Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

OH is obese

171 replies

Ughijustdontknow · 14/08/2020 15:02

He’s never been slender but since quitting smoking when DD was born last year my OH has ballooned. He’s now over 18stone at 6ft (clinically obese) and it’s all on his stomach.

I’m concerned from about his health - he’s an older dad in a stressful job and there’s a high blood pressure in his family so I’m worried about a stroke or heart attack. Worse, his dad has vascular dementia, and I’m anxious OH is heading for a similar fate. I’ve raised the health concerns with him but it’s made no difference. I’m scared of him dying young and having to bring up DD alone, and I don’t feel he’s doing enough to ensure a healthy old age.

But also, I really dislike how he looks and feels at this weight. I find it a real turn-off - it’s not that we never have sex but I do have to be very much in the mood.

I’ve approached his weight as gently as I can, encouraged him to eat more healthily and asked him if he would try doing those 7-minute workouts for a fortnight. He agreed but didn’t do them. I feel vulnerable and frustrated and not listened to and pissed off.

The other night he came onto me and I said I wasn’t in the mood for sex - it was steaming hot, I was sweaty and knackered and just not up for it. He got grumpy (which I recognise is problematic on its own) and said those were excuses and that I’m never in the mood. I thought, fine, I might as well be honest and told him his weight is a big factor for me. Now he’s slept on the couch for two nights and has barely spoken to me.

Was I unreasonable to tell him? Aibu to be so bothered about this? What are my options apart from drop it or ltb? Please be kind.

OP posts:
Inkpaperstars · 14/08/2020 15:57

Also, put it in terms of how important he is to you and Dd.

Does his work offer a health assessment through private healthcare? If not, could you pay for one? Or at the least encourage him to see his GP. The assessment might be better just as you can choose one that will look at weight, heart health, metabolic issues etc....seeing it all laid out like that might help him focus on the issues.

Snorlax86 · 14/08/2020 15:57

I think it’s always a bit hurtful that your partner doesn’t find you attractive/sexy.

Perhaps doing exercise together starting with walks, having healthy foods only at home /cutting back on alcohol etc may help.

I don’t think there’s any harm in saying sorry for perhaps bruising his ego but explaining the concerns and that you’re there to support him and work on it together.

Doingmybest4u · 14/08/2020 15:57

Tricky one - he’s given up smoking which is a huge positive, but the payoff is the weight gain. Have you tried to tell him you feel scared and vulnerable? And that’s it’s his health that you’re worried about (rather than focusing on the weight)? In reality, the impact on your attraction to him is only a side issue to your real concern.
I am in a similar position (and have been for the last 18 months). The only thing that has worked is my DH actually wanting to do something about his weight and committing to it for him (I think this is the advice that most people who have struggled with their weight give - they have to want to commit to changing their health or how they look to themselves). My OH also has a high pressured job and high PB - he’s also refound the stone he lost. Very very tricky. Sending love and best wishes

1forAll74 · 14/08/2020 15:57

I would be worried if I had a man who was very overweight. The health worries would worry me,and they would definitely be prevalent at some stage in life.

And fat blobby men look very unnatractive, even though they might have a jolly persona and other attributes..

A lot of very overweight men don't seem to care about getting fitter, or maybe lack the incentive to tackle things.They think they are fine and ok to do anything, including sex.

BlogTheBlogger · 14/08/2020 15:57

Oh lordy, the mental image of an obese, sweaty man getting it on in this heat...no way. Even less attractive that he is a sulker too. Wonder what HE feels IS attractive about any of that?

Gomezzz · 14/08/2020 16:00

I think it's unfair to bring it up in relation to attraction. Even if you then lose weight that is going to be stuck in your head, I wouldn't want to be in a relationship like that. I think talking about it terms of health, mobility, feeling comfortable is all fair enough and important.

SchrodingersImmigrant · 14/08/2020 16:01

Op did first bring it up as health though. Eventually these things blow up and feelings may get hurt.

Hickorydickoryspock · 14/08/2020 16:02

Yanbu to be worried but it was unreasonable to link it to sex and make him feel like he's sexually unattractive... even if that's true it was said out of anger and isnt productive.. he shouldn't have been pressuring you for sex in the first place after you said no to be fair.... but there were more appropriate times you couldve brought his weight up. That was a pretty nasty thing to do altho what he did was also nasty...
I think you may need to apologise for that sex comment but make it clear you are very worried about his health and try and have a calm discussion with him about things you could do and changes to his diet and lifestyle he could make...

Skyliner001 · 14/08/2020 16:03

YANBU

WhereamI88 · 14/08/2020 16:03

I think being told no to sex because of weight is quite hurtful. But the reality is you didn't feel like it and he kept pushing it which can drive you mental. I know my ex used to push and insist and make statements like "oh you never want it" bla bla bla which pushed me to say things I didn't mean to say sometimes. So there's a few issues going on there. I think you should apologise for saying that, reassure him that you still love him but that you also expect an apology for him insisting when you already said no. Sex is not something that can you can cajole someone into or bargain over it.

I have to say, when I was with ex, I thought all men were like that, as in insisting on sex, getting grumpy when i said no etc. Current DP has never once pushed for sex, not ever. He'll suggest it but if I don't respond the same way or say I'm just too tired today, he gives me a kiss and we keep watching tv, gets a snack, whatever, he's not hurt in the slightest and no big deal at all. It actually makes me want him more because there isn't that looming threat of someone being grumpy just because I dared to express my feelings. It's a revelatiom really.

dadshere · 14/08/2020 16:05

It is perfectly reasonable to let him know that you no longer find him attractive if he has let himself become obese. Can you offer to diet with him so that it is not just him 'suffering'?

