OH is obese

[Ughijustdontknow]

He’s never been slender but since quitting smoking when DD was born last year my OH has ballooned. He’s now over 18stone at 6ft (clinically obese) and it’s all on his stomach.

I’m concerned from about his health - he’s an older dad in a stressful job and there’s a high blood pressure in his family so I’m worried about a stroke or heart attack. Worse, his dad has vascular dementia, and I’m anxious OH is heading for a similar fate. I’ve raised the health concerns with him but it’s made no difference. I’m scared of him dying young and having to bring up DD alone, and I don’t feel he’s doing enough to ensure a healthy old age.

But also, I really dislike how he looks and feels at this weight. I find it a real turn-off - it’s not that we never have sex but I do have to be very much in the mood.

I’ve approached his weight as gently as I can, encouraged him to eat more healthily and asked him if he would try doing those 7-minute workouts for a fortnight. He agreed but didn’t do them. I feel vulnerable and frustrated and not listened to and pissed off.

The other night he came onto me and I said I wasn’t in the mood for sex - it was steaming hot, I was sweaty and knackered and just not up for it. He got grumpy (which I recognise is problematic on its own) and said those were excuses and that I’m never in the mood. I thought, fine, I might as well be honest and told him his weight is a big factor for me. Now he’s slept on the couch for two nights and has barely spoken to me.

Was I unreasonable to tell him? Aibu to be so bothered about this? What are my options apart from drop it or ltb? Please be kind.

I must admit that I am morbidly obese and my late husband was too. However, I loved him dearly and still fancied him. Sex was difficult but we persevered and laughed about it.

However, he died at 48 of a pulmonary embolism brought on by a DVT caused by a sedentary lifestyle. It was totally unexpected and i miss him dreadfully, still. This was Christmas 2014. But I'm still massively overweight and severely depressed. It's very hard to make the necessary changes to lifestyle, although I am currently in the process of clearing the garage in preparation for an exercise bike.

Please wish me luck.

OP be gentle with him, he might feel that you no longer love him. Just tell him you're scared he will die. It will be a difficult conversation, but hopefully one that will work. I bitterly regret not having the same with my OH, maybe he'd still be alive.

He got grumpy (which I recognise is problematic on its own) and said those were excuses and that I’m never in the mood. I thought, fine, I might as well be honest and told him his weight is a big factor for me. Now he’s slept on the couch for two nights and has barely spoken to me.

No matter what you said, that is not on at all. Anyone can turn down sex for any reason they like, if the other person acts in a negative way then they’re a bit of a twat. To then ramp it up even more by sulking for two days is awful.

Tell him to stop sulking before he knackers your sofa!

I think your DH deserves some credit for giving up the fags. That in itself is not easy to do. However him sulking because you didn’t want sex is not on and I don’t blame you for hitting him with the truth when he pushed for it. Let him sulk, it will give him time to reflect on his life choices.

Thank you for so many compassionate, constructive responses - I was bracing myself for a total flaming. It is such a complicated sensitive subject and I’m sorry to @mintyfreshh and anyone else who is upset by the thread.

Several PPs have picked up on this happening after he quit smoking - this was a major achievement for him and I’m grateful, since the health impacts are even worse.

Some PPs have questioned my use the word “vulnerable” - I feel that a substantial part of my future happiness, and that of our DD, rests on his decisions in this area and there is not much I can do about this. It is not an empowering feeling.

I agree with those who said my timing, tying it to sex, was crappy and hurtful, and I regret that. But I also think my framing the conversation only around health comes across as disingenuous sometimes, as it’s also about attraction and I think he already suspected that.

@AmberAndAlexsMum I am sorry for your loss and wish you the very best.

Yes, but it's also closer to what OP said to her OH than the first comment. Which is why people are calling double standards.

True, but he was trying to guilt-trip her into having sex at the time. I don't think that's the same.

Lots of luck *@AmberAndAlexsMum and I am sorry for your loss.

