn't like overnight guests when he married you so I think your list is a reasonable compromise, but honestly, leave him to it. Get some noise cancelling headphones or earplugs and even sleep in the spare room if he's going to be getting up early to host and will disturb you. Then that's it. Get dressed to run, come on down, say hello and say, enjoy! I'm off on a run.

Yes I would be miserable letting someone who has not quarantined properly from the US invite herself to stay with less than 24 hours notice. If that makes me miserable so be it. It’s more important that my family is safe.

I wish people would actually RTFT

Look this is 29 pages of you absolutely furious because he invited a work colleague to stay (if she invited her) and he invited people for breakfast.

29 pages. You are just furious. Most of us understand annoyed but this is actual rage. Ive suggested you make it his problem housework wise and got 🙄. Now its Covid and you havent seen your parents - also understandable.

So just fucking tell him no more overnight guests. Go to a hotel if he invites people. Jesus. 29 pages. And yes I've RTFT.

There's no way this is just about an overnight guest and a breakfast. You are clearly very resentful about something that for whatever reason you don't want to admit to or discuss with him. My guess is you do the lions share of the housework and are fed up - so tell him!!! Or hire a cleaner!!!! Just do something instead of giving yourself a heart attack.

OP, today DH and I met up for lunch with a couple who we've known for 40 odd years, but see infrequently, due to geography. They are holidaying near us, so we met up for a physically distant, COVID-19 safe meal. We then came back to our house, walked and talked outside for an hour around the farm, they used the downstairs bathroom exclusively, then came inside to have tea and cake inside, with us and them sitting well spaced out in our sitting room.

At every point of all this we all discussed if we were all ok with what we were suggesting doing.

DH and I had already had an advance conversation about what we each felt was ok, if our friends wanted to come back to our house to see our children and the estate (couple have never met adult children, not seen our farm for 25 years since last visit to UK, so interested to see changes)

And that is the way it should be, in a properly respectful, equal relationship.

At any point, if any one had raised a concern, things would have changed.

But, that is not what you have going on here, is it? Sadly.

Right it’s just me in an echo chamber for 29 pages..

You sound quite angry @Vodkacranberryplease. Don’t read the thread if it infuriates you. Lots of inaccuracies in your post. I have seen my parents. She invited herself he didn’t invite her. I said he can do all the work! He agreed to do all the work.

"Husband invited work colleague and son to stay"

I agree with @Vodkacranberryplease that it is a miserable sounding life. Your way or the highway.

But really in the grand scheme of things none of this is really a big deal...

Yes read the thread @horehound. I thought that initially but then found out what the text said!! Jesus.

You said your peace at about page 5 @Horehound. You were very popular then.

Lol why are you so obsessed about popularity on here?! You have no idea who these posters are. They could be utter scum or they could have a brain. None of us know.
Like I'm not angry at your choices I just don't see what your husband is doing as such a big deal and not to really get worked up about in the way that you seem to. There's bugger fish to fry imo but maybe if this is all you have to worry about then that's a good thing.
I don't want to argue with you, there's no need. K don't have any issue with you I just don't really understand what's so bad.
My family have people round for breakfast so to me what your husband is doing isn't bad.