To ask for funny things you've heard from next door gardens?

[HotdogwithKetchup]

We've been out a lot with DC in the garden the past few days and have been hearing more of our neighbours that we usually would! Outer London so tiny suburban gardens.

The single guy behind us has moved his home "office" into the garden and is conducting all his work calls there in bad-tempered French. I can hear him sighing when our youngest shouts, "Need a wee" or screams in the paddling-pool but he hasn't said anything yet which I'm grateful for.

The neighbour behind on the other side is doing some sort of DIY project...So drills, sawing, hammering. I can hear single French guy sighing audibly at this too. I'm on his side if he murders the guy . But he might come for us first...

Next to us we have two older girls (around 11 and 8). They've been building a shelter using sheets in the garden, but the oldest (who is very...assertive!) is convinced the youngest one is doing it all wrong. She knows, you see, since she's been doing Guides and they do shelters all the time .

The other side is flats, one of which is empty and for sale. We never see the upstairs resident. I'm not sure he really exists. Nothing from downstairs today, but over the past few weeks I've enjoyed eavesdropping on the estate agent's sales talk in the garden.

All fairly mundane. Has anyone as nosy as me heard anything really interesting?

Yes, my neighbours must hear

“Do me a wee wee, come on, do mummy a wee wee” followed by a round of applause and “good girl, you are such a good girl”

During lock down, she thought the Thursday night NHS clapping was especially for her

@AngryBananaSund

Our neighbours are Romanian. I wish I spoke the language as they have some very animated conversations and loud phone calls.

On an unrelated note (cough) there is Google translate Conversation

My neighbour is the same, i call her the banshee as she literally screams out every conversation. She woke me and the youngest at stupid o'clock last night due to her conversation on the phone. I may have to use that google translate.

When DH and I first moved in together, we lived in a big house converted into flats. No thought had been given to sound insulation and you could hear EVERYTHING from the neighbours. And of course they must have been able to hear us. But everyone tried to be considerate and you just had to get over the embarrassment factor.
But the worst of it was our loo in our ground floor flat, it was separated from the upstairs flats' entrance hall by just a thin piece of plywood, then hadn't put in a proper internal wall.

One day I was sitting on the loo, having just had a wee, when the upstairs flats' doorbell rang.
I decided to wipe myself quickly and get out of there before anyone came to answer the door, but too late, there was the sound of a door opening upstairs and footsteps running down the stairs. So I decided to stay put till they'd answered the door. The plywood was so poorly fitted that they would have heard even the sound of loo paper being pulled off the roll.
So I sat there ... the door was opened, but the visitor didn't just come inside. It turned out that the person answering the door was the boyfriend of the girl upstairs, and the visitor was her STBXH. They started having an excruciatingly personal conversation.

I blocked my ears but they were SO LOUD. I really didn't want to hear all those details. I sat there praying that I didn't cough (or worse). Because of course if I'd got up at once, flushed the loo and left, it would have been mildly embarrassing, but once I'd sat there for five minutes, it would have been much much worse, like I was trying to listen to them.
They must have gone on for at least ten minutes. My sympathy was actually with the STBXH, who was apparently paying the rent on the flat.
Eventually there was some final shouting and slinging of insults, then the STBXH left, the boyfriend went back upstairs and once I heard his door shut upstairs I flushed the loo.

Young mum two houses down shouting please can I not just have a shit in peace!
Neighbour Father to Alexa play my music.
Son shouts No Alexa play something decent.

My old neighbours. The Father was doing some DIY and something clearly went wrong leading to some choice expletives on his part which resulted in...
Toddler: oh fck
Father: don’t say that word
Toddler: oh fck
Father: that’s a bad word
Toddler: oh fck
Father: you little sht
Toddler: sht
Father: oh for fcks sake, your Mum is going to kill me.

Honestly I was in tears. The father very much cleaned up his swearing after that incident. It all happened while the Mum was out so I can only imagine his panic at the fact he didn’t want her returning to a swearing 3 year old.

Had a car pull up, playing music very loud. You know the sort, music so loud all you can hear is the pounding beat. Car stops, door opens and the song becomes clear.

Can you feel the love tonight

This guy was seriously playing a Disney love song at 3am loud enough to wake the dead.

The next night? Moana.

From me many years ago in the garden long and increasingly loud negotiation about 1 chocolate button for a wee and two for a poo in the potty. I tried to stand firm but there is only 11 months between younger and older child. At this point older took youngest side against me and to be perfectly honest ever since whatever the situation I have been metaphically chucking the pair of them the packet and telling them to sort it out between yourselves. But just last year we had a shed load of students move in across the road. 1 had their Alexa morning alarm so loud and never did anything to stop it so I took to yelling Alexa dismiss from my bedroom window. I feel slightly sad but mostly very pleased at the smug satisfaction I got from at least someone fołlowing my instruction without complaint even if they are not human. I don't think the student ever realised what was happening, or if they did I was far too uncool for them to speak to about it.

The bloke who lives in the house attached to us very considerately uses wireless headphones to listen to music. Trouble is he sings really loudly and in a really bad falsetto

Demon child over the fence can often be heard telling his parents they are both c£nts and he fuckin hates his life. He's 7!!!!!

I live in z2 I can't afford a garden

@HotdogwithKetchup Your OP is quite poetic. It reminds me of the song My Beautiful Neighbourhood by Space.

