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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel very sad that DSS doesn't like DS and

235 replies

AlittleSad5 · 13/08/2020 15:24

DSS(7) has just announced that he doesn't like my DS (3 and has autism) and he isn't his friend. When DS tries to play with him he tells him to go away, and favours playing with DD (15 months) who he loves.. even though DS can do alot more and in theory would be a much more fun playmate.

I feel ridiculous for being so sad as kids will be kids, but it hurts.

I worry for DS's future as he's still non verbal with no indication that he's going to be able to speak anytime soon, he's avoidant around children in general but absolutely loves it when DSS comes round and always tries to engage with him only to be shooed away.

AIBU to feel so deflated over this?

OP posts:
dwiz8 · 13/08/2020 20:51

@Vivi0 oh but it is

DSS not interested in playing with younger sibling - help he is being so mean

DS not interested in DD - oh that's fine

Notonthestairs · 13/08/2020 20:53

Op it might be worth posting on the SEN boards - there will be parents there that have siblings that don't get on (for a variety of reasons) and you might pick up in some helpful advice on how best to support both DSS and DS to develop a better relationship.

I have a NT child and a child with complex learning disabilities. Relationships can be fraught but it is different from your average sibling relationship because one child is unable (not unwilling) to follow social cues and unable to communicate clearly.

I accept my kids will argue, probablyneed to really - but they are not allowed to be unkind - that goes for both of them.

Embracelife · 13/08/2020 20:54

Ypur dss is telling you it s hard with ds with asd. He might not be expressing it well.
It s hard for adults sometimes let alone a 7 yr old.
You could show dss for five minutes how to interact.
Listen and acknowledge
"Yes it s sometimes hard to play with ds because he has autism
But ds really likes it if we do xxccc with him. Shall we try ?"
Have you been able to get to siblings groups? You could slso contact sibs for ideas
www.sibs.org.uk/supporting-young-siblings/

Vivi0 · 13/08/2020 20:56

[quote dwiz8]@Vivi0 oh but it is

DSS not interested in playing with younger sibling - help he is being so mean

DS not interested in DD - oh that's fine

[/quote]
The OP’s autistic DS isn’t interested in engaging with any child.

The OP’s NT DSS isn’t interested in engaging with her DS only.

So, no, not the same.

Countrysidelife54 · 13/08/2020 20:57

No @dwiz8 you are the one that has no clue!
When you have a child that is struggling it fucking hurts! You are being totally heartless to the op.
Especially that line 'your son with being non verbal will have unfortunately many children not being nice to him.'
You are absolutely disgusting, you need to go and learn some kindness yourself!

AllsortsofAwkward · 13/08/2020 20:58

Tbh youre ds is only 3 and youre dss is 7 so you can't have been together long before you had youre dd and lived together. Its hard blending families and step siblings don't always see eye to eye especially when another child is brought into the mix. Does his get one to one time with his dad.

EarringsandLipstick · 13/08/2020 20:59

@OneForMeToo

If he wasn’t a step his would you treat this?

I have three children 11,8 and 4. The 11 and 8 year old don’t get on but the 11 and 4 year old are best buddies. That’s a Ds and Dd pair too. The 4 year old is cute to the 11 year old and will basically do whatever he wants where as the 8 year old always wanted to just join in and bug him and wouldn’t play how he wanted so they don’t get on so well apart from a couple of particular things.

If he had said he hated her I would say that’s not kind and talk but if he said she isn’t his friend well that’s true they are siblings not friends. Did I force them to play? No because I hated being forced to play with my little brother with a 3 year age gap.

Dss had the balloon, ds got the balloon, dss took it back and gave it to the youngest. That’s not something I would say is out of the norm in a threesome where two siblings get along well and one doesn’t.

My oldest will tel my youngest to call middle stinky or whatever because he thinks it’s funny and little loves him like the sun and the stars. We talk say it’s not ok to call middle stinky. We don’t make it a huge deal about being a bully or anything just being nice but oldest and middle are never while children always going to be the ones who are the fab duo.

