Comments about DD’s hair texture

[AbsolutelyPositively]

Inspired to ask after following another thread. I’ll start by giving context:

I’m mixed race. My mother is black Caribbean and my father was white British. I very much have Afro hair, it’s just like my mother’s. My husband is white British. We have two DC, and genetics are a strange thing indeed. DS has strawberry blonde hair that is curly and very fine. DD has rich dark brown hair that is long, curly and is much thicker than DS’s hair. Neither of them have Afro hair, however.

Since finding out I was pregnant, MIL regularly asked DH what he would do if ‘they came out with Afro hair?’. He would typically shrug this off as ignorant and tell her that it wouldn’t bother him either way. After they were born, MIL would sometimes assess their hair and in a panicked tone say ‘I think it’s gonna turn Afro’. Again, we told her that wouldn’t be a problem for us, so not to worry.

Fast forward to three days ago. PIL were visiting. I was getting DC ready to go for a walk. I brushed DS’s hair (we haven’t had it cut yet because he likes to be able to have it brushed alongside his sister). Then I brushed DD’s hair. That’s a bit more of a task because it’s thicker, it can get a bit tangled, she struggles and pulls away. MIL is sitting next to me while I’m doing this, watching the struggle, and says to me ‘So does she have the Afro hair then?’. In exactly those words.

I wasn’t rude or anything. I said no, I explained that her hair texture is nothing like mine or my mother’s. She said ‘Oh, that’s good, that’s alright then’.

It really irked me. It made me feel a lot more annoyed than I’d felt before about all of this. Later, when I was talking to my DM I told her about this and DM was very upset. She said that she’s worried about DC growing up around a family that is so ignorant, and she believes they are racist. She mentioned that she thought they were racist before and hadn’t told me so as not to upset me.

I’m very interested to know what other people think. What are people’s thoughts? Am I BU for feeling annoyed at this?

@Wavescrashingonthebeach
Remember those adorable babies interrupting the news broadcast and everyone automatically assumed Mum was the Nanny? And even when you said "No, that's their Mum" they still argued! SMH

I remember that - that was a great clip, really felt for the mum being a parent myself, mine would have been the exact same at that age, i'd have been like can't even take my eyes off for 2 friggin seconds
As I recall there was a thread on here about it and people were doing exactly what you said

@Diverami
She may be suffering from dementia

How do you get that from the OP's posts, has she said anywhere that she has dementia symptoms? Or is that trying to excuse or explain away what she's doing?

@MadameBoulaye

This is rude and hurtful and is aimed at you from a racism perspective. One thing that really struck me through the whole BLM campaign is that many black women felt/feel obliged to disguise their Afro hair to disconnect from slavery and to fit better into society. I’d wondered why wigs and weaves were so important to them. This really shocked and saddened me because I love Afro hair and think this should be worn loudly and proudly by black women! I think the MIL needs a stern talking to as a wake-up call to bring her into modern society.

I know I can't speak for all BAME people in the slightest, but personally it's really touching to see that somebody understands this issue the way you do. I have spent years damaging and hiding my hair, I've always thought it was a joke to people (and it actually has been a joke to a lot of people in my adult life). Thank you so much for taking the time to consider this, and for sharing those kind words.

@Toomuchtrouble4me

Next time..."Gosh I really hope so, mine didn't turn Afro until I was 10 so there's still hope...Just fingers crossed that they don't have your nose..."

😂

@Quaagars

Ive watched a few interviews with them, such a lovely family and that clip brings joy and humour to this sad old world we live in! But ARGH it was the people that were adamant that she just couldnt be the Mum after being repeatedly told she was that made me want to bang my head against the wall!!!

Hi,
Your MIL is definitely racist and I would not want my child around such person unless she’s willing to change.

In my opinion, I think you need to educate your MIL and FIL on why your children should be proud of their hair. It’s hurtful and distract to your mum and if my daughter came to me with this, I would be given them a piece of my mind. I also understand why your much chose not to say anything.

It feels like your MIL doesn’t want anything which will remind her that her grand children are partially black.
That’s really sad!
I would sit here down and tell her and show her how white people have taught black people, specially black women to hate everything, from their big bums, all the way to their hairs.
How girls have suffered burns to their scalps while relaxing their hair because they were constantly told they were not beautiful enough unless they had straight hair.
How black women still have to hide their hairs and find “professional styles” because despite the natural hair movement, an Afro is still seen as a unprofessional hairstyle.
This just goes to show once again, despite people saying racism is not as bad as it used to be and what is the point of BLM, that things have changed very little.

