OH is obese

[Ughijustdontknow]

He’s never been slender but since quitting smoking when DD was born last year my OH has ballooned. He’s now over 18stone at 6ft (clinically obese) and it’s all on his stomach.

I’m concerned from about his health - he’s an older dad in a stressful job and there’s a high blood pressure in his family so I’m worried about a stroke or heart attack. Worse, his dad has vascular dementia, and I’m anxious OH is heading for a similar fate. I’ve raised the health concerns with him but it’s made no difference. I’m scared of him dying young and having to bring up DD alone, and I don’t feel he’s doing enough to ensure a healthy old age.

But also, I really dislike how he looks and feels at this weight. I find it a real turn-off - it’s not that we never have sex but I do have to be very much in the mood.

I’ve approached his weight as gently as I can, encouraged him to eat more healthily and asked him if he would try doing those 7-minute workouts for a fortnight. He agreed but didn’t do them. I feel vulnerable and frustrated and not listened to and pissed off.

The other night he came onto me and I said I wasn’t in the mood for sex - it was steaming hot, I was sweaty and knackered and just not up for it. He got grumpy (which I recognise is problematic on its own) and said those were excuses and that I’m never in the mood. I thought, fine, I might as well be honest and told him his weight is a big factor for me. Now he’s slept on the couch for two nights and has barely spoken to me.

Was I unreasonable to tell him? Aibu to be so bothered about this? What are my options apart from drop it or ltb? Please be kind.

You're brave OP. Unfortunately on mumsnet you're required to find your husband attractive at any size even grossly overweight. Get your hard hat ready.

YANBU. I say that partners should be absolutely able to talk to each other about weight as long as it's respectful.

He will get over it and hopefully it is the kick he needed. 18 stone is a lot and you are right to worry about his health.

And it's understandable you don't physically fancy him.

Have you openly told him that with his family history you worry, he will die early and leave you and DD alone? In that words?

I think you’ve made a connection between the weight with your sex life now and that has to hurt him. You were only being honest but this is going to be difficult to come back from, nobody likes to hear that they’re too big to be attractive to their partner even when it is true.

Well if your relationship is entirely based on looks then it was inevitably doomed your stated problem of not wanting to raise your child on your own appears your biggest hurdle. Why don't you think you can cope on your own?

@MissBaskinIfYoureNasty

You're brave OP. Unfortunately on mumsnet you're required to find your husband attractive at any size even grossly overweight. Get your hard hat ready.

Only to justify all the sympathy given to overweight women when their husband’s dare voice an opinion on their weight.

Well that's true Pinky, but it is something that he can do something about.

YANBU. I do think older parents (I am one) owe it to their children to reduce the risks of becoming infirm and needing care, or dying before their time if they can.

Oh dear, it’s such a difficult subject, isn’t it. I agree with PP’s that you need your hard hat on when discussing weight on MN!

As has been said may times before on MN, only he can make the changes and he needs to be ready to make them. I think you should apologize for what you said the other night ( because it was hurtful) and go onto explain that you got snappy because you’ve been worrying about him recently due to the health concerns. Your concerns ARE perfectly valid.

My DH is overweight ( not obese yet) as well and I get frustrated with him sometimes. Two years ago, the dr. told him to lose 30lbs...he lost 10 then found it again.😂. I think he’s still roughly his old weight, perhaps slightly less, but no real change. It does worry me and we had a blow-up about it a few weeks ago.

Good luck.

Start going for a walk every evening together? No crap food in the house. Perhaps men only slimming class?

@D4rwin

Well if your relationship is entirely based on looks then it was inevitably doomed your stated problem of not wanting to raise your child on your own appears your biggest hurdle. Why don't you think you can cope on your own?

Weight is not "looks", it's health, comfort, being physically active or not, and in extreme cases the difference between being able bodied and disabled.

I wish we could move away from this narrative that being worried about your or your partner's weight is shallow because you could only possibly be thinking about how it makes you or them look.

YANBU, but it hurts. I think the way it came out was probably not ideal however he was sulking because you didn't want to have sex so tough shit IMO! Extreme weight gain of course has an impact on many people. I would feel the same if it was my DP and would expect him to feel exactly the same in reverse.

I wish we could move away from this narrative that being worried about your or your partner's weight is shallow because you could only possibly be thinking about how it makes you or them look.

Being worried is not the same as not wanting sex anymore. Not in the least. If people say they are worried about their obese partner's health then fair enough. That, however, is not what OP said.

I always wonder what would happen if people stayed slim but just got old? Do people really break up with their partners or stop having a sex life just cos they're wrinkly and saggy like all older people end up being? Or because they went bald? Is it all about the body then when you have sex?