Really sensible post here

OP I do see some of your points but I think you are being unfair to some posters especially @dwiz8

It may be hard to hear it but it does seem an awfully fast transition for your DH to have moved from his marriage, and living with DSS, to a new relationship & new baby within a year.

For DSS, he's not going to have known that they were living as friends for 18 months previously.

I'd back off completely. Correct anything mean but don't force it. 7 & 3 year olds are not natural playmates anyway 🤷🏻‍♀️

gobbynorthernbird · 13/08/2020 21:00

The OP’s autistic DS isn’t interested in engaging with any child

Erm, he obviously is or this whole post wouldn't exist.

dwiz8 · 13/08/2020 21:00

@Vivi0 I see you missed the post where OP said she pushed for DSS to be assessed?

You don't know he is NT.

And DS does have an interest in some children, DSS being one

Vivi0 · 13/08/2020 21:01

I agree with @Notonthestairs regarding posting on the SEN boards.

You are now starting to get incredibly ignorant comments about your DS, as well as the usual comments demonising stepparents.

dwiz8 · 13/08/2020 21:02

@Countrysidelife54

No *@dwiz8* you are the one that has no clue! When you have a child that is struggling it fucking hurts! You are being totally heartless to the op. Especially that line 'your son with being non verbal will have unfortunately many children not being nice to him.' You are absolutely disgusting, you need to go and learn some kindness yourself!
DSS is also hurt and struggling but clearly the OP only seems to cater for her sons feelings
gobbynorthernbird · 13/08/2020 21:02

@Countrysidelife54

No *@dwiz8* you are the one that has no clue! When you have a child that is struggling it fucking hurts! You are being totally heartless to the op. Especially that line 'your son with being non verbal will have unfortunately many children not being nice to him.' You are absolutely disgusting, you need to go and learn some kindness yourself!
There are potentially 2 struggling children here.
CarelessSquid07A · 13/08/2020 21:03

Being followed around by someone younger isnt always great and its understandable that your Dss wont always want to play,and maybe he is struggling with the fact his brother is different.

Does he not interact with him at all? Or is this a one off over a couple of days?

I would even suggest asking Dss to pick one thing to do with his brother as DS likes him so much, there's some fantastic short videos of songs being signed and sung etc that could be fun for them to watch and play at together.Then dont pressure him for anything else.

Obviously its disappointing for you as Ds likes him so much, but the fact that he does that with Dss means he can do it with others as well just not yet.

Original poster
AlittleSad5 · 13/08/2020 21:05

your son with being non verbal will have unfortunately many children not being nice to him.

Has it occurred to you for just one second that may be the reason I'm hurt? To me, it's a sign of things to come.

DS will be on the receiving end of things like this his entire life. It's not unreasonable for me to be not wanting him to go through it in his own home.

Tolerance is all I ask of DSS, nothing more. Kindness would be a bonus.

You clearly have very little compassion for my disabled toddler yet you're on here telling me how I have no compassion for DSS who has been treat with nothing but love and respect.

I've no interest in talking to or hearing from you again so this will be the last time I reply to any of your posts and will skip past subsequent ones.

You are an extremely rude person who thinks they know it all and I would go as far as to say you're malicious to boot.

No response nessecary.

OP posts:
dwiz8 · 13/08/2020 21:06

@AlittleSad5

your son with being non verbal will have unfortunately many children not being nice to him.

Has it occurred to you for just one second that may be the reason I'm hurt? To me, it's a sign of things to come.

DS will be on the receiving end of things like this his entire life. It's not unreasonable for me to be not wanting him to go through it in his own home.

Tolerance is all I ask of DSS, nothing more. Kindness would be a bonus.

You clearly have very little compassion for my disabled toddler yet you're on here telling me how I have no compassion for DSS who has been treat with nothing but love and respect.

I've no interest in talking to or hearing from you again so this will be the last time I reply to any of your posts and will skip past subsequent ones.

You are an extremely rude person who thinks they know it all and I would go as far as to say you're malicious to boot.

No response nessecary.

Being this sensitive won't do you or your son any favours

Your DSS isn't being unkind, he is being honest

You're so blinkered to not accept your DSS is clearly struggling and are only focusing on how your child is effected

AlittleSad5 · 13/08/2020 21:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn as it quotes a deleted post.

