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Original poster

Husband thinks 4.5 months old is ok to go to Nursery full time

390 replies

plplz · 13/08/2020 20:54

So I have a 12 week old lovely girl. But I'm not on maternity leave, I'm unemployed. I got an amazing job offer but issue is they want to me to start when DD will be about 20 weeks old.

My girl is EBF and refusing the bottle. She screams and cries and I can't stand hearing her so upset, so naturally I'm feeling very terrible about the prospect of starting a role and putting her in nursery so young, with her struggling with the bottle and feeling so well on the breast.

Husband thinks sending her to nursery so small is fine, but I just can't stand the idea.

Who is unreasonable here? Is 4.5 months really too small for her to go into nursery? I feel bloody selfish.

OP posts:
MsEllany · 13/08/2020 21:06

Neither of you are wrong. Four and a half months is fine, it’s also fine if you’re not comfortable with it.

I guess it depends on what is more important to you, and what you think your future prospects might be like if you turn the job down.

Pleasegotosleep01 · 13/08/2020 21:07

Mine went from 4 months for 2 days a week. She was EBF and the first full day I had to go in at lunchtime to feed her but the next day there was no choice as I was working too far away and she gave in and took a bottle - was fine with bottle after that. The nursery were wonderful. She had lots of special attention because she was the littlest and she is still there 3.5 years later and everyone knows her and she loves all the staff and feels so at home there. I felt really guilty at the time but it worked out absolutely fine.

PinkDaffodil2 · 13/08/2020 21:07

Can your husband take some paternity leave / shared parental leave when you go back?

ZigZagPlant · 13/08/2020 21:07

It’s not for me. Imo babies that age want and need their mummy.

StraffeHendrik · 13/08/2020 21:07

Both my dc went from 4 months and were fine. The advantage of starting early is, no separation anxiety

Doodar · 13/08/2020 21:07

Don’t do it if you don’t have to. It’s far too young.

FinnyStory · 13/08/2020 21:08

DS is 19yo and maternity leave then was only 6m so it's really not that long ago that you'd be returning to work soon anyway.

If it's a good opportunity, a job you'd like and you're hoping to return to work soon anyway, go for it.

Can DH take some leave in the first few weeks so that baby doesn't have to be at nursery fulltime, or he could take some shared maternity leave?

BlenheimOrange · 13/08/2020 21:08

I’d do it. Our local nursery take from 3m and are great with the babies. And the job market is hard right now.

IdblowJonSnow · 13/08/2020 21:08

Is it a full time job?
I agree it's too young. Childminders are more appropriate for a baby I think.
Is that an option?
I wouldn't put a baby in a nursery (well, not the one my 2nd DD went to) but especially not full time.
What a hard decision.

happytoday73 · 13/08/2020 21:08

How much longer would you need?

Your DH is likely seeing the money not the logistics and emotion.
Agree with PP... Your DH could take some unpaid leave.
If you go back you need to agree how splitting up nights, pick up/drop off, calls to pick up when sick...

I think I childminder might fit for you better... And likely to stay open...

QQQQQQ123 · 13/08/2020 21:08

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Margo34 · 13/08/2020 21:09

My mum was a childminder when I was growing up and took on a baby girl aged 6 weeks so the mum could go back to work full time (I was about 6/7 yo). She came every day until she started pre-school, and continued to come after school hours too. She was totally loved by my whole family as a sister, and her mum became like an honary aunt.

6 week old baby in full time care sounds absurd to me now about to become a parent myself, but in reality you'll do what you have to do and there isn't anything unreasonable about it. It might work out well for all of you.

icedaisy · 13/08/2020 21:09

I couldn't have done it but it's very personal.

Some additional thoughts,

Have you costed it and costed a childminder? Nursery FT is costly.

Sickness. You say no support. Every child is different but Dd was unwell a lot when she started nursery two mornings a week, was out more than in! What is the back up? Will dh help.

I'm also thinking about the nursery current policy re covid. Ours is any new cough or temp out for two weeks. That's going to hammer anyone working full time when the usual bugs start circulating.

