To not want husband there when I give birth?

[potatoesandonions]

Having baby for the first time and the more I think about it the more stressed I feel about OH being there.

My reasons are first of all I’m not really all that relaxed about being naked. Don’t mind with medical staff, that’s different. But I think I’d feel self conscious.

I also want to focus on actually having the baby than having to respond to Oh. I can imagine him doing lots of things that he thinks will be nice but actually will be annoying.

More than this though when I’m in pain or ill, I just prefer to be left alone. I remember being about 13 and very ill and feeling a bit annoyed with my parents flapping although obviously they were worried!

Does anybody do this now? Or is it just expected partners/dads come in? I can imagine he’ll feel very upset if everyone else does this.

I ended up with an EMCS and I didn’t see my baby being born. Neither did my birth partner. Many women who give birth vaginally don’t see much, if anything, of their baby being born. Why does the father need to?

Because childbirth is one of the few things that only women do and is truly exclusively feminine, and we can't have that so we need to make up "rights" for men to make sure it's still all about them.

Hi OP.
I understand the dignity issue and believe that it’s your body and your choice.
Please consider the practical elements though. My labour lasted 60 hours. For the majority of that I was at home a DH helped by feeding me and offering an arm when I couldn’t stand. He also drove me to the hospital and carried my bags as I wasn’t physically able.
I’m not saying that you need to have your DH there at the birth or through the labour but there is a substantial build up for most first time births and you will need to get to the hospital and to eat in that time. I appreciate that calling an Uber seems very easy but after 40 hours of labour i was at home and couldn’t physically get myself into the car without DH helping. I definitely couldn’t carry my hospital bags.
The state you need to be in for the hospital to admit you is very close to actually giving birth. Early labour can be extremely drawn out so please consider the practical aspects of eating and getting to the hospital with bags when I’m afraid to say you’re unlikely to be able to walk unaided.
I hope it goes well and you have the birth you want.

Speaking of men’s wishes:

And if having me present put my DW through a lot more pain than she needed to, I know she would've endured that extra pain to allow me that experience.

[....]

And so I would ask, on his behalf, and from a completely selfish perspective for you to compromise or endure that bit more. Your sacrifice would gift him an experience he would never forgot.

PPs have mentioned that a longer, more painful labour could increase the risk of complications for the mother. But it could also increase the risks to the baby and the baby can’t consent to this “sacrifice”.

@2155User

OP got a bashing because she asked for opinions and asked whether she was being unreasonable, but then quickly made it clear she doesn't actually care about opinions that aren't the same as hers and doesn't actually care if she is being unreasonable.

Exactly. We obviously can’t tell her what her labour is going to be like. But my labour was not how some are describing blood and piss all over. I imagine that horror is not helping although it could happen.

What is the worst is when you get home and need to wee and you daren’t let it go! Nobody told me how bad that was honestly it was worse than the labour for me.

What would have been more useful for that OP would have been people sharing a variety different experiences in a non-judgy way. Maybe some stories from mums who did give birth alone either by choice or necessity or who only had partners there for part of it.

Mine was there for all 4 births, he was annoying, rude and unhelpful each time. I felt extremely pressured, by family and health professionals, to have him there. I wish I had insisted he was not.
The memories still hurt and some are 25 years old!!
Do what’s right for you and your baby.

@Cattenberg

So now it's an 'experience' for him. Mother of god!

Everyone has different births and personal circumstances and personalities, there is no way to "do it right".

For me, I wanted the person I loved to be there with me and to meet our baby together. Some people don't have a partner or they can't be there or whatever, i can't imagine anyone batting an eye about what anyone else chooses to do.

My self and my siblings were all born at home and I have no idea whether my dad was there or at work, it's made no difference o my life.

It also bothers me that people are pushing op to do something that carries an increased risk of complications.

So that a man can have an 'experience'

I mentioned it ages ago upthread but it wasn't picked up then.

How much additional risk to mother/ baby is acceptable so that the man gets this? A man upthread said her being in more pain than she needed to be was acceptable to him...

@NiceGerbil @Cattenberg

I can't be arsed to search this long thread for that PP you quoted, but their comment gives me the creeps.

Shitting, vomiting & sweating... tbh me & DP have both seen each other in that state when we have been mortally hungover (pre my current pregnant state) so i doubt il care about that when i give birth

Ive spent ages reading this thread and running bits past DP. He wants to be there, and i would like him too, but we also both wholly agree the birthing womans needs come above all else. Including these non existent 'rights' people keep spouting.

The poster who said the woman should 'sacrifice' and 'endure' more pain for the sake of their partner needs to get fucked. A woman is not selfish to want to birth alone. Fuck knows, when the time comes i might even send DP out the room if he pisses me off or goes for endless fags and the smell makes me sick. Often i want to be alone when i am suffering. And if it makes me selfish, so be it. Its my right. Until it happens i have no idea how i will be as ive never given birth before so im trying to mentally prepare myself for every eventuality with an 'expect the best, prepare for the worst' attitude.