Come and join us on the Lose it! Thread.

I have lost 9lbs since May as I started couch to 5K. I finished the programme and still run every other day. Today I ran six km. I a, doing intermittent fasting and eat 12.30-8.30pm. It is hard at times as I am intolerant to loads of stuff but today, for the first time ever in my life, I felt body confident.

@SunshineCake 🏅 for injecting positivity and good job! Hope @AmberAndAlexsMum will join you. Sorry for your loss @Amber
I am down 3 stone by cal counting and following salivating over Joe Wicks😂

Good luck!

3 stone!!! *@SchrodingersImmigrant that is amazing. I can't do CC so I won't be as good as you and I can't face JW as while I appreciate he did a lovely, good thing, I can't bare / bear??? him as a person.

Good luck to all of you trying to lose weight and simultaneously get fit. I'm going to try the couch to 5K.

OP good luck with your OH. I was the same with my OH when he got increasingly fat/obese. Not helped by the fact he was drinking all the time and snoring so I couldn't even share the bed. However I should have spoken up and told him.

You should perhaps not have told yours at that point but sitting him down and saying why you're concerned for his health and why it matters would help?

I have seen hundreds of threads about this on here over the years. From both the slim partner and the obese partners’ perspectives. In all those years the argument has never been squared. It’s just a fact that when your partner’s appearance changes significantly for the worse, you are unlikely to fancy them as much, if at all. It’s hurtful to acknowledge but it’s true.

There was a thread on here the other day where a woman had suffered significant hair loss and during a jokey back and forth with her husband he let slip a really cruel comment about her hair loss which betrayed his true feelings about it. He tried to backtrack but the cat was out of the bag.

With obesity you might still love your partner but you cannot help what you find sexually attractive. And you cannot force yourself to find something sexually attractive when you naturally do not. Why should you? The idea of forcing yourself to have sexual with someone to spare their feelings is abhorrent.

I would not fancy my husband if he became obese. I would still love him, but it would be unattractive to me. And I absolutely expect he would say the same.

It’s not nice to face up to, but what else is the alternative? Lie back and think of England? Have a sexless marriage for the rest of your life?

@SunshineCake

3 stone!!! *@SchrodingersImmigrant** that is amazing. I can't do CC so I won't be as good as you and I can't face JW as while I appreciate he did a lovely, good thing, I can't bare / bear??? him as a person.

Don't listen to him😂 Just watch😂 Thank you. You did really well too! Everyone needs something different to work. I am pretty big so I needed to crack on

“Excuses”?

You don’t need an excuse to refuse to consent to sex.

If you don’t want sex that is your ABSOLUTE right, married or not!

What is this, 1990?

.

Op I get it and agree with the poster who said that couples should be able to discuss weight gain. Let's be honest here, being obese is extremely unhealthy and we should not be making excuses for it and accepting it.

My partner also put on a lot of weight at one point and we spoke about it honestly. He's lost it all again now through lots of exercise and I'm incredibly proud of him. I never told him at the time that I didn't find him as attractive but since he's lost it I've told him I fancy him even more than ever.

If I was you I'd approach it more from a health angle and try and go on that journey with him as much as possible. Eat better together, exercise together and don't have unhealthy food in the house. He will feel so much better in himself once he's lost it.

To add to this he's also told me when I've put on weight and let myself go a bit. Looking after yourself and each other is important and that means being honest at points, just be kind about it.

In the ideal world we'd be attracted to our partners no matter what and we wouldn't have to have difficult conversations like the one you had with your dh. I think speaking about the lack attraction to him because of his weight was harsh and must have hurt him but on a personal level I do understand. My dh is very obese and has struggled with his weight from 3 years old onward. He was allowed to over eat massively as a child and no one thought to ration what he was eating during his entire childhood. As a result he has been massively overweight on and off throughout his entire adult life. He's actually lost ten stone 3 times in the last 25 years but it's a constant battle for him, especially as he's an emotional eater and will eat constantly and badly when under stress. He finds making good food choices very difficult.

