Husband thinks 4.5 months old is ok to go to Nursery full time

[plplz]

So I have a 12 week old lovely girl. But I'm not on maternity leave, I'm unemployed. I got an amazing job offer but issue is they want to me to start when DD will be about 20 weeks old.

My girl is EBF and refusing the bottle. She screams and cries and I can't stand hearing her so upset, so naturally I'm feeling very terrible about the prospect of starting a role and putting her in nursery so young, with her struggling with the bottle and feeling so well on the breast.

Husband thinks sending her to nursery so small is fine, but I just can't stand the idea.

Who is unreasonable here? Is 4.5 months really too small for her to go into nursery? I feel bloody selfish.

I think in the current economic climate I would take it, particularly if it would make a huge impact on family circumstances.

If we really needed the money, were in the middle of an awful recession and my husband was offered a job but didn't want to take it due to childcare I don't know that I'd be overly pleased.

I don't want to imply it won't be hard, because of course it will be, but I think that in your circumstances I would do it. My children had a nanny from 6 months. I think I'd be happier with nanny or childminder than nursery tbh.

It's a personal choice but many kids do. I would look at childminders too, continuity of care is better

OP,
4.5 months is very young, but people do it. Why don't you get her a nanny instead until she is a bit older, even for a few months?
Take the job, it might not be easy to find another one soon

OP a lot of the replies so far have focussed on how you feel, but I think this is a situation where your DH is entitled to have an input too. If you don't take the job, you are unilaterally casting him into being sole earner, and that's a lot of responsibility. The fact that he thinks DD will be OK in nursery suggests that he'd rather like you to share the burden.

And it's not just about the here and now, financially. It's about housing and holidays and even, although a long way off, pensions and quality of life in retirement.

I'm not saying that it means you have to put DD in nursery. But I do think that you need a conversation with DH where you are both honest, AND both of you are open minded, willing to hear the other's points and concerns. And if you've only recently been offered the job you'll have to tell them soon whether or not you're going to accept it, so the discussion needs to be asap.

I would never judge anybody for this, their life, their family, everyone is different.

But me personally, not a cats chance in hell, not unless it was literally the only way to get food on the table and not be homeless. Otherwise id manage on DP income and i would go without luxuries myself. I appeciate necessities / luxuries vary wildly depending on what country you live in and what culture you are accustomed to within that.

"Don't get me wrong, they need to bond with us, but the tiniest babies struggle to separate from us at the end of the day. We hate seeing mums upset when their baby reaches and cries for us as they're taking them out of the doo"

I'm sorry but this is absolute nonsense. Mine never cried for their keyworker, not once. And neither did any of the other babies of parents I knew. I'd often arrive and have to wait 10 mins or so whilst workers were completing notes or doing nappies and saw lots of babies collected. Never ever saw one trying to cling to their keyworkers. There was no specific worker linked to specific children.

Its always harder to let go of your first and there is no right or wrong. Both mine started nursery young and it did them alot if good. They had more of a routine, were more sociable and I think they developed skills more quickly. Only you will know when the time is right. I think if an amazing job has come along that will take financial pressure of you this will better for the family long term. Just me the most of every weekend x what ever you decide will be the right decision

I used to work in a nursery when mat leave was 12 weeks. We usually took them from 8 or 9 weeks. They were fine.

Don't get me wrong, they need to bond with us, but the tiniest babies struggle to separate from us at the end of the day.

That wasn’t my experience at all. My daughter happily bonded with multiple people - nursery workers as well as family members.

It wouldn’t be something I would have done.

If you can manage on the salary coming into the house, I would stay at home with the baby. if you are really struggling to pay for the absolute essentials and you are likely to get into serious debt, then you need the job.

I had dd when mat leave had risen to 14 weeks, but not yet up to 16 weeks. I took 4 weeks unpaid leave and dd started crèche at 17 weeks settling in, and was FT at 20 weeks. There was another DC started the same time as her, same age but a premie so actually 3 weeks behind (corrected) at that stage. There were 3 others in the baby room at various ages up to a year, and that room had its full complement of 6 most of the time we were in that crèche (2.5 years).

DD is now a strapping 14 year old, who is well developed and a very well rounded teen.

It felt hard to leave her, but she settled well and we could see the staff were caring and knew what they were doing.