I definitely want DP there as much as possible to do all the mundane things like pass me water, open / close windows etc. I said "you do realise im going to bite your head off" and he said "Thats what im there for". Im pretty sure il want him there throughout the duration and i reckon he will be good in some ways, not in others. He's human he cant be perfect. I hope it will be special if he can share it with me, but if i end up wheeled into surgery or whatever, then it is still just as special when we eventually meet baby.

Finally, some very good posts from midwives and i have found them helpful and reassuring. Definitely a good idea to have student midwives there if going it alone as theyre a good compromise with the sound level of medical knowledge & interest, but also wont have a million responsibilities like the CM so will probably be happier to pass water and stuff rather than just passively watching.

I wish you the very best of luck and hope it all goes smoothly! Listen to your gut, you do you.

@NiceGerbil

It also bothers me that people are pushing op to do something that carries an increased risk of complications.

So that a man can have an 'experience'

I mentioned it ages ago upthread but it wasn't picked up then.

How much additional risk to mother/ baby is acceptable so that the man gets this? A man upthread said her being in more pain than she needed to be was acceptable to him...

Beggars belief, doesn't it? And he tried to convince us that he respected what women have to go through in labour.

Err you don't have to be naked you know. You can keep your top/nightie on. I've done it twice.

@ShebaShimmyShake @NiceGerbil

I wholly agree. This man would put a woman's adrenaline levels through the roof, potentially lengthening and endangering her labour for his experience

He is the fucking selfish one!!!!

There a loads of reasons why a woman might not want DP, or even any man so far as possible, in the room.

The poster who said the woman should 'sacrifice' and 'endure' more pain for the sake of their partner needs to get fucked

100%

And I guarantee you there isn’t a man on this earth who would put up with the tiniest amount of pain more than he had to for a woman.

If my husband said anything of like that me, I’d leave him.

I feel sorry for your oh. It's a special day for him too and tbh all dignity goes out of the window when you're had half of the maternity wards arm up for foof.

@Wankpuffin

If my husband said anything of like that me, I’d leave him.

Same, it's abuse isnt it.

@ballsdeep

I feel sorry for your oh. It's a special day for him too and tbh all dignity goes out of the window when you're had half of the maternity wards arm up for foof.

Looks like another man’s turned up. 0/10 and must try harder for the user name.

@Wavescrashingonthebeach it is.

When I was pregnant with my first, my Male Gp asked my then husband what he thought of my decision to have an elective section. He kept saying it was eh x decision as well and that If he wasn’t happy he should speak up. I did make a full complaint about that - it was totally unacceptable. It’s my body (and thankfully ex h was just as shocked as me and pointed that out to the doctor, but just imagine if I’d been married to some tosser who had used that to try and blackmail me into a mode of birth I didn’t want).

I feel sorry for your oh. It's a special day for him too and tbh all dignity goes out of the window when you're had half of the maternity wards arm up for foof.

All dignity doesn’t go out the window. Just because a woman may need some intimate but medically necessary examinations (which are only done with her full consent and done as privately and respectfully possible) does not mean there’s then no point in her having privacy or dignity at all. And plenty of women manage to get through labour without ‘half the maternity ward’ examining them- I had one trusted midwife do a single vaginal examination during my 2nd labour and that was my choice.

And those kinds of comments are so tedious, along with the comments about ‘you won’t care if there’s a marching band/the pope/the queen/a stadium of football supporters in the room when it comes to it’ that always pop up every single time- unoriginal and boring as well as completely untrue anyway

Dignity definitely goes out of the window if you can't freely choose, without pressure or judgement, who you do or don't want to be in the room.

@sugarfreemint

And those kinds of comments are so tedious, along with the comments about ‘you won’t care if there’s a marching band/the pope/the queen/a stadium of football supporters in the room when it comes to it’ that always pop up every single time- unoriginal and boring as well as completely untrue anyway

To be fair, it’s true for some people. I genuinely wouldn’t have noticed. But that isn’t the point, there should be nobody there the mother hasn’t invited.

@sugarfreemint

And those kinds of comments are so tedious, along with the comments about ‘you won’t care if there’s a marching band/the pope/the queen/a stadium of football supporters in the room when it comes to it’ that always pop up every single time- unoriginal and boring as well as completely untrue anyway

I hate it.

And it’s part of the reason that women don’t complain enough about the rubbish care they receive. It’s almost been normalised to have crap midwives, no dignity, no privacy, to feel like you have no autonomy over your body, to be treated like a slab of meat.

It should never be the case.

You might, might, come to a point in the moment where you don't care, but if it wasn't what you wanted that person to see, then it will probably mess with you afterwards. Birth trauma is very real and we shouldn't be pressuring women into things they don't want that might cause or aggravate it. And especially not so that some man can make childbirth "his experience".

Quite apart from that, I'm not in favour of denying women what they want when they're in sound mind because I'm counting on them feeling differently when they're completely out of it.