Husband thinks 4.5 months old is ok to go to Nursery full time

[plplz]

So I have a 12 week old lovely girl. But I'm not on maternity leave, I'm unemployed. I got an amazing job offer but issue is they want to me to start when DD will be about 20 weeks old.

My girl is EBF and refusing the bottle. She screams and cries and I can't stand hearing her so upset, so naturally I'm feeling very terrible about the prospect of starting a role and putting her in nursery so young, with her struggling with the bottle and feeling so well on the breast.

Husband thinks sending her to nursery so small is fine, but I just can't stand the idea.

Who is unreasonable here? Is 4.5 months really too small for her to go into nursery? I feel bloody selfish.

I got 12 weeks maternity leave with each of mine (I'm in the US) so all three of them went to daycare/nursery from that age. I went back to work part time (3 days a week) to start and only went full-time when each was about 9 months old. I know loads of people who had their babies there fulltime at that age. Because breastfeeding is so popular where I lived, lots of mothers also continued a morning and night feed even when the child was in nursery, We made lots of friends through the daycare - parents of babies we are still friendly with although all our kids have gone to university now.

It is entirely a personal decision. I saw one friend of mine who had her baby in daycare 2 days a week (she earned a fortune in those 2 days) and she was a wreck about it - I think she should have tried not to (for her really not the baby). it did mean we pretty much devoted our weekends to family stuff but that was fine, we liked that.

My 3 are age 18-24 now. All fine, happy kids doing grand. It isn't for every mother and it isn't for every baby either but tbh I don't think being at home fulltime with a baby on your own is for every mother either. It is a very personal decision.

I will say that if you go back to work at 20 weeks rather than a year of maternity leave, it is essential that the father pull his weight evenly with drop offs/pick ups/being at home.

Why doesn’t your husband take a couple of months parental leave to look after the baby until six months plus which is more traditional

If you have a choice, try and find a crèche near work rather than home. It's easier to pop in when settling in, or if there are any upset moments or possible bugs brewing to deal with. That you can just call in for a bit, see if all is ok, and go back to work or make a decision that you need to take DC home - but you are close enough to not have a long time to get there, close enough to go back to work if it's all ok, and dc doesn't have a long wait to see you coming.

And then you get to share the commute with dc also, which is good if there are any delays either at work or while travelling.

Only you know how much you need/want this job, if you don't take the job will you look back and regret not giving it ago?
I personally worked very part time and had family to help and would not have wanted my baby to go to a nursery. However I then went on to work in a baby unit of a nursery for years and the babies (some as young as your baby) came full time and they were cared for so well and settled in quickly. At that age they don't miss their parents as much as the older ones and do it's maybe slightly easier. I now would have no hesitation to leave my little one in a good nursery after having worked in one, just fo your research and ask other parents their opinions.
At the end of the day your baby will be cared for and safe while you work and if you hate being away from your baby and font really need it then leave the job but at least then you've tried it.

In this market and in your financial situation, I’d definitely take the job. Yes, it’s not ideal but a lot of other countries have this as standard due to short maternity leave, and so did the UK until recently. And not just the US, the Netherlands only has 12 weeks of maternity as you have to take 4 weeks before your due date. It’s not ideal but in the long term being a good parent is not just about being there during the baby stage but about building a good future for your family for at least the next 18 years.

Personally I couldn't leave such a small baby in full time childcare. I'd wait for another job in a few months , even if it wasn't as good a job. Just my own opinion.

Both mine went at 5 months as that is all the maternity pay I got. But I knew this was the case when I was thinking about ttc. Didn’t stop me crying when I left them at first though. Mine were both fine and are well balanced adults now!

it isnt wrong. but there is not ahope in hell's chance i would have done that!

your choice. I think 9+ months is prime nursery age, personally.

I came on to suggest shared paternity/parental leave

My work offer this and a few very senior male colleagues have lead the way taking upto 3 months off with their little new babies so their partners can return to work it been great to see the scheme used
On the other hand. My mum was a medical student when she had me. She had final exams when I was 6 weeks old and so she focused on this and my time was split between a childminder and my grandmother- she then had her first placement which was long hours and very demanding by the time I was 3 months!

