To feel very sad that DSS doesn't like DS and

[AlittleSad5]

DSS(7) has just announced that he doesn't like my DS (3 and has autism) and he isn't his friend. When DS tries to play with him he tells him to go away, and favours playing with DD (15 months) who he loves.. even though DS can do alot more and in theory would be a much more fun playmate.

I feel ridiculous for being so sad as kids will be kids, but it hurts.

I worry for DS's future as he's still non verbal with no indication that he's going to be able to speak anytime soon, he's avoidant around children in general but absolutely loves it when DSS comes round and always tries to engage with him only to be shooed away.

AIBU to feel so deflated over this?

If he wasn’t a step his would you treat this?

I have three children 11,8 and 4. The 11 and 8 year old don’t get on but the 11 and 4 year old are best buddies. That’s a Ds and Dd pair too. The 4 year old is cute to the 11 year old and will basically do whatever he wants where as the 8 year old always wanted to just join in and bug him and wouldn’t play how he wanted so they don’t get on so well apart from a couple of particular things.

If he had said he hated her I would say that’s not kind and talk but if he said she isn’t his friend well that’s true they are siblings not friends. Did I force them to play? No because I hated being forced to play with my little brother with a 3 year age gap.

Dss had the balloon, ds got the balloon, dss took it back and gave it to the youngest. That’s not something I would say is out of the norm in a threesome where two siblings get along well and one doesn’t.

My oldest will tel my youngest to call middle stinky or whatever because he thinks it’s funny and little loves him like the sun and the stars. We talk say it’s not ok to call middle stinky. We don’t make it a huge deal about being a bully or anything just being nice but oldest and middle are never while children always going to be the ones who are the fab duo.

And if it is the 3 year old personally then he might need help to process how he really feels about a non verbal child who doesn’t do what other preschoolers do and devise ways to help him manage those feelings so that the whole family benefit.

Absolutely not.

It's always the fact that adults don't seem to realise they don't have the right to go off and recreate second families without standing up for the children they've created before.

People shouldn't be selfishly going off and blending families

Absolutely yes.

None of us have any idea regarding the circumstances of @AlittleSad5 conception, the decisions behind it or how her DSS feels about any of it. And I would suggest DSS is fine with having siblings seeing as he’s all for the little sister and not the little brother, that gives me the impression the real issue here is the lads autism and possible intolerance or confusion coming from DSS not that he’s a brother he didn’t want.

Moving on and finding love and having more children is not selfish in the least.

It's absolute bullshit that people are coming on here insinuating that it doesn't matter how he treats DS because it's our fault for bringing him into the world and making him DSS' problem.

People are trying to offer up reasons for dss behaviour. Once you get to the root cause then you can support all the family to sort it out.

I think it lazy and a cop out to brand a 7 year old a bully and infer he’s being unkind to your ds because he had autism when there could welll be other factors at play.

You may need to accept that he may never like him.
You can't punish him for telling the truth.
Did you ask him why he didn't like him?
Are there specific actions he doesn't like?
Did he want his game interrupted?
He was playing nicely alone he shouldn't have to share everything.

OP, you are not hearing people. You, are thinking about this as an ADULT. Not as a 7 year old child. In order to understand your DSS, you need to get into a 7 year old boy's mind. You say he wasn't pushed out, but maybe HE feels like he was. Instead of lashing out at posters who are simply seeing the obviousness of this, the obviousness that your closeness to the situation prevents you from seeing, stop trying to fight us and just listen and hear us, and take it in, and think. Perhaps it may be beneficial to get advice from a child Psychologist. They may be able to explain it better than we can, but it will help if you keep an open mind, don't get all defensive, and just listen to the CP.

All I want is for him to be tolerant and kind.

Then praise praise praise DSS every time he shows the tolerance and kindness you want to encourage.
Oh wow, DSS you spoke to DS so gently then when he wanted the balloon. You're so kind. Oh DSS it's great how you're showing dd and ds to share and take turns with the balloon. I really think you're such a helpful big brother. They are really learning what you're showing them!

Catch him being kind or even just not unkind and make sure he is proud of himself.

