Husband thinks 4.5 months old is ok to go to Nursery full time

[plplz]

So I have a 12 week old lovely girl. But I'm not on maternity leave, I'm unemployed. I got an amazing job offer but issue is they want to me to start when DD will be about 20 weeks old.

My girl is EBF and refusing the bottle. She screams and cries and I can't stand hearing her so upset, so naturally I'm feeling very terrible about the prospect of starting a role and putting her in nursery so young, with her struggling with the bottle and feeling so well on the breast.

Husband thinks sending her to nursery so small is fine, but I just can't stand the idea.

Who is unreasonable here? Is 4.5 months really too small for her to go into nursery? I feel bloody selfish.

In your exact situation (literally) I said thank you but I'm afraid I cannot do full time hours right now, best of luck. They came back and offered part time. I took it and got a nice CM who lived nearby. I expressed milk for a few weeks (then used ready made formula) and she took it off CM. I kept bfing apart from that for over a year.
Very best of luck.

I wouldn’t have done this but that doesn’t mean I think it’s bad or cruel it just wouldn’t have felt right for me.

Sounds ideal for shared parental leave

That’s what you tell yourself.

Don’t be that knob. Women all over the world have to put their babies in childcare because they need to work. And many of them already feel awful about it. They don’t need people like you shaming them for it. Perhaps aim it at the men you know who have done this?

I wouldn’t have an issue sending 2-3 days at that age, but full time is too much in my opinion. I don’t think a job is worth it. If you don’t have a choice then you do what you have to do, but if you do, I would give it a miss.

If it's a small nursery, she (and they) may quite enjoy it. Can still breast feed morning and evening to keep immunity up. Two months to try and crack some bottle-accepting. And before separation anxiety kicks in at 6 months. Listen to your gut - won't be a walk in the park, but worth a go? Or not. You're not being selfish either way

Way back when maternity pay was for weeks rather than months - my eldest 2 went to nursery when they were 6 weeks old. It was fine, and we all adapted and lived to tell the tale. Don't feel bad. Great opportunities don't come along all that often and sometimes you just need to take them.
Congratulations on the job offer

Just wanted to say go ahead and state what you need, clearly and without apologising. Be that part time, wfh, or delayed start or other conditions. Or dh taking leave. State your needs to prospective employer and to dh.

It tends to work better than we think it will.

Mine went to nursery between 10-11 weeks old, so not quite 3 months. They also refused the bottle if I offered it to them. But if I left, they accepted it from DH or a child minder. It’s not unreasonable to make this choice.
But it is a choice. You have to think though that the longer you are out of work, the less chance you will get an amazing job offer. Your currency in your career field gets lower the longer you are out of work. So if you choose to stay home longer, the job offers will most probably taper off and get less favourable. (That is what most women experience and and #1 cause of the gender pay gap).

Great opportunities don't come along all that often and sometimes you just need to take them. Agree with this.

People do but no way would I or my DH have done it!

The baby will be fine. Id have struggled with working a new job where id want to impress and feeding in the night - my baby still fed every 3 hours at that age.

I do think it's too young, but I had no choice for DS1, who went to full time nursery at 12 weeks. I was fortunate that he was in an on site nursery so I could go over to breastfeed at lunch time.
I was absolutely exhausted because he wanted to be close to me and BF during the night (because he didn't see me in the day).

He's 21 now and a great lad.

With DS2 I was able to take more leave and he was in p/t nursery from 9 months. He was BF but I didn't need to express and only saw him at lunch time for a few months.

He's 11 now and a wee bugger!

OP, if you find childcare you trust and are happy with your baby and you will be fine, but that's the key - if you're anxious and unhappy it will be very, very hard.

Not a chance, unless your lives depended on it. Fourth trimester and all that. Childcare is one thing but full time and in a nursery setting sounds awful for that age.

Whatever you choose you are not being selfish.

Ideally I would ask them if you could start the job a few months later and see what they say. At that stage baby would be weaning so even if she doesn't have breast milk she could eat something in the day.

If that fails and you take the job your family will gain because of finances and security. This will reduce stress in many ways - happy parents, happy baby. My advice would be to start nursery a couple of weeks early so you can be on standby if you need to go in to breastfeed and also you wouldn't want to start your job with nursery starting on the same day (trust me) as it will probably be emotional for you.

If you choose not to take the job, you'll get extra time with your baby which you wouldn't get again. But finances would be tight.

Only you can know what's right for your family on balance.

If you don't need the money... Then I would spend the time with your little one. A job is a job and another will come along. This time with your little one is precious. IMO if you don't need to send you little one to nursery that young then don't. I was very lucky and didn't have to go back to work until both babies were 12 months and BF.

Agree with PP that DH could consider taking some shared parental leave.

It's hard, but I don't think you can decide not to take the job and force your dh to be sole breadwinnner - it's not fair and he'll resent the fuck out of you.

If it's a good job offer, perhaps there's an opportunity for compressed hours or flexible working? Could your dh look at his options for the same, so you could both do some of the childcare?

Could you look at childminders or a nanny instead of a nursery, if it's the setting that bothers you?

I wouldn't if we could make ends meet but it depends on your ambitions. Mine were at nursery at 10 months and a year old for two half days which I felt was long enough. It is a very difficult decision. If your dh can I would get him to take paternity leave so that you can start the new job and baby will then be older when she starts nursery.

Ahh it’s difficult. I have a seven month old who will be going 2 days a week in a few months and will feel sad about it.
However, only you know how necessary this job is and what it will provide your family with - ie. financial security and career opportunities. Those things have value and although it will be hard, it is done every day across the world. Your little girl will be ok.
I agree with the other poster though - look at other options - compressed hours, flexible working so you can drop off late for example, your husband taking a few months off / shared leave, even some holidays might help. Also think about a childminder as someone else said and look at nurseries that have fewer children. If you’re taking this job for money - throw some of it at this to make your life easier and to ensure your dd is getting the best care.
And to the pp who said ‘that’s what you tell yourself’ - what @Smallsteps88 said. There are no prizes for being nasty to someone on the internet. Have your opinion but maybe think about how you frame it?! Unhelpful to say the least.

DD went to nursery when she was 6 months old, full time. As I went back to work full time, unfortunately finances meant that I couldn’t have the 13 months off that I had with DS.

But she loves nursery, she is 11 months now and squeals with delight when I drop her off and she sees she is going. The staff are lovely and it’s the same nursery that DS went too so I was v familiar with it.

She’s a feisty little thing and has such confidence for a baby, which I put down to nursery.

Find a nursery you trust and it will all fall into place.

What is perfect is not the same as what is necessary. It sounds like you realistically need the job. That answers your question. Also, at what age would you be happy for her to go into day care? 6 months? Are you going to turn down a great job during a recession for 1.5months extra at home???

Lots of people are suggesting shared parental leave, but I don't think the OP will be entitled to it. The father/partner's entitlement is based on the mother's, so if she isn't on maternity leave then he can't share it.

She also doesn’t sleep through the night and still doesn’t. It was tiring at first, doing a 50 odd hour week plus her waking throughout - but dh and I share it and we’ve got used to it now really!

When I had my dc it was completely normal to go back to work when mat pay ran out after 13 weeks. It was hard on the mums but the nurseries know what they are doing and babies are much more adaptable than toddlers.

Express normal feeds or make up lots and lots of 1 oz bottles of formula until your baby gets the hang of it and do it.

Don't put your life on hold; it's much much easier to negotiate flexible hours once you are on the inside and have proved your worth.