Neighbourhood, even.

I love these!

My neighbours are really quite, you might hear from my garden:

“Wee wee?....wee wee outside?....wee wee outside puppy?”

“NOOOOOO not the chicken poo”

[quote FuckwitMcGee]@HotdogwithKetchup Your OP is quite poetic. It reminds me of the song My Beautiful Neighbourhood by Space.[/quote]
I love that song.

Just heard neighbour opposite calling her cat: "Jasper .. Jasper ... JASPER... oh come on you ginger twat!"

I've not heard anything exciting from the neighbours gardens but when our youngest was small our baby monitor would pick up conversation from another house a few doors away. We learned that the little girl could never find her shoes and her brother wouldn't clean his teeth.

There’s a dog that barks constantly several houses down. One morning I was hanging the washing up and heard the chap next door suddenly sound “Yap Yap yap yap yap yap. Shit that fucking dog up you cunts” ... I gave him a little round of applause. He shook his head over the fence and make a little thank you gesture.

The typos... I’m tired 😔

My horrible neighbours regularly squabble and argue in the garden. They also discuss personal matters loudly, like the spring evening when he was asking her if she’d tidied up ‘down there’ yet. She replied she hadn’t had time and it wasn’t that bad. He said it was. I was very close to shouting over the fence that it was up to her what she did with her own pubic hair and that since he couldn’t be bothered shaving his face (she was complaining to him the previous night it was scratchy) he had a bloody cheek nagging her about it.

He isn’t keen on the state of her feet either. I wish they’d just split up.

@MrsKeats

The neighbours are probably talking about me. I just told the puppy to stop licking a slug,

Not in keeping with the thread but slugs are super dangerous to dogs. My sil puppy died after eating one.

We are probably the ones who people listen to but I'm really over the top about not letting my children scream or yell in the garden. I think everyone should have chance to enjoy the peace and quiet. Not sure why as most of the other neighbours don't seem to care.
When we moved in 7 years ago there was a child in a garden who used to scream and yell all day. Like he'd been shut out and was bellowing. I thought maybe it was a child who had additional needs and tuned it out as much as I could. However several years down the line we've discovered they are grandchildren and they all seem to be allowed to make as much noise as humanly possible without anyone stepping in.
Neighbours across the back take every call in the garden and after one night of protracted chat where we heard 'can you believe it? I know, it's so out of order, can you believe it though?' I yelled 'no, it's unbelievable' all went quiet. They still take every call outside.

About 10 yrs ago our neighbour called the police to our house as dc (18) was having a party gathering and music was too loud. All ok apparently. (btw I was not happy about the party, found out later but that's another story)

We now have to listen to their music all summer and on occasion it's been so loud we can hear it with doors and window shut. For reference, we live in detached houses with quite a lot of space between us. And yes, we asked several times to 'keep it down'

And breathe...............

Anyway, some of these are very amusing!

I bet my paramedic neighbour laughs herself silly when DH and I are pontificating on the latest Covid developments from our position of ignorance

Ours is just as fun. We have the guy next door in his 20s who likes to beg a cup of coffee if we are in the garden. I usually obliged but the other day we found out why he always asks us. His mam in her late 50s screaming at him about hiding coffee in his baccy tin. Supposingly her nephew who only visits twice a month if lucky has ADHD and reacts to coffee so she has banned it from the home. When he told her he was going next door for a coffee after she had made him a cup of tea anyway (he needed his coffee fix) she threw said cup of tea out if door at him and it smashed on their patio as he is climbing to safety in our garden.
Then we have the idiot on the other side who comes to dump rubbish in his ex wifes garden regularly and store vehicles who had just noticed that his delapitated shed is getting smaller. Because the neighbours on other side of him are using it as fire wood one panel at a time. Somewhere behind us is a family with an allotment whose two boys aged 7-9 love for some reason to drop each other in the chicken poop and tell tales on each other. Then so many gardens up there is an old couple who regularly look after their grandkids aged 6 +5 and the old man is always shouting at the son in law for been a disappointment to the family and telling him to go get a job. But bets one is the 12 year old kid up road who looks like the child out of the omen who walks round just randomly stopping and staring at you. When he is not in his garden he doesn't speak a word but as soon as he walks into his own garden he sings at the top of his voice making rude songs up involving swear words about each and every neighbour he has past. He doesn't care if anyone here's them and nobody really sees the parents. Maybe he has already done away with them. Then from my garden you often here me shout at the rabbit not to torment the dog and the dog not to hit the rabbit. No niether Bite they just push each other and torment. Or I will shout at dog for eating rabbits carrots and veg. Occasionally if my own child ventures out of bedroom away from xbox he will be on trampoline listing to FNAF music (Five nights at Freddie's) and then he will be arguing with the dog about wanting her off the trampoline so he can do stunts.

I work with very small children and sometimes forget to switch back into normal speech mode. I have heard my neighbours chuckling at me talking to the dog, "Oh dear Charlie, that's made me very sad", "No thank you Charlie, we don't do
wee wees on the floor" etc

He's doing a POO Jan.
A POO on your lawn.
Jan. He's doing a POO now. On your grass.

I think "he" was a visiting dog.
Whoever he was, he did a poo. On the lawn.