To not want husband there when I give birth?

[potatoesandonions]

Having baby for the first time and the more I think about it the more stressed I feel about OH being there.

My reasons are first of all I’m not really all that relaxed about being naked. Don’t mind with medical staff, that’s different. But I think I’d feel self conscious.

I also want to focus on actually having the baby than having to respond to Oh. I can imagine him doing lots of things that he thinks will be nice but actually will be annoying.

More than this though when I’m in pain or ill, I just prefer to be left alone. I remember being about 13 and very ill and feeling a bit annoyed with my parents flapping although obviously they were worried!

Does anybody do this now? Or is it just expected partners/dads come in? I can imagine he’ll feel very upset if everyone else does this.

Bloody hell OP - I've just read through your posts only (loving that feature) and can see you've taken a bashing on this thread.

There was a One Born Every Minute episode with a woman who didn't want her husband in the room. He sat on a chair outside. So you're not alone.

On the flip side, some fathers-to-be feel pressure to be in the delivery room but really don't want to be.

You seem a bit anxious about bringing this up with your husband. Is he aware how you feel about being left along to deal with pain? If so, he may not be shocked at your thought process. How is he with other people in pain? Does he panic or ignore? Maybe he does whatever he can to help but at the same time make himself scarce? Perhaps this isn't a huge obstacle to be overcome? Maybe he is hoping you'll give him permission to stay away?

The only way you're going to find out is by speaking to him. Maybe raise it in a "I've been thinking, and what if my brain does that thing it did when I broke my arm? Having lots of people there might make it worse..." and lead on to "I think it might be less stressful for me if I do this on my own, knowing you're nearby if I need you".

Maybe don't rush the whole conversation at once? But build up to it?

Best of luck OP!

Another one who’s only read the OPs posts but I get the gist of how the thread has gone.

OP - your body, your choice. That’s the end of it as far as I’m concerned.

You need to discuss this with your dh, but I would guess he won't be surprised at your choice to be with medical staff. If, under the covid restrictions it is allowed, perhaps he could wait outside so he's there if you want him and able to see the baby straight away after s/he is born.

We hear the comment 'we're pregnant' rather than 'we're going to be parents' but a woman still needs to have the choice of her birth plan. There are still 44% voting YANBU. There are plenty of men who would prefer not to witness their partner giving birth.

My body was my sons' home is just 🤢

Hi OP - obviously do whatever makes you feel more comfortable, but as a midwife I can tell you we have loads of technical stuff to do nowadays, more than ever really. Between listening to baby, obs, fluid balance, fresh eyes, pool temp, and recording it all contemporaneously sometimes it’s harder to do those basic things like pass water, open windows, pass a cold flannel etc. We usually delegate those things to the birth partner. I am exactly the same as you, hate fuss, touch or being spoken to when I am in pain or ill but someone to pass me water, untangle the entonox tube etc was really useful in labour. May I recommend you ask for a student midwife as well as the midwife? They can be those extra pair of hands which is just really useful.

Best of luck! Loads of men don’t come in, don’t give it a second thought. A student midwife will also be able to get you sorted fairly quickly so you feel comfortable for him to come in as quickly as possible.

@DisgruntledSnowman

Another midwife here!

Choosing not to have a partner there is a little unusual, but it's not so out of the ordinary that people need to get het up about it. Some women prefer to go it alone, or have their mum/sister/BFF with them. The birthing woman is in control in the birth room.

Recently, with all the Covid stuff going on, we've had more women birthing without partners, as the Dad can't get there in time, or is looking after the other kids. And they've always been ok with it - it can actually be really nice to just have women in the birth room. Midwives are brilliant at supporting birthing women - it's what we do best! Recent births I've attended where partner hasn;t been present, I've managed to snaffle a student or MCA to come in as additional support for the woman (even a bemused junior Dr once, who ended up quite emotional as it was her first "normal" birth!)

The naked thing really isnt a problem. I've looked after lots of women who aren't the naked types. They wear nighties, or a hospital gown, or I cover them with a sheet. Midwives are experts at maintaining your dignity. I hate women thinking they have to leave their dignity at the door. They don't. A decent midwife will work out what is important to the woman and do their absolute best to facilitate it.

Your post stood out as an oasis of calm, knowledgable support in a sea of crazy shit written by people who - presumably - have gone so far down their own rabbit hole that they stopped thinking of the OP as an actual person.

How long until you have this baby? Because at the moment, you are alone until you reach "active labour". Couldn't you compromise (assumming you don't live an hour away or something) that he can come to the hospital when you are about 7/8cm so that you can do the majority alone and in peace, but he still gets to see his child born.

I thought they were making men wait in the car until active labour now. What do couples without a car do? Do men just stand in the car park?

Or sit on a wall or go home. Yeah.

@DisgruntledSnowman - both of my births were attended by student midwives, and I genuinely think that’s one of the absolutely wonderful things about birthing in a large teaching hospital. With students around there is a lot of explanation and information which I love, and I had the best back rub ever from a student who was so keen to try out the techniques she had been taught. It was also her first ‘normal’ delivery, completely unassisted, in the pool, and her love and joy was very valuable to me.

@AnneBullen

Hi OP - obviously do whatever makes you feel more comfortable, but as a midwife I can tell you we have loads of technical stuff to do nowadays, more than ever really. Between listening to baby, obs, fluid balance, fresh eyes, pool temp, and recording it all contemporaneously sometimes it’s harder to do those basic things like pass water, open windows, pass a cold flannel etc. We usually delegate those things to the birth partner. I am exactly the same as you, hate fuss, touch or being spoken to when I am in pain or ill but someone to pass me water, untangle the entonox tube etc was really useful in labour. May I recommend you ask for a student midwife as well as the midwife? They can be those extra pair of hands which is just really useful.

