To ask for funny things you've heard from next door gardens?

[HotdogwithKetchup]

We've been out a lot with DC in the garden the past few days and have been hearing more of our neighbours that we usually would! Outer London so tiny suburban gardens.

The single guy behind us has moved his home "office" into the garden and is conducting all his work calls there in bad-tempered French. I can hear him sighing when our youngest shouts, "Need a wee" or screams in the paddling-pool but he hasn't said anything yet which I'm grateful for.

The neighbour behind on the other side is doing some sort of DIY project...So drills, sawing, hammering. I can hear single French guy sighing audibly at this too. I'm on his side if he murders the guy . But he might come for us first...

Next to us we have two older girls (around 11 and 8). They've been building a shelter using sheets in the garden, but the oldest (who is very...assertive!) is convinced the youngest one is doing it all wrong. She knows, you see, since she's been doing Guides and they do shelters all the time .

The other side is flats, one of which is empty and for sale. We never see the upstairs resident. I'm not sure he really exists. Nothing from downstairs today, but over the past few weeks I've enjoyed eavesdropping on the estate agent's sales talk in the garden.

All fairly mundane. Has anyone as nosy as me heard anything really interesting?

😂😂😂

I can regularly hear my next door neighbour kids singing / screeching / arguing. The previous neighbours were elderly and made no noise so I’d hadn’t realised how much the sound travels! I now realise those previous neighbours must have heard all sorts from us, I sing a lot and my mum used to shout at me and my sister and when next door yell at their kids, I can hear it all. Oh well...

Baby monitors have got me in hot water, I heard 'what you doing, get to bed', from across the road's, I cringed as I'd mentioned my neighbour was precious to my ex previously whilst upstairs, monitor was picking up every word.... also did it again at a friend's, mentioned her taste in furniture to my ex, went downstairs next morning, she apologized about her furniture 🤭 could explain why I'm single..

I haven’t heard anything odd, but our terraced houses have tiny gardens, so it was funny when our ndn rode her horse into their garden and her partner gave it some cut up apple off a saucer. It looked slightly surreal, with the horse standing peacefully amongst the plant pots.

Ndn yesterday. I was outside enjoying the coolness after putting dc to bed. Suddenly hear the most drawn out noisy fart ever.
Ndn granddaughter about 18months shouts ewwwww stinky!! Grandma!!! Grandma trying to hold back laughter goes nooo it was mummy! Mummy ‘don’t try putting that on me, I thought it was the baby!’ Baby piped up not me, grandma stinks of paaaaarrrrrrrp! Grandma ‘well at least no one else heard it’ ohhh but I did! 😂

I imagine the song to row row row your boat.
Maybe it's just me.

clean, clean clean the bum, of the boy who trumps for fun, clean clean under the balls, don't forget the testicles

It makes sense to me...

House over the back of me is for sale and yesterday two prospective buyers turn up with a young estate agent to view the property.
The agent led them into the garden extolling the virtues of the property to which the woman could be heard saying,
'Wow look at that tree!'
The agent quickly took control and said
' I'm not 100% sure but I think those are giant grapes'
They were referring to the tall plum tree in my garden that is laden with dark purple fruit.
Hope he knows more about property for their sake !!!

My neighbours have recently pointed out that they often heard me 'threatening' something or someone with the slow cooker.

It's me threatening my Chickens with the slow cooker if they don't bloody well get back inside their run (they arse about something horrendous and try to run past me).

It went something like "I have a slow cooker and I'm not afraid to use it you know"

From our lovely neighbours who have two adorable little girls and a big white dog.

"Name One! Name Two! Don't colour in the dog, he doesn't like it!"

Little boy next door was playing a game that mostly involved running up and down going "There's a storm! It's going to rain!" And similar.
Heard one parent yell to the other
"Tell Michael Fish to give it a bloody rest, will you?"

Ex next door neighbour screeching on the phone to some poor customer service department.

"If you don't sort this I'm going to the omnibus"

I tittered

So many... from us!

DT1, aged 2.5, seeing our new NDN for the first time: "man in that garden! IT'S GOT EYES!"

DTs share a bedroom wall with new neighbours. Twins' bday early in the year. DT2 bellowing at her twin at 6am on their birthday: "Wake up, you bad dog! It's Christmas again!"

