OH is obese

[Ughijustdontknow]

He’s never been slender but since quitting smoking when DD was born last year my OH has ballooned. He’s now over 18stone at 6ft (clinically obese) and it’s all on his stomach.

I’m concerned from about his health - he’s an older dad in a stressful job and there’s a high blood pressure in his family so I’m worried about a stroke or heart attack. Worse, his dad has vascular dementia, and I’m anxious OH is heading for a similar fate. I’ve raised the health concerns with him but it’s made no difference. I’m scared of him dying young and having to bring up DD alone, and I don’t feel he’s doing enough to ensure a healthy old age.

But also, I really dislike how he looks and feels at this weight. I find it a real turn-off - it’s not that we never have sex but I do have to be very much in the mood.

I’ve approached his weight as gently as I can, encouraged him to eat more healthily and asked him if he would try doing those 7-minute workouts for a fortnight. He agreed but didn’t do them. I feel vulnerable and frustrated and not listened to and pissed off.

The other night he came onto me and I said I wasn’t in the mood for sex - it was steaming hot, I was sweaty and knackered and just not up for it. He got grumpy (which I recognise is problematic on its own) and said those were excuses and that I’m never in the mood. I thought, fine, I might as well be honest and told him his weight is a big factor for me. Now he’s slept on the couch for two nights and has barely spoken to me.

Was I unreasonable to tell him? Aibu to be so bothered about this? What are my options apart from drop it or ltb? Please be kind.

Yanbu. If someone puts on a lot of weight you may well find them less attractive, being unhealthy isn't attractive to me either.

@Oblomov20 I imagine most people put on some weight over the years, but the OP’s point is that her DH is obese now, not simply a few pounds heavier

Obesity is different from some extra padding as our metabolisms slow down. I’m 10lbs heavier and a dress size larger than when I met my DH 25 years ago. That’s within the healthy weight range for my height and isn’t a health risk according to my doctor. I’m slightly bothered by my DH’s weight gain because it’s much greater- according to his doctor, he needs to lose 30lbs to get back into the healthy weight range, not to be skinny. That’s worrying.☹️

Please watch this for a doctor's take on obesity and the current crisis www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/m000lqqn/bbc-london-evening-news-14082020

OP have a look at this, from about 18mins 20

Lots of others here would benefit from watching it too: www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/m000lqqn/bbc-london-evening-news-14082020

[quote mintyfreshh]Please watch this for a doctor's take on obesity and the current crisis www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/m000lqqn/bbc-london-evening-news-14082020[/quote]
Is this where it says that Most, and I'm talking way over 90%, get fat because they are: poor, ill, genetically disposed to be that way.

Lazy to sign in if not

I know how you feel, I have been wanting to tell my husband I dont want to have sex with him as much due to his weight. I also fine my self getting more turned off when I see him eating more unhealthy foods fast. He always eats fast and eats big portions and drinks a bit too much beer and its not exactly attractive. There is always an excuse for a easy tea of pizza or burgers and a drink as it's been a hard busy day etc and I am fed up of it and it's not helping my own weight. I am starting to eat better myself but he has been cooking more as he is still furloughed and I am working. I am also doing the couch to 5k.
I am about 11 stone and want to lose at least a stone. He is similar to your husband and is over 18 stone but is over 6ft. He is quite muscular and large framed I guess but the last couple of stone really shows round his belly now. His mum is very big and I dont want him to get even worse as he gets older.
It's so frustrating as we talk about it and he says he wants to eat better and loose weight but it doesn't last at all and he will suggest pizza for tea in no time. He doesnt realise how many calories are in things.
I have bought some scales that measure body fat etc to see if they will be more of an incentive for us both. Then you can track how much you loose. Hasn't really worked so far for him tbh but hoping I can keep asking him how he is doing when he starts exercising more.

unfortunately most men think they are gorgeous no matter how gross they are.

What a curiously stupid thing to say.

@mintyfreshh my OH didn't become obese because he was poor and unhealthy and the rest of his family are average rate so highly unlikely to be a genetic predisposition. When we married he was slim and very sporty. When we had DC he dropped all the sport (despite me encouraging him not to)to have more family time. But instead of eating less because he didn't need it the amount he eats crept up and up, as did his weight. Now he will eat twice as much as me at a meal and have more high calorie snacks in between. He is now so fat that exercise is too much of an effort, he is type 2 diabetic, at very high risk of fatty liver disease, gets every bug going because his immune system is shot by his weight and has permanently aching joints, again due to his weight not arthritis. He wanted to go kayaking at a local centre but there is no way I am getting in a 2 man kayak with someone weighing twice as much as me. We can't do the walking holidays we used to enjoy. When we go away we have to find accommodation with a super king size bed. We have had to buy a bed that fits separate single mattresses due to the weight difference. There are so many impacts on our lives that he isn't prepared to even try to address. I have said from time to time you love ginsters pasties more than me and he gets hurt, but given the choice of a severe diet and me staying or carrying on as he is and me leaving I know he would choose food. I love him and want to be able to do things with him and not have to go by myself but as a PP said, it's the attitude of not caring about himself that is so off putting. Not to mention he is self employed so as soon as he gets ill he has no income putting more pressure on me.
And yes that does apply to women as much as men and I get really pissed off when I see concern for someone's health passed off as fat shaming.

