OH is obese

[Ughijustdontknow]

He’s never been slender but since quitting smoking when DD was born last year my OH has ballooned. He’s now over 18stone at 6ft (clinically obese) and it’s all on his stomach.

I’m concerned from about his health - he’s an older dad in a stressful job and there’s a high blood pressure in his family so I’m worried about a stroke or heart attack. Worse, his dad has vascular dementia, and I’m anxious OH is heading for a similar fate. I’ve raised the health concerns with him but it’s made no difference. I’m scared of him dying young and having to bring up DD alone, and I don’t feel he’s doing enough to ensure a healthy old age.

But also, I really dislike how he looks and feels at this weight. I find it a real turn-off - it’s not that we never have sex but I do have to be very much in the mood.

I’ve approached his weight as gently as I can, encouraged him to eat more healthily and asked him if he would try doing those 7-minute workouts for a fortnight. He agreed but didn’t do them. I feel vulnerable and frustrated and not listened to and pissed off.

The other night he came onto me and I said I wasn’t in the mood for sex - it was steaming hot, I was sweaty and knackered and just not up for it. He got grumpy (which I recognise is problematic on its own) and said those were excuses and that I’m never in the mood. I thought, fine, I might as well be honest and told him his weight is a big factor for me. Now he’s slept on the couch for two nights and has barely spoken to me.

Was I unreasonable to tell him? Aibu to be so bothered about this? What are my options apart from drop it or ltb? Please be kind.

I hear you OP my DH is the same height and 20 stone. It has already affected his health and it does affect our sex life because, to put it bluntly, his stomach gets in the way. But you can't make them see sense. We have had frank discussions about my concerns for his health, he shrugs and says he has accepted that he won't make old bones. If he moans I'm spending a lot of time on my hobbies, which tbf he doesn't often, I just remind him I expect to be a younger widow and need to keep my social life going. He can't do things he wants to but that still isn't incentive enough for him to address his unhealthy relationship with food so I just have to accept that is how it is and get on with life.

YANBU. I wouldn't fancy my husband anymore if he got obese. And I'm sure he'd say the same about me.

Also the general not caring about his health would annoy me to and the lack of ambition to do anything about it.

If it was down to being ill, I'd support him and help him get fit/loose weight. But if it was purely down to greed - I'd feel annoyed.

Is there any chance you'd be able to gradually improve his eating habits by making nutritious meals and limiting the amount of junk food getting into the house? I've found this a lot easier during this coronavirus crisis as I now only do one shop a week and make sure the fridge and freezer are stuffed with healthy stuff. We do have some rubbishy "treats" but it's not so haphazard as before as there's no access to extra stuff. Once it's gone it's gone! Also a think an apology followed by a heart to heart may help.

My exh put on so much weight. I’d met him when he was slim and healthy and he very quickly put on weight and had stretch marks all over his stomach from it and was very unhealthy

I didn’t find him attractive at all at that size

YANBU.

Firstly as the pp said, you cannot outrun a bad diet. Exercise should be an addition but 90% of his weight is his food intake.

Who does the food shop and the cooking? If it’s you, do not buy treats and plan healthy meals where you can control the portion sizes.

Could be clever here with the above and say it’s for you/the family benefit too? Say you’re worried about all of your sugar/crap food intake and think you all need to eat cleaner. I assume that you are at a normal weight so leading by example here, without negative comments (you’ve been very patient it seems so far) will hopefully help him to see this as a positive.

I’m completely with you on what you’ve done here. I couldn’t be with someone who was that large and I don’t envy your position now.

And he didn’t want to help himself despite knowing how obese he had become

He actually ah the cheek to start calling me fat and telling me that I was a turn off (at size 10)

Do not take responsibility for you partners weight loss or join in with him, it will end in disaster. Only true change can come from him.

The sex life thing aside, 18st with a stressful job and blood pressure problems in the family is an absolute recipe for disaster!! Would he consider a visit to the GP, sometimes when its all laid out in front of him it may shock him into action.

I do agree that if we're sympathetic to OP here then we should be more sympathetic to men who say this to their female OHs. There is a difference between loving someone and automatically finding them attractive, and you can't help it if something turns you off. If it does, you shouldn't be cruel, but I also don't think you should have to grit your teeth and go through the motions of sex when you're not into it.

Ultimately if you don't fancy him this overweight and don't want sex, that's your reality and what he does about it is for him to decide - lose weight and be more healthy, or potentially it's the end of the relationship if he doesn't want to do that and the no sex is a dealbreaker.

The same should be true the other way round too. Relationships are complicated. Some people do adore and fancy their partner at any size - but maybe something else would be a killer turn-off, like growing a beard or having a tattoo all over their face. With weight, it might depend on the cause - as some PPs have indicated, laziness, greed or not caring about your health make it worse for them.

If weight is a turn off, you have to deal with that situation as it is. But I do think if you say men should always automatically love and fancy their partner at any size, then you should say the same for women - and I don't think it would be true for me. (Depends on the man to an extent - I do find some overweight men attractive, some not.)

Bit different AND temporary situation Obviously but if a big belly put you off or made sex impossible then my belly definitely would have. The big belly being in the way is an excuse as if you fancy someone it won't stop you. My husband was disabled following an accident when I conceived my youngest, someone actually asked us if he was the father as "They couldn't see how it was possible." I laughed so much I nearly went into labour.

@PutThemInTheIronMaiden

YANBU but I'd like to bookmark this for when a female OP says "After having two children and no time to exercise my DP now says he has been withholding sex because he no longer finds me attractive due to my weight gain".

Agreed. There are some really visceral and quite punchy descriptions about how repulsed some women are on here about their DH's weight gain.