I’m black, my daughter’s dad is white Italian.
His family has curly hair and my daughter has tight curls and at the back of her hair she has a different texture closer to my hair texture. My hair is tightly coiled and kinky and I love it.
I have been natural for over 5 years.
The reason why I relaxed my hair was because growing up, my mum didn’t know what to do with it.
I’m super proud of my hair and that’s how I wear it. Loud and proud.
I know some people look at my hair and don’t like but I really do not care.
I have evolved so much and in my conversations with the father of my daughter, I tell him that it will take a long time to see change but I will make damn sure that my child of proud to be my daughter. A BLACK woman.

Also forgot to say, your husband also needs to speak to his parents and I would tell him if he doesn’t do anything.
I would not be having them over.
Silence is compliance.

Something your MiL would do well to learn is that curiosity should never trump manners.

If I had a grandchild with afro hair I guess I would watch YouTube videos or very politely ask my DiL for tips.

I would say it's racism and one for your DH to tackle.

Grrrrrr to your MIL!!! OP, try this on your DDs hair - it does wonder for my DDs corkscrew curls (and my own extremely thick curly hair), and I know loads of people who swear by it. www.boots.com/boots-essentials-curl-creme-250ml-10088417

I think shes just ignorant, she might just be as a white woman who is used to white textured hair a little scared of afro hair as it seems,, as It would to most white pwiple who havent had to style or take care of afro hair like it's hard work to look after ect. I think she is just showing her age and ignorance in the subject, this is her granddaughters hair shes talking about I'm sure she doenst mean any harm, perhaps if she keeps being it up then ask her why she does?

@Pesimistic don’t be under any illusion because someone has a mixed race child or grandchild that they are not racists. This is not the case many white women have mixed raced children yet still hold racists views.
We should not be down playing the situation OP has explained and it’s quite clear what type of her the grandmother prefers

YA most definitely NBU
I would have asked her before now exactly why does she keep bringing it up and why it would be a problem if they had. Force her in to either admitting she’s racist or backing the hell off.
I’m sorry you are having to deal with this

Your mil is being rascist no doubt about it.
And utterly rude. A grandparent shouldn't care what genes a grandchild is blessed with. She's insulting her grandchildren, her son, you and your mum and i think the more she is getting away with it the more open her rascist views willl get.
Age is no excuse for rascism in this country all the Victorian's are dead. People who still express rascist views do so because they want to and because they get away with it. Your husband has to challenge his mother otherwise he is showing his children to accept that their genes are not something to be proud of.
A presenter on GMTV only yesterday returned to the screen and through lockdown hadn't had his hair shaved and was finally in his 40s embracing what nature has blessed him with.
I hate my hair - very fine, verging on none, mouse coloured, waste of time no style - your children would be blessed not to have that hairtype.
And fatherinlaw should eat what you serve him unless he has food allergies more digs at you because of her perception of you because if your colour.
If you look back she must have been having prejudice digs since you got with her son ? Sometimes i can see Mother in law's side on mumsnet but this isn't a MIL problem this is an ingrained ignorant rascist problem.

It’s rascist and cannot go unchallenged. Calmly tell her it is and acknowledge that you have allowed her comments to continue without having addressed it the first time it happened. Be clear you are not going to tolerate her scrutinising your DC hair nor making these derogatory comments again. I would not want my children to be exposed to this and would want to also address it with them in an age appropriate way. Why did you allow it more than once?

Test

I know a mixed race couple who are excitedly expecting their new baby. They have chosen to not know the boy or girl until they are born. they have girls so far and have told me as a friend that they hope it's a boy because it takes so long to untangle the girls hair. Boys just have it cut short. I think that is just a fact and a real issue for parents. Of course I think your MIL comments are not courteous but avoid casting her as a racist. But please take the higher ground. Flood her with kindness and love and laugh off her comments as a shortfall on her part. Focus on all the good things that demonstrate she loves you all and thank her more. Call it "charm offensive".

they hope it's a boy because it takes so long to untangle the girls hair. Boys just have it cut short. I think that is just a fact and a real issue for parents

What is a fact? That all mixed race boys have short hair? That mixed race hair is difficult to detangle? A lot of generalisations based on one “mixed race” couple.

