Husband invited work colleague and son to stay

[Delatron]

Just got back from holiday. Am knackered and have a mountain of washing to do. I’m working in the morning. DH has said his work colleague and son are flying back from a local airport and she’s asked if they can see us for dinner and stay over tomorrow. So one day’s notice. Then get up bloody early on Sunday to get their flight, wake us all up on the only day I get a lie in.

I mean how cheeky is this? DH has said yes. I’ve told him he can do all the beds/towels and cooking but I’m furious my chilled weekend has been taken away. He says he is just being kind and I’m so ‘hostile’.

Also the coronavirus risk? I’ve only had my parents overnight. Nobody else. We have no idea where they’ve been and whether they have been social distancing. They are not even close friends!

So am I being unfriendly and hostile?

He just doesn't give a stuff does he? Sorry OP. 🌹

Why don't you go for your run at 9, come back about 10, have a quick shower and join as a guest? Tell him to save you a croissant and make you a coffee? He's not asking you to do the breakfast is he? So why not just enjoy a nice cup of coffee, croissant and chat?

If you aren't making it or cleaning it up - and make sure you arent then fine.

If he wants guests he entertains them and cleans up after them. It's very very simple. You make that rule and it's problem mostly for him not you. You bow out of hostessing duties and let him pour the drinks. Loads of couples do it.

Also did it occur to you that he has said to this work friend 'next time you're over you must stay! We would love to have you!'

What are you really annoyed about? This isn't just about a breakfast you will be out for anyway.

He doesn't get it, OP, does he? Or maybe he does and care. I would be seeing him with a new pair of glasses after disregarding your wishes, so soon too, and deciding whether I could remain with such a selfish prick!

*and doesn't care

Why don't you go for your run at 9, come back about 10, have a quick shower and join as a guest? Tell him to save you a croissant and make you a coffee? He's not asking you to do the breakfast is he? So why not just enjoy a nice cup of coffee, croissant and chat?

Totally agree. Do absolutely nothing to help. Don’t change your schedule to accommodate his invite.

I guess breakfast friend said ‘dong something in next town to you on Sunday we could pop in and see you before’ DH just agreed to it.

I’m bothered as he agreed without asking again, it’s too early and scuppers my nice Sunday morning plans.
I think I’ll do run at 9 then join the for coffee and croissants.

He can do everything.

Yes I’m worried he’ll invite work lady next time she’s over but there’s no travel with their work at the moment. This was a family visit and in COVID times she shouldn’t be over here for a while. If I get so much of a hint she is I will tell him in no uncertain terms she is not to stay. But with work trips then work pays for hotel. So less likely.

He is essentially disregarding everything you say re visitors. He is able to do this as essentially he gets his way. He'll continue to do this if you let him.

The next time he says he'll " tell them not to come" agree with him. And make him do it. Or you do it. He might start asking your thoughts before issuing invitations after that.

@Delatron I don’t think you should let your DH’s Sunday morning plans stand. I suggest you message the friends and tell them ‘sorry DH is an idiot as we already have plans this Sunday so can’t see you. Let’s sort out another date soon x’
Otherwise he will just keep doing this.
Don’t let him cancel as he will blame you.
If you do this every time he doesn’t consult you, he will be forced to start including you in his plans before he makes them.

Oh my god! Yes your DH is vvvvvvvv unreasonable. He is insane! Who the fuck invites people over at 9am on a Sunday whatever the circumstances. If he wants to see them at that time he should go out! How old is your H? He sounds very immature.

He’s 44 but yes can behave like a selfish child much of the time...

@Delatron it won't let me quote but your Saturday 15:55 comment

He knows he should have asked first and says he won’t invite people to stay without consulting it just makes him sooo sad that we can only see local friends. This is rubbish as I will host many of his friends at least once a year. It’s like he basically wants us to run a b&b.

So he literally just meant he would check before inviting to stay but will still invite them at any point he wants as long as they're not staying?!

Wow, I can’t believe his latest plans, what on earth is wrong with him? I agree with Vodka, follow your usual routine and join them later for coffee and a croissant.

Your DH’s either being deliberately obtuse or just thick. I know exactly what you mean about hosting becoming more work as families grow, etc. We used to entertain a lot pre-children and when DD was very tiny, but it got too much when everyone had children. DH occasionally mentions that we don’t have parties much now....and I remind him who did nearly all the work for them.🤣

@Delatron

He’s 44 but yes can behave like a selfish child much of the time...

You're in a no-win situation. You could either end up having bust-ups with him every time he pulls yet another childish stunt like this, showing absolutely no regard for your opinion, or you can walk away from it, go out and do your own thing for a few hours, but you're not obligation-free, you have a child to think about, and his selfish actions show he isn't thinking about the disruption to childcare.