@talismankeeper

OP I completely get where you are coming from and would feel similarly distressed by this.

I wonder if a book about having a sibling with autism or additional needs might help him to understand. I remember reading Red Sky in the Morning by Elizabeth Laird, as a child, which is about a child accepting and loving their younger sibling with additional needs. It might be that other books are available too.

I am a SALT and just wanted to say it is really encouraging that your DS is initiating with your DSS and trying to join in games and play with him. I know it must hurt to see that rejection but that motivation to communicate is there from your DS even if the words aren't yet- hopefully those will come in time.

Maybe you could do some really fun activities with your focus on your DS, that your DSS might want to join in too. For example, some of the activities from Gina Davies from Attention Autism like a lemonade volcano or similar. She has a Facebook page with videos of fun ideas. Your DSS could maybe help out by getting the equipment you need ready.

All the best to you OP.

Thank you for your kind post (and the others who are offering genuine advice and not just having a pop at me)

Yes it's very encouraging to see DS taking an interest in DSS, I would go as far as to say it's amazing (to me)

DS is a very introverted little boy who has never, until now, taken a shine to another child. He tolerates DD but he doesn't try to engage her in play.

It was very saddening to see such an incredible (to me) act of engagement from DS shut down and to then be told he isn't liked. It has taken so long for him to get to this stage and I don't want his confidence to be knocked.

I will definitely be taking these suggestions on board, also play therapy as mentioned by PP. I will discuss with DH tomorrow.

@Bbang

Absolutely not.

It's always the fact that adults don't seem to realise they don't have the right to go off and recreate second families without standing up for the children they've created before.

People shouldn't be selfishly going off and blending families

Absolutely yes.

None of us have any idea regarding the circumstances of @AlittleSad5 conception, the decisions behind it or how her DSS feels about any of it. And I would suggest DSS is fine with having siblings seeing as he’s all for the little sister and not the little brother, that gives me the impression the real issue here is the lads autism and possible intolerance or confusion coming from DSS not that he’s a brother he didn’t want.

Moving on and finding love and having more children is not selfish in the least.

Yes it is. Creating children is selfish. Her husband wasn't entitled to a new wife or more children. What should've been his main focus was the child he had. The boards are full of screwed up threads based around adults being selfish and jamming kids together.

So many people blaming Op and DH for moving on quickly.

I have no doubt it must be hard on children. Regardless of the reasons why,OP’s step son doesn’t have an excuse to be unkind.

I would be making sure this was addressed quite firmly.

I don’t expect my children to spend every minute playing together but they are taught to show respect to one another.

@AlittleSad5 are you equally annoyed that your DS has little interest in DD?

I am thinking not...

You need to praise your DSS for involving DS, not moan when he doesn't want to. Parenting basics are what is lacking in this situation

• DS is a very introverted little boy who has never, until now, taken a shine to another child. He tolerates DD but he doesn't try to engage her in play.

It was very saddening to see such an incredible (to me) act of engagement from DS shut down and to then be told he isn't liked. It has taken so long for him to get to this stage and I don't want his confidence to be knocked.*

But this is not a 7 year olds responsibility.

@AskingforaBaskin

What an earth? You are ridiculous and need professional help.

are you equally annoyed that your DS has little interest in DD?

That is a very good point, dwiz8.

Does DSS get one on one time with your DH? Perhaps there's some feelings wrongly or rightly about sharing with a brother.

Obviously it's not ok to speak to your DS that way, it's fine to not want to play but not to expand on that with I dont like you or emphasize his favoritism of his sister.

I would try some fun activities for both boys that your organise, that becomes their thing. Just 10 mins or so of football or something like that.

Is your DS learning Makaton or have any other non verbal communication? Teaching DSS this and having them practice together maybe?

I wouldnt force them to have more than short interactions, just teach DSS a specific response to say if he doesnt want to play.

Does DS have any behaviours that perhaps DSS is embarrassed about? Or could be being teased about at school or with friends? Could that be the issue?