Best of luck! Loads of men don’t come in, don’t give it a second thought. A student midwife will also be able to get you sorted fairly quickly so you feel comfortable for him to come in as quickly as possible.

I had a student midwife assist in one of my births (home birth) unlike the community midwife I didn't meet her until the day. She was shadowing the CM and really hoped to have a chance to be part of a home birth as they weren't that common 17 years ago.

She turned out to be really great in all the ways you said, DH was never a lot of use and faffed around in the kitchen a lot making tea. I'm glad I said yes to her attending - I was given a choice.

@Trashtara

I thought they were making men wait in the car until active labour now. What do couples without a car do? Do men just stand in the car park?

Or sit on a wall or go home. Yeah.

Must be a drag if you don't live near the hospital. Will be rather grim if it's still like that in the winter months.

@1Morewineplease

Such a very sad thread. It looks like we women have come full circle. We actively campaigned for men to be there , now men appear to have no rights to be there.

It takes two to make a life.

We campaigned for fathers to be there if the mother wanted it. Men have never had the right to be there. It is, as it should be, at the mother’s invitation.

I think it shows how careful we have to be when allowing men into traditional women only spaces. What becomes an option can soon become the man being entitled.

I'm the same as you OP, I hate people being around when I'm ill, I much prefer to be on my own. Also, when I was married I would never so much as fart in front of my DH let alone take a crap. I don't think that's odd and I firmly believe some things should be private.

That said, my DH was there when I gave birth to our son, well actually he was watching planet of the apes on the tv lol. But your request is not unreasonable so just have a chat with your DH, really make him see how stressed this is making you feel and just go from there. Giving birth is such an unknown till we are actually in that situation, we have no idea how we are going to be.

Please don't let this thread stress you out even further. As long as you and your DH are on the same page, you don't need validation from strangers.

Good luck with it all :)

It takes two to make a life

And when a man spits the baby out through an orifice he will get to choose who is there. Until then, its the woman's call based on her needs.

I agree we seem to have come full circle. We have gone from women being told they can't have their partners with them to women being told they must have partners with them. Not really seeing that as progress frankly.

@SnuggyBuggy

I think it shows how careful we have to be when allowing men into traditional women only spaces. What becomes an option can soon become the man being entitled.

Pretty much immediately. As PPs said, it was supposed to be about what the mother found supportive, so her partner could be there at her invitation, if it really was what she wanted and would find helpful. Nothing more. But look where it's led.

Childbirth is about what men want. Men's wants trump women's needs. If I said my husband was trying to control what hairband I wore there would be outrage, but when it comes to who I want in the room when I give birth, it's what men choose.

Sinister. Misogynistic. Dangerous. Childbirth is about men, apparently.

I personally think that if you are in a loving relationship with no 'issues' of any kind then it should be a discussion. If I had said to my partner no I don't want you there he would've been heartbroken not to witness the birth of his DC. There is no danger in having discussions with you partner about their feelings

Bloody hell OP - I've just read through your posts only (loving that feature) and can see you've taken a bashing on this thread

Couldn't agree more and frankly how the OP and her partner choose to have sex is nobodies business but theirs, whether they do it swinging from chandeliers and sell tickets or stay mostly clothed in a darkened cellar. The only people who get to have an opionion on their sex life is the couple, just like the only person who gets the final say in birth companion is the person giving birth.

There are always weird attitudes to consent and rights when it comes to childbirth and/or medical stuff on these threads. If someone posts about not wanting a male gynae there’s always posters telling her how selfish/sexist/ungrateful she is and people centering the feelings of male drs and their ‘right’ to work in certain specialities, someone posted about a midwife gaining consent for a vaginal exam and then telling her afterwards that she’d also done a sweep ‘whilst she was down there’ and again lots of replies telling OP to get over it and that the midwife was just trying to help her, poster complains students watched without her consent and are told ‘how else are students supposed to learn?’ It’s madness in this day and age that people think this way.

Definitely full circle.

Women not allowed the choice to have the father at birth to now women not allowed the choice to NOT have the father at birth.

Plus ca change. Women's choices are still taken away and rights to their bodies up for debate.

I'd have been quite happy on my own, and my DH would have been quite happy to leave me to it.

All this nonsense about his rights. Fuck that. It gets very messy and I get why the OP doesn't want her DH to see blood, piss, shit and agony.

In any event I know few men that would actively want to be in a delivery room. He may be blessedly relieved OP.

It's your choice OP your OH could be relieved, on the other hand he may feel hurt that you consider him so inadequate. What about after the birth will you share your experience with him or keep it private

OP got a bashing because she asked for opinions and asked whether she was being unreasonable, but then quickly made it clear she doesn't actually care about opinions that aren't the same as hers and doesn't actually care if she is being unreasonable.

If you dont want him there it's up to you. But bare in mind that you could be on your own for a while. I had a 17 hour labour after induction and until the point where I needed to push the midwife was in and out. So my DH was able to pass me a drink and after I was sick for the 5th time help me to brush teeth. He is super squeamish so just stayed at the head end of things. He was also able to cut the cord and dress our son. He would have been sad not to be there and he was really helpful and supportive.

Further to my earlier post, I’m finding it odd how many people think the father has the right to “watch his baby being born”. It makes giving birth sound like a nature documentary that he’s bought a ticket to see.

I ended up with an EMCS and I didn’t see my baby being born. Neither did my birth partner. Many women who give birth vaginally don’t see much, if anything, of their baby being born. Why does the father need to?

Surely, most fathers are at the head end, supporting the mother? Then, hoping to share in the very special moment when they both get to meet their new baby. Which might not go as planned anyway, as the mother or baby might need urgent medical attention.