To ask for funny things you've heard from next door gardens?

[HotdogwithKetchup]

We've been out a lot with DC in the garden the past few days and have been hearing more of our neighbours that we usually would! Outer London so tiny suburban gardens.

The single guy behind us has moved his home "office" into the garden and is conducting all his work calls there in bad-tempered French. I can hear him sighing when our youngest shouts, "Need a wee" or screams in the paddling-pool but he hasn't said anything yet which I'm grateful for.

The neighbour behind on the other side is doing some sort of DIY project...So drills, sawing, hammering. I can hear single French guy sighing audibly at this too. I'm on his side if he murders the guy . But he might come for us first...

Next to us we have two older girls (around 11 and 8). They've been building a shelter using sheets in the garden, but the oldest (who is very...assertive!) is convinced the youngest one is doing it all wrong. She knows, you see, since she's been doing Guides and they do shelters all the time .

The other side is flats, one of which is empty and for sale. We never see the upstairs resident. I'm not sure he really exists. Nothing from downstairs today, but over the past few weeks I've enjoyed eavesdropping on the estate agent's sales talk in the garden.

All fairly mundane. Has anyone as nosy as me heard anything really interesting?

One of my neighbours is the loudest burper I have ever heard. It's like he's in the same room and doing it right in my ear. It's bloody rank 🤮

A while back from the elderly next door neighbour, a terraced house so only about 4 ft. away

Probably after a couple of sherrys on a Sunday morning.

"Well that was a shot up the arse for him"

@Patchyman1

We hear our neighbour on the phone to various relatives throughout the day. I don't think she has a regular phone I think she uses a cup and string. It's soooooo loud!

You must live on the other side of my neighbour.

Cutest little boy next door going through the terrible twos at times but doesn’t bother me as have been through it years ago and he makes me giggle at times with his parents constantly telling him to put on his pants as he and to stop drinking the paddling pool water! All I hear is nooooooo to everything! Neighbours other side toung teenagers about 14 and they are frequently on their trampoline. One night had friends/cousins joining in and one said, a very young voice “I’ve heard it’s not the size of it but what you do with it! 😂

"So, messing about, I lit the aerosol and the stupid cow walked through the flames. I got expelled for that"

Me and dh;

"I didnt get your sister pregnant, i pulled out" 🤢🤣

The neighbours are probably talking about me.
I just told the puppy to stop licking a slug,

@MaggieSansoni

I once heard male neighbour next door let out a very loud aggressive fart. Wife hisses back ‘Pack it in’ to which he meekly replied ‘I can’t help it, it was that chicken’.

The "very loud agressive fart" made me laugh.

In my household, the culprit is my son, and Dad and DB when they visit. All 3 do the most evil farts ever.

My neighbour going out of the garden, woman's voice shouting at him ''F..k off'' neighbour replied ''F..k off yourself'' woman answered ''I told you to f..k off first you f.....g nonce''

Young (25 ish) single lad next door - on the phone on loudspeaker ordering a take away so I could hear both sides of the conversation.

Lady on phone asked for a name and he said "Richard with an R", she sounded confused so he repeated it.

How else do you spell Richard?!!!!!

"Timothy don't put he hosepipe down your sisters nappy"
Fifteen years ago, still makes me laugh.

Luckily I don’t think our neighbours are close enough to hear us (though if the wind is right I can hear them clearly so who knows).

Literally this weekend I overheard various comments through the kitchen window from my own DP such as:

NO keep it on. Keep the nappy ON PLEASE.
Oh you need a wee wee darling, hang on...
NO! Not on the floor, in the potty.
Oh God that’s not a wee. You said wee wee!
Oh Christ it’s everywhere. Stay still. STATUTE STILL. Yes, like Bing. Good girl. No, we’re not watching Bing. Statue still please.
HONEY.....CAN YOU BRING THE WIPES OUTSIDE?

We have since discovered that the reason DD20mo has started crapping in the garden is that she’s been copying our cat 🤦🏻‍♀️

Next door neighbour is having a jacuzzi delivered next week. We think the jacuzzi should have been put in before the doors or one wall (or roof?) of the summerhouse went in. Head scratching at the dimensional logistics of it.

Either way we will be sitting with the popcorn to see how they manage it

Where my best school friend grew up (very rough council estate) we'd frequently hear the NDN calling each other amoebas, which we found hilarious , and even a little highbrow for them !

Oh I think we ARE those neighbours. I’m always catching myself saying the most ridiculous things to my toddlers, telling them to put pants on etc. Today I caught myself shouting “no we don’t put sausages in the paddling pool!!” as the toddlers tried to empty their plates into it. Our poor neighbours.

I think my neighbours are probably horrified at me shouting ‘Stop trying time hump your brother!” To be fair, it was to the dogs, but the 2 boys next door stopped playing. 😂😳

The Dad of the house we are next to dislikes his daughter in law and had called her lazy numerous times (not to her face but to his wife) but they’re not going to cause a fuss as it might mean they don’t see their Grandson.

@Gailplatt95
Are you in Cornwall? 🤣If so thanks for giving us the best laugh of lockdown!

2 doors down live a family with teenage sons. Hardly hear from them. But sadly too far so couldn't see over the fence...
" its harder than it looks"
" I can do it"
"Aright let's see you"
Cue playing of RRARASPUTIN

neighbours behind have teenage daughters. Very musically skilled but 1am camp fire renditions of 90s classics wears thin after the 5th weekend. Ballad renditions of "Summer of 69" anyone?

The heat's been getting to our street. Neighbour on one side of us keeps using a chainsaw to chop up a felled tree for his log burner. (Sure he could wait til autumn). We have been quietly moaning to ourselves about this.
Neighbour on the other side of us is a huge retired copper, usually a lovely quiet calm sort.
On Sunday things came to a head and big chap stands on his garage roof and yells right over our garden "Turn the chainsaw off before I come round there and saw your fucking legs off".
Noise stopped.

@Bubbletrouble43 no not us we’re Yorkshire, we have the conversation a lot tho😂

Me and ds were in the front garden, changing the mower blade.
2 young ladies walked past and one of them must have blown the back out of her underwear.
They carried on walking, oblivious.
Ds and I both burst in to a fit of giggles.

"I'll be Robin Hood. OK, you can be Robin Hood too. Yes, OK you can be too, but someone has to be Little John. Thank you. Now someone has to the Sheriff of. Nottingham. Yes, I know we haven't got anyone else. The Robin Hoods will just have to take it in turns. Well Little John has to be to Little John. OK, I'll be the sheriff of Nottingham first."
The were lovely kids and I miss hearing them play.
An amazing number of ship wreaks happen in small back gardens too. Sometimes they happen to Batman.

My personal favourites were the ones who regularly came back from clubbing at 3am, only to discover none of them had a key to get in. After the inevitable ‘you said you had your key’ conversations, someone ended up ringing the house owner to see where they kept the spare key. On speakerphone. At 3am.

‘Where’s the spare key?’
‘Indistinct mumblings’
‘I can’t hear you, where’s the key, we can’t get in’
‘More mumbling’
At top volume ‘I can’t hear you, where’s the fucking key??!’
Reply so loud the whole block could hear ‘It’s under the fucking plant pot on the left where it always is’

Next week, same thing happens. Before she can call the guys across the road yelled ‘it’s under the fucking plant pot on the left!’

They were a bit quieter after that