Perhaps he doesnt really know how to process that the little 3 year old is “different” and because he doesnt know how to deal with it its easier for him not to play with him, given time hopefully he will come to accept and be happy or at ease in little ones company

'It was very saddening to see such an incredible (to me) act of engagement from DS shut down and to then be told he isn't liked. It has taken so long for him to get to this stage and I don't want his confidence to be knocked.'

I totally understand where you are coming from op
Please ignore the twats on this thread

Clearly he doesn't feel like he has the reassurance he needs.

With respect, this isn't clear at all, it's one theory. Lots of people have said that their children say things like this to other children/siblings without having ever been in a blended family scenario. Lots of people have said that kids in general are just blunt. It's not a given that the way he is acting has anything to do with the blended family. He could very well just be like that. There is also the added element of DSs additional needs that could be equally likely to be the cause.

DS is a very introverted little boy who has never, until now, taken a shine to another child. He tolerates DD but he doesn't try to engage her in play

It was very saddening to see such an incredible (to me) act of engagement from DS shut down and to then be told he isn't liked. It has taken so long for him to get to this stage and I don't want his confidence to be knocked

But this is not a 7 year olds responsibility.

@AskingforaBaskin

That is all kinds of fucked up.

@aSofaNearYou

Clearly he doesn't feel like he has the reassurance he needs.

With respect, this isn't clear at all, it's one theory. Lots of people have said that their children say things like this to other children/siblings without having ever been in a blended family scenario. Lots of people have said that kids in general are just blunt. It's not a given that the way he is acting has anything to do with the blended family. He could very well just be like that. There is also the added element of DSs additional needs that could be equally likely to be the cause.

For every action there is a reaction. Clearly from what the OP has said DSS hasn't had the easiest time of it

Parents spit, new step mum, new brother all in a year. Now doesn't see his dad as much, when he does see his dad there is another women and baby taking up some of his attention.

Then in comes a baby sister who he likes because she is cute and he can play with her how he wants, but still another attention drain.

It's basic cause and effect.

Plus the Op has said her DS doesn't bother with DD and I bet my bottom dollar she doesn't have the same issue with that, because it's clear DSS is treated differently.

[quote dwiz8]@AlittleSad5 are you equally annoyed that your DS has little interest in DD?

I am thinking not...

You need to praise your DSS for involving DS, not moan when he doesn't want to. Parenting basics are what is lacking in this situation

[/quote]
It’s not even remotely the same, is it?

[quote dwiz8]@AlittleSad5 are you equally annoyed that your DS has little interest in DD?

I am thinking not...

You need to praise your DSS for involving DS, not moan when he doesn't want to. Parenting basics are what is lacking in this situation

[/quote]
DD isn't telling us she doesn't like DS or telling him to go away when he wants to play with her. If that time comes then absolutely she will be told that's not ok and she must be kind.

I don't expect them to be inseparable, just tolerant.

I do praise DSS continuously. I'm very conscious to make sure he feels proud/praised at every opportunity. If we ask him to turn off the console so DS can watch cartoons for half an hour and he does, he is told how lovely he is for sharing and how proud I am to see him being kind to his brother. He's such a good boy etc.

I'll continue to do this, in the many little ways it manifests itself, and will encourage DH to do the same.

DSS does get alone time with DH yes.

DS is undergoing speech therapy at the moment, this has been shelved due to the pandemic but he will recommence again ASAP.

He is in a special needs nursery and they are attempting to teach him makaton (he hasn't picked anything up yet)

@AlittleSad5 does it matter, your son has no interest in his younger sibling. It's the exact same issue but of course will be treated differently...

You honestly have no clue. Many people on here are trying to help you understand what your DSS might be feeling and all you care about is 'but he is mean to my son' with the greatest respect siblings are mean to each other, your son with being non verbal will have unfortunately many children not being nice to him.

I had another sibling a year after my parents divorced and my sister (same age as DSS at the time) was a bit like this. We weren't pushed out at all and treated exactly the same, but you do feel a bit like wtf. It's a lot of changes in a short period of time and is quite poor form in my opinion. However his behaviour is not okay at all and poor DS doesn't deserve to be treated that way. His Dad needs to stop letting it slide and should try to figure out why DSS feels like this.