OH is obese

[Ughijustdontknow]

He’s never been slender but since quitting smoking when DD was born last year my OH has ballooned. He’s now over 18stone at 6ft (clinically obese) and it’s all on his stomach.

I’m concerned from about his health - he’s an older dad in a stressful job and there’s a high blood pressure in his family so I’m worried about a stroke or heart attack. Worse, his dad has vascular dementia, and I’m anxious OH is heading for a similar fate. I’ve raised the health concerns with him but it’s made no difference. I’m scared of him dying young and having to bring up DD alone, and I don’t feel he’s doing enough to ensure a healthy old age.

But also, I really dislike how he looks and feels at this weight. I find it a real turn-off - it’s not that we never have sex but I do have to be very much in the mood.

I’ve approached his weight as gently as I can, encouraged him to eat more healthily and asked him if he would try doing those 7-minute workouts for a fortnight. He agreed but didn’t do them. I feel vulnerable and frustrated and not listened to and pissed off.

The other night he came onto me and I said I wasn’t in the mood for sex - it was steaming hot, I was sweaty and knackered and just not up for it. He got grumpy (which I recognise is problematic on its own) and said those were excuses and that I’m never in the mood. I thought, fine, I might as well be honest and told him his weight is a big factor for me. Now he’s slept on the couch for two nights and has barely spoken to me.

Was I unreasonable to tell him? Aibu to be so bothered about this? What are my options apart from drop it or ltb? Please be kind.

You have told him that you find him undesirable at the very moment he wanted to have sex.. You picked the worst possible moment. I don't know how would any marriage recover from that
this is true and not that 2 wrongs make a right...but he is hardly innocent here, got grumpy and implied that she has to service his needs despite her lack of desire ...didnt he?

How weird, it's OK for women to obsess and basically starve themselves but an 18 stone man has to be tip toed around.

@mintyfreshh

People don't generally get fat because they are lazy or don't care about themselves. Most, and I'm talking way over 90%, get fat because they are: poor, ill, genetically disposed to be that way.

The issues are societal. So addressing inequalities in society, making sure there is decent access to healthcare, nutritious food. Aim your judgement higher than the DH's husband.

Sorry but I don’t believe this. I know plenty of rich, healthy (as in, no illness) fat men who were slim in their twenties. They just enjoy good food and alcohol and don’t exercise except for golfing 1-2 a week.

Oddly I am realizing I don’t know any very overweight women, some a bit overweight but not the same level than the men.

Slap his belly, say ''When's it Due?''...or: ''?You have bigger boobs than ME''..

It isn't easy...Fat men are not as attractive compared to their slimmer selves.

Slimness is a valued thing..Like it or not.

I hope your DH has the willpower to lose weight..

@mintyfreshh

Well then, *@AskingforaBaskin*, your DH deserves better

No actually. I deserve a husband who takes care of himself. Is am responsible enough to maintain himself and identify issues that he has. And I also have a right to only have sex with people I find attractive.

Some people are really into obesity. I am not.

Still waiting for that proof of the 90%+ claim btw.

We'll be waiting a very long time because it's utter horseshit.

@SchrodingersImmigrant

Still waiting for that proof of the 90%+ claim btw.

We'll be waiting a very long time because it's utter horseshit

Indeed it is. Shall I put the kettle on while we wait?

18 stone! That's heavy! Surely its normal to find such weight gain not sexually attractive?

To those saying ''FaT Is GeNeTiC''
There is a programme about a grotesquely overweight man, and genetically /metabolically he was no different to a slender person...He just troughed too much food... and didn't exercise.

He was not a pleasant person, either. Aggressive to his DP . She aided and abetted his eating.

I didn't become fat through laziness. The fatphobia on this thread is really upsetting.

I agree, @mintyfreshh. "Blobby" has come up a few times which just sounds horrible.

OP, it's not unreasonable to speak to your husband about his weight. I would apologise to him, since you were feeling under pressure and could perhaps have been more sensitive. However, your concerns are valid and he should be aware of them.

I imagine that, once you are obese, it's not as simple as being "too greedy" and "lazy" to lose the weight. We are faced with myriad choices daily when it comes to food and, if you have a lot of weight to lose, it can feel overwhelming. Kindness and support is likely to be the best way forward here; small changes that don't eliminate the pleasure that food can bring.

There are double standards on this thread, but not because the OP is not attracted to her husband on account of his size. There's a world of difference between "I love you, I'm worried about you, I think you need to lose weight and I'm here to support you" and "Who ate all the pies?" Which is the sort of comment women come on here to report.