Fair enough...all fair game and these are real reactions.

But by my inaccurate scientific analysis, there are literally dozens of threads a month on this forum about weight gain. Hundreds of women saying they are 'overweight, obese' etc, and some of those threads contain detail about the OP's husband not finding them attractive.

The abuse these men get on these threads ('if he doesn't love you as you he's not worth it, LTB' etc) is in complete contrast to the understanding everyone is getting on here about not fancying their overweight DHs.

^For reference, I'm a lifelong ectomorph so I'm not sitting here holding
my belly feeling sorry for myself reading this thread.^

Obviously but if a big belly put you off or made sex impossible then my belly definitely would have. The big belly being in the way is an excuse as if you fancy someone it won't stop you

It's a different shape. Fat belly usually overhangs so... It may need lifting if it's really big... plus it's a different position. Pregnancy belly isn't in a way like male belly can be.

Absolutely agree that the abuse men get for saying they are not attractive to now overweight partner, is unfair.

@SchrodingersImmigrant

Obviously but if a big belly put you off or made sex impossible then my belly definitely would have. The big belly being in the way is an excuse as if you fancy someone it won't stop you

It's a different shape. Fat belly usually overhangs so... It may need lifting if it's really big... plus it's a different position. Pregnancy belly isn't in a way like male belly can be.

Absolutely agree.

A pregnant stomach for a couple of months, growing a baby, is completely different to overhanging stomach fat.

Would the information & data about age, then obesity, being the two strongest factors in poor outcomes from COVID infection be of interest or helpful to him?

Ffs, you can still love someone but be put off by them putting on stones in weight. I think, as long as you do it in as nice a way as possible, it is much better to tell the truth about these things. They can then decide whether to ditch the flab or the partner.

Yes, we all want our partners to love and fancy us irrespective of our body changing with weight, childbirth, age etc but in the real world that often isn't the case.

Your post comes across as you are concerned for his health only because you don't want to be left alone and that is behind your quest for him to lead a healthier lifestyle.
Then telling him you find him unattractive.
Perhaps he is unhappy and comfort eating.
Not exactly altruistic op.

It is wearing. DH is overweight and deluded. His latest latest thing is being vegan. You would think this would inevitably lead to weight loss, but no.

Couple of vegan burgers for breakfast, mushy peas on toast (with extra virgin vegan olive oil and mayo) for lunch and vegan snacks throughout the day followed by a bigger dinner with lots of vegan rice and pasta (allowed because everyone knows that vegans have to constantly eat and eat more to avoid wasting away) and then more snacks in the evening is off putting. He eats more and at greater cost than me and two teenage DC combined. But being vegan somehow means he is golden.

And he eats 'in secret' - i have to deliberately make noise to announce my presence so I don't 'catch him'. It's the furtiveness and the excuses. And my deliberately ignoring. Like I'm somehow complicit and so share responsibility. It's awful.

Also refuses to weigh himself and squeezes into old clothes that are far too small and after several years are disintegrating. He won't buy new clothes that actually fit. When i do the laundry his t/shits are smaller than my 14 year old DS. But this is a sacrifice he is making for the sake of family finances. Bollocks.

I got sick of the moral superiority and shaming me for 'unhealthy' drinking wine of an evening - apparently i may be a drunk - and made reference to the fact that I don't feel the need to drink in secret but that he eats in secret every day and lies about it.

Cue sulking and accusations of fat shaming him. He has been sulking for about two months now - new PB - hasn't lost any weight though.

It's the attitude that is deeply unsexy. Being under or over or healthy weight is not really the issue.

Sorry for hijacking - just want to say that what can appear superficial really isn't.

A pregnant stomach for a couple of months, growing a baby, is completely different to overhanging stomach fat.
Women don't generally just have a pregnant stomach for a couple of months though do they? A pregnant stomach can also be in addition to lots of flab. Fat women get pregnant too.

His feelings are hurt and he's punishing you for telling him truthfully how you feel. And it's understandable.
No one likes their weight to be the subject of negative comments.
Something I tried with my DH was to go on my own for a walk early evening.
Within a week of the new routine he joined me just for a twenty minute stroll really.
Its's baby steps OP.
Gradually weaned him off the biscuits, the cakes and eventually the sausage rolls - that took six months - and a year on, he's lost ten pounds.
I know it is not a massive victory. I know he could do better... but I'll take what I can get to get his blood pressure under control.
And keep on with those baby steps..

Tell him you are sorry that you have hurt his feelings but the plain truth is, a heart attack will be a damn sight more painful.

Then telling him you find him unattractive.

He was blaming OP for never being in a mood. Would it have been better if she had come up with some imaginary excuse to not get the blame for not wanting sex?

YOU feel vulnerable?! WTF?! You're not the one being judged for their size.

@ancientgran. I hear what you’re saying- I also had a nearly 10lb baby and it was all out front! But as PP’s have said, this is slightly different. It’s not pregnancy or a medical condition, it’s something that could be changed. Plus it could lead to really serious health problems.

I just wish that ppl would face up to what obesity can do to them. I don’t expect my DH to be physically perfect at all ( heck, I’m not 🤣) but I KNOW he wouldn’t really fancy me very overweight and would worry about my health. So I wish he’d make more effort to lose those 30lbs.☹️

I really feel for your DH. I am obese with several health issues (some related to my size, some genetic, some just not) and all the replies about him selfishly eating and being lazy are very triggering to me. I've been on an extremely low fat diet for over three months, following it religiously, and haven't even lost half a stone yet.

I didn't become fat through laziness. The fatphobia on this thread is really upsetting.