My dh is 20 stone. Recently told him our sex life would be better if both our bellies weren't in the way. (I have a stone or 2 to lose also - thanks covid 19).. If you can't be honest with the man you married what sort of marriage is it?
Imo.

YANBU.
Even though it’s hurtful, you must be honest in a relationship. You’ve already tried to encourage him to loose it and he couldn’t be bothered... so sometimes you need to be cruel to be kind.

I don't think OP should apologise.

I also think that @d4win's post is really unfair. I am obese and god, there is nothing secy on it, unless you are into it. It's the whole package. Breathing heavier, wobble, sweating more... It's absolutely not wrong not to fancy that🤷🏻 The rest about why do you think you can't you do it alone 🙄 nah. The biggest hurdle is the image of being a widow with a daughter who lost parent too early.

It hurts to be told you are obese and must do something. What hurts more is loss of a husband and a father.

@HerNameWasEliza. No, but sex is different when your partner has gained a lot of weight. Positions become more difficult, they’re generally “less athletic” in bed, etc.

Of course, aging does this as well, but an older version of the same body is still roughly similar, whereas a massive stomach getting in the way really isn’t. That’s just my opinion. Sex was better with my DH when he was slimmer.☹️

Secy? Eh. Sexy🤦

Being worried is not the same as not wanting sex anymore.

But being worried could be a reason you're not wanting sex

Your not unreasonable at all. I'm going through the same with my DH. He's 42, has always been large but recently his weight is a problem. He's on medication for High blood pressure and diabetes. He is having trouble maintaining an erection but tbh his size puts me off anyway. I tried bought some sexy nightwear that I know he likes and he said he would have to have Viagra. I totally lost interest at that. I had a heart to heart and said all his medical problems are caused by weight, he shouldn't be relying on the medication. Maybe offer to diet with him or have a plan together. That's what I'm currently doing with mine

Also. There are studies showing increased risk of diabetes in people who stop smoking. Worth a look btw.

I know. I have one of these. At one point when slim and running regularly he had some
Anxiety attacks about having a heart condition ( his Dad died of a heart attack) . Full medical later, which cost us a bomb, plus a treadmill heart test and he got a clear bill of health. Few years later quite a bit of weight gain and on a doctors health MOT he was told he had high cholesterol. Made big impressive changes back to his old healthy ways, but they've slipped and no weight has been lost. He says he wants to get to 16 stone, so not sure what he weighs, but in response he calls me too boney. I'm at the higher end of a healthy weigh and could do with losing some more myself so I know it's hard, but I have lost weight since had a baby recently.

I find the weight unattractive as he seems big to hug and blobby. There is something about it will makes me think yuck fat old man. I mean I'm older now too. He is totally in denial though, as will say oh I've lost some weight don't you think ? When he looks giant and hasn't. It is a tough one.

Well, as you've opened that door, you might be best to see his choices. He'll either change himself, ask for help, respond with some home truths of his own or ignore it and try to move on.

A secondary issue but is his BP being treated with medication until he can lose the weight.

Good luck.

The OP is allowed to have boundaries about having sex. She shouldn't have to have sex if she feels repulsed FFS.

It's his overeating causing this problem. It's not OP's fault.

YANBU. I love my DP very much but I am not attracted to overweight men. Obviously if it was a result from illness/disability then that is completely different, but if he put on that much weight he is now obese, from overeating and being lazy then I would not be physically attracted to him. So I dont think you are wrong in mentioning it gently. I'm not saying I would dump DP immediately if he got bigger but I would have to let him know how I feel.

It is a tricky subject though, people are overweight for many reasons, plenty valid.

YANBU. It is for his own good. I expect it will give him the kick start he needs.

YANBU to be worried about his weight and want him to lose it...it's a shame that it had to be raised in the context of attraction rather than concern about his health, but if he was getting grumpy I can see how it would happen.

I am sure he is worried about it too and that is why he has reacted like this. I would go to him and be soothing about what happened, say that although what you said was in part true you are mainly very concerned about his health (which may also be affecting how attracted you are to him if you feel he is being reckless).

Try to remember OP, you cannot lose weight doing exercise here and there or even for a couple of hours a day. You cannot outrun a bad diet. Exercise can help by increasing calories burnt but to lose weight he will need to change his eating consistently. Be ready to support him in his efforts to meal plan, weigh all ingredients, cope with stress eating etc if that is what it takes. He may initially be able to lose a bit without weighing everything, it depends on where his eating is going wrong.

You say he isn't doing enough to 'ensure a healthy old age'. I am surprised you typed that, I couldn't. Optimise his chances of a healthy old age yes, but no one can ensure it. Don't kid yourself. Even the most high exercising and healthy eating lean machines....get struck down with cancer, heart attacks etc....I know you know this but that you could type what you did indicates you haven't fullŷ taken it on board.