It’s not nice getting in to bed with some one your not attracted to. Worrying about them having an early death and the impact it will have on your kids. Getting annoyed that they will just not try and take of themselves and that their weight is having a detriment effect on your relationship even though they know. Battling with the idea that your supposed to not see what they are turning in to physically and look past it in to their ‘hearts’ even though they have changed from what they physically looked like from when you were attracted to them. Going through the whole area you depressed? I can cook you prep meals ect..

OP if your still on this thread - nothing you can say or do will make them lose weight. Nothing. I’ve been there. Got the t-shirt. My ex only started to lose weight after I left. Fell off him. Gym every morning. I mean he isn’t going to get a girlfriend at 21 stone is he? Got to make an effort with a new one!

Oh god, imagine if a man wrote on here "I don't want to have sex with my wife anymore because she's 18 stone". He'd be called every name under the sun, and then be told that the woman might have PCOS/underactive thyroid/depression and he should find her attractive no matter what.

I would hope not. Nobody should ever have be coerced into sex they don't want.

It's all on the belly? When this happened to my uncle, his liver was starting to fail. We thought he'd just gotten into the candy dish a few too many times and felt really awful for not bringing it up when he ended up on the transplant list.

Thankfully, he's fine now a few years later, but that's after a failed transplant followed by a successful one, and more time in and out of hospitals than any person should have to endure.

The majority of adults that are overweight or obese: 67% of men and 60% of women. 90% of that figure did not reach that by being poor, ill or genetically disposed to be that way.

And while we wait with the brew we can return to the original question.

@Ughijustdontknow sorry about that. Imho, as a size 20 woman, he is butt hurt. I was when my denial finally died a brutal death.

If I were you, I let him sulk a day more and then approach it as an adult point by point.
No means no.
I am sorry it came out that way, but sadly, it is true
I worry about you and I worry about dd and I ending up alone.
We can work on it together.

You can’t help what attracts you to a person. I prefer big beefy men and happily married one. I am not attracted to blondes or thin men. I can’t change my preferences nor do I want to.

I think it’s ok to be honest with the person you’re married to.

It’s similar to me and DH we are older parents and he’s always been big but he’s got bigger over the years. He has had high blood pressure since he was 40 and got diagnosed with type 2 diabetes last year aged 48. I keep trying to get him to come for a walk or bike ride with me and our 8 year old DD but he never will. He does no exercise. I can understand it when he’s been working and is tired but he often gets six days off and will still do nothing, it is starting to annoy me a bit.

People don't generally get fat because they are lazy or don't care about themselves. Most, and I'm talking way over 90%, get fat because they are: poor, ill, genetically disposed to be that way.

I'm sorry what? That's total bollocks that you've clearly made up. Most people are obese because they overeat and/or don't exercise, whether due to habit, comfort eating, laziness, mental health issues, being born in a fat family and not knowing different, e.t.c. Please provide proof for this 90% statistic created out of thin air.

I think you were right to be honest with him, even if it did come out that way. He must have been wondering if the lack of sex was related to his weight gain (who wouldn’t?).
I’d wait for him to be ready to talk, apologise for the way it came out and then ask him what he wants to do to try and change. The onus should be on him.

Well he’s entitled to be whatever weight he wants, you’re entitled to not find it attractive. I guess if he was at least trying to do something about it you might be more in the mood. But quite frankly the laziness in itself would be enough of a turnoff for me

Dh can weigh what he wants but I am not obliged to have him squashing me while he bangs away!!
If he wants sex it need to be a pleasure not an endurance test..

I don't really get that @Feralkidsatthecampsite

My ex was a very heavy man. Very tall but muscly, not fat. Weighed about 19 stone. My current partner weighs about 11 1/2 stone. Current one squashes me more just due to his finding it harder to keep his weight off me. You are not obliged to have anyone do anything to you but in reality squashing you is not that much related to someone's size and even if I was with a 9 stone guy, I'd not want all his weight on me.

As posted up thread my dh is 20 stone. I told him sex would be better without his belly. And mine also..

There are double standards on this thread, but not because the OP is not attracted to her husband on account of his size. There's a world of difference between "I love you, I'm worried about you, I think you need to lose weight and I'm here to support you" and "Who ate all the pies?" Which is the sort of comment women come on here to report.

Yes, but it's also closer to what OP said to her OH than the first comment. Which is why people are calling double standards.