He's 6 foot and at his heaviest he was 30 stone. I worry constantly about him and his health and I have repeatedly asked him to lose weight because I don't want to be a widow and I don't want our children to be fatherless. I am still very attracted to him because he has a brilliant personality and makes me laugh all of the time, but we don't have sex often because he finds it hard due to his size. We have had many open discussions about his weight and how he needs to be healthier but it does hurt his feelings because no one wants to hear their partner criticising their body, even when it's health related concern. I feel so sorry for my dh, as this is a constant battle for him, but I also want my dh to healthy and alive and so I have to have these conversations with him.

I've been on the 'slim side' of this. DH was 19st at 6ft, it had just piled on over years. He had no self-control when it came to food.

I felt guilty every time I thought he was 'fat' and unattractive, because I desperately love him but the fact was he was obese. Then I realised one day, it wasn't the fat that I found unattractive so much as the attitude behind it. I didn't miss him being slim (well, I did), but more so i missed him having pride in himself, and caring about himself. Slobbing on the sofa with his belly hanging out did look disgusting, because he just didn't care. I'm just saying this because there's more to it than fat=unattractive, it's when you know they could be but just don't care enough to be.

After years treading on eggshells because I didn't want to upset him, I broached it as health concerns over covid (which was true), but put the emphasis on the attitude being unattractive rather than his appearance. It finally gave him the kick up the bum he needed, especially when he looked at covid risk stats.

He's found my fitness pal worked for him to calorie count, is now down below 16st and genuinely finding his habits have changed. But I fully recognise we've been lucky that he saw the need himself - it really can't be forced.

YANBU OP but it is a really tough position to be in.

I'm sorry. But I think you have absolutely done the wrong thing saying this to him. He will never forget it. Even if he loses weight etc it will always be in the back of his mind that you said you didn't fancy him, and he will always wonder if you still don't. It's a bit like telling someone they smell. You can't ever take back the seed you have planted. You would have been wiser to simply work with him to try and encourage him to lose weight. I hope your marriage can recover, I really do, but some things should never be said out loud.

I think some posters missed the part of op where she said she tried gently
This sounds like it just culminated into the situation and pestering set it off.

Tough shit basically he needs to get his act together and start paying some attention to how he looks for his wife. Pretty sure what the beginning of your relationship he will have made an effort. Now you're expected to limber up and shag a morbidly obese bloke?! No thanks!

Imagine if this was the other way round! Yes worry about him etc but that's not on telling him you basically won't have sex with him because of his size. No one will put the effort to lose weight being told something like that, there's a better time to talk about it without being so blunt in the bedroom. Also it will take him time to lose weight, he isn't going to become sexually attractive to you overnight.
Poor bloke, yes he's clinically obese but the way you are talking won't help him at all. The unfortunate thing is he has to have the willpower himself, if you love him you will be there for him. He isn't 600lb is he, give him a chance and work with him. God forbid you put on a good few stone and he says the same to you in the bedroom lol. Marriage shouldn't be based on looks alone, basically you are doomed really

@D4rwin

Well if your relationship is entirely based on looks then it was inevitably doomed your stated problem of not wanting to raise your child on your own appears your biggest hurdle. Why don't you think you can cope on your own?

Don’t think OP was saying that. However much you love your DH, it isn’t an alluring thought to have a sweaty , fat , panting bloke on top of you. He should be asking himself why she isn’t keen on having sex with him, and how it will affect his family if he becomes ill.

@Redlocks30
I haven’t said anything about the sex yet, but I think I might. That will really hurt him, but I think it’s important he knows. I can’t spend the rest of my life having sex with someone who I need to google ‘sex positions for obese men’ for.

This really resonated with me, especially the Googling part. It’s frustrating isn’t it? I really want to be attracted to him again.

This thread is an eye opener!
Dh's extra weight doesn't put me off. I don't weigh what I did pre marriage either!