Husband thinks 4.5 months old is ok to go to Nursery full time

[plplz]

So I have a 12 week old lovely girl. But I'm not on maternity leave, I'm unemployed. I got an amazing job offer but issue is they want to me to start when DD will be about 20 weeks old.

My girl is EBF and refusing the bottle. She screams and cries and I can't stand hearing her so upset, so naturally I'm feeling very terrible about the prospect of starting a role and putting her in nursery so young, with her struggling with the bottle and feeling so well on the breast.

Husband thinks sending her to nursery so small is fine, but I just can't stand the idea.

Who is unreasonable here? Is 4.5 months really too small for her to go into nursery? I feel bloody selfish.

It's completely up to you and how you feel about it. There's not a chance in hell I'd do it though!

What about a childminder?

I think it's perfectly fine to send a 4 month old to nursery if you need to work. I went to nursery when I was 3 months old as my mum had no more paid maternity. In the U.S., it's quite typical for most mums to go back after 6 weeks. Now is that ideal? Probably not because you'll be exhausted unless your dh is doing half of the night wakings and the baby care, and it probably doesn't give you as much time as would be ideal to bond and adjust. But really, if you want the job and it's what you need to do for your future, it's absolutely fine. I suffered absolutely no ill effects by my mum going back to work (and we were very lucky probably because it meant she built a very secure financial future for us and I had a lot of opportunities that I might not have had otherwise as a result).

Do you need the job? That would be the decider for me. My kids went from 8 months and loved it. Not too long ago maternity leave was a lot shorter and everyone survived it!

Can you afford not to take the job? I put my daughter in one day a week from 16weeks as I needed the break. She didn’t go full time until she was 15months though.

Mine went earlier than that. They were absolutely fine. I already had them in a routine, and the nursery carried on with that routine. I didnt breastfeed though, so was easier as just took bottles every day.

My daughter went from that age due to a work situation. It wasn’t permanent though, and she came out after a few months, but then went back in again at 18 months. My others went at 9 and 10 months.

For me- it’s the balance. Will it be full time 9-5 forever now? Or is this for a fixed amount of time and then part time?

Whatever feels right for you is the answer! I think good quality childcare makes a massive difference too.

I don't need to take it, but things would be awfully tight without and the money is good, better than husband's salary! And I think in a down job market opportunity like this might not come around for a bit. Now we're in recession in UK.

Could you negotiate a later start date? 3 or 4 months? If you want you, they'll wait. My sister lost her job when she was pregnant. She got a new job and they waited 6 months for her to start.

Plenty do. My DS1 went part time at 5 months. He was in nursery every day from 9-3 so not quite a full day. At the time it was fine, it worked and was very normal as most maternity leave was 6 months so everyone was doing similar. If I was to choose again I wouldn’t though. As a mum is rather have that time with my baby. If I could.

It's very personal. I think there is absolutely nothing wrong with it and certainly wouldn't judge. But I don't think I'd be able to do it (nothing to do with feeding either as both mine were bottle fed!)

My 2 eldest were in childcare before that because the current mat leave entitlement didn't exist.

It was fine tbh, I think it was easier in some ways as they weren't old enough to experience separation anxiety.

My boyfriend was in full time from 3 months old. He's very l balanced and has a great relationship with his mum

Mayernity leave was 16 weeks not so long ago. All nurseries took from four months. Kids turned out fine.
Or get a nanny.
If you want the job you can make it work. Your dd will be fine with a good nanny childminder nursery .
Doez your dh work? Will he share pick ups snd drop offs? Is he involved and getting stuck in,?

How much do you need the job? Is a similar job likely to come up again? Have you family who want to childcare for you that you would be happier leaving your child with. There are nurseries that take from 6 weeks so it is available. Could DH take a few weeks annual leave to delay start a bit.

Nurseries aren't really ideal for such small babies, but I would be happy with a good childminder.

Could you take the job and you DH give up work to look after her? He seems to be forgetting that there are two parents.

Maybe as a compromise could you negotiate 4 days and he do the same so that she’s in nursery 3 days a week?

Any chance or part time or flexible working with the job?

If you do take it, make sure DH does his equal share of the housework, childcare etc at home, and you're not left doing everything.

Is your husband taking shared parental leave an option? That would be the solution discussed in our house - childcare and earning are shared responsibilities in this house. My brother took the second six months with both his kids as he was the lower earner.

My personal view is that it would be very young to send her to nursery and whilst there may be many people in the US doing this, it isn’t typical here and most nurseries are not set up for children under 6 months.

YABU. Long mat leaves are a very recent thing.

Sadly no family can help, mine don't live in UK and DH's are 2 hours away, so we have sweet F-all support. Gutted about being alone but thats another story.

Neither of you is unreasonable... people plan and manage a return to work with a small baby all the time. It’s not something I could have done and I felt lucky I didn’t have to. It’s ok if you don’t want to as long as you can afford to turn down the opportunity.

I wouldn't do it personally, but that doesn't mean it's wrong.

I'm keeping mine with me until she's 3 and ready for preschool so at the other end of the scale.

Any chance they can push the start date back a few months?

If the wage is higher than your husband's, can he take a few months of shared parental leave?

People do what they have to do. I'm a nursery nurse and have cared for babies from 10 weeks. I could never have sent my own to any sort of childcare at that age but that's just me, I've never judged those who did.