If you can get by on your husband's salary, then personally I would not take the job. I appreciate that some women have no choice and that others chose to go back, preferring it to the often mundane nature of parenting. And that is fine. But as a mother you should listen to your emotions and instinct. If you take this job, you will likely spend the next few weeks counting down the time. I was made redundant whilst two weeks into maternity leave (voluntary, but really had little choice about accepting) and it was the best thing that happened to me. It opened my eyes to the choices that I actually had, including being a sahm, which, prior to that, I hadn't even considered. If you have been offered a job now, with all the uncertainty going on, there is a good chance that there will still be work in your field in a few months. Another option could be becoming a child minder so that you can stay at home with your own baby whilst looking after another too. I had friends that did that. Or you could even do dog walking, pet feeding, take in ironing. Once you have a baby, you realise how much childcare costs, along with commuting etc and suddenly it can make sense to take part time lower paid work that you can fit around your child. And, for me at least, suddenly having a career seemed a lot less important.

I forgot to say, dd was ebf at home, mixed fed in crèche (I was able to express roughly 2/3 of bottles needed and left formula for any others needed and spare) and I was able to bf at least partially until almost 10 months (when I was so exhausted from doing a very heavy Masters course for work that I had to give up).

Since your husband is so sure your daughter will be fine what is he doing to help facilitate a calm transition for you both ?

Sounds like you need the money op which ultimately should be rhe decider. I went back when my daughter was four months, used a child minder, she’s now a happy well adjusted twenty three year old. Certainly didn’t do any harm and possibly benefitted us all.

If your job is fairly specialist so that good opportunities don't come around regularly then you might be wise to take it. In the current circumstances jobs may well be scarce and it sounds like this might be too good to miss. As someone who occasionally recruits for my organisation I would do my best to be flexible if I knew that a new starter was joining with such a young baby. Have you spoken to them about it just in case they can delay or offer PT for the short term?

I agree with the nursery over childminder point that someone has just made. I know that CM offer a home environment but they're often looking after a larger number of children and going backwards and forwards on school runs which might be more disruptive.

If your child was going to be 6 months old at the time of your return very few people would have an issue. We are talking, then, about six weeks or so in the life of your child. Yes things change quickly at that stage but you'll still be seeing her every night and weekends etc. I went back with my first child at 7 months and that was pretty standard but there were others, older than me, who had returned after three months. I don't think anyone will judge you. It will be very hard for a couple of months but after that things will settle. I would speak to the new employer first tho.

If it were me in the situation I'd take the job.

You'll be the main breadwinner so what is your DH doing to support that?

Ultimately it isn't me in that situation though and it's a very personal choice.

Both of ours went at just below 6 months. I had to work because they had to eat!

In the current climate I’d take the job , the baby will be fine of course it’s not the ideal scenario but lots of people do it .

I couldn't have done it before about a year.

It’s a very personal decision but don’t do it if you’re not comfortable. I was planning on going back when my DD was 9months as we couldn’t afford the drop in Mat pay. Had a full time childminder lined up. In the end - I couldn’t do it, didn’t want to leave her, was still breastfeeding her and didn’t feel she was ready at all. We agreed to leave my job and go without for a bit, and I’ve now got something 2 days a week now she’s 16months. This was all pre-Covid though so it is difficult to comment when I don’t know how easy jobs are to come by in your industry. A tricky decision, but I always thought ‘I’ll never get this time back’ .

Do what’s right for your family and situation. Everyone’s opinion will vary but no one fully knows your situation. You are however, not selfish if you put her in nursery at that age. From my experience you will feel guilty but in most likeliness she will love nursery! My LO loves nursery and adores her key worker but is happy to see her parents when she’s picked up too.... I’ve never seen her cling to her keyworker to avoid coming to one of us although she did one morning try to close the door on me when I had been talking to her keyworker for too long as I was stopping her getting her breakfast

Unless there is something particularly unusual about your child, your health or your profession or you are really well off with wealth, not just your DH’s salary, behind you, I think it would be unreasonable to turn down a good job offer in the current economic situation.

Babies aren’t damaged by being in nursery at 20 months, there is no clear benefit to a child to have a stay at home parent. Most likely, you should to suck up the short term discomfort of putting them in nursery to help ensure long term financial stability - which is of benefit to your child. But make sure your DH is on board with all the extra he will need to do once you are both working so that you aren’t taking on the burden of sorting out everything for the baby on top of having to make a job work.

If you're going to be shouldering then equal burden hours wise then I assume he is going to be committed to equal out of hours parental responsibility?

So drop offs, pick ups, medical appointments and night feeds he will do 50%? If so and you need the money then it's a necessity rather than a choice and I would never shame a parent for doing what is necessary to provide for their kids.

But you do need to approach this as a team - if you'll both be working full time then you need to be absolutely clear you will not be the default parent out of work hours just because you have a vagina. I've seen it all too often.

Congrats on your little one by the way