Dd1 earnestly telling me out in the garden that there are wolves in /name of our village/ at least in the remoter bits of the village, like Scotland. Heard neighbour sniggering.

Our neighbour (single parent) has two grown up children, boy and a girl. They all row regularly, but mum and sons rows are very loud and very colourful!
A few years ago when he was a little younger (15,16,17ish) mid row some of his belongings would be hurled into the front garden, quickly followed by him to retrieve them. The front door would slam shut behind him, and he'd spend the next half hour or so banging on the door pleading to be let in. Once when this happened he was only wearing underpants!

@HotdogwithKetchup It's fine, the kitten was being cuddled and placed in the toy oven of the playhouse kitchen. My mates kids are entirely psychopaths!

It made me giggle though!

Next door to my parents are vair posh (my dad’s lived there all his life and the village has gone upwardly mobile in the 90-odd years - we lower the tone tremendously). Their daughter visits regularly and is Very Well Spoken Indeed but loud, in the way only posh county ladies can be.

Whenever they go to leave her son wants to stay. Cue lots of “come on darling, time to go” which gets progressively more more fraught until you hear “Freddie! FREDDIE! GET IN THE BLOODY CAR!”

I'm so pleased I found this thread. It's 4.20am and can't sleep due to pain and reading these has helped me go from crying to laughing thank you all.
Think my favourite was the 20 month old copying the cat and pooing in the garden😁
I feel sorry for my neighbours as my son phones his Girlfriend and they sing together with her on his phones loudspeaker. He's only 13 and can't seem to get the pitch right but his GF says he sounds great🙂 so sweet.
I'm hoping this thread continues later today.

You haven’t had sex with me for four years was a classic and sad too as she was so upset they argue loads 😮

The other day ré sa I was looking for the bits to make lunch the neighbours would have heard me yelling “did you buy corn?” 3-4 times as DH has his headphones on and routinely pretends he can’t hear any of us at all, ever

our neighbour has just got a new hot tub and its his pride and joy - tells us that he will not be letting the kids 4 and 13 in it as its adults only! Before he gets home from work his wife gives in and let's the 2 kids in it and we hear the older one shout to her that little brother has done a poo In it Mum shouts back well if it solid just fish it out with the paddling pool net and we won't tell him as he will go bonkers. Later that evening Dad is home and relaxing in the tub when our niece who is 6 innocently goes to the fence and asks him if he is wearing his shorts he laughs and says yes to which she politely says thats good cos if you do poo it won't have to be fished out like xxx was earlier. I have never seen anyone move as fast to exit a hot tub!

‘Michael Fish’

Not heard, but seen - DH got on ladder to clip hedge last week, glanced down into our elderly neighbour's garden and saw her lying topless on her sun lounger, about three feet away from him. Luckily her eyes were closed, so he hastily got down!

You've just woken me up to what our neighbours must hear from our garden.........'good girl', 'no baby no wee wee's there it's mummys dinner', 'clever girl, 1,2,3,jump clever girl jumpee', 'no barkee baby'.......... I'm cringing just thinking how others must think on hearing my talk with the dog.

Can I excuse it by saying that the dog IS my fur baby? No, ok probably not.........

I could hear my neighbour playing computer games with his windows open last night - at least, I hope that’s what he was doing. He’s very creative with his swearing and insults

“Sweaty dog bollock”
“You witch’s tit wart”
“You....you....DAVE!!!!!”

Our neighbours on both sides are SILENT. They sit in their gardens and just stare at each other for hours, not a word spoken. It's odd.

We, on the other hand, have a gobshite teenager with no concept of an inside voice, a 9-yo who is scared of her own shadow and prone to a squeal if grass so much as tickles her ankle, two sausage dogs who have to let us know every time a leaf moves, and me, pregnant and prone to tears.

Poor buggers.

Sally392 - don't worry, you aren't the only one! My neighbours must hear me doing the high pitched 'oozah woozah good girl then? Izzoo? Izzoo good girl?' shortly afterwards followed by 'will you just bugger off and leave me alone for FIVE MINUTES?!?'

Needy Patterdale here. i seriously hope nobody mistakes it for me talking to a child!