Page 38 | To not want husband there when I give birth?

potatoesandonions · 2020-08-10T12:00:10+00:00

Having baby for the first time and the more I think about it the more stressed I feel about OH being there. My reasons are first of all I’m not really all that relaxed about being naked. Don’t mind with medical staff, that’s different. But I think I’d feel self conscious. I also want to focus on actually having the baby than having to respond to Oh. I can imagine him doing lots of things that he thinks will be nice but actually will be annoying. More than this though when I’m in pain or ill, I just prefer to be left alone. I remember being about 13 and very ill and feeling a bit annoyed with my parents flapping although obviously they were worried! Does anybody do this now? Or is it just expected partners/dads come in? I can imagine he’ll feel very upset if everyone else does this.

Wankpuffin · 11/08/2020 19:03

When my sister was in labour she was whisked away to be stitched up. The baby couldn't go with her. What would you do in that situation? The baby needs a nappy on/ dressing etc. If you're exhausted after a three day labour who will do that?

Health care assistants

After my first section my twatty exh was ‘so tired’ that he fucked off home after 45 mins. I then had huge complications and was whisked off again, no one could get hold of him by phone. Ds was taken care of on the ward by HCAs.

They won’t just leave a baby to fend for itself in that situation. There are many women who give birth totally alone, for so many reasons (childcare, no family).

mumof2exhausted · 11/08/2020 19:04

Not sure why you’re going to be naked unless you’re having water birth. He can stay up “your end” so he doesn’t actually see anything.

Think you have some other issues though if you only have sex with your husband in a dark room after a shower.

ShebaShimmyShake · 11/08/2020 19:20

Do people really think that if partners aren't there and the mother needs to be taken away for treatment, the babies will just be left unattended?

AlrightTreacle · 11/08/2020 19:39

@mumof2exhausted

"Think you have some other issues though if you only have sex with your husband in a dark room after a shower."

The OP hasn't said that in any of her posts

00100001 · 11/08/2020 19:43

@ShebaShimmyShake

Of course not. But some parents may not be happy to have someone else attend baby if possible.

Vivi0 · 11/08/2020 19:49

@ShebaShimmyShake

Do people really think that if partners aren't there and the mother needs to be taken away for treatment, the babies will just be left unattended?

No, I don’t believe anyone has said that. Many posters have said they would rather the baby’s father attend to the baby than the medical staff. There is nothing wrong with that.

Just as no one has said that childbirth is about men. Many posters have said that, when in a stable and loving relationship, they would take their DH’s feelings into consideration. There is nothing wrong with that either.

This thread has gone way over the top.

doityourselfnow · 11/08/2020 19:53

*No, I don’t believe anyone has said that. Many posters have said they would rather the baby’s father attend to the baby than the medical staff. There is nothing wrong with that.

Just as no one has said that childbirth is about men. Many posters have said that, when in a stable and loving relationship, they would take their DH’s feelings into consideration. There is nothing wrong with that either.

This thread has gone way over the top.*

This 100% but of course that won't be right for a lot of the misandry on MN!

I also really don't understand the naked issue,

You don't have to be naked
It's your husband seeing you naked.

GoldenOmber · 11/08/2020 19:59

Maybe we need someone else to explain to the OP that she doesn't have to be naked, just in case the 317 previous posts saying the same thing haven't sunk in?

Of course people should listen to what their partner's feelings on the subject are, but ultimately if he wants to be there and she wants him to not be there then that's that. He would still (hopefully?) get to meet the baby right after birth, it would still be amazing and magical and a bonding experience, it'll be fine.

AltheaThoon · 11/08/2020 20:05

I'm afraid I only read the first couple of pages...this is a long thread! I seem to go against general opinion though, I don't think it's odd at all to not want your DH there. I don't like the fact that there is now a presumption that his ands will always be in attendance at births. I don't believe it to be helpful.

Labour is about the mother and the mother should be able to make the choice about who she has supporting her without having to worry about upsetting or offending someone. Feeling comfortable and uninhibited massively helps a labour progress well.

TheSoapyFrog · 11/08/2020 20:08

You know you don't have to be naked and you might not poo yourself. Speak to your husband first. I'd feel bad for him if he wanted to be present, but ultimately the choice is yours.
Maybe have him wait outside in case you change your mind. I had a very lengthy labour (27 hours) and my mum was there with me (I'm a single parent) and I'm really glad she was. It would have been a lonely and scary time otherwise. Ultimately I ended up with an emergency c-section.
I can't recall if this is your first child or not, but it really isn't how you imagine it and sometimes things don't work out as planned. There's no need to make a final decision now.
Whatever you decide to do, I wish you all the best with your new baby.

doityourselfnow · 11/08/2020 20:14

I do find this odd, as I've already expressed.

One of DHs "jobs" was god forbid baby was whisked away, he was to be with them all the way.

I wouldn't be able to do it, I would want the child's father to do it as my substitute.

He was a little concerned in case I was also in need of care, but I convinced him I could cope and our baby would need him.

2155User · 11/08/2020 20:14

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion

72 hour labour person here!

It was hell.

All of Saturday, all of Sunday, all of Monday

ShebaShimmyShake · 11/08/2020 20:17

I don’t believe anyone has said that.

It's pretty much what this amounts to:

"The baby couldn't go with her. What would you do in that situation? The baby needs a nappy on/ dressing etc. If you're exhausted after a three day labour who will do that?"

