OH is obese

[Ughijustdontknow]

He’s never been slender but since quitting smoking when DD was born last year my OH has ballooned. He’s now over 18stone at 6ft (clinically obese) and it’s all on his stomach.

I’m concerned from about his health - he’s an older dad in a stressful job and there’s a high blood pressure in his family so I’m worried about a stroke or heart attack. Worse, his dad has vascular dementia, and I’m anxious OH is heading for a similar fate. I’ve raised the health concerns with him but it’s made no difference. I’m scared of him dying young and having to bring up DD alone, and I don’t feel he’s doing enough to ensure a healthy old age.

But also, I really dislike how he looks and feels at this weight. I find it a real turn-off - it’s not that we never have sex but I do have to be very much in the mood.

I’ve approached his weight as gently as I can, encouraged him to eat more healthily and asked him if he would try doing those 7-minute workouts for a fortnight. He agreed but didn’t do them. I feel vulnerable and frustrated and not listened to and pissed off.

The other night he came onto me and I said I wasn’t in the mood for sex - it was steaming hot, I was sweaty and knackered and just not up for it. He got grumpy (which I recognise is problematic on its own) and said those were excuses and that I’m never in the mood. I thought, fine, I might as well be honest and told him his weight is a big factor for me. Now he’s slept on the couch for two nights and has barely spoken to me.

Was I unreasonable to tell him? Aibu to be so bothered about this? What are my options apart from drop it or ltb? Please be kind.

It was quite clear what the content could or would likely be from the title mintyfreshh so if you’re feeling particularly sensitive you probably shouldn’t have clicked on it.

@mintyfreshh

YOU feel vulnerable?! WTF?! You're not the one being judged for their size.

She is the one who will be there to pick up the pieces and if he keeps adding weight on having to pay extras on funeral charges. While having an upset child which lost parent too early because of preventable thing.

I thought perhaps @AnneLovesGilbert I could show a different POV. One that is a little more compassionate towards the DH.

My father has been obese all his life. He's in his late sixties now. My slim, non smoking, non drinking mum died in her fifties.

You are burying the poor man before he's even shown any sign of being unwell, and it's pretty disgusting tbh.

YANBU, unfortunately most men think they are gorgeous no matter how gross they are.
Who is going to tell them otherwise if not their wife. He just needs to suck it up and do something about it.
I used to have to tell my husband about his appalling breath and hygiene issues because nobody else was brave enough to.

@mintyfreshh

I thought perhaps *@AnneLovesGilbert* I could show a different POV. One that is a little more compassionate towards the DH.

Fair enough but no one has ever posted their OH is obese and that’s a good thing, they’re happier than ever, their sex life is amazing and it’s helped their relationship.

What advice are you giving OP?

People don't generally get fat because they are lazy or don't care about themselves. Most, and I'm talking way over 90%, get fat because they are: poor, ill, genetically disposed to be that way.

The issues are societal. So addressing inequalities in society, making sure there is decent access to healthcare, nutritious food. Aim your judgement higher than the DH's husband.

DH is not stupid and knows being late 50s, overweight with an autoimmune chronic condition increases his risk re Covid.

My pointing this out, or the fact that the rest of the (meat eating) family are not overweight does not help. It makes him, as an adult and individual worse. It is not my job to parent him and his choice to behave like a stroppy teenager. Address the behaviour. Change in outcome results from change in behaviour not vice versa.

@mintyfreshh

People don't generally get fat because they are lazy or don't care about themselves. Most, and I'm talking way over 90%, get fat because they are: poor, ill, genetically disposed to be that way.

The issues are societal. So addressing inequalities in society, making sure there is decent access to healthcare, nutritious food. Aim your judgement higher than the DH's husband.

I would like that research. Not being sarcastic or anything, but claiming that for 90% of fat people it's outside cause is bot... Daring.

Re the early death. His family history combined with that weight and stressful job pretty much screams that. Harsh, but that's how it is. I know. We have similar.

What if you got ill? What if you had a difficult birth, which triggered PND, which triggered fibromyalgia. What if you then got locked down, whilst in chronic pain every day?

You would get fat.

Would you like people to be mentally digging your grave every time they looked at you?

Now he’s slept on the couch for two nights
sounds like a result?

OP, think again.. You have told him that you find him undesirable at the very moment he wanted to have sex.. You picked the worst possible moment. I don't know how would any marriage recover from that.
I get it, you are perfectly entitled not to be attracted to him.. Surely there are better ways to express your concerns.

@mintyfreshh

What if you got ill? What if you had a difficult birth, which triggered PND, which triggered fibromyalgia. What if you then got locked down, whilst in chronic pain every day?

You would get fat.

Would you like people to be mentally digging your grave every time they looked at you?

That's not him though, is it...

Fatness isn't a disability, but many disabled people are also fat.

Fat people are just lazy people with no willpower. They are academics, lawyers, mothers and fathers.

Absolutely nobody would say I was lazy as I run around after two young kids all day long, in fact I don't sit on the sofa for longer than three minutes until they've gone to bed. And yet... fat. Fat and disgusting and lazy, according to this thread.

*aren't obvs

Stop turning this into But Olympics.

This is about a guy who is an older dad, with family history of serious health issues where weight REALLY doesn't help and he doesn't do anything to make it better. That's it.

But olympics are important @SchrodingersImmigrant - they challenge stereotypes

No. But Olympics are here right now to derail the thread and shut down the discussion because someone can't handle that someone else isn't happy with obese oh....

Maybe he's depressed. Maybe he's anxious about money. Maybe he has no idea what is healthy and what isn't. And maybe even though he does know the difference he isn't able to make healthy choices because he is ill, or depressed, or just thrown by the whole first major pandemic in over 100 years thing.

🙄

I am NOT derailing, I am suggesting that the rhetoric around obesity, words like disgusting, is incredibly harmful, and tbh that info might be useful to the OP

Well now he knows. So whatever did make him fat he can now use his own man brain and begin to solve it.
It's not his wife's job to fix him.

She isn't obligated to find him attractive and she certainly isn't obligated to have sex with him because he's a bit sad.

I wouldn't find my husband attractive at that size and I certainly wouldn't entertain any sexual relationship until he had solved his issues.

A relative weighed 11 stone at five foot eight and still had a heart attack. Thankfully he didn't die but it scared him and all the family. He has overhauled his diet, lost 1.5 stone and knows he had a warning. He has a wife and kids and wants to be here for them. It is hard but he needs kindness, support and a kick up the bum.

Well then, @AskingforaBaskin, your DH deserves better

Still waiting for that proof of the 90%+ claim btw.