Why isn't he focused on being with his family, why the incessant need to
divert his energies elsewhere??

Very frustrating and I'd have run out of patience a lot sooner than you have.

Yes he’ll run invites by me I guess but would be most put out if I veto them.

I will put my foot down more in the future. I will tell him to cancel people if it’s not booked way in advance and run by me.

I basically have a list of people who can stay. Close friends and family. More of his friends on this list. Then people who definitely can’t.

I don’t want to be hosting overnight stays more than once every three months. At the moment we really shouldn’t be hosting overnight stays so I’m hoping this won’t be an issue again for a while.

I wouldn't want to be with someone who only let certain people on their approved list stay over or only agreed events booked well in advance. As long as he sorts out the croissants then what's the issue? I wouldn't have minded people staying over either though tbh

Apologies OP, but this is actually a bit funny.

Could he be any clearer?

He couldn't give a damn about you and what you want.

He hasn't an ounce of respect for you.

You can't say you don't know.

It really couldn't be any clearer.

I think you should carry on with any arrangements you have.
I would make plans to be out when not consulted and he makes arrangements.
I would have absolutely nothing to do with anything connected to hosting.

I wouldn't even get into a discussion about it. Just be absent for any visitors that you haven't been consulted about.

Good luck being married to duch a selfish, disrespectful twat.

Seems a little controlling to make him run all invitations past you and well in advance. I agree with you on the overnight stays but what's the trouble with having friends over for coffee and croissants (although hopefully in the garden atm)? Just go about your planned routine and join them afterwards if you feel like it. Couples don't have to do everything together.

No it’s not going to be in the garden. It’s 9.30am in a Sunday and I had other plans.

Yes to be honest I don’t want lots of people inside my house every week at the moment.

I don’t think it’s controlling to check whether I’m free before he invites people over.

Different friends over for breakfast this time, during the pandemic. I wouldn't accept this for myself or kids.

Your DH doesn't seem like he gives a shit about protecting anyone's health as long as he has company other than his family to eat croissants with on a Sunday morning

@Shoxfordian

I wouldn't want to be with someone who only let certain people on their approved list stay over or only agreed events booked well in advance. As long as he sorts out the croissants then what's the issue? I wouldn't have minded people staying over either though tbh

He doesn't, though. She's already stated this. Excepting for his special little lady.

I would find it hard if every time I asked my partner if I could have someone round, he made it clear how much he hated it. Or is the problem purely that he doesn’t ask? If he did ask would you sigh/roll eyes/make it obvious you didn’t want to agree?

It sounds like you both expected to get your own way. The woman was rude but ultimately it all seems like such dramatics! Your partner should have asked you first, of course he should, but it all seems like a big fuss over not very much.

I think he's a very sociable guy who in these times of Covid and people not going out is missing all of that. He doesn't get it from your point of view as he likes people.

To me the main thing is that he can be as social as he likes (within reason obvs!) but any invitation he issues is his to cater and host. You are there in capacity of 'guest' if you are there - though you might top up drinks from the bottle next to you. It's his to cook/buy for, they are his dishes to wash and for overnights his sheets to change.

If he does he mind that (and it sounds like he doesn't) then it's less annoying surely? You of course have to have a conversation with him about these new rules and set some limits but if it were me I wouldn't want to not be able to have friends over because my partner doesn't want people there.

I've known a few men who love to host, are happy to cook/clean, and are happy for their OHs to essentially be one of the guests. Or they might be out/doing other things.

As long as the housework is not your problem and it's not every night/weekend then it could be fun? If nothing else it gets you out of a shitload of cleaning.

He's doing this to spite you. Just get some silicon earplugs, lie in and go off on a run. Leave him to it. He needs to clean up, too. Do not do a thing for the guests. Leave it.

Yes of course if he hosts and does everything then on the whole it’s fine.

We do, in Non COVId times have people over for dinner all the time. We have friends to stay often. It’s me that does most of the work. Hence me not wanting it to happen that often. I’m not saying never.

At the moment the only people who have stayed are my parents. Not even close friends I’ve not seen for ages. Hence my ‘dramatics’ at a work colleague of his inviting herself and her son to stay with 24 hours notice. After coming from the US and visiting family all over. Yes very dramatic of me. I should have just put my family at risk for DH’s work colleague 🙄

I think he's a very sociable guy who in these times of Covid and people not going out is missing all of that. He doesn't get it from your point of view as he likes people. To me the main thing is that he can be as social as he likes (within reason obvs!) but any invitation he issues is his to cater and host. You are there in capacity of 'guest' if you are there - though you might top up drinks from the bottle next to you. It's his to cook/buy for, they are his dishes to wash and for overnights his sheets to change.

All of that is far more of a risk to his family than if he takes himself off for the odd socially distanced meal at a restaurant.