LaPoesieEstDansLaRue · 13/08/2020 21:10

Neither of you is really being unreasonable in that some babies do go to nursery at that age for various reasons and I'm sure they're perfectly fine and well looked after. However, if you don't desperately need the job, or feel really upset at the thought of leaving your DD, you are definitely not unreasonable to not do so, and wait until she's older. Fwiw I would have hated to leave DD so young, but would never judge anyone else for doing so. Is there any flexibility with job (delay start date/part time?)

Haffdonga · 13/08/2020 21:11

Can you negotiate part time or compressed hours?

userabcname · 13/08/2020 21:13

In theory, it's not selfish. In practise...well. i wouldn't have wanted to leave either of mine at that age. Is your dh taking parental leave an option as pp said? Wrt bottles- have you tried different bottles/teats/milk/at different temperatures? My first was a total bottle refuser and I never managed to get him onto them. I have heard that eventually bottle refusers will cave if mum isn't there and they have no access to the breast BUT there may be "reverse cycling" where the baby doesn't really have much milk during the day and feeds all night.

Edinburghfalls · 13/08/2020 21:14

It is recession and it’s true that this could be the best opportunity you have for a long time. Could you ask to do 4 days a week spread over 5 days for 8 months - just till your baby is a year.
If you work from home/have short commute then this would shorten the days. Can you partner make any shifts in pattern? Start at 10 one day and you end at 3/4pm? Or something?

ILoveFood87 · 13/08/2020 21:14

I think its fine but it would not be my personal choice. They grow too fast.

notacooldad · 13/08/2020 21:14

With the current economic situation being uncertain I would absolutely take the job.
My kids are in their early 20s now but I went back to work when they were that age. They were never distressed, performed well, no anxiety or attachment issues. I am close to both lads and couldn't have a closer relationship with them if I tried!!
Thank goodness I did because DH's business collapsed and I was the sole earner until things picked up for him.

I understand that it is emotionally hard. I cried the night before I went back and didn't think I could cope. I soon found I loved having a double life of being a mother and a colleague!

user1487194234 · 13/08/2020 21:15

I would imagine your DH is worried about his job/Money or being the only bread winner

zigzagbetty · 13/08/2020 21:15

As pp have said, could you husband take parental leave and spend a few months bonding with your baby. It might help if you know she is with her dad and not in a nursery at that age. Or alternatively a child minder might give a more personalised experience. It is not the best situation to be and you probably didn't plan it this way but in the current market I would be reluctant to turn the job down. You could try to delay the start date with your new employer, worth a try!

Colom · 13/08/2020 21:16

Personally I do think it's too young but many have done it and you have to do what you have to do. Do you have nursery's in mind? Do they actually take baby's so young? Where I live most won't take them until they are 12months, 9months at the very earliest. I think there's good reason for that.

How about a childminder? My mum went back to work with my sister after 6 weeks as that was all the maternity leave allowed in the 80's and my sister went to a lovely childminder who cared for all of us over the years and who we still have a relationship with. We're all very close to our mum too. The stability of one carer as opposed to numerous nursery staff might make for an easier transition for your little one?

Malbecfan · 13/08/2020 21:17

My younger DD is now 19. She started nursery at 17 weeks as it was the start of the school year and I wanted to go back then, plus maternity leave then wasn't great. We had just started weaning and she was absolutely fine.

At the end of the day, parents of younger children will tell you not to do it, but you have to make the decision that works for you and your family. Both my DDs flourished at nursery and are on decent university courses now. We used a childminder for one morning per week for DD1 but it wasn't anywhere near as good or stimulating as nursery and as soon as there was a place for her at nursery, we took it.

Caterinaballerina · 13/08/2020 21:18

Are you going to be wfh at first due to the pandemic and therefore will you be close by nursery in case you need to do an emergency feeding visit as she settles in. You might never need to because the staff will be wonderful I am sure but it might make you feel better to know you can do it. Best of luck, I think you should go for it with the job.

Wnikat · 13/08/2020 21:19

I would get a nanny for a few weeks, you don’t need to be able to afford it full time, just until she is a bit older. Can you work from home? I worked from home from 3 months onwards and was still able to EBF.

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