I’ve read quite a few threads on here about greedy OHs - men who eat anything out of the fridge even when it’s clearly for the dc or they’ve been told it’s for a special occasion, or help themselves to most of a meal leaving little or nothing for anyone else.

That’s horribly selfish and dickheadish in itself but such a man is obese as well I can see why you’d put it down to the behaviour and the whole package would be even more of a turn-off.

There is nothing wrong with discussing the issue in an adult way at the right time - but rejecting him and saying it was because he was fat would have been soul destroying for him and disrespectful to his feelings on your part.

I suppose you can't choose what you're attracted to, and he was definitely bu re: sulking about you turning down sex, but I think making out he was too fat to have sex with was bang out of order. You've probably crippled his self esteem and made him feel really shit

YABU and sound nasty

@HerNameWasEliza

I wish we could move away from this narrative that being worried about your or your partner's weight is shallow because you could only possibly be thinking about how it makes you or them look.

Being worried is not the same as not wanting sex anymore. Not in the least. If people say they are worried about their obese partner's health then fair enough. That, however, is not what OP said.

I always wonder what would happen if people stayed slim but just got old? Do people really break up with their partners or stop having a sex life just cos they're wrinkly and saggy like all older people end up being? Or because they went bald? Is it all about the body then when you have sex?

You say you "always wonder" if people got old but stayed slim as if that wasn't the norm for a human being?

@Elsewyre do you not find constantly worrying puts you off sex? A lot of people find the constant fear that their spouse is going to be really I'll or die a horrible death from something like fatty liver disease a big turn off.

DH and overweight at the moment, we know we both need to lose it for a variety of reasons - it’s unhealthy, unattractive, who wants to be the person whose gut is straining at the shirt buttons ?, Coronavirus - more susceptible if overweight, older etc, we want to be sporty with our children.

We just tell each other like it is OP, it’s the only way, who cares if it’s offensive, shouldn’t be fat and eating crap then 🤷‍♀️🤔

Again. Are people missing the important parts on purpose?

I’ve approached his weight as gently as I can, encouraged him to eat more healthily and asked him if he would try doing those 7-minute workouts for a fortnight. He agreed but didn’t do them. I feel vulnerable and frustrated and not listened to and pissed off.
Op tried before gently.

And when op refused sex-
He got grumpy (which I recognise is problematic on its own) and said those were excuses and that I’m never in the mood

It culminated into that. Some posters here are fully ignoring this. It changes the "you are nasty telling him he isn't sexy because he is fat" to "you tried. He shouldn't pester you and even though it's not nice thing to say, it obviously all culminated into this blow up and you saying that"...

@SchrodingersImmigrant people are deliberately missing it because they see the OP’s post and others’ posts as an indictment of themselves. 😕

@JingsMahBucket you are probably right.

[quote JingsMahBucket]@SchrodingersImmigrant people are deliberately missing it because they see the OP’s post and others’ posts as an indictment of themselves. 😕[/quote]
That's my theory too.

You say you "always wonder" if people got old but stayed slim as if that wasn't the norm for a human being?

Absolutely nothing to do with it! It is the norm for some but the wondering is about whether people who seem to only want to have sex with their partners whilst they look good, want to have sex with old partners - there's a stage for everyone where you don't 'look good' anymore regardless of whether you're still slim or not. If you think this is me saying that getting fatter is the norm I think you have massively mis-read this.

Again. Are people missing the important parts on purpose?

I don't think you get to declare what the important part is! For me it's the OP telling her OH that she didn't want sex with him as he was fat. That's what she was asking about. IMHO it's a distraction to get all focused on whether fat is healthy (it is) or whether OP may worry about that etc (she does). She has many options to take if she is with an OH who has got so big his health is affected and she is worried about that. She also has many options when her OH pesters her for sex (which is clearly out of order). Despite all that context she did not have to tell him she didn't want sex with him because he was fat. That is the focus of the question.