Babies are not left unattended if the father isn't there. This comment implies that if the partner isn't present, there's some sort of baby care disaster afoot.

Just as no one has said that childbirth is about men.

Where have you been? There have been absolutely countless "his experience" and "his baby" comments. One man came on literally to say that he'd want his wife to endure more pain if it meant he could have his "experience". OP has been told that she's selfish, unreasonable, doesn't know her own mind, isn't educated and that it'll be her fault if her husband stops loving her or refuses to parent his child over this. Some delightful person is now accusing those of us who support a woman's right to choose who witnesses her in labour of hating men.

If you truly think nobody has expressed this sentiment, there's honestly no point in engaging with you. The thread is dripping with it.

doityourselfnow · 11/08/2020 20:25

Where have you been? There have been absolutely countless "his experience" and "his baby" comments. One man came on literally to say that he'd want his wife to endure more pain if it meant he could have his "experience". OP has been told that she's selfish, unreasonable, doesn't know her own mind, isn't educated and that it'll be her fault if her husband stops loving her or refuses to parent his child over this. Some delightful person is now accusing those of us who support a woman's right to choose who witnesses her in labour of hating men.

But it is his baby? One mane cane on, he doesn't speak for all men!

People are entitled to opinions and mine is that a lot on mumsnet are men haters.... you can't seriously think that's not the case?

AltheaThoon · 11/08/2020 20:25

So many women on this thread feeling sorry for the op's husband 🙄 It reminds me of the "it's selfish to breastfeed because the man misses out on feeding and bonding with baby" argument.

I would hope that a mw would understand so it might be worth having a word with yours op (if you're still reading, I wouldn't blame you if you weren't!) and she can help you to discuss it with your dh. And you are not being unreasonable. At all.

bornninthe80s · 11/08/2020 20:25

@ShebaShimmyShake and @Wavescrashingonthebeach well said 👏🏻 it is all about the mother. Snap with pregnancy - my OH joked that he lived it too (I was a snappy cow) and I want to bop him on the head. He may have planted the seed but there's no way men experience childbirth like women do.

My OH missed the birth... he was at a wedding in Scotland when my waters broke 5 weeks early so I just had my mum there - who once was a midwife but I still wouldn't let her down the business end!

Oswin · 11/08/2020 20:27

Oh this thread is absolutely full of posters talking about mens birth experience. Rank misogynistic bullshit.

Oswin · 11/08/2020 20:29

doityourselfnow man haters for thinking women do not owe anyone an audience when they are giving birth

AltheaThoon · 11/08/2020 20:30

Being pro woman does not equate with being a man hater. As others have stated, being at the birth is not a human right for a father. A good father would want the mother to do what is best for her so that she feels as comfortable as she can during labour. A good father would ask what else they can do to help. Labour is not about fathers.

AltheaThoon · 11/08/2020 20:32

25bornninthe80s however did your OH bond with the baby if he missed the birth? 😱😂

Vivi0 · 11/08/2020 20:38

@ShebaShimmyShake

I don’t agree that that comment implies “that if the partner isn't present, there's some sort of baby care disaster afoot.”

It takes mere minutes to put a nappy on and dress a baby. It takes much longer to be stitched.

When I was being stitched, my DH was having skin to skin with DS, and held him for the duration. Yes, a healthcare worker will put a nappy on the baby and wrap him up, but they will not be holding baby the entire time mum being stitched. Baby will be placed somewhere suitable.

The comment is asking the OP who will look after baby - of course if her DH isn’t there, a healthcare worker will step in. What would the OP prefer?

bananacone · 11/08/2020 20:40

@doityourselfnow but that’s your own preference, it doesn’t stop you respecting another woman’s choice even if it isn’t something you’d do yourself

doityourselfnow · 11/08/2020 20:41

@Oswin hardly "anyone", it's the father..... just saying!

It's not the NDN, the dog walker, the shop Assistant.

I think OP has serious issues surrounding nakedness with her husband and father, it seems a drive in her not wanting the father present at the birth.

Surely in a mutually loving successful and equal relationship, your DH is the person you rely on the absolute most, to help, support and love you.

But if you won't even get naked in front of him, then that's going to cause issues, ones that need to be addressed.

OP didn't like the answers and flounced quite early on.

KitMarlowesCodpieceOfthigh · 11/08/2020 20:42

Ultimately, YANBU - the baby's coming out of you and you have the final say.

However, the indignity doesn't stop at birth, you know. I spent most of the first week of my daughter's life topless, in massive maternity pants, trying to establish breastfeeding and also wishing that my perineum would stop feeling like someone had driven a monster truck through it. Also, I cried a lot. And I'd had a forceps delivery, so I couldn't tell whether I needed the loo or not - DH had to remind me to go every few hours. If that's something that you'd find similarly uncomfortable, it might be an idea to hire a night nanny or maternity nurse to look after you or the baby for the first week?

None of this childbearing stuff is nice, or elegant, or particularly pretty. But it is amazing and empowering - I'm so much more confident since having DD than I was before because I know that I can survive so much pain. I'm so much tougher than I thought I was.

doityourselfnow · 11/08/2020 20:42

@bananacone I gave my opinion, isn't that what AIBU is for?

So you only want people to say YANBU?

Of course it's OPs choice, she's made it clear she's not interested in others opinions by flouncing early on.