I know your saying no family help. But i can assure you I have turned out ok! And have a great relationship with both parents even though at just 6 weeks old my mum was effectively "working" again

You decide, you make the choice.

This is only a conversation that you can conclude with your DH.

You have to make sure that he is ok bringing in all the money and being responsible for everything, because it's a big ask.

Unfortunately, it might not come down to what you want, but what you need as a family.

@Italiangreyhound

Surely the husband also has a 50% input?

I went back to work when my pfb (not mocking you, he really was) was 5.5mo old. He was also EBF and refused the bottle right up until I left him. On that point I was worrying for nothing, he didnt eat much during the day the first couple of days (and greeted me like famished vampire) buttheysseenitall beforehand within week he'd take a bottle from anyone who wasn't me.

I expressed at work - they have to make provision for that.

I think although it will feel harder for you, as long as there is a regular key person (or childminder as others have said) it is actually much easier for a baby that age to settle than say an 8 month old. Would have to be a really on the ball nursery though, with experiences baby room staff.

I think I would look for a childminder with kids before and after school but maybe only one or two in the day if at all possible. Obviously this would vary depending on the area you live. Or maybe a nanny share or similar so its more 1 to 2 care or similar.

As an ex nursery manager we used to take babies from 6 weeks and was fine in a set room so it’s all safe and set up for their needs. The social skills they learn are invaluable it’s 100% a personal choice and maybe not whet you wanted but in this recession any job offer is great as most will be not hiring or just taking on apprentices etc xx

I think it's sad for the baby. Breast feeding is amazing for the baby's health. And pumped milk won't be the same as being close to mum. I wouldn't leave the baby unless I was absolutely desperate.

Take the job. Comments suggesting you wait for another job in a few months are not taking into account the absolute shit show the country is in. We are already in recession. There will be a big hike in unemployment when furlough ends. The government is completely bankrupting itself trying to bail everyone out. It's going to get a lot worse before it gets better.

You will struggle far more than your baby. Provided she is fed, and looked after she will be fine. She won't even remember whether you were there or not at that stage in their life.

your DH thinks it's fine. Does your DH also understand that he would have to do a significant amounts of night wakings, nursery runs, laundry, cooking, shopping (I just assume that you are doing the lion share of those as you are at home). IME, often husband tend to forget about these and only consider the financial aspect.

other than that - totally up to you. 4.5 months is young but not that early. Also, if this makes you the higher earner, could DP maybe go part time?

If you want the job, I'd take it. Good luck whatever you decide.

Take the job - if it's awful and it's not working out then you can leave. It's worth a try. Hard with a non-bottle taking breastfed baby, I've been there, maybe express and use a cup?

Illegitiminoncarborundum

"Surely the husband also has a 50% input?"

How are you reaching that 50% figure?

Do you mean because 50% of the genetic material came from the dad to make the baby? If so, I don't think it means the dad necessarily knows what is best (in this situation).

It's certainly not because he has done 50% of carrying the baby, 50% of birthing the baby, or 50% of feeding and I'd hazard a guess he hasn't done 50% of child care either.

I think with very young babies, all things being equal, mum knows best.

If the family were due to lose their home and there would be a major catastrophy if the mum did not go back to work then maybe common sense would require it. But if they can manage without that happening, then I'd say it's best to wait.

I went back part-time when dd was 8 months and that plenty early enough for me. Ideally, these things are best discussed before baby is conceived

@Spinakker

God help those children who are fed through a bottle. How on earth have they survived

If mum wanted to go back to work, I;d say it is fine.

@Italiangreyhound

Erm, no.

Quite simply on the basis that a partnership is 50% each. And the OP is asking in this situation that it is her DH contributes 100% financially even though they need more money.

So logically, it isn't fair.

@Illegitiminoncarborundum I was tempted to post similar

I was bottle fed. I believe I am largely normal, and I don't hate my DM.