Husband thinks 4.5 months old is ok to go to Nursery full time

[plplz]

So I have a 12 week old lovely girl. But I'm not on maternity leave, I'm unemployed. I got an amazing job offer but issue is they want to me to start when DD will be about 20 weeks old.

My girl is EBF and refusing the bottle. She screams and cries and I can't stand hearing her so upset, so naturally I'm feeling very terrible about the prospect of starting a role and putting her in nursery so young, with her struggling with the bottle and feeling so well on the breast.

Husband thinks sending her to nursery so small is fine, but I just can't stand the idea.

Who is unreasonable here? Is 4.5 months really too small for her to go into nursery? I feel bloody selfish.

Also, work will legally have to give you time out and a private room to pump and express breast milk, if that's something you'd like to do.

At that age I’d prefer childminder to a nursery. Could you get one close to your work and pop out to feed her at lunchtime? My DD’s dad sometimes used to bring her to my work for me to breast feed at lunchtime because she refused to take a bottle. I did find that she reversed her feeding cycle and fed more during the night though so that might be hard with a new job

If you can survive without the money and this might mean cutting back on things then don't do it. They really don't stay babies for long. Make the most.

I would if it was an oustanding private nursery.

In this situation I would:

• See if you can negotiate starting part time for say 3-6 months before going full time
• See if husband would be willing to take shared parental leave for 2-3 months - if your new salary would be higher than his, this sounds affordable. If he can do it for longer, even better.
• Look at childminders or nannies, not a nursery. Nursery OK from about 9 months IMO, but still tough on them full time. A home environment is better - that's my personal feeling.

Try latex teats. But an experienced child carer who doesn't have your anxiety about the baby taking the bottle is generally better at getting them to take one, IME.

You do what you need to do, no judgement.
Could I do it - no. Would my baby be fine- most probably but it’s going to be so hard on you, physically and emotionally.
Any flexibility to wfh? Share leave with your husband? Delay start date?

Btw nurseries I viewed won’t even take babies until 6 months old.

How far is the job from the nursery? One of my children was about that age when I went back to work, and I drove to the nursery every day to feed her until she was about 11 months. It was a bit tiring but it worked for us.

I think it is fine, I would take it. As baby gets older harder to get out about and busier so harder to find a job. Babies who start younger settle in faster. My baby started 5 months refused bottle he made up for it during night! He ate and drank some water in nursery but soon he took to bottle too. I continued breastfeeding b&b until about a year old.
I always found some unpaid leave from work was better with them as bit older i.e school age. as my maternity leave short I take some summer holiday off each year.
My situation was similar lost job during pregnancy got an offer to start when baby almost 5 months it worked out great delighted I took it

I quit my job to be with my DCs, but my friend went back when her DD was 3months' old. It was tough for her at that time, but now, few years down the line, my job prospects are slim, whereas, she is happy with her career. Both ours DCs are thriving.

Please don't put your tiny 4.5 month old in full time nursery. I work in a nursery and have worked a lot in our baby room. The diddy ones that we've had full time 8-6, 5 days a week, think under 6 month olds have always struggled with bonding far too much with us. Don't get me wrong, they need to bond with us, but the tiniest babies struggle to separate from us at the end of the day. We hate seeing mums upset when their baby reaches and cries for us as they're taking them out of the door. I had one full time key child from 3 months old, who moved up to the toddler room at the same time I did, purely coincidentally. He used to wake in the night and call out for me. It was so hard when mum asked me if it was normal for children to cry for their key workers, because for our part timers, no it isn't.

Your baby needs you, not us full time. They'll be doing more hours than you at work. Once they're over three full time isn't so hard on them, but imo it's still too much and definitely not for under threes.

My aim in saying this isn't to upset anyone, just to please make you think about the effect that full time hours have on very small children. I understand that some parents don't have a choice and that needs must in those circumstances, but if you have the luxury of choice, choose your child over work.

I couldn't have done it, but it's your choice.
Don't be bullied into it if it's not for you, wild horses and them paying me any amount couldn't have changed my mind.
Just because others do it doesn't mean you have to.

I did a lot of research and reading papers about this. Can send some links if you or dh are interested.

Basically most kids are fine, some are not. Often the more sensitive ones. Over the whole population early nursery isn’t a good idea for childhood development - hence the government paying a lot of money for parents to stay at home with their kids.

Can your dh take shared parental leave? Or reduce his hours?

If you do go for childcare then childminders offer more consistent bonding than nurseries.

It's up to you ! Every baby and mother is different and it's literally bup to you to go what feels right for you and your baby. For some that may be nursury and returning to work, but if your feeling that's not right for you then stay with baby x

My ds went from 18 weeks (FT nursery) and he turned out fine. He was fed EBM on demand at nursery, and settled with no problems. The baby room was small, few staff worked in there, and due to naps he had a huge amount of 1:1 time

Mine went at 11 weeks, it was absolutely fine. It was definitely the right thing for our family.

It was much harder dropping her off at nursery after 4 months of lockdown than it was then.

Do what's right for you, but know that if you want to take the job, they'll be fine in nursery.

I would only do it if I were financially desperate. I am dreading my DD starting at 13.5 months, at 4.5 months there was no chance I could work, too exhausted not withstanding the emotional trauma of being separated.

It's not ideal but hardly the end of the world if you really need or want the job.

Not a chance I'd do it. The time with your daughter is precious, you'll never get it back.. I wouldn't be asking who's unreasonable but rather who will feel resentful. Will you resent your husband for encouraging you to return to work? Especially if your daughter is unsettled at nursery. Will.he resent you for not taking a well paid job?
I'm a bit curious though. Did you apply for the job or were you head hunted? If it's the first why apply if you weren't ready to return to work?
I think you need to talk to your husband. Can both of you go part time/do compressed days/job share? But if you don't actually need the money I'd wait until your daughter is a bit older.

Should add that I expressed and sent the milk into nursery. People got used to the low rumbling side on conference calls.

SandieCheeks

"Nurseries aren't really ideal for such small babies, but I would be happy with a good childminder."

Why arent nurseries ideal? I'd say they were better for babies than childminders as they are in a baby room with lots of pairs of eyes keeping an eye on them. Whereas with a childminder she can have up to 9 kids of different ages and lots if conflicting needs for her attention. Plus if your childminder gets sick, you cant take your child, whereas in a nursery staff will be moved in from different rooms to cover.

I went back earlier than I would like and put DS in nursery. Nursery better than a CM from the ones k saw. Nursery were great, he's well adjusted but I did feel it affected our relationship. I ended up finding out work would have waited another three months for me anyway which was so frustrating.

I'm in France where maternity leave is shorter. Many women go back when the baby is 3 months. Everyone is different. I needed to go back to work when my son was 4 months but my parents in law looked after him so I felt comfortable. In your situation I would try for 4 days a week or suggest your DH take paternity leave for a few months. Also a childminder might be a better choice.

In this economy I'd be going back, honestly.
Why aren't you on mat leave? Were you self employed? I don't think it's necessarily fair to unilaterally tell your DH you won't go back if it's only his income supporting the family. That stress could equal your stress about leaving your DD so it needs to be a thorough discussion between the two of you to find something you can both live with.