I have a rather unusual physiology. My body does not fit standard sizes and I am taller than most men which narrowed my choices of men to date. Most couples do tend to have a taller man. No amount of effort in the morning can change my height. Difficult to find clothes that fit also. I would love to have a daughter and I would be aware also that a daughter would face similar challenges. I am not getting angry with men for on the whole prefering to consider shorter women than themselves. Its not some "ism" or "phobia". It just is. Women do tend to take more time and care on our appearance and to be judged more too. But I also think there are expectations on men that women do not experience so much. It's worth examining and challenging how we think and are judged. But not leaping to "all or nothing" conclusions. I wish you much joy with all your children. They really are a blessing. Every life matters from conception. No exception.

My brothers both have silkier hair than me. I used to think it was because they got it cut off so regularly that the regrowth would just be 'nicer' than my hair. Since I've had DS I've realised that's not true at all. Also my youngest brother made the decision a few years ago to grow his hair. It's still a lot silkier than mine, he is proud to wear it as an Afro or have it plaited. I'm proud of him for being so confident. I think we have to remember that it's only harder to detangle girls' hair because of persistent gender stereotypes. I'm not in a rush to cut DS's hair because right now he enjoys having it brushed just like his sister. And if in future DD wants to chop all of hers off I'll cry myself to sleep every night happily let her .

@UnionistMum as a woman with a black mother I can say that I'm eternally proud of her and of everything she's taught me to be. Your daughter may have wobbles (I did, I'm not proud) but don't be disheartened, you're her beautiful mum I hope I can take my own advice in the not too distant future 

@Luddite26 I have a close friend who it sounds like has your exact hair type. She used to tell me how much she wanted my hair, and I would tell her how much I wanted hers! Her hair is beautiful and I'm positive yours is too, even if it makes you grumble . I have been thinking back to figure out if there have been any other passive digs. I did remember a comment made over a year ago which actually now makes me shudder, it wasn't about me though but about a black male 'friend' of hers. I'm starting to think I've been quite ignorant myself all this time

Wow...I think I'd cry if my MIL was like this but I am lucky. Get the kids to give her a book for Christmas or Birthday that she can read to them, The Mega Magic Hair Swap is a fantastic book, we have others aswel but this one will make the point. Your MIL is racist and by her wording it wasn't misplaced curiosity or concern for maintenance ( if I ever heard such excuses for racist behaviour). Describing your child's hair as 'The Afro Hair' it's not The Plague FFS. And as above challenge her behaviour and watch her like a hawk around the kids.
And fair play to your husband for becoming more aware of the issues that surround his family unit, my OH had his eyes opened a little more too.
Oh and hair maintenance, I can tell you what we do. Only wash once a week (5yr old with hair down to her bum is a headache lol), use Palmers Olive oil conditioning spray as needed and for an extra bit of moisture a smidge of Jamaican black castor oil at the ends and at the front ( the blonde bits at the front get a bit wispy in the sun). We also plait or twist it every day there's lots of lovely pics on Pinterest for inspiration.

Agree with other posters, just reply “ what’s the problem with Afro hair “ ?, this would force her to explain herself. This can’t go on though, I think your DH needs to ask her about her attitude.

I think it’s coming more from her being ignorant. My white mother often comments when I’m combing my children’s Afro hair that maybe I should get it cut . She doesn’t like to see them flinch when getting their hair combed. However she has never made any other comment in reference to them being black with Afro hair.

Some comments on here seem to suggest that that black women with Afro hair who choose to have their hair treated are somehow to be viewed as conforming to ill founded expectations? Is that the case? I adjust the colour of my hair as its natural colour ages me. Its not ageist and it's not a rejection of my natural heritage. My choice of hair style is a reflection of my skin colouring and what I believe is most flattering to my face structure.

Your Mother-in-law is an offensive twat and I think you should definitely call her on it.

As for your daughter's hair, there are things you can do to help with the tangles that will make it more comfortable for her when you brush her hair. Is her hair curly?

@TrishTeres it's difficult to explain, but it's better to liken it to if you changed your hair colour to one prescribed hair colour that everybody your age feels they must have in order to be accepted by society. It's actually only recently that it's become unacceptable for work places to discriminate against people having their natural Afro hair at work. It used to be frowned upon for being unprofessional and some women were actually advised to get weaves etc to remedy the 'problem'. Could you imagine if your work told you to colour your hair to hide the greys? Maybe somebody more articulate than me could explain all of this better though.