EarringsandLipstick · 13/08/2020 21:09

@AlittleSad5

Tolerance is all I ask of DSS, nothing more.

I really understand this is hurting you.

What I'd say is, you're acting like this is straightforward for a 7yo. 7yos are still children. They aren't great at tolerance & lots of other things especially within their home!

You need to understand things from DSS point if view too. That doesn't mean he can be hurtful or mean, but when you correct that, you need to try & get to his level & empathise with him.

To me, it feels like you're weighing DSS down with the weight of the upset & worry you naturally feel about DS.

EarringsandLipstick · 13/08/2020 21:11

Deliverance is everything and she has been nothing but rude and condescending. The post about my son being non verbal was the icing on the cake. The woman is a nasty piece of work.

I think that line was unfortunate but I think you're being very harsh about @dwiz8

I feel she makes good points, albeit directly.

You're being a bit nasty yourself, OP

Countrysidelife54 · 13/08/2020 21:13

'You are now starting to get incredibly ignorant comments about your DS, as well as the usual comments demonising stepparents.'

Totally agree!
The ignorant idiots are out in force tonight.
Sorry Op I remember how much my little boy struggled at 3 and the only way I can describe it is I felt he really struggled mentally to be interested in anything at all it was so hard, I can't imagine reading some of the ignorant comments on here tonight at the same time as going through all of that.
Dont read it anymore op Flowers

Snog · 13/08/2020 21:17

Have you told DSS how special he is in that DS only responds to him and not to other children?

Original poster
AlittleSad5 · 13/08/2020 21:18

I'm going to bow out now, being reminded that my DS will be treat differently all of his life because of his disability shows exactly what sort of people trawl this board and I don't want to read it any longer.

Thank you those of you who have been kind, even those of you who have been direct (without being cruel)

I'll take on board the replies and proceed accordingly.

OP posts:
Original poster
AlittleSad5 · 13/08/2020 21:20

@Snog

Have you told DSS how special he is in that DS only responds to him and not to other children?
Yes I have. I've also explained to DSS why DS is different, explained why he is the way he is and how amazing it is (for me and DH) to see how fond he is of his big brother. He knows that he is very special for DS to love and want to play with him. He isn't receptive.

Thanks all. Have a nice evening.

OP posts:
Embracelife · 13/08/2020 21:20

Hos is your dh with ds? Are you both equally positive despite the challenges? It is hard wirh three dc one ASD. Get some advice ftom SEN boards. Dont put all blame on dss...he needs some support too and to be shown how he can interact with ds. Acknowledge ds is different and yes it s different interaction. But show him by you and dh doing...show just how ds can interact. Hey dss look how ds likes patting the ball. Let s copy him ! You may need to model behaviour and find something ds likes and invite dss to join in .

AllsortsofAwkward · 13/08/2020 21:21

Cross post didnt realise they were half siblings. Whilst I feel sorry for youre ds op. There's numberous threads of the step parenting boards of blending families struggling when they been together years. You were effectively a stranger to him and didnt really build up that much of a relationship before an rival of a new sibling that came from someone not his mother not to meantion visiting a strange new house. I think he likely associates his new brother with the upheaval he experienced at that age he likely felt replaced. His sister is different as he sees a cute baby girl who doesn't bother him.

Saz12 · 13/08/2020 21:24

OP, I do think that your 3-year old DS’s autism colours how YOU feel about the dynamic, but not the situation itself from DSS perspective. He’s only 7 and doesn’t come equipped with either anti-autism prejudices nor skills to deal with life (or 3-year olds, NT or otherwise!).

DS is not old enough to be a playmate to DSS, but too old to be a “dolly” in the way that DD can be. IMO it probably isn’t about DS having autism in DSS mind.

DS is non-verbal (so far...) but I bet DD isn’t a great conversationalist either: it’s not the social skills or communication skills that’s putting DSS off.

DSS needs to be told that he has to at LEAST be tolerant/ kind to his younger siblings, even if he doesn’t want to be friends with them.