Dashel · 14/08/2020 16:05

Being blunt I wouldn’t fancy my DH if he put on 3 stone and he wouldn’t fancy me if I put on 3 stone. A few pounds is to be expected and different.

What I think a lot of posters get annoyed about is the double standards of a male putting on a couple of stone and then moaning that their wife isn’t attractive anymore as she has also put on a couple of stone, but they don’t think they need to diet but their wife does.

Inkpaperstars · 14/08/2020 16:06

If he is a man in his 50s (just guessing from you saying older dad but if younger this applies too) Covid is also a motivation. It will have been giving up making it harder for him, to be fair he did well to do that. A man totally unconcerned about his health doesn't bother to give up smoking.

Skyliner001 · 14/08/2020 16:06

Pressed send too soon, although you aren't being unreasonable, I can imagine why he feels really hurt.

MikeUniformMike · 14/08/2020 16:10

LTB

ancientgran · 14/08/2020 16:11

Of course, aging does this as well, but an older version of the same body is still roughly similar, whereas a massive stomach getting in the way really isn’t. Fortunately my massive belly when I was pregnant with a 10lb plus baby didn't put my husband off and it didn't seem to get in the way. Where there's a will there's a way.

AnneLovesGilbert · 14/08/2020 16:13

I think it’s always a bit hurtful that your partner doesn’t find you attractive/sexy.

It’s also hurtful when your partner cares more about food than making an effort to maintain their health and appearance.

Redlocks30 · 14/08/2020 16:16

I feel exactly the same way, except my DH is shorter than yours so probably even bigger.

He has no filter when it comes to food-he just seems to inhale it and then it’s gone. It makes eating a meal out together really unpleasant as it feels like I’m eating on my own.

His clothes don’t fit and I am constantly looking at arse crack or stomach overhang. And so is everyone else. It’s deeply unattractive and I don’t care anymore if I sound like a cow. It feels like he just doesn’t care. He says he doesn’t want new clothes, he needs to lose weight, but as he down the-the rest of us have to look at vast expanses of hanging flab-I think it’s horrible. Because his stomach is so big, his trousers don’t stay up properly.

Sex is virtually impossible-his stomach is so big, it physically stops him getting close enough when he’s on top. He love me being on top, but I think that’s so he doesn’t have to do much -it feels like he is really lazy now.

WFH hasn’t helped -he barely moves and eats shite.

I don’t know the answer Op. I cook healthily and none of the rest of us are overweight. He eats cereal and toast late at night, buys chocolate and has no portion control. I’ve suggested going to WW together, doing it online, going for walks together, but nothing works. He needs to want to lose weight as otherwise he just eats when he thinks nobody is looking.

I haven’t said anything about the sex yet, but I think I might. That will really hurt him, but I think it’s important he knows. I can’t spend the rest of my life having sex with someone who I need to google ‘sex positions for obese men’ for.

SchrodingersImmigrant · 14/08/2020 16:18

@ancientgran

Of course, aging does this as well, but an older version of the same body is still roughly similar, whereas a massive stomach getting in the way really isn’t. Fortunately my massive belly when I was pregnant with a 10lb plus baby didn't put my husband off and it didn't seem to get in the way. Where there's a will there's a way.
Bit different AND temporary situation...
PutThemInTheIronMaiden · 14/08/2020 16:21

YANBU but I'd like to bookmark this for when a female OP says "After having two children and no time to exercise my DP now says he has been withholding sex because he no longer finds me attractive due to my weight gain".

Girlzroolz · 14/08/2020 16:24

Enjoy your cool quiet nights in an empty bed, then when he wants to come back tell him that sulking is even less sexy than obesity.

HerNameWasEliza · 14/08/2020 16:25

*@HerNameWasEliza. No, but sex is different when your partner has gained a lot of weight. Positions become more difficult, they’re generally “less athletic” in bed, etc.

Of course, aging does this as well, but an older version of the same body is still roughly similar, whereas a massive stomach getting in the way really isn’t. That’s just my opinion. Sex was better with my DH when he was slimmer*

I am married to a now older man with a BMI of 21 (always been slim). I can assure you that all this happens regardless of size! He is much less athletic etc now. I still fancy him though I am aware he is no Adonis and no-one would buy a pin up of him. I guess that's the difference between lust and love. Lust does not survive superficial changes but love does.

Honestly I can see why OP said what she said as her OP was sulking and pestering her. But if it were me the relationship would now be over. There would be no recovering from that sort of declaration. I suspect that this relationship is over really and they have just not yet both realised it yet.

CaptainCabinets · 14/08/2020 16:25

Vulnerable was a strange choice of word to use in that context, what did you mean?

carlablack · 14/08/2020 16:26

The best way to get a loved one to do the right thing is to set an example. After 5 years of marriage, my DH went from overweight smoker to an advocate of healthy living; with minimal pressure from my side.

But it's vital that you do what you expect him to do. As you change before his very eyes, mentally and physically, you will be a constant source of inspiration. Do you have any unhealthy habits?

whataboutbob · 14/08/2020 16:30

My husband put on about a stone around 50 and only wised up when he saw a picture of himself taken at Christmas. That was the kick up the backside he needed, he dusted down his mountain bike and was off every weekend, he lost all the weight. Maybe engineer having a pic of him lying around? It’s a cliche but it’s